Hi!
Thank you so much for your lovely post and explanations! So, so very grateful. I read it like 10 times already.
The birth date is according to my mom who told me 5: 25 - 5:30. I know 5 minutes may matter a lot, but I dont know how to determine it starting from various major events.
No relationship in 14 years - nothing at all, no dates, no nothing. I live in a very big city, so there are plenty of men here, not in some remoted small village.
I am sorry for sounding so depressive in my post, I usually hide it better.
I don't think my solar return looks anything promissing either.
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No men in my life (starting with my grandfather and biological father) had treated me with kindness, let alone love. All men in my life abused me one way or another.
This may be karma...
And the last 14 years made me wish and pray for my life to be over faster.
Thank you once again, I have nothing to repay your kind gesture to answer my post.
Hi! I'm happy if my reply made you feel better, and you don't have to repay me for anything, nor do you have to apologize for sounding depressive. You're human and you have something important to you that isn't going to your liking and it's hurting you. It's normal to be upset, it's normal to cry, it's normal to feel hopeless, and it's normal to feel like the whole universe is against you and keeping you from being happy. It's normal to think everyone else has what you want and that you're the only one who doesn't have it. We ALL feel that about something at some point in our life and we can all relate to that terrible feeling. We all have our cross to bear, so please don't feel like you have to apologize for being human and having feelings.
With that said, stop wishing for your life to be over faster. You have so much to live for. So much. Even if you never have kids or meet a great guy, do you really think you don't have anything else in life to be proud of or to look forward to? I'm sure you will meet a wonderful man someday, and I hope it's soon, and I'm sure you will have kids in the future, as well. You're smart and I'm sure you're attractive. You will find someone when it is your time to find someone. But even if you didn't, you have a meaning and purpose beyond just being a wife/girlfriend and mother. Those things are WONDERFUL, but I know there is so much more to you and your life than just that. Please understand that. You just have to stop thinking of yourself as having to be one thing (ex: a wife and mother) and understand that even if you did get married and have kids, you are still more than just a wife and mother. Understand your own value.
You're only 31. You're a young woman. This isn't 1965, 30/31 isn't what it used to be. Very many young women are single and don't have kids in their 30s now! That's normal and common! I've seen your other posts out of curiosity and I know you're a professor, so you're an educated and intelligent young woman. You write (and have great placements for writing!) and you have been recognized for it, even if it's on a "small" scale (any award is an amazing award, by the way -- you EARNED it!). You're an educated and independent career woman and talented writer. Isn't that amazing? I respect you for that.
You've been through so much in your short 31 years. Even with your difficult childhood and being mistreated by your father and grandfather (which I am so sorry to hear), you've battled an illness (and I hope your health is wonderful now), you've lost multiple family members so close together (that is heartbreaking and I'm so sorry for your pain), and yet you still managed to find your inner strength and make something of yourself. You should be very proud.
Why would you ever reduce yourself to tears just because you don't have kids at only 31? Look at what you have accomplished! Most don't have what you have. You need to give yourself more credit for the things you have done and you will feel so much better. Just please stop doubting yourself and stop doubting your talent. And don't ever destroy your texts again. Even if writing doesn't work out for you professionally or on the side, you are still talented and should keep writing because it makes you happy and allows you to express your creativity! But I do hope it works out for you professionally!
And if I can give you some advice, girl-to-girl/woman-to-woman, don't settle for just any man, please. It's easy for women in your situation (and there are so many) to accept the first man who gives them attention after years of being single. So much that they ignore all the red flags and bad signs. Then they end up in a bad relationship just so they won't be alone anymore. Don't do that. Even if it takes you years to find a good man, don't settle. It's better to wait for the right one and keep your peace of mind then it is to waste years, energy, happiness, and your mental health for a man who will not appreciate you the way you appreciate him.
Again, maybe try a dating website like EHarmony where people are looking for a serious connection. It's hard to meet people these days, so you aren't alone at all. Just keep positive and never let a man disrespect you or take away your happiness. You are strong, you are ambitious, you are hard-working, you are talented, and I'm sure you have a good heart. A jerk doesn't deserve someone like you. A good man does. So wait for him no matter how long it takes. It will happen when it is meant to.
Sorry for the long post. I just wanted you to see things from my perspective. Sometimes it's hard to see your own good qualities when you're depressed. Please reach out if you need someone to talk to!