you said, ''. please dont judge me hahah), but these people never appreciated the love and friendship I had to donate -''
You say later that you in way, TAUGHT these people how to take advantage of you.
Yes. And you know it. And of course, because you are very intelligent you also innately know everything I told you. But sometimes we don't trust our own instinct....and we go with our impulses.
But you know it goes deeper than your actions. These actions come from someplace. One of the places is your poor ''self image.'' The self image is ruled by the moon. The mother is the first one who teaches you how loved and how much you are accepted and approved of. And if that doesn't happen - well, something like that didn't go right with you.
And you feel you have to give a person you care about a ''bonus'' gift - that being with you under regular circumstances, and having them get to know you and visa versa, isn't enough to keep their attention.
The thing is, IF it's not enough to keep their attention, then you don't want them in you life. That is NOT love.
It's fine to give nice gifts at a birthday or Christmas or to share expenses for a vacation, but if you are consistantly attracted to people who have ''less'' than you do financially, then you are asking for trouble. You need to figure out why you do this.
I think we are back to the ''social worker'' syndrome. You want to take someone who has had no advantages and give that to them....and then you want love in return.
Yes, I recognize my poor "Self image" ... some time ago I was in therapy for almost a year with a psychologist who helped me a lot, when the cycle of my saturn return started in 2015/2016 ... (I talk a lot about this period, because it was from this cycle that I really started to take responsibility for all aspects of my own SELF ... Saturn brought up a series of questions that I needed to be aware of ... since then it hasn't stopped yet and I know that this will only "soften" a little, and maybe give me a break, after he crosses jupiter in my 1st house).
Here is a pattern in myself that I identified, my mother is a great mother, who always gave me what I need, I cannot complain in front of the scenario that she had to face, my mother was a single mother, she is now a retired teacher (she is a super cancerian 2nd house) ... I grew up in the care of my grandmother (strong scorpio) ... what can I say, I never felt enough for my mother, I observed how much her students loved her ... but for me she was always emotionally distant, and it was as if I didn’t recognize how that teacher was loved by her students ... since I was a child I was "independent" ... at the age of 5 years, I would stand up alone , took a shower, dressed in my clothes, my mother was still sleeping ... I gave her a kiss and I went to school alone almost every day, I remember little thngs of my mother present and help me with important things, what I remember was just that she bogged down as long as she could at work, it looked like she wanted to get away from the drama that was in my grandmother's house .... when I was a baby I suckled milk, only at 6:00 am and I anxiously waited for my mother to arrive at 18:00 pm to breastfeed because those were the breaks she had to nourish me, she worked from 6:00 am until 23:00 pm every day.
In my view, my mother only had time for her work and in her spare time she wanted to find a partner to share her life with.
In the therapies I did, I identified a pattern of doing a lot for the other, and never receiving what is fair in return. This occurred in my close relationships, in my work, and with the family.
I was a nerd at school, and I was also the best sportswoman, winner of several trophies and medals for school ... I was a winner in science competitions ... I played instruments for the school's musical band (well I wasn't the girl who is superficially beautiful at school of course, I didn't waste my time with dating a teenager, just now with time my appearance gave a considerable UP) and it took me a long time to realize I was attracted to women, and assuming that was incredible because it made me stay more feminine and taking care of my appearance, it was like: accepting it made me connect more with my feminine side ... and I just assumed it on my saturn return. When I went to Ireland to study, when I came back I had this urge to take a side that I felt comfortable expressing myself and remain comfortable with my femininity.
I was a girl who didn't give any kind of problem to my mother, on the contrary, my mother always received great feedbacks about me from my teachers.
But my mother never praised me for any of this ... she was never concern about me or looked my development ... and she says that give compliments, means spoils the children.
But it is only now that she is retired, that she is trying to be the mother that she has never been, for example, to be more present, but she herself recognizes that it is a little late, because today she wants to treat me like a child. (it bothers me a little, because I am her only child, so this exaggerated attention is at different times, which becomes inappropriate).
But I never got tired, trying to be a better and better person inside of me in every way possible. But this behavior of mine extended to my relationships, desperately looking for love, which I know I need to recognize and be confident from within myself and not from the outside. I have been recognizing for some time that I need changes and I will do it on my time, although my intellectual side dominates all this knowledge, the practical side takes a little longer to take shape in the external world ... my language of love is first by "Words of love", followed by "Acts of service" and "Quality time" (by the way I recently read the book "5 love language by Gary Chapman", it was a very interesting book too.)
And YEESSS I have little confidence in my instincts ... and this is strange because as I told you about the relationship with my ex, I had seen the red flags, but I have something inside that is afraid of making a people bad judgment and not giving time and chance for the person to prove to me who they are ... it's as if that was unfair on my part.
Sooo, like I said, I give people a "line" to show me who they really are. For example in this relationship with her, from the beginning I suggested to her that we could be a kind of "Friends with benefits" ... because for me that would be an intelligent decision, in which neither of us would feel trapped in the relationship, and both would have freedom, and if each one really wanted to be with each other, it would happen over time ... even more because I had already had experience with distance relationships, and I didn't want to go back to that experience again. But when I proposed this to her, she got mad and said she wasn't that modern. So I committed myself to her, but only to be disappointed from the start. Today I know that if I had listened to myself and stood firm in my position, I might not have had to face such a painful experience.
For you to observe I needed to have your opinion to have confidence in what I always suspected about her behavior.
I know that I need to work on this inner confidence and remain firm, without worrying about the needs of others.
I commented little about the syndrome that you have mentioned to me, because I have no knowledge about, I trust what you are said about this book, sooo I will read to understand and compare with my development and learn to do differently to have better results.
But that is backwards. You must first find out if someone loves you. Because if it's a ''one way street'' - and you really need to listen to this part - the person will ultimately RESENT you for being ''lady bountiful'' - and beyond that, you are saying that the way YOU love or you SHOW your love is by material methods. And then, YOU have the upper hand....and you can take away what you once GAVE! And the other person will resent this possibility even if you don't ever DO something like that.
You cannot indoctrinate someone into a ''system'' you create and then expect them to stop using that system.... can you ''get'' that?
If you get that book and read it you will see from the beginning that the most vulnerable time in a relationship and the most important time IS the very beginning of it. And everything you do in the beginning will be a template for the future of that relationship!
On the issue of attracting people from a different background, I may have inherited this characteristic ... My father married a woman who was a domestic servant and had no education.
I say that, because she was different from my mother, my mother was always independent, my mother graduated from university and always worked outside the home, and my stepmother didn't, she was always a homemaker.
Well my parents, both are: Patriarch (my father) and Matriarch (my mother) .... What I mean is that both have the iron hand and power inside their house. I say that, because I may have inherited their behavior.
I don't know, I am watching this now, maybe it is insecure !? A need to express power ?!
Maybe make the person dependent on me for everything ?! (I see this dynamic work with my parents).
This last question conflicts with what I believe ... because ideally I would like a partner who would grow up with me, each with their occupation at work and both working together towards our future. I don't know if I would like to have someone dependent on me ... but somehow I like to be needed. (unconsciously!?)
I think I will need time to unravel this issue better. If you have any comments that may be useful to me, please feel free to do so, ok !?
This is not astrological....but it IS mythology. IF you can get a copy of the series, "The Power of Myth" .....I think you will learn a lot about yourself - it was originally created in 1986 I believe and was shown on American Public Television. It became the most requested series ever ---and there is a reason. It is unique.
Look it up....and follow the prompts. It was a six hour illustrated (amazingly) conversation between Joseph Campbell, who studied and taught mythology and comparative religion for decades.....and Bill Moyers, one of the most respected and open minded journalists America ever produced. He is an interesting person too...but Joseph Campbell wrote many many books about Mythology and this program is only a tiny but very deep look into this subject....which could have easily have gone on for many many more hours.
there are many films which I believe a ''mythologically correct" but this is the one masterpiece I would like to pass on to you.
As for your ''friend requests:" DON'T ACCEPT ANY new friends for a few months - if you don't actually know who they are. Leave NO door open. If you do less than to go ALL THE WAY with this you leave yourself open to backsliding and self contempt when it all goes sideways....
If you want to "thank" me, please go to the World Wildlife Fund site or Environmental Defense Fund or Ocean Conservancy and write some checks. We must do all we can to save our planet.
Peace,
LIN
WOW, what an invaluable indication, I love mythology, I will definitely enjoy this series !!
I will look to watch, hopefully, that I am lucky to find this treasure.
No, I don’t accept any person I don’t know on my social media, I don’t want to and I’m not going to give her this breach, because I’m intuitively learning to see her steps ahead because of all the cycles we go through, for sure she will ask me to come back, I know she wants to know if I am with someone, but she has no guts to approach me directly... because she has a tremendous fear of rejection ... (I find this fear so disconcerting in behavior, because if we think rationally, if you are afraid of rejection you should consciously avoid your toxic behavior that you maintain, right ?! because maintaining that behavior will only make people reject you.)
However, in my professional social media, I have no way of keeping it private, unfortunately, and there I always see her obsession with knowing my things.
I am naturally a discreet person, I do not like to expose my intimate and personal life so I know that she is brooding over how she can outline her plan to approach me.
Great, I will do this, and I am wondering if you have aquarius on your chart, because this concern with the world is super humanitarian !! My eyes shine in knowing that !! Thank you for providing me with this tip of gratification. I really enjoy our conversation here. =]