being an observer in life- how to change it?

Hello,

i decided to write here again because i feel like im wasting my life - or maybe i am wrong. I dont wanna write what i have been in the past and how i understood my life and my purpose. Now is what counts. Because of pandemics since march 2020 i live with my family again. Since 1 year when i started working professionally in my profession in an office that i wanted to- i started to have less and less time for my friends from the past. Its due to many reasons- i wanted to cut off, i wanted to rebuild myself, i wanted to finally focus on my life not to others life or being a sponge for others crying and problems.

The thing is - when i started to live life i wanted to when i started 'cut off' not only people but* 'the past me' , i started to transform somehow - i saw that actually noone from my friends - maybe 1 person from closer friends was interested in what i was doing and taking initiative in talking or keeping in touch with me. So in the past for the last 10 years i had many circle of friends, social environments but it was usually due to me - my action, my initiative. I was a member of many organisations , groups but usually i was on the same level as men have been. Their girls were passive. I was always active but i thought it was good. It was not good. I havent had anyone in many years. Last 10 years was a path of failures in my relationship life and it was not because i didnt want to- i wanted to!!!- but noone wanted me for a long time in that 'active state' and usually my male friends ALWAYS were chosing passive girls.*

So i learnt that if i wanted to be in a group or a social circle i needed to take an action. And i was living in that state to be active and to take action, take initiative all my life, in work environment and in personal life. But maybe 2-3 years ago i decided to stop and only started to put my energy in my work environment. I started being passive in social activities ( because lmost everything was due to my initiative) because i was putting that energy in my work circle. I was getting higher and higher in work and in competitions related to work but i was losing friends. BUT I SAW that NOONE was willing to contact me first. And it was usually me who was that person to ORGANISE. SO i stopped. I started being passive in whatever i was doing earlier being an active person. I logged off from many social media, i started not to be 'visible'. AND what happened is that after some time- people started writing to me and CALLING ME. Usually people that i didnt expect* TO REMEMBER ME.

I lost weight, i look for a boyfriend now, but i dont wanna commitment. I havent had anyone in years like in a normal relationship. i was not in a target in this 'relationship, dating scene' so i can date now. But im 30. People assume i look for someone to be with long term or to marry. Its not true.*

My male friends and other people from the past remember me always being single. No man around me. Always everything i did was done by me maybe with a lil help of my foreign friends or family.

And now its not maybe about this pandemics, but i see myself as an observer of life. That I can really focus on my work and work related stuff and anything except relationship. I really do not care about men, and i am not jealous of guys that im attracted to that choose other female friends. I am like - ok whatever. And i go in that state deeper in life. I am afraid that it will not stop, that even if i look better or even if i am smarter, have more experience in work or i am more attractive - i would send 'whatever vibes'.*

AND my questions to you are - did i change forever? Its like 'i dont wanna, i dont care state'. ANd its not that i dont 'care' and i have contact with people. No. I dont care and I DO NOT have contact with people- only with* A FEW people including my FOREIGN FRIENDS from Spain or France that we share online pandemics live together . Only calling no social media. Sometimes i send 'instagram stories or fb stories' , i see people from the past are interested, see my stories, observe my stories, sometimes comment my stories. I never know WHEN IS the good time to change, to transform life to the way* i want.**

im* not like 21st century independent girl who have many friends, social circle, is talkative , popular and single by choice but her male friends secretly love her- no. Now since maybe a year or 1.5 years i prefer being alone, at home with family or with a book. Like i would come back to this state of being a teenager or someone who really dont care. For me world is open , i wanted to travel this year but pandemics started - i am stuck* here, work from home, being alone. I dont even 'have online connections' with people. Its not like in movies or in SKYPE ads that people gather and have social meetings. No. I am really alone. And if i didnt live with family now during pandemics i wouldnt have anyone to talk to in reality.




What do you see in my chart? I dont want to sound bad but it would be nice if you tell me if that state of my mind like 'being arrogant or not trusting or opening up to people' would fade away? What is going to change in my life?*

Thanks for any advice and comment,*

M

You have Aquarius north node in 7th house so it’s like a push and pull from your leo south node in first. The Aquarius north node is to be there for other people-humanity where as leo is about self especially in the first house. You are moving away from self and going to Aquarius Nn which is about helping others, humanity etc - you are fighting it.

Hkk said:

You have Aquarius north node in 7th house so it’s like a push and pull from your leo south node in first. The Aquarius north node is to be there for other people-humanity where as leo is about self especially in the first house. You are moving away from self and going to Aquarius Nn which is about helping others, humanity etc - you are fighting it.

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hello, thank you for your reply . but how i will go away from myself and start being more humanitarian and help others? how do you see it? right now im stuck in with my issues and stuff thinking about my life and career. its not like im selfish but i really do notput any focus now on other people. i have many things about me, my life, my family that i need to finish in the next 1-3 months

myapie said:

hello, thank you for your reply . but how i will go away from myself and start being more humanitarian and help others? how do you see it? right now im stuck in with my issues and stuff thinking about my life and career. its not like im selfish but i really do notput any focus now on other people. i have many things about me, my life, my family that i need to finish in the next 1-3 months

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I have a leo north nice so opposite to you. I find it difficult to understand and get around as it’s in its opposite house! Anyway I feel you can still get there. Someone on this thread said to me let it happen naturally and that’s the beat advise I got. It was David starling so if you get a chance get him to read your chart.

Anyway this link may help you


http://astroarena12.blogspot.com/2019/09/north-node-in-aquarius-free-spirited.html?m=1

Myapie, what you're describing is something I've noticed to be quite common at Saturn return: caring less about past interests, being more introverted, at least for a time, shifting interests. It seems especially pronounced for those with Saturn in Capricorn, who've just been going through their Saturn returns, and no surprise: Capricorn is the sign of the hermit.

Saturn return is a transitional time. It's normal, in a transitional time, to be taking a step back, and being an observer, as you describe yourself. With Saturn being joined by Pluto and Jupiter, it's even more pronounced. And when the whole world is in flux and crisis with a global pandemic and shut down, even more so.

That doesn't mean this is forever. You might not go back to being exactly the way you were before. But there will probably come a time when you feel more social and more ready to be out there instead of in here.

I don't think you'll stay single forever, either, although you may prefer singlehood right now, and that's fine. A busy seventh house, like you have, tends to call for partnership, or at least for others, but that's as a life theme, not something you have to be seeing at every moment. Right now, reaching out online for understanding, is a way of activating your seventh house: reaching out to others.

You might not want to go out and play the dating game. Maybe you'll just be contentedly single until you happen to meet someone you want to be with. That's a great way to go: spares you all the angst of chasing relationships. While a busy seventh house does speak to some sort of need for partnership, a busy Aquarius seventh house needs to do it your own way. Aquarius is also a very detached sign. Being detached in the relationship arena is a normal way to manifest it.

Hi Myapie,

From a very quick look at the chart you have Moon conjunct Saturn in the 6th house. It looks like Saturn has been transiting this 6th house as part of your Saturn return.

I think the natal placement and the transits both relate to your pivot to work but also to your emotional well being defined by giving and taking amongst those around you, and social obligations more generally.

What I am hearing is that when you were more actively organising events etc. people were social but you also mentioned you wanted to stop being a "sponge for others crying and problems". Now that you are passive, eventually some people do reach out but took some time.

These all sound like very Saturn & moon phrases and perspectives which can create a heaviness and expectations around nurturing, care and relationships (friendship, professional or otherwise). Pluto is /will be transiting your moon which could be very significant and perhaps something to read up on.

Your Midheaven ruler sits on your DSC which I think can be interpreted as relationships through your profession / public persona (once again not necessarily romantic relationships). How would you describe your relationships with people at work? Mars on your DC to me could mean someone that pursues strategic partnerships to further their career and given that Mars is one of the more energetic planets perhaps focusing on that is one way to be less of an observer.

Instead of focusing on social give and take perhaps try a different take... you are conspicuously silent on whether your happy! What do you enjoy?! Are you enjoying your work or your friends or are you enjoying time at home? If you are enjoying time with yourself then perhaps focus on not needing anyone to care for you, you simply want to enjoy people's company for who they are. And care for others without expectation of any return but also within clear boundaries so you're not exhausting yourself.

I would think that Jupiter in the 12th house could be a good placement for this - Jupiter is naturally at home here, is relatively joyous but also caring and compassionate (and forgiving). Quarantine is a good time to explore your Jupiter. And Jupiter will be transiting your 7th house soon, touching your Mars, (Saturn will also transit into the 7th too). So a good time to use some of those flexible, compassionate, optimistic energies into one on one relationships, for work or friendship or otherwise when using your Mars).

So in summary, perhaps try and focus away from a Saturn / Moon way of looking at this topic to a mix that includes more Jupiter and Mars. These are naturally more energetic planets and are relevant in the context of the lockdown and also by transit. And focus on happiness!

myapie said:

So in the past for the last 10 years i had many circle of friends, social environments but it was usually due to me - my action, my initiative. I was a member of many organisations , groups but usually i was on the same level as men have been. Their girls were passive. I was always active but i thought it was good. It was not good. I havent had anyone in many years. Last 10 years was a path of failures in my relationship life and it was not because i didnt want to- i wanted to!!!- but noone wanted me for a long time in that 'active state' and usually my male friends ALWAYS were chosing passive girls.

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Hello myapie,


you have mars in 7th house - and what you described - is exactly what a mars does - being active and the active part - taking leadership and feeling responsible for to do it and for everybody you meet (mars rules 10th house with mars/saturn correspondence energy - doubled by uranus as ruler of 7th in capricorn - with uranus/saturn correspondence energy).


But saturn as ruler of your 6th house - where your uranus is in - and saturn himself - strong placed in own house - rules a house with a very sensitive and critical house cusp of zero degree capricorn. And saturn conjuncts your moon - whose 12th house - moon rules - is on same sensitive and critical zero degree cancer.


Moreover your sun in 9th house squaring your jupiter is on special degree of zero as well - squaring your 12th house zero degree cancer.


Zero degree means a feeling of sitting between two chairs, between two worlds (the visible and the invisible), between two opportunities -not knowing what to choose and what choice to make -scared to lose the second one if choosing the first one - and always feeling to have missed or overlooked something - you could have do better.

It is like these two houses and each planet as tenants in - feel not safe in this house - like a "Damocles sword is hanging over their heads" and always scared to do something wrong. It is kinda a tensioned energy where uranus, moon, saturn and neptune are "living in" - but nevertheless also a perfect continous training to build up high flexibility skills.

Uranus as ruler of 7th in 6th shows quickly reacting synaptic nervs and getting flashlight inputs in meeting people, but also getting quickly restless and nervous and then overacting.

Jupiter in 12th in public, social commitment and social media area 12th in square with your sun - can act emotionally -well meaning- but kinda also with a tendency of exaggerating to kinda find a missing "family-feeling"(cancer)- even by being very generous - but not leaving much space for others to act as well and to approach you first.

It is kinda like- if you start to do something- nobody has a tiny chance to raise his own arms first.

You know what I mean ?

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