Why am I so Depressed??

I need someone to look at my chart and help me see an end to this black hole im in at work.
What I cant understand is my chart looks full of optimistic positive transiting aspects pluto trine MC, jupiter conjunct MC, pluto trine moon etc so why is my career in tatters, full of stress and anxiety and my latest pottyness is panic attacks where I keep acting extremely bizarrely, running off, bursting into tears with my heart rate through the roof and panting like ive just run 100 meters :-(
I do have a demanding job and usual thrive on stress but now i just feel defeated, scared and al i want to do is leave but i cant afford to, I feel embarrassed about my behaviour like running out of meetings, I even went for a works meal last friday only ate my starter suffered a full on panic attack from no where and ran off, with my dinner on the table and me sobbing in the car park.
I have been to the doctors and put on anti depressants and told to be off work for a few weeks, but im still sat here worrying now about work getting behind.
What aspects are causing all this and when is it going to end?

Please help :-(

Ps chart is my signature

chart with current transits

Hi Astrodawn. I wouldn't have said that those transits are necessarily easy. Pluto making any major aspect to the Moon could be a difficult time if there is a lack of the basic trust which the Moon needs to feel safe. Also, transiting Chiron conjunct Saturn can be very difficult, especially with Saturn ruling your Sun (and 6th house of work!), and you could still be feeling transiting Neptune's influence on your Saturn too. Uranus square Sun can also be a tense time, especially when the Sun is in a sign which sees Uranus as disruptive, like Capricorn. The Pluto transit to your Midheaven is also a transit to your IC, and since the 4th and 10th houses are naturally ruled by Moon and Saturn, and since your Sun is in Saturn's main sign, there is a strong theme running through all these transits which concerns the lunar and saturnian dimensions of life.

The Moon and Saturn both have a need for security, generally sought through being an accepted part of something. So your anxiety attacks and depression could be your response to profound changes that your deeper self is trying to make at the most profound levels of your being.

Perhaps more important than Saturn ruling the 6th house, is the Moon being in Virgo, suggesting that routine and repetition are important for your emotional well-being. In an earth sign and earth house, your Moon is perhaps anxious about any material changes, such as a change of job, possibly preferring stress to the unknown. But it seems that now this has reached boiling point. The difficult but wide aspects that your Moon makes to Uranus, Saturn and Chiron are made more prominent by the very close contacts between the Moon and the Saturn/Chiron and Saturn/Uranus midpoints. This suggests that it is unlikely that you had the common-sense, rhythmic mothering that you needed, and that as a result you have perhaps become a workaholic and/or somewhat compulsive in your need for order and routine.

With Saturn and Chiron in Pisces in the 7th and 8th houses, it is likely that you you feel cut off from the redemptive well-spring of imaginative and spiritual energy within you. Looking at how fear, cynicism or self-pity might be creating a barrier between you and the rest of life, could further your understanding of what you are going through right now. This would, of course, probably be most noticeable in your dealings with significant others in your life due to the houses involved.

Mars in Virgo as part of the potentially difficult stellium could mean that unexpressed anger could be relevant to your depression. The stellium in the 2nd house (involving Moon, Mars and Pluto which are all concerned with survival) suggests that your need for material security might have too much weight in your decision to stay in this stressful job. This Virgo stellium suggests to me a tremendous ability to go out in to the world and secure an income, by combining innovation, insight and strength with a sense of timing and organisational skill, especially with the fire in the chart to add to it, and the Capricorn Sun sextile Saturn.

Hope this is of some use.

Thankyou Miquar so much for this exceptionally talented insight into the transits,
I can relate to all that you are saying, yes my childhood was devoid of parental love and I have been a workaholic for a very long time, always being in control of my work, and this is the issue at present, I have been given an additionality as part of my job but I have had no training, I feel incompetent and completely OUT of control with it. My routine and security have been destroyed.
With the transiting planets involved pluto/chiron/neptune it looks like im in this for a while, and in reality this problem will not ease until summer 2012, even though I have been complaining loudly, i am getting no support as the task is essential for the forward development of the college.
i was actually given it due to my innovate ability, organisational skills and strength to create new ventures, I suppose this is a result of my own success (jupiter conjunct MC?)
Do I just grit my teeth, do something imperfectly and just admit that I did my best?? I am going to have to change my thinking/responsibility patterns, to get through this.

Warm Thanks Miquar

Hi Astrodawn. Thanks very much for the feedback.

It strikes me that there are two ways of looking at this, and it could be that both are important. One is that Mars Pluto Uranus thrives on the kind of pressure you're under. The other is that, as a workaholic and someone who is afraid of being without this job, you are putting yourself under a dangerous amount of pressure. My gut feeling is that you should insist on getting more support in the role that you are being asked to play in the college. The alternative could be some kind of nervous breakdown, which potentially could take a very long time to recover from - some people never properly recover. I would ask yourself what messages you are giving yourself, eg that you should be able to handle it, or that you can't let people down. You might have learned to value effectiveness in the world partly as a distraction from difficult feelings, and this could be a good time to question whether or not your have gone to far in this, and need to let go of some of the worldly ambition in favour of inner peace.

As far as I can see, you both need and deserve more support in your work, and once you believe this, then you will be in a position to assert this to those whose job it is to protect you from stress and exhaustion whilst delegating.

miquar said:

My gut feeling is that you should insist on getting more support in the role that you are being asked to play in the college. The alternative could be some kind of nervous breakdown, which potentially could take a very long time to recover from - some people never properly recover. I would ask yourself what messages you are giving yourself, eg that you should be able to handle it, or that you can't let people down.

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I have been insisting on support I went in for a meeting this afternoon on the very subject and ended up again in floods of tears and running off, and I think the general consensus now is that I am actually having a nervous breakdown, they have even phoned to say I need a month off or more, and I agree, but this is 'sticking your head in the sand' in my eyes, and sitting at home isnt going to improve or solve anything?

It is very interesting with "that you should be able to handle it, or that you can't let people down"
Both those things resonate very strongly with me, I have just sat here thinking deeply about those 2 things, letting other people down is letting myself down, and I should be able to handle whats going on now easily, I have gone through far worse, I honestly couldnt say which is most important?

Sometimes we let ourselves down by not letting others down, but if we've been deriving our self-worth from being useful then this is very difficult to see. I obviously can't know the purpose of this stage of your life, but I would urge you to keep an open mind about the pressure you tend to put yourself during your time away from work. Yes, the idea of giving you time off without addressing the real issues does sound like your managers putting their heads in the sand, but at the same time it could be the Universe's way of giving you an opportunity to take stock of your attitude to work, and heal the wounds that underlie it.

Astrodawn said:

I need someone to look at my chart and help me see an end to this black hole im in at work.
What I cant understand is my chart looks full of optimistic positive transiting aspects pluto trine MC, jupiter conjunct MC, pluto trine moon etc so why is my career in tatters, full of stress and anxiety and my latest pottyness is panic attacks where I keep acting extremely bizarrely, running off, bursting into tears with my heart rate through the roof and panting like ive just run 100 meters :-(
I have been to the doctors and put on anti depressants and told to be off work for a few weeks, but im still sat here worrying now about work getting behind.
What aspects are causing all this and when is it going to end?

Please help :-(

Ps chart is my signature

Click to expand...

In Equal house, most of that stellium is in late first, affecting your phsical body hmmm.....
pluto is just within 5' orb of house cusp and mars is in there...

That's a difficult stellium in Virgo and Virgo (like Cancer) are the two worriers of the zodiac and if taken to extremes can develop OCD and stomach ulcers through over internalising matters.

Your mars pluto really needs to do something physical, sports, martial arts, the riskier the better.....
http://www.celestialperspective.com/library/marspluto-aspectswhat-determines-theyre
mars/Pluto aspects by Donna Cunningham

T Neptune has not quite finished with natal saturn and *this* is classic depression, having your dreaams, ideals, inspirations crushed by huge dose of reality by saturn. So be kind to yourself, tread water, take the pills chill, try to do something physical even walking, cycling even...

T Saturn at 22' Libra is just changed house into 3rd house of communications. So for last 2.5years not only has he been testing your capacity to earn your own money, but which of your personal values and beliefs are still valid and which are not... Now in 3rd house it may knock your confidence in communications
http://www.cafeastrology.com/saturntransitinghouses.html

T Pluto conj sun should have finished now and this is a 'biggie' transit. My father died when it conj my mum's sun and hit my MC same time. But fortunately your sun is well aspected so may not have been that traumatic?

You are having a long jupiter return, which only happens every 12years, to try to capitalise on it.... could be good time to apply for new good, not quite so stressful, but maybe less money...

astrologer50 quote "T Pluto conj sun should have finished now and this is a 'biggie' transit. My father died when it conj my mum's sun and hit my MC same time. But fortunately your sun is well aspected so may not have been that traumatic?"

The year that i had TR pluto on my sun, my ex and sons father hung himself, a friend died suddenly of a brain haemorrage, and then my partner died of a brain haemorrage..that was all in a 6 month period :-( It was very traumatic indeed.

Thanks for your insight and reply.

hi dawn,
i hope things change! i don't know how much you know about astrology but the planet often associated with depression is saturn.. i use 45 degree aspects, and the other 8 and 16th series aspects, which is something not all astrologers work with.. at the time you asked this question transiting saturn was very close to an exact 45 to your moon, so 'feeling depressed' would be suggested by this transit.. however as someone already mentioned on this thread, neptune transit on natal saturn is also a potentially challenging time where a sense of greater gloom and a feeling of meaninglessness can descend on a person.. if you think of neptune as a planet that is looking to spiritual-ize what it touches, then a neptune transit can be a time where you look into meditation, healing or some sort of activity where you can incorporate the neptune energy in a positive sense.. this neptune t over your saturn, (and you could include the chiron t and natal position as well) is a fairly important transit, especially given that saturn has a close connection to your sun sign and the earth signs in general...

i hope you are able to work it out.. you have a number of important transits at this time, transiting uranus being an ongoing one to your natal sun, while t pluto is still making a pretty close 135 to your ascendant, which t uranus will do in the next little while too.. in your chart at this time all 3 outer planets, (4 if you include chiron) are making important aspects to your natal chart.. this may not resolve the depression, but it might give you the incentive to look into a means out of it at this time.. i hope this is of some benefit to you..

james

T jupiter beginning Nov was conj MC and this should have been more sociable? next year T Uranus will form a nice trine to natal venus

Uranus transits trine Venus

*You are in a loving, generous, helpful mood during this time period. Your values are more altruistic, and you are less concerned with personal gain than you are with making important contributions to life and helping others.
+A time during which you discover new and different reasons or ways to enjoy and appreciate life. A kind of mini-revolution may find you altering your value system, allowing you to like new things. A new approach to love and compassion
http://www.cafeastrology.com/uranustransits.html

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This is more important as MC ruler taurus/venus and is posited in 4th hosue/home roots. You may want to redecorate. T Uranus will be semi sextile MC which could be opportunities for work/finance (uranus 8th)

Moon square venus
http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24933&page=1

Transiting mars has just changed signs into virgo and will be there for months and will go over your virgoan planets, activating each one, which may be difficult. next week t mars will be opposition saturn, and this frustrations in actions, stop/go situations. End of year T pluto will trine natal moon, which is good, the emotions are flowing easily, it may affect your home/domestic setup. Pluto rules IC/home roots and is going through 5th house of romance, children, creativity. so 1st house (moon) 5th house T Pluto, home roots/IC also moon/cancer rules 12th your subconscious mind

starting with 27th Nov t mars will conj moon, you could become emotionally forceful, bossy even

http://www.khaldea.com/kldaephem/2000/nov2011gmt.shtml