Crumbling illusion.

I have a situation, a pattern that i believe is consistent throughout my daily routines but is also representative of a fundamental cycle that i continuously go through.

I've been able to dissect it piece by piece over a long period of time and the illusion is beginning to crumble away; which has stirred everything up within me on a deep level. What happens with this pattern is i create an ideal that i wish to achieve, this ideal serves as justification for my existence hence creating the illusion that i have a greater meaning or purpose.. i attempt to maintain this illusion at all costs for it defines me, if only temporarily. Once i actually come close to obtaining this ideal the distance of separation between myself and the object begins to converge and i panic because i can feel myself slipping into the void.. as beyond that ideal i am defined by nothing.. so i create another story of myself.

I've gone through this cycle more times then i'm even aware of, but each time it gets shorter.. the light becomes brighter and the shadows are far and few between. There's been a couple of times where i've allowed myself to fall closer into it and all i can hear is 'you could die' 'this is the end'; my heart is racing and im shaking at this point.. the only means i see to break this pattern is to let go, that however seems extremely difficult..

I feel like im walking a razors edge..

where's pluto and neptune in your chart and are they aspecting planets ruling 1, 8 or 11?
some call your matters a crisis of consciousness. mortality always comes into play.
let me ask, who designs your "illusion?" you or some other influence?
usually these issues arise when there's a disconnect between internal and external values. when thy are not in sync. i always look to natal 2nd and 11th at times like these. usually there are crosshairs.
saturn and neptune in a pissin' contest in your chart lead to this, too.
somewherein, your SUN has to stand up and be counted. The step up to the podium ~ " here I am, hear me roar! "
To roar, though, we need to know the strength of our voice - spiritually, emotionally, whatever.
It feels like your definition of yourself through your illusions is Neptunian - usually latches onto some saturnian strucure to give itself form. but oft, not sure in your instance, saturn is thwarted by neptune, natally, so one cannot be sure that those structures serve a greater purpose than show. a double bind those two ~ but saturn wants real structure, ultimately, and he will build your sandcastle with you, even though he knows the neptune tide will come and wipe it away eventually. he's showing, indirectly, that there's a lesson there for you. he's a cruel and creative teacher at the same time.
just a few random rambling thoughts on your very cool post.

I think astrological concerns could only confuse this matter. It is rather obvious what is taking place because it has happened to so many others. This process is a natural progression, pushing you forward in your spiritual development. The mistake, the ego, the you that you think you are, is afraid of losing control (as it always is). During this process, every fear you have will be intensified. The "little you" is fighting the process because of that fear. This realisation gives you the method of breaking the cycle: become fearless. If you ever want to "win" this game, there's only one way. When you become aware that you may die, respond to yourself, "I will be me, dead or alive. Bring it on." This is the natural response once you've finally become so weary and frustrated that you don't even care whether or not you actually die (which will happen sooner or later anyway). It would be quicker to just accept death now and get it over with, but many people have trouble with this step. It's not dying that you really fear. You're afraid of seeing a completely unfamiliar existence, one in which life and death are no different because both are just temporary journeys. You're afraid to see that everything you ever thought was important, thus everything that you use to define yourself, just isn't important after all. How much Truth are you ready to endure?

Thankyou for your reply MaeMae on the astrological significance of my situation; Neptune and Saturn are conjunct in the 8th house in my chart, with my Sun in opposition to them.

Mark said:

You're afraid to see that everything you ever thought was important, thus everything that you use to define yourself, just isn't important after all.

Click to expand...

Yes, this has started to become uncomfortably clear to me in the last couple of months.. like some sort of existential despair; i feel lost to myself.. i do embrace this because i 'know' this is the truth, but i have a feeling it will be through shear exhaustion that i finally accept it all.

It usually is.

lazarusx said:

Thankyou for your reply MaeMae on the astrological significance of my situation; Neptune and Saturn are conjunct in the 8th house in my chart, with my Sun in opposition to them.



Yes, this has started to become uncomfortably clear to me in the last couple of months.. like some sort of existential despair; i feel lost to myself.. i do embrace this because i 'know' this is the truth, but i have a feeling it will be through shear exhaustion that i finally accept it all.

Click to expand...

Here we have it 'fear of the unknown' and classic depressive aspect.

Saturn conj Neptune
http://astrologyforthesoul.com/billstreett/satnepgestalt.html
http://astrology.astrozoom.com/index.php?title=NEPTUNE_CONJUNCTION_OR_PARALLEL_TO_SATURN

have you checked what your secondary progressions and solar arcs are doing?


Firstly, for a proper evaluation you should consider posting your chart with progressions and transits on same wheel found in extended chart selection. Reduce the ratio of orbs to 80%, select smallest image size 63% on picture,then choose house system (my personal preference is for Equal house rather than the default of placidus), right mouse click and select 'save target pic as' and save to hard drive then upload here
http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24043
http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24042

the above threads are 'how to' get, select and post the correct charts.