I need help understanding my 12th house cusp

People describe me as (at first) intimidating, emotionless, cold, hard to approach. When they get to know me they find I'm actually really caring and sensitive. I had to grow up really early, and even now, as someone who is transgender, I'm going through hormone therapy. Life feels overwhelming and hard. If you ask me how I felt, or what I wanted, I couldn't tell you. In reality, i just want to be loved, i want to find my soulmate. but i can't. I am still hurting from the things that went down when the boy i loved found out how i felt. now i no longer feel anything. and when i do it's just a hollow and cold, lonely. at this point it's like i've got to figure out what is wrong with me or i'm going to die.

I've come to terms with saturn being in my 7th house - i told myself maybe it's because i'm meant to find love later, with someone older. but that still doesn't solve what i feel every day. it's a struggle. i don't sleep anymore. i barely eat. i spend all of my time doing my makeup and online shopping so i can be beautiful when I go into the real world. and when i do, all it takes is 1 person to accidentally misgender me, and i feel like a worthless, ugly, piece of sh*t. and it's a cycle i can't stop.

thats when i turned once again to astrology - and realized i never really saw the significance of the 12th house. The past few days I've done a lot of reading. I have my Moon in my 12th house. I am still trying to process this information and hopefully remember to apply them when situations occur in real life. there's still so much i don't know because i'm so new. but just as I had a somewhat grasp on what my problematic behavior i find later that chiron is also in my 12th house. i don't know what it's aspecting in relation to other planets though, and not only that my 12th house moon in leo is also a 1st house cusp. Can you guys please help me shed some light on what that means for me if that's all going on in my 12th house? i dunno what else to do.

also my charts are always weird, i dunno what to believe. some generators let me choose the actual hospital I was born (holy cross hospital, broward, fl) and some like astro just let me put in fort lauderdale. isn't there still some differences?

Aw, hello Runa! First of all, I'm sorry that you're going through these feelings--the recent transits are probably not helping, with the moon sitting back in your twelfth and in scorpio these past couple of days. It seems like you are taking some time to look inside yourself. I'm a fellow 12th house moon, and I know how hard it is.

As far as your 12th house cusp goes, you've essentially hit the nail on the head. There can be almost these feelings of loss or grief when it comes to the emotions; you feel like you're hollowed out and nothing can fill the void. Chiron conjoins the moon here, which to me is an aspect that (especially in the 12th) can almost be swallowed up with grief. There may be feelings that nothing you do will ever bring you emotional satisfaction. The placement of your twelfth house, to me, is very heavy. It's very... I don't know, it's hard to explain. But you're right about what you said.

Here's to hoping you can work through this stuff.

Hi, Runa.
Your Moon is actually close enough to your ascending point, the cusp of the 1st house, to be considered in the 1st rather than the 12th. With Chiron there, your wounded feelings are very apparent to you, not hidden, as they would be if your Moon were in the 12th.

With Moon in Leo rising, you need to shine and your ability to feel like you can do it has been challenged. But fear not. Just remember what is important to you, and keep going after it. Don't take the failure too seriously. You will fail a lot; we all do in this life. Failing, however, let's you know you are actually out there living. If you don't fail, you probably aren't doing much
So keep on keeping on. Summon up the strength that your Sun, Moon, rising sign and Venus in fixed signs gives you. You've got the stuff.

Runa said:

also my charts are always weird, i dunno what to believe. some generators let me choose the actual hospital I was born (holy cross hospital, broward, fl) and some like astro just let me put in fort lauderdale. isn't there still some differences?

Click to expand...

I think most chart-generating services will use the coordinates of the bigger cities that are the closest if one was born in a small city (or town).

thank you so much for your kind replies. I'll look into my moon in the first house. the more i delve into 12 i just get more and more confused
it's comforting other people are dealing with this as well