midnight sun
Well-known member
I have Saturn opposition Venus in my birth chart and I am analyzing it since I start to learn astrology a little bit. Astrology helped me to understand my repeating patterns and the deep wounds lying under them. I always opened threads with depressed feelings but now I would like to tell the progress I have done.
But it is not easy and it is a journey I understood. I mean no miracle happens suddenly and your whole love life and relationships change…I hardly accept this reality, the reality that I have to grow myself in time with hard work.
A brief history of my problem; I have friendship problems whole my life. I always look for a group to be a part of but always feel rejected, unloved and out of it. After a time I find myself in a conflict between being myself and saying the truth and following the group. And I always look for a friend to be close to like a sister or brother. But I couldn't find one. People change in my life constantly, I have not much old friends in my life. I just have two love affairs in 2006 and 2007. But both of them finished with disappointment. My pattern is about rejection. It triggers when I fall in love with a man unavailable, cold or loves someone else. I was suicidal for a long time and the diagnosis was atypical depression which means being too sensitive to rejection and abandoment. When I believed I will never be loved and be alone whole my life, I usually decided to kill myself(in the past), and have two attempts unsuccesful when I couldn’t handle with the pain I felt.( guess Saturn-Jupiter square is related to this all-or-nothing thinking)
I am 32 years old now and I am actively working on this since 2008. Sometimes I shut myself without hope, sometimes I get hopeful and work on it more. It is just too painful to live the same pattern but I am a real survivor.
I learned that these patterns are coming from my childhood. And while I was mostly blaming my father(he is emotionally unavailable) for feeling so needy, I find out with EMDR work that I have very deep and intense mother problems, especially about being neglected. I hardly realized this because I have a very caring, loving and also possesive mother. It seems to be a taboo for me to judge her and I feel guilt when I accept this reality. But I start to see our pattern. For the first time a therapist told me that I have an attachment disorder and unconsciously I don’t want to break my bond with my mother so she told me that I always choose unavailable men and live a crisis of abandoning the mother.
It really makes sense to me, the problem of attachment disorder really fits Venus-Saturn hard aspects. And I am writing this here because I recommend people with hard Venus-Saturn aspects to learn about attachment problems(I went to lots of therapists but none of them told me it this clear). We started an EMDR work to understand why I am having a very painful crisis just because the man I like don’t show an affection to me. Under this pattern, a huge rage to my mother about being neglected came to surface and I cried “how can you do this, how can you?”. I don’t remember anything but the therapist told me that I talk with metaphors a lot, so it can go back to my very early childhood like 2 or 3 years old. So now we’ll go on working on it. The first pain I felt is gone now, I am comfortable with the man if he is not interested much in me. I only feel a disappointment not an existantial crisis which is normal.
I understand that I have to reborn and grow myself again. I hardly work on these issues because I have a very stubborn side which tends to isolate and shut myself, like being offended in a childish manner, waiting for someone(mother, father, doctor or God) to help and save me. And this is a kind of punishment to myself for not solving the problem easily and quickly. I am aware of Neptune issues now. I stopped being the therapist of other people(with Virgo Moon I tend to fix everyone also) but I find it hard to go outside of the victim psychology even if I am aware of it.
What helped me? I believe there are helpful aspects and positions in my chart as well as negative ones. And the kind of work helps a person changes I think. For me, knowing and understanding myself psychologically and also learning the nature of human psychology, the dynamics of emotions, the dynamics of trauma have always been the most helpful things. But that can be because of my Virgo Moon and the positive aspects of Pluto in 1st house and also good aspected Mercury. Since the most thing I fear is uncertainity, I tend to learn and rationalize everything and it makes me very comfortable to know the reasons why I am behaving or feeling in that way. So yes, Virgo Moon helps me a lot to make my inner dynamics clear to me and my Mercury helps me to express it verbally. These positions help me very much because I have hard aspects of Neptune. I am also a very curious person, I have an impulse to learn deeper realities which I think is connected to my 9th house Sun-Mars position, and again powerful scorpio energy surrounding my ascendant.
Thanks to Libra asc, and my powerful Mercury, I am social, I like to know new people, I easily connect with people, make them feel comfortable around me and have fun a lot together. With this motivation I overcome my social anxiety which was phobia in my childhood and adolescent years. Now I have confidence in making friends but still have problems with more intense and close relationships(8th house Venus). I learned to put borders around me, learned the tricks of daily relationships and I am good at. People mostly find me very sempathic and smiling. I just still have problems with more close relationships. if you look at my chart you'll see there is a positive triangle with Mercury in the MC in the other side of my Venus-Saturn-Jupiter triangle. My academic career healed me so much. I feel very secure and comfortable with the people here. Seeing the same people every day (a stabil enviroment) and creating strong connections with them helped me so much and I also feel accepted because we are usually similar to each other mentally.
It is very important for the Venus-Saturn people to learn the projection and transmission terms in psychology. I learned that I constantly try to create an old scene(life is a theater yes) in my current relationships and wait a different outcome. Again I am transmitting mother or father image to the man I like or a close friend and desperately wait for the attention I need so much. This causes to choose wrong people for close relationships because you can’t see the real person near you, you just see the projection and it is not healty, it is just a repetation of past. Also the other person cannot understand why you are so sensitive to his/her behaviours or words. It is necessary to first realize these projections and transmission and face with the real pain of absent attention and love in our childhood.
I also have nodes with Venus-Saturn opposition which shows me that these patterns are coming from my family roots(I am also working o family karma and healing). My mother has Saturn in her 4th house for example…My mother side aunts never married, uncles divorced. My father also has strong Saturn aspects(to his Sun and Mercury) and there are generational patterns of being fatherless in his family. So this is a generational problem.
I am still working on it…my journey goes on. I can recommend some books about this problem: David Richo’s “When the past is present”, Shapiro’s EMDR books, any article on attachment and abondonment wounds and about healing the inner child.
But it is not easy and it is a journey I understood. I mean no miracle happens suddenly and your whole love life and relationships change…I hardly accept this reality, the reality that I have to grow myself in time with hard work.
A brief history of my problem; I have friendship problems whole my life. I always look for a group to be a part of but always feel rejected, unloved and out of it. After a time I find myself in a conflict between being myself and saying the truth and following the group. And I always look for a friend to be close to like a sister or brother. But I couldn't find one. People change in my life constantly, I have not much old friends in my life. I just have two love affairs in 2006 and 2007. But both of them finished with disappointment. My pattern is about rejection. It triggers when I fall in love with a man unavailable, cold or loves someone else. I was suicidal for a long time and the diagnosis was atypical depression which means being too sensitive to rejection and abandoment. When I believed I will never be loved and be alone whole my life, I usually decided to kill myself(in the past), and have two attempts unsuccesful when I couldn’t handle with the pain I felt.( guess Saturn-Jupiter square is related to this all-or-nothing thinking)
I am 32 years old now and I am actively working on this since 2008. Sometimes I shut myself without hope, sometimes I get hopeful and work on it more. It is just too painful to live the same pattern but I am a real survivor.
I learned that these patterns are coming from my childhood. And while I was mostly blaming my father(he is emotionally unavailable) for feeling so needy, I find out with EMDR work that I have very deep and intense mother problems, especially about being neglected. I hardly realized this because I have a very caring, loving and also possesive mother. It seems to be a taboo for me to judge her and I feel guilt when I accept this reality. But I start to see our pattern. For the first time a therapist told me that I have an attachment disorder and unconsciously I don’t want to break my bond with my mother so she told me that I always choose unavailable men and live a crisis of abandoning the mother.
It really makes sense to me, the problem of attachment disorder really fits Venus-Saturn hard aspects. And I am writing this here because I recommend people with hard Venus-Saturn aspects to learn about attachment problems(I went to lots of therapists but none of them told me it this clear). We started an EMDR work to understand why I am having a very painful crisis just because the man I like don’t show an affection to me. Under this pattern, a huge rage to my mother about being neglected came to surface and I cried “how can you do this, how can you?”. I don’t remember anything but the therapist told me that I talk with metaphors a lot, so it can go back to my very early childhood like 2 or 3 years old. So now we’ll go on working on it. The first pain I felt is gone now, I am comfortable with the man if he is not interested much in me. I only feel a disappointment not an existantial crisis which is normal.
I understand that I have to reborn and grow myself again. I hardly work on these issues because I have a very stubborn side which tends to isolate and shut myself, like being offended in a childish manner, waiting for someone(mother, father, doctor or God) to help and save me. And this is a kind of punishment to myself for not solving the problem easily and quickly. I am aware of Neptune issues now. I stopped being the therapist of other people(with Virgo Moon I tend to fix everyone also) but I find it hard to go outside of the victim psychology even if I am aware of it.
What helped me? I believe there are helpful aspects and positions in my chart as well as negative ones. And the kind of work helps a person changes I think. For me, knowing and understanding myself psychologically and also learning the nature of human psychology, the dynamics of emotions, the dynamics of trauma have always been the most helpful things. But that can be because of my Virgo Moon and the positive aspects of Pluto in 1st house and also good aspected Mercury. Since the most thing I fear is uncertainity, I tend to learn and rationalize everything and it makes me very comfortable to know the reasons why I am behaving or feeling in that way. So yes, Virgo Moon helps me a lot to make my inner dynamics clear to me and my Mercury helps me to express it verbally. These positions help me very much because I have hard aspects of Neptune. I am also a very curious person, I have an impulse to learn deeper realities which I think is connected to my 9th house Sun-Mars position, and again powerful scorpio energy surrounding my ascendant.
Thanks to Libra asc, and my powerful Mercury, I am social, I like to know new people, I easily connect with people, make them feel comfortable around me and have fun a lot together. With this motivation I overcome my social anxiety which was phobia in my childhood and adolescent years. Now I have confidence in making friends but still have problems with more intense and close relationships(8th house Venus). I learned to put borders around me, learned the tricks of daily relationships and I am good at. People mostly find me very sempathic and smiling. I just still have problems with more close relationships. if you look at my chart you'll see there is a positive triangle with Mercury in the MC in the other side of my Venus-Saturn-Jupiter triangle. My academic career healed me so much. I feel very secure and comfortable with the people here. Seeing the same people every day (a stabil enviroment) and creating strong connections with them helped me so much and I also feel accepted because we are usually similar to each other mentally.
It is very important for the Venus-Saturn people to learn the projection and transmission terms in psychology. I learned that I constantly try to create an old scene(life is a theater yes) in my current relationships and wait a different outcome. Again I am transmitting mother or father image to the man I like or a close friend and desperately wait for the attention I need so much. This causes to choose wrong people for close relationships because you can’t see the real person near you, you just see the projection and it is not healty, it is just a repetation of past. Also the other person cannot understand why you are so sensitive to his/her behaviours or words. It is necessary to first realize these projections and transmission and face with the real pain of absent attention and love in our childhood.
I also have nodes with Venus-Saturn opposition which shows me that these patterns are coming from my family roots(I am also working o family karma and healing). My mother has Saturn in her 4th house for example…My mother side aunts never married, uncles divorced. My father also has strong Saturn aspects(to his Sun and Mercury) and there are generational patterns of being fatherless in his family. So this is a generational problem.
I am still working on it…my journey goes on. I can recommend some books about this problem: David Richo’s “When the past is present”, Shapiro’s EMDR books, any article on attachment and abondonment wounds and about healing the inner child.
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