Hello. Kinda long, TW warning: mentions self harm attempt, depression, post partum depression, multiple personality(dissociative amnesia). I have had a whole lot of personal issues my whole life, drugs. I am currently 23. Giving some context… I have always wanted to fit in with my peers in high school led me to h*rt myself because I made a fool of myself. Then, dropped out I was in 11th grade when I dropped out I fell into the wrong crowd and dabbled in drugs because I was young and wanted to be cool. I have always had depression, anxiety, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, multiple personality (d/a) and I have always tried to find myself. Well, I am 23 no job, no driver’s license, no diploma/GED, no major achievements. My pregnancy was unexpected and I found out around 6 1/2 months. I have been in a relationship for the last 4 years (we have been amazing until after we had our kid) my labor/delivery of my son was SUPER traumatic, in labor for 38+ hours & I was pushing for 7+ hours which landed me to have an emergency C-section because we both could have died. My son is healthy, happy, intelligent and capable. I have severe postpartum depression and anxiety. I didn’t get to bond with my son in the hospital and honestly, the first 2/3 months wasn’t really us bonding because I was not coherent after my surgery and my hormones were EVERYWHERE (still are) and because I keep doubting my capabilities to handle the responsibilities of raising my son. After we left the hospital my boyfriend wanted to go to our apartment but I wanted to stay at my parents so we all did. Which, I couldn’t function for days after we reached my parents with my son. They took full responsibility nurturing me, my son and my boyfriend. Fast forward, I have a sort of an agreement with my parents they help me raise my son (by taking him to their house for a few days and then we take him home). Which is UNHEALTHY for my son and me, he is 8 months and I can admit that I have been there for at least 55% of his life. I am still trying to figure myself out. Broad questions, Why am I the way I am? Will I ever be a good mom? What steps should I take? Why am I not driven enough? How can I not be so ‘lazy’ when it comes to LIVING? (You don’t have to answer these ALL but please interpret what you can!)
Adding: My parents were stern & overprotective of me growing up. They did discipline me, a whole lot of butt-whoopings because I was "defiant" in reality I wanted praise, love & attention. I have a lot of other childhood traumas. but, I have no recollection/memory of my life from the time I gained the ability to remember actions, events, emotions etcetc. so maybe around the age of 1-18 I have no memory. significant memories are there but a lot of them are being suppressed? Along with long-term memory loss, I also have short term memory loss. I cant remember my days. I feel like my planets, placements, aspects, houses, transitions, etcetc play a huge part in my life and hold the key to figuring myself out.
https://imgur.com/a/IVp8F25
Adding: My parents were stern & overprotective of me growing up. They did discipline me, a whole lot of butt-whoopings because I was "defiant" in reality I wanted praise, love & attention. I have a lot of other childhood traumas. but, I have no recollection/memory of my life from the time I gained the ability to remember actions, events, emotions etcetc. so maybe around the age of 1-18 I have no memory. significant memories are there but a lot of them are being suppressed? Along with long-term memory loss, I also have short term memory loss. I cant remember my days. I feel like my planets, placements, aspects, houses, transitions, etcetc play a huge part in my life and hold the key to figuring myself out.
https://imgur.com/a/IVp8F25
Last edited by a moderator: