Thoughts Needed On Toxic Relationship

Hi everyone, I'll explain this as best as possible.

My ex and I have been broken up a while now. I'm happy with someone else, but have had this persistent problem. I'd appreciate your thoughts massively.

We broke up via me leaving him. I was accused of many things throughout the relationship; from purposefully being too busy to listen to his problems or come and visit him (How that was ever my fault, I'll never know) to not being supportive enough, causing his problems to escalate (when in reality, he relied on others to fix his problems and got angry when they didn't). By this, I mean that originally, he controlled himself wanting to set a good example. In time, he would be in such a bad mood or be so depressive/OCD that he would lash out and use people as a physical form to attack. That because he couldn't control it, I clearly had to. When I didn't make him feel better, he would use that as the embodiment of all his problems.
He would accuse me of many things, from being a slut and a whore because I had male friends to being out to make a fool of him because I kept in touch with his family (who all knew of his problems, but weren't updated on them as he alienated many people).

Eventually, I realised I was silent. I wouldn't speak my mind because he would fly off the handle when I did. He would insult me and say I was the worst thing to happen to him, that I made him like that. I would stop speaking to him for days, only to have him come back and beg for my forgiveness. That he was sorry and knew he didn't deserve me, that he would make up for it and prove he loved me more than anyone else would. I believed it initially. He would behave for a few days just until he knew I was no longer mad at him and his old behaviour would creep in.

Anyway. In the end, I couldn't cope with the nastiness anymore. I left, and refused to speak to him again. I knew that I would receive a barrage of abuse, which I did. It switched daily from aggressive, nasty name calling emails saying how everything was my fault. That I clearly used him, abused him, lied and cheated on him and clearly had someone else. That all the problems were caused by me. And so on.

As predicted, once he'd calmed down - the "I'm sorry and miss you" emails started. The ones where he proclaimed his love and knew that I loved him and wouldn't intentionally hurt him, that we had problems and it was just the distance causing the problem and not us as people.

A few days later, the suicide threats would come, the threats to come to my home ( a long way away) and deal with it in person. That he was really serious and would kill himself as he'd lost the love of his life.

The next day the angry emails would be back, that he realised I never ever cared and clearly never loved him.

The next day the emails would be that he was so sorry and missed me but wished me well as he knew that he deserved better than what I had done to him.

A few days later the emails would be all about how he hopes my life is going okay and hopes I will stop this messing around drama and actually speak to him and sort it out.

The next emails would be full of anger that I obviously don't care as I can so easily ignore him.

The next emails would be describing his self improvement and how much better he is doing and wishes he could talk to me about it.

The next emails would describe how he desperately needs to talk to me about something that only I would understand and he knows we aren't talking but needs someone to talk to.


- This went on almost every single day, barrages of messages and calls.

I still get them now. The latest come more several emails a day, then not hearing from him for maybe a couple of days, then several more.

Most recently, they have been explaining all about his day, how he is, how I may be interested in things he has seen, hopes I am well and realises that we can be together once all is fixed but not right now ( essentially still having his relationship with me where he talks about himself and I stay silent/walking on egg shells).

I have completely ignored him. Never replied to any of them. Yet he still fires away emails in constant hope that I will realise how stupid I am being and talk to him again. That he begs for me to return to him, then a few days later states that he isn't interested in one right now until I fix my problems. Only to reverse that again days later saying I'm a nasty awful person and he so clearly knows that he doesn't need someone like me.... only to then again change it and say he desperately loves me and needs me back.

This is not healthy behaviour, and is essentially pointless. If I reply to his emails and tell him to get lost and leave me alone, he will learn I am reading and will respond. Likely threaten to kill himself too.

It has been a long time now. I am happy, moved on, living my life. It's been almost a year now. Yet he still persists on and on.

Do not answer any of the emails. Ever.

Dont even read the emails.

Borderline?

Nemis, I am moving this thread to the chat forum, since there is no question or horary chart involved here.

Tamara

Nemis, you sound like a good person. :3

This man is a sad, lost one however, and right now, he is just trying to bring someone down with him.

It may be hard, but do yourself a favor and cut this man out of your life.

Change your email address and move on. This man needs to be on his own to grow, seek whatever mental help he can, and change as a human being altogether.

You have suffered enough from someone who is not happy with himself. Let him go, ignore him forever, you have done enough. :3

Ok, folks. I deleted the off topic comments and replies. Nothing to see here, these are not the droids you are looking for, take the popcorn elsewhere.

t

Blaze said:

Nemis, you sound like a good person. :3

This man is a sad, lost one however, and right now, he is just trying to bring someone down with him.

It may be hard, but do yourself a favor and cut this man out of your life.

Change your email address and move on. This man needs to be on his own to grow, seek whatever mental help he can, and change as a human being altogether.

You have suffered enough from someone who is not happy with himself. Let him go, ignore him forever, you have done enough. :3

Click to expand...

I agree with you.

Unfortunately, I must keep the email and have tried blocking him before. It's really quite sad that he wastes so much of his time and clearly will get himself no help at all.

I have known this person a long time, we got together after I split from my current partner. The person detailed in the post has always had a 'hold' on me, but when we are young and foolish, we think the words are honest and genuine. During the 6 years, we have only been together a fraction of the time - the rest was very, very happily spent with my partner I am with today. Breaking up initially was not something that should have happened, but it did and there is no changing it.

The person from the post, let's call him 'B' - has proceeded to carry out his 'side' of the relationship by emailing and attempting to communicate through any means possible. Family, friends, work, etc. When together, I felt I had to tred on eggshells to prevent yet another explosion over nothing, which is something he wanted, to control. With still emailing me, he has essentially what he had when we were together. He can say and do all he wants. Be as angry as he wishes to be, and yet can still apologise if/when he feels bad for it in a few days/weeks time. Yet I remain saying, nothing. This has gone on the past year since we split.
I have to keep my email due to work, however many of them have been deleted and I have blocked on many social media & similar platforms. Ultimately, having to close many of my accounts for new ones.

Having been together and friends prior, he knows where I live and has often threatened to come over to sort it out (a long distance, thankfully). Prior to breaking up, he would threaten to kill himself and often still does. They are empty threats and he will not do it, he simply does it to try and gain a response. He has had medication and help from many professionals. He has OCD, but also has a variety of many more problems - which he needs to seek help for, but regularly chose not to, to 'wing it' on his own. He behaves in this same way for his other exes and also to his parents.

I feel nothing for him, only pity. I assumed I loved him, but did not realise the hold he had on me, even when we were just friends. Always his shadow.
I am delighted to be starting my own family and am in the best place I have ever been, all thanks to my partner. Though like you have suggested, a restraining order has been the only option I have thought of. I just know there will be many threats of suicide if I (or his exes) took such a measure, and you can never truly be 100% certain if someone won't push their luck just once if they actually do try it. I am 99% certain he is full of attention seeking and nothing else, but there is always a 1%.

A cocaine addicted lab rat in studies will swim through acid while his flesh falls from his bones, to get to the cocaine.

So I guess in his chaotic mind, he is going to remain under the impression that there is a chance with you still, because you were with him during your breakup. And it's not going to matter much if you say there is no chance of that happening. That's not going to work.

There are huge amounts of resources online in how to breakup with someone with Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder, I think it might be helpful to look into. Or read the stories of partners who are in relationships with people who have BP. The stories are all the same.

Have you looked into any healing methodologies? As you are still walking on eggshells with him, regardless of not even being in a relationship with him anymore. Still reading all his emails, it would seem. And afraid to be mean to him - by doing something drastic like blocking his email address, even if it is your work email, it can be done. Or blocking his calls. And you are afraid to help yourself by getting a restraining order against him. Out of fear of causing him to be suicidal. But that is on him. not you. He is an adult. Regardless if he is mentally unstable, why are you allowing yourself to be a victim is the question.

I am not being mean, or judging you. But getting to the root as to why you are putting yourself through this is important, why you are allowing yourself to be abused essentially.

I'm just curious, is pluto transiting your 5th or 7th house currently?

You asked for thoughts. Here are mine. This is based both on your narrative and your reactions to others in this thread.

Both you and your ex are emotionally unstable. I do not believe your current partner will be with you for long. Best of luck, and I recommend that you attend therapy. Do not talk to your ex, because that is just a messy situation with both of your temperaments.

duenderoja said:

You asked for thoughts. Here are mine. This is based both on your narrative and your reactions to others in this thread.

Both you and your ex are emotionally unstable. I do not believe your current partner will be with you for long. Best of luck, and I recommend that you attend therapy. Do not talk to your ex, because that is just a messy situation with both of your temperaments.

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How, exactly, am I emotionally unstable? I am happy and not tripping on guilt and long-lost-love over an OCD neurotic narcissist.

ashriia said:

So I guess in his chaotic mind, he is going to remain under the impression that there is a chance with you still, because you were with him during your breakup. And it's not going to matter much if you say there is no chance of that happening. That's not going to work.

There are huge amounts of resources online in how to breakup with someone with Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder, I think it might be helpful to look into. Or read the stories of partners who are in relationships with people who have BP. The stories are all the same.

Have you looked into any healing methodologies? As you are still walking on eggshells with him, regardless of not even being in a relationship with him anymore. Still reading all his emails, it would seem. And afraid to be mean to him - by doing something drastic like blocking his email address, even if it is your work email, it can be done. Or blocking his calls. And you are afraid to help yourself by getting a restraining order against him. Out of fear of causing him to be suicidal. But that is on him. not you. He is an adult. Regardless if he is mentally unstable, why are you allowing yourself to be a victim is the question.

I am not being mean, or judging you. But getting to the root as to why you are putting yourself through this is important, why you are allowing yourself to be abused essentially.

I'm just curious, is pluto transiting your 5th or 7th house currently?

Click to expand...

I would assume so, yes. Even when I watched him self sabotage other relationships, it came down to his dependency on everyone. When he doesn't get what he wants, he spits out the dummy and attaches to someone else. It's a pattern I saw through his entire life. He will always assume someone will run back to him because "he helped them through all their problems despite they did nothing for him" yet he will also claim they are the one single thing helping him stay sound. They end up looking just like words and no meaning at all.
I will definitely look in to it, thank you. I haven't looking in to many healing methods, I assumed because I walked away and got over him, I wouldn't need it. I guess like you say, it's what he is being still that still ties me to it. I'd like to say I still cared, maybe 10 months ago I would worry if he would actually cope, but I am now reminded that I should feel guilty over that one.




This is some of the information on my chart, I hope it's what would paint the picture clearer.

Sun Aquarius 25°15'57 end of house 5 direct
Moon Aquarius 3°45'30 in house 5 direct
Mercury Pisces 12°14'33 in house 6 direct
Venus Aries 5°43'33 in house 7 direct
Mars Virgo 9°46'20 in house 12 retrograde
Jupiter Virgo 6°34'52 in house 12 retrograde
Saturn Virgo 25°43'30 in house 1 retrograde
Uranus Scorpio 25°28'28 in house 3 direct
Neptune Sagittarius 22°15'29 in house 4 direct
Pluto Libra 21°38'46 in house 2 retrograde
True Node Leo 29°17'09 in house 12 retrograde

I hope you will do what you need to do, and cut the cord on him. The psychological effects of being in an abusive relationship/friendship/dynamic are very long lasting so I hope you will look into some kind of healing to help you, especially if you have known this guy all this time in the role of victim. I'm guessing with your Mars/Jupiter conjunction in the 12th house retrograde you have a hard time expressing your anger- it all gets internalized. Self help books on expressing anger, or learning to be assertive I think would help in this case. Because not expressing it, can be your self-undoing. (12th house) And the 12th house being opposite the 6th, internalized unresolved anger/frustrations - can and will take a toll on your health, if you don't work to address it.

I'm surprised how accurate that is. It sums it up, definitely. I feel or felt, i'm not sure, angry at the time wasted and all the strain of having to consider this person because of how worried he has made me in the past over what he will do to himself or say to me. That is time I will never get back, no matter how much I want to reclaim it now.

My partner and I are going to talk about what to do more and talk to our local station soon about taking better steps to prevent in getting in touch.

OK, folks, I've once again deleted the attacking posts and replies to same. Word to all...this is not "Days of Our Lives," or some other soap opera. I will start banning people who feel the need to flame, troll, and in general disrupt the forum with personal disputes. Likely with no other warning.

Moderating,
tamara

All, I have locked this thread because it became clear that it was only devolving into a personal argument between two members.

Moving on,
Tamara