A lot of what I have feelings about I thought may have been to do with the cancerians attachment to the childhood. With me not having a clear and solid childhood to refer to, it makes this an unsteady outlook. One that isn’t good for my self concept. My mum doesn’t remember a lot. But it hurts me when she hurts in moments she does express herself. I am very sensitive and in these moments I can’t bear the hurt that I know she feels in guilt. I feel very attached to her, almost as if she is me haha but in a painful and clouded way. I’ve wanted to break off from our relationship because of these things. Very unhealthy and overwhelming to cope with daily. There’s many embedded emotions. My inability to express these or even know what it is I’m feeling most of the time, is very, very difficult. This is often the case across the board of life. Can you tell me more about what you mean when talking about the grand cross being a possible instigator?
"With me not having a clear and solid childhood to refer to, it makes this an unsteady outlook. One that isn’t good for my self concept. My mum doesn’t remember a lot"
I think this^^^ stuff is from your Neptune in the 4th, which is part of the Grand Cross.
The Neptune in the 4th makes memories of your childhood foggy. They may seem dream like or surreal. And that may be because they were. Mom may have been in an altered state much of the time.
Neptune is retrograde and ruler of the 6th. I think your mother may have been overwhelmed, just trying to take care of day to day tasks, like where to live and what to eat, how to pay the bills. Larger and more important tasks, like raising a child and helping them with their self esteem and their education etc, may have been lost in the mix. [Neptune sq Saturn, opposed Merc in Leo]
"But it hurts me when she hurts in moments she does express herself. I am very sensitive and in these moments I can’t bear the hurt that I know she feels in guilt."
The Mercury/Neptune opposition and Mercury/Uranus opposition seem to be in play here.
The Neptune in the 4th is your confusing memories of childhood, and the opposition to Mercury in Leo is your attempt to understand it, express it and ask your Mother questions you may have, concerns you may have or just the need for more communication about it.
Also, the Moon/Chiron squaring that Mercury could be part of this painful memories situation, as it rules the 10th, part of the IC/MC axis. Moon/Chiron is an emotional wound in the 2nd, in Scorpio. Hopefully there was no sexual or emotional abuse lurking below that conjunction.
What is really interesting about your chart is the exact midpoint thing going on.
Neptune, at first glance, looks like it is not hooked into the Grand Cross. But in fact, Mercury pulls it tightly into that cross.
Look at Uranus/Neptune conjunction. The midpoint of those 2 planets is 5 degrees Aquarius. So Mercury is exactly opposite the conjunction. That is very powerful and it makes that conjunction very intense, and not 'wide' like it seems at first glance.
The same with the Moon/Chiron opposition to Saturn. The midpoint is 5 degrees, which makes Mercury the exact T-square trigger.
OKAY, the point of all that is to say that this is a very 'exact' Grand Cross, even though at first glance it looks to be wide.
Unpacking a Grand Cross takes awhile so this might take awhile...
Part 2 coming soon...