Posting an update for anyone that is interested.
Things have changed a lot. I'm slowly getting back on track; but it is hard. I felt like giving an update and now I'm finding it difficult to do so.
I've weaned myself off all medication. I've been medication free for the past few days. It's been at least 2 weeks since titrating the medication down. The withdrawal effects are still present but the worst has passed.
I'm much more alive (in spirit). I'm gaining my old interests back and being able to focus more. My mind races, but it isn't bad. My mental health has been improving and I'm rather amazed at the things I am doing. However, there are some hiccups here and there, but it doesn't cripple me.
Got cold feet today at an event. Ending up not going and let them know why (in part). With exams and dealing with these emotions, it's not ideal to put unneeded extra on me.
This time apart has really been an eye-opener for me. I've been reading old messages and I couldn't believe what the hell I was saying. This woman did nothing but stand by me. Sure, she had her own insecurities, but my God, why the hell did I respond like I did. I lost complete respect for her. I feel like puking.
I can't believe the things I missed. I couldn't give her the attention nor time she needed. I wish I could have. She deserved more than what I was giving.
I still hope our paths cross again. I have kept the necklace on that she gave me. I try not to read into things. I'm hopeful but I need to accept these things. With time I will eventually.
I'm fairing...
"self healing" only gets you so far. You need to genuinely change and improve the attitude to improve the mental state. Convincing one's self of improvement is often only short lasting and detrimental as the old routine quickly kicks back in. Such as "being improved" and wanting to show the world how improved you are - it's all rash and doesn't last. Anger or upset soon takes place and erases any of the 'temporary' improvement.
It's especially seen in troubled minds where the goal is seen and not the steps. Become a good, honest, kind person and not aim for what those will reward you with.
Is exactly seen as above. It's all objectifying. "I made her the happiest person alive" - Great, however it's all ego driven. It's not how she felt, it's how you felt being given that title. Wanting to fix it with her to fix how YOU feel right now. It's the wrong way to connect with someone, ever.
Work on yourself, if people like it, they gravitate to it. If they no longer care, they won't. People are fragile.
I couldn't agree more.
There is this chick at school that is tall and malnutrition. I keep passing her from time to time as the nurse/biochemical departments are on the way out to the train. I saw her today walking out. She seemed horrifically depressed (which seems "normal" for her). I feel like saying something to her as I've seen people like this end up committing suicide. Say something to boost her mood or ask if she is okay?
I'm not entirely sure if it is a good idea or not. I feel guilty towards my SO (I have no idea what to call her, I don't feel like "ex" is appropriate but it's kind of true? I'm not sure as she hasn't requested for her necklace or said it was "over-over") that I would be cheating on her if I asked someone (woman) if they are alright. (It's relieving I don't have this constant anxiety if some woman walks in my few or looks at me, but this feels different. This feels like I'm pushing towards someone. Man, OCD is just nasty. You know what, I'll just refer to her as "C" from now on. I can't use her first name here). Plus, C did say in the past that this chick appears to have "something" for me. She was in the line for coffee and the moment I came up she got the jitters. She stares at me down the halls and instantly looks away or has this "petrified" look when I come near. So I don't know if it is me or that she is genuinely depressed. I feel like it is the latter but I don't want to get into someone else's business.
Getting involved might not be the best thing to do for her sakes. (Some people don't want some label associated with them or be wrongfully judged. Given the stigmas against mental health, if she knew I approached her because she seems depressed, and she ends up having some anxiety disorder like she appears to have, it may just worsen her state).