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  #1  
Unread 06-26-2018, 06:11 PM
cinephile24 cinephile24 is offline
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Unhappy Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

astro_2gw_catherine.65837.45745.jpgCan't find me in my chart - HELP!
on: Yesterday at 19:31 [UT+1]

Having an existential crisis. Trying to get into astrology but am struggling due to my chart. I relate mostly to Cancer and Pisces but they are nowhere to be found. Everything I look at seems like leader, go-getter, blunt, harmony, change, adventurer. This isn't me. I realize that there are many aspects at work to consider, but I just don't see myself in my chart. My Sun Moon combo (Sag/Aries) makes zero sense to me. I hate that my Rising and Ascendant are the same. My house placements largely do. But the signs don't. I've got mostly Fire signs. I do have some Fire in me. As far as Sagittarius goes, I do love to travel (though I don't get to nearly as often as I'd like). I am curious and can get restless (but more from micro situations than macro). I love to learn & read but can have a hard time retaining or grasping concepts. But the optimism is not me. And I like, even *need*, routine in my life. I do get caught between ideas of freedom and dependence a lot. The North and South Node stuff I was reading seemed to address this. I don't like change or moving. But I do feel an innate need to be free a lot. Or at least I get very overwhelmed if I feel I am not, and it is very easy for me to feel that.

I am a homebody, insecure, not a people person at all, struggles with change, lazy, struggle with depression & mostly anxiety. I'm not a leader or outgoing in the slightest. In most social situations I sit back and observe. I don't speak my mind. I have no activist qualities in me. I suffer from a ton of social anxiety and so I tend to not be boisterous and keep everything close to the chest. Even with people I'm closest with. But when I am comfortable I am often talkative, blunt (only about myself, never others), enthusiastic, fun, kooky, etc. But I am only talkative in extremely small groups, like 3-4 people at most, and it depends on which people. Otherwise, even when comfortable, I tend to stay silent and/or feel out of place and overwhelmed by extended social activity. Once my I run out of social energy I tend to feel very restless and overwhelmed. Like I need to run out of the room. I have experienced this with friends, family, and co-workers. In social situations I tend to laugh, nod and agree with everything people say to keep things smooth and amicable. But if I am upset or in a funk, my face is completely transparent and I cannot hide it.

I am passionate, yes, and extremely emotional & hypersensitive. My mind can be a very erratic place. I am passionate, yes, and extremely emotional & hypersensitive. My mind can be a very erratic place. Most of all I keep seeing optimistic pop up all over my chart but I'm the opposite. TThere are a few things I see in myself for sure. But I just want so badly to subscribe to this, and be part of it. And I'm just looking for that in my life. Is there any way you can help?

A great deal of my life and emotions is ruled by this fear, of people not liking me or avoiding moments of conflict, however small, because of how it makes me feel. It's where most of my social anxiety comes from, a combination of these two things. Fear of conflict or having a different opinion about anything even in a safe space is what I steer clear from. It's why I don't relate to the activist parts of my chart. The go-getter, world changer, courageous, trail-blazer stuff. I am not outspoken in my beliefs, and if someone says something problematic, I will not say anything (unfortunately). I just can't bring myself to. Those are the situations I will do anything to stay out of. This is why my Sun/Moon combination is so distressing to me. I am not an initiater or a leader at all. Hence Jupiter in Aries making no sense to me either. Too much Aries lol! It seems to embody all this stuff that I can't relate to. I am trying to find Aries Moon with who I am on the inside. I was hoping for a Moon conjunction Saturn. I am the least assertive person I know.

My mind is often erratic or deep in thought. It's weird because sometimes I can be extremely lucid and perceptive about myself and articulating how I feel or understand the things going on around me. Other times I can't at all.

I'm looking for the Pisces and the Cancer in me. Those are the signs I relate to. When I learned about the entirety of the birth chart I was so excited! Finally, an answer as to why I didn't relate much to Sag! But then it was...more Sag! I was hoping my mom was wrong about my birth time or birth place but alas. But then I kept seeing more of things I'm not. I'm even less Aries than Sagittarius. I've got mostly Fire signs. I do have some Fire in me. As far as Sagittarius goes, I do love to travel (though I don't get to nearly as often as I'd like). I am curious and can get restless (but more from micro situations than macro). I love to learn & read but can have a hard time retaining info or grasping concepts. But the optimism is not me. And I like, even *need*, routine in my life. I am very complacent. I do get caught between ideas of freedom and dependence a lot. The North and South Node stuff I was reading seemed to address this. I don't like change or moving. But I do feel an innate need to be free a lot. Or at least I get very overwhelmed if I feel I am not, and it is very easy for me to feel that. But then on the other side I look for protection, security, dependence in life in certain regards. Something my boyfriend & I struggle with is that we are both very emotional & sensitive people. There are times it can feel like I am boxed in by our collective temperaments and not free from that, for example, which can really overwhelm me. I can be quick to anger or sadness and emotional flare-ups. The sadness I am incapable of keeping under wraps. The anger I mostly do and can. I relate to fire in the strength and power of my emotions much more than any idea of action. I am a list-maker. I have projects related to my interests. I am extremely passionate about my interests in life. My passion in life comes from my love of film, which I've dedicated a lot of my time and life to studying. I can get extremely excited about starting new projects. And I tend to be obsessive & all-consuming with these things.

I guess I just feel lost. I want to see me in my chart so badly. It's been consuming me for weeks. I want to be defined by emotion & intuition & sensitivity. I want to have that eye-opening moment of seeing myself laid out within the chart. My chart is making me feel misunderstood. I'm happy I'm Sagittarius over a few other signs that feel even less like me. And I do feel like, after so many years of therapy, I have a good grasp on myself. I just want to see myself in here. I want it to "get" me if that makes sense. And a lot of the fundamental things don't seem to. My chart makes me feel misunderstood.

My Sidereal chart feels more like me on first glance, but I want to stick with Tropical because it's the primary way of looking at it here. Any help is greatly appreciated! chart.png


Last edited by cinephile24; 06-26-2018 at 06:21 PM.
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Unread 06-26-2018, 06:17 PM
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Re: Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

Without the chart, I notice that a 7 degree Sagittarius sun is in the 1st house. There might be a possibility that you are a late Scorpio riser, which by placidus and other quadrant house systems, places your ascendant ruler Mars in the 12th house, which would go to explaining a number of the tendencies that you state you have. But try to get your chart posted as that's the best way to get valuable responses.

How confident are you of your birth time?
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Unread 06-26-2018, 06:20 PM
cinephile24 cinephile24 is offline
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Re: Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by conspiracy theorist View Post
Without the chart, I notice that a 7 degree Sagittarius sun is in the 1st house. There might be a possibility that you are a late Scorpio riser, which by placidus and other quadrant house systems, places your ascendant ruler Mars in the 12th house, which would go to explaining a number of the tendencies that you state you have. But try to get your chart posted as that's the best way to get valuable responses.

How confident are you of your birth time?

Just updated. Thanks! 100% confident of my birth time unfortunately. Double checked with my mother about what was listed on my birth certificate.
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Unread 06-26-2018, 06:33 PM
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Re: Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

I'll write you a response on your chart later. As someone with a chart stacked with more Sagittarius than yours, I have never related to the stereotypical tropes surrounding the sign, but then stereotypes give a limited, one-dimensional picture and of course, proper astrology goes beyond static traits of the signs.

What is your understanding of optimism?
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Unread 06-26-2018, 06:39 PM
cinephile24 cinephile24 is offline
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Re: Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

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Originally Posted by conspiracy theorist View Post
I'll write you a response on your chart later. As someone with a chart stacked with more Sagittarius than yours, I have never related to the stereotypical tropes surrounding the sign, but then stereotypes give a limited, one-dimensional picture and of course, proper astrology goes beyond static traits of the signs.

What is your understanding of optimism?

That's a tough one. I'm not sure I have the words for it. But I'm very much not a look on the bright side person. I get get very down and hopeless on myself and the world around me. I have a hard time keeping up a positive attitude. It's something that takes work and active effort. I think I am good at staying optimistic for others when they need me. For friends and family if they need support I try to be positive for them and make them feel better.
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  #6  
Unread 06-26-2018, 07:16 PM
Hades055 Hades055 is offline
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Re: Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

Hello Cinephile24


First of all, i want to remark the bravery in opening yourself and explain in lots of detail what are you feeling. I can understand that this can result intimidating for you and i really appreciate that you went at length in making sure we can understand what's going on.


It is true that you have "a lot" of Sagittarius in your chart, but, we also have 3 major events in your chart:


1- Saturn is in your 1st house


2- Neptune is also in your 1st house, making aspects to Venus and the Moon.


3- You have the North Node in your 4th house.




This changes totally the dynamics of your chart. Because we have Saturn in the 1st house, you won't be "full of absolute optimism, and happy go-lucky attitude". Saturn wants to be more cautious. More meticulous. More deliberated on everything.


This means that, the usual archetype associated with Sag (Jovial, adventurer, a bit of a preacher as well) doesn't quite fit you. Saturn in the 1st house (no matter the ASC) is a very difficult position to master, because you feel that your persona is not good enough. You feel like it's difficult to be on your skin. That a sense of identity is a very difficult thing to have.


To this, we add Neptune to the mix, which brings even more confusion. Neptune is considered a bit of a chameleon. So it adopts the stance and suit that best fits, but never identifying itself with it.


The aspects to both Venus and the Moon can explain your feelings that your mind feels "erratic" at times. It can also explain your resonance with Cancer (Moon) and Pisces (Neptune) and how relationships can be tempted by feelings of co-dependence (Neptune close to Venus, and the "pedestal" effect on people).


Your North Node is very important here. Because it starts to add color to, what it seems so far, a pretty dark image. The North Node indicates where the biggest life lessons in this lifetime will occur. 4th house.


Yes, the 4th house is the house of your mother and your homeland. But it is also the house of emotions. Your deepest emotional roots are in the 4th house. 4th house is also a house of significance and propose. Because of meaning and a propose, we do what we do. We wake up in the morning for a reason. We go to work for a reason. We share our lives with someone for a reason. All of this can be seen from the 4th house.


Now, we have all of this going on. Why is so hard for you to identify to the Sagittarius like energy? Because, it is not only that what forms part of you. The Asc is a piece in the puzzle, the Sun is a piece in the puzzle, but so is Cancer, Pisces and all the other placements.


Your puzzle, your identity, the sweet-spot where everything falls in place, starts with working with the Moon on your 4th. What makes you safe? What endeavors make you feel "at home"? What are the things that you feel involved in, that makes the time fly?


You mentioned your passion for films. I suggest to tap into the passion of film watching (and / or film making) to discover things about yourself. No need to be a super production, and no need to necessarily share it with others if you don't want to. Because it is for you.


Writing can also help you here. Let your creativity loose. Tap upon those Cancer and Pisces energies and see what flourishes in the moment. Nothing too technical, just let the pen go and write.


From there, you can work on building your identity into shape. But, into the shape that you want it to be. Not your family, friends, or relationships, but you.


Truly authentic people will appreciate your uniqueness and you won't have to adjust. They will accept you as you are.


Hopefully, this can help you in some way.
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Unread 06-26-2018, 08:25 PM
kshantaram kshantaram is offline
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Re: Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

hope this helps reflect-adapt-integrate as relevant,
do share salient pointwise feedbacks how true-untrue-insightful :


sun-sat philosophical sag asc, autocratic,
aptitude for law-justice-legal management-admin aptitudes,
sun lord 9th for luck-edu-father-distant travels;
sat 2nd lord negating to first, negating family-finances-relationship;
sun first not good for health especially infancy, separative in relationships;
sun-sat conflict with father, while sun is lord 9th for father too;

currently sat 4-5m retro towards sun-sat sag asc,
affecting health, negating finances and family-relationship etc


year end come 2019 jup moves to own sag-sun/sat asc,
promoting employment prospects;
trine aries 4th protective of domestic comforts;
trine leo 9th supportive of luck-edu-travels etc;


jup-moon-rahu NNode aries, self-mastery in own subject;
hyper-impulsive, acting-directing skills, rahu clouding wisdom,
rise-fall in life, pray for welfare of ancestors,
observe fast No-moon evenings taking milk-fruits;
wear brown hessonite for rahu over a pendant;

jup aries trine leo 9th protective of luck etc,
and trine sun-sat sag asc, protective of health and general well-being;


ketu separative SNode over libra 10th, career-job changes;


sat 2.5yr direct cap 2nd, earnings in distant lands;
rahu NNode transit leo 9th tending to foreign travels;


mer-mars scorpio research-occult-forensic aptitudes;
secretive, suspicious, sentimental, passionate;
mars own scorpio 11th for income-gains through technology etc;
jup now transit mars-mer scorpio 11/12
promoting income-relationship, foreign lands, etc


do promptly ack, and share ground feedbacks,
technicalities apart,


wishing well, kshantaram
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Last edited by kshantaram; 06-27-2018 at 02:07 AM.
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Unread 06-27-2018, 01:48 PM
cinephile24 cinephile24 is offline
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Re: Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

Thank you to everyone to has taken the time to look at my chart so far. I really appreciate it
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Unread 06-28-2018, 06:30 PM
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Re: Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

You might not have considered these aspects of your chart as pertinent to your issues or may have minimised them in your mind as not having the force to affect your outflow, but I think they are relevant to your situation.


Look at your Mercury, it's doing a couple of things that are at odds with the general thrust of above board, "look at me and hear what I have to say" aspects that you are in your chart. Mercury is planet of communication, thoughts and the rational mind - the part of you that deals with logic, facts, data and the known/ things that you have a grasp on mentally (as you can say that Mercury is very much involved with the left-hemisphere processes of the brain).. It's in the 12th house, it's in Scorpio AND it is unaspected (although there are minor aspects that this Mercury makes, an unaspected planet conventionally is one where the planet isn't making any ptolemaic aspects within significant orb, so is languishing on its own out into the wilderness. The 12th house is otherwise called the house of bad spirit that has to deal with those unseen, ungraspable and non-material/immaterial forces that affect the native, and it's also a house of imprisonment and self-undoing/self-destructive and mental anguish/afflictions (it's one of the 3 "bad" houses traditionally speaking). Scorpio as a sign is traditionally referred to as "mute" which indicates that it is inclined naturally toward being uncommunicative and with the other elements involved in Scorpio this could be for strategic as well as for self-protective purposes, not wanting others to know too much about them as it opens up the way for people to make inroads into the person's internal landscape - and Scorpion energy as martial energy does not enjoy when others are able to catch it out and make it vulnerable.


Then on top of the fact that you have this Mercury in the 12th (a "true" 12th house planet as it is located in this house regardless of house system), in Scorpio which is a sign that is private and is attributed with psychological/mental characteristics such as obsessiveness, paranoia and deep emotional sensitivity that is heavily guarded so as to not get wounded, it is also unaspected - an unaspected planet is one that is said to be unintegrated into the structure of the chart which means that it has an unbridled energy that acts as a wildcard - it can manifest in a highly individuated and uncontrolled way because it isn't grounded and integrated into the rest of the chart structure.



The dispositor of your Mercury (the planet that rules the sign that it is located in) also adds some more detail to the way in which your Mercury manifests and the aims to which your Mercurial energy is utilised. The dispositor for your Mercury is Mars in Scorpio. This Mars is in conjunction with Pluto and Mars-Pluto aspects are said to be aspects of rage (often internal) and compulsive issues surrounding the Martial instinct in your life (Anger, passion, aggression, taking a stand, initiative, courage and such). The all or nothing nature of the planet Pluto affects the planet that it conjuncts so that it is either kicked into overdrive or repressed - pluto as an energetic pattern does not incline to balance. The sphere of life that this conjunction operates within is the 11th house - a house that has to do with a person's social network and the wider community of which they are apart. What seems to be the case in your life is that there is a major tamping down/ repression of your Martial energy as a way to avoid the conflicts and social fallout that would occur if you were to unleash your more assertive energies on those around you. This paragraph exemplifies what I'm talking about when I mention your Mars/Pluto in the 11th:


Quote:
A great deal of my life and emotions is ruled by this fear, of people not liking me or avoiding moments of conflict, however small, because of how it makes me feel. It's where most of my social anxiety comes from, a combination of these two things. Fear of conflict or having a different opinion about anything even in a safe space is what I steer clear from. It's why I don't relate to the activist parts of my chart. The go-getter, world changer, courageous, trail-blazer stuff. I am not outspoken in my beliefs, and if someone says something problematic, I will not say anything (unfortunately). I just can't bring myself to. Those are the situations I will do anything to stay out of.
So, this is one of the complexes in the chart (Unaspected Mercury, the nature of its dispositor) that is to be looked at if you are to see yourself in your chart. You're not going to see yourself if you just look at the surface traits that a sign is said to have, to the detriment of other more impactful aspects and placements that speak more directly to your experience. I also see a great deal of potential for the intuitive and emotional faculties that you identify the most with, with this aspect and with others, but due to the length of the post, I will just list the aspects that I think do a lot to morph the stereotypical nature of your prominent signs in such a way as to be more descriptive of how you've been and experienced your life thus far.


1) ASC ruler is Rx and in the 4th house (a private house)

2) Moon is conjunct the NN (the NN is a point of increase for good or bad, and the Moon deals with the emotional, imaginative and subconscious domains - the right brain). Moon is also in the 4th - a private house.
3) Mars/Pluto sextile Venus/Neptune
4) Venus in Capricorn
5) Venus conjunct Neptune
6) Saturn in the 1st house
7) Saturn/Uranus conjunction in the 1st house (body, personality - both planets being anxiety inducing with one through fear and the other through over-activity of the nervous processes)
8) Chiron in the 7th in Gemini (as a re-emphasis of tendencies already seen in more important placements
9) The preponderance of Martial energy doesn't mean that you will necessarily glum to the more courageous significations, although it's not like it isn't open to you. A lot Mars could also speak to issues around self-assertion, fear and anxiety as Mars corresponds to the flight-or-flight responses, and adrenaline and too much adrenaline in a situation that does not call for it will result in an increase in heart rate and blood pressure and remember that your Mars/Pluto is located in the 11th - a social house.
10) Sagittarius preponderance aids in intuition, vision and perceptive capability
11) Your ascendant + sun is also connected to Antares - which shows further increasing of the Martial energy in your chart. Bare in mind that depression is oftentimes grounded in repressed anger and resentment - very much in the domain of Mars.
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Last edited by conspiracy theorist; 06-28-2018 at 06:48 PM.
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Unread 06-29-2018, 05:07 AM
cinephile24 cinephile24 is offline
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Thank you so much for taking the time to look at this! It really helps!!
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Unread 06-29-2018, 08:03 AM
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Re: Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

[QUOTE=kshantaram;899923]

if could care share salient pointwise ground feedbacks on the reading offered,
which could be interesting to learn of.

appreciate the prompt ack.


wishing well.
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Unread 06-29-2018, 08:24 AM
david starling david starling is offline
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Smile Re: Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinephile24 View Post
Thank you so much for taking the time to look at this! It really helps!!
Here's a simple method that might explain things somewhat: Ascendant in Sagittarius>ruled by Jupiter in Aries>ruled by Mars in Scorpio>ruled by Pluto in Scorpio, which makes Pluto a dominant factor in your Chart. Your personal feelings are expressed by Moon in Aries, which guides you to Scorpio through your Mars placement. Now, these two Signs, Sagittarius and Scorpio, are quite different: Fire versus Water, and extremely Mutable versus extremely Fixed; one loves the light of day, the other the darkness of night, when the Moon and stars are visible. Pisces resolves them, incidentally, since Pisces is Watery like Scorpio, and Mutable like Sagittarius. Hope this helps.
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Unread 06-29-2018, 10:56 AM
david starling david starling is offline
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Smile Re: Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

Pisces and Cancer Suns are your best companionship types. Mars is powerful in Scorpio, especially in a Night-chart (where the Sun is below the horizons), and Mars is inspirational for Sagittarius and also has a strong relationship with the Sign Cancer, which is compatible with both Sagittarius and Scorpio.
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