GoldenLion12, waybread, and Aquarius7000. Thank you so much for the guidance. I really really appreciate it.
GoldenLion12, I've had some exposure to mental health patients at a private psychiatric institution back in Univ and I never once thought of them as 'crazy' or 'disturbed.' I just knew
intuitively that these patients were just processing
something very important or filtering out painful stimuli and I hated the fact that these people were being drugged back to our "reality." So yeah, as I result, I became that nurse who explained the effects and side-effects of drugs exhaustively before I even administered them to my patients, so that they would become fully aware of whatever they're allowing to be put inside their bodies. Now I really can't bring myself to dispense pharmaceuticals again even if they're the harmless ones (I opt out of medications myself when I get sick) and that's also one of the reason why I don't want to work as a nurse. I can probably, to some degree, go back to the healthcare industry as a caregiver. I'm quite interested in acupuncture, herbalism, and "touch therapy" types like therapeutic massage, chiropractic, and reiki. I like touching people.
waybread, I actually considered joining a Buddhist order but I didn't like the fact that I'd have to shave all my hair off. My hair is very long. I've also volunteered at a local Taoist temple (I live in Asia) before, helping the monks with their everyday chores, housekeeping, and laundry. I shall do that again while I figure it all out.
I've been having this foreboding feeling that my life isn't supposed to be mine or about me ever since I was young, and I don't know if what I'm doing now is an act of rebellion (I tend to do the opposite of what is expected of me) or if I'm only stalling the inevitable, or if this just the calm phase before I get thrust into whatever it is I'm supposed to do. It's scary.
aquarius7000, a shaman told me before that I came from a long line of healers who went astray and practiced
black magic for personal gains and that I am here now to either redeem my ancestors or be cursed to repeat the same thing again. Of course I don't believe him, never have. I think he only said that to convince me to apprentice him. So doing 'magical' stuff is out of the equation.
...and thank you, I like how you're the first one to ever tell me something like that. It's comforting to know that it's not wrong to acknowledge one's needs.