Flapjacks
Well-known member
I've analyzed my chart quite a bit, but I don't think I've had the faculties lately to look at anything objectively (not quite the right word, but, sensibly?), so I'd like to request a chart reading.
There seems to be a mismatch between what I would like my life to be, what I believe I should want my life to be, and what my life actually is. The divergence is like three ropes pulling in different directions. Sun/Moon opposition square Pluto is a pretty obvious culprit, perhaps, but the older I get the more untenable it becomes. Pluto is going to tootle over my Moon pretty soon, and I'm sure that's going to be... interesting.
What is this mismatch doing in my life? Can it ever be fixed? It seems like it would be so much simpler if it were only two ropes instead of three, just apply more force on one over the other and then I won't be paralyzed in the middle... but three ropes...
Everything in my life right now is strange. I left my job (rather career) six months ago, went into business with my mother, and now my mother is moving in with my partner and I to work out of our home (at least I can sound almost like my life makes sense when I tell people this). My partner is financially supporting me completely, which has never happened in the 8 years we've been together.
I got a call from an old client asking if I'd come work for them. It's sent me into a lurch. I went into business with my mother because I can trust her and maybe do something good for her. I can't trust anyone else and I feel like I'm no longer equipped to protect myself; I feel ashamed, weak, and helpless about that.
And it's not like I actually want any of this anyway. I want none of it. It's just about survival, providing some kind of value to others, pretending I'm worth something. If I were to have my own way, I'd travel and write, but there will always be someone to care for... so here I am, spinning wheels on the internet like an idiot.
At one point, I wanted children, and then that died when I turned 30 and my closest cousin had a daughter. I'd built up some fantasy over my entire life that my cousin's children and mine would grow up together like we did. When he had a daughter, and I was still no where near a position for children, something flipped and I realized I'd never have a child; that I was foolish to think that would be a possibility. I've decided to love his daughter instead, and the children of my siblings and close friends. I'll be that lady. That is what I should be. Whether I've been any good at loving them, or want to be childless, are two other things.
I got that phone call about a job and it revealed how afraid I've become of everyone. Afraid of betrayal, afraid of loss, afraid of persecution. It would be so much easier if I didn't care about principles or feel like anything I touch is my sole responsibility until I crack under the pressure.
I don't know how to resolve any of this. I don't know which direction to go. I've been on a treadmill, looking out, wondering why the horizon never changes. I'd just like someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong. When I try to talk about these things with people I know, they are supportive and tell me I've always been doing the right thing, that I work hard and should be proud, I'm just in a bind, and so on, but that doesn't matter when I'm just becoming more and more emotionally and psychologically crippled with every second-guessing decision I make.
Maybe I'll take this job, make it work. Maybe I'll say no. It would mean saying no to money, prestige, a life outside this cocoon I've been building since I left those people behind. I know what's on the other side... I don't want it, but I should. I'm not tired, anymore. Until I received that call, I hadn't realized that I'd become so afraid.
So, any help from an astrological standpoint is appreciated...
There seems to be a mismatch between what I would like my life to be, what I believe I should want my life to be, and what my life actually is. The divergence is like three ropes pulling in different directions. Sun/Moon opposition square Pluto is a pretty obvious culprit, perhaps, but the older I get the more untenable it becomes. Pluto is going to tootle over my Moon pretty soon, and I'm sure that's going to be... interesting.
What is this mismatch doing in my life? Can it ever be fixed? It seems like it would be so much simpler if it were only two ropes instead of three, just apply more force on one over the other and then I won't be paralyzed in the middle... but three ropes...
Everything in my life right now is strange. I left my job (rather career) six months ago, went into business with my mother, and now my mother is moving in with my partner and I to work out of our home (at least I can sound almost like my life makes sense when I tell people this). My partner is financially supporting me completely, which has never happened in the 8 years we've been together.
I got a call from an old client asking if I'd come work for them. It's sent me into a lurch. I went into business with my mother because I can trust her and maybe do something good for her. I can't trust anyone else and I feel like I'm no longer equipped to protect myself; I feel ashamed, weak, and helpless about that.
And it's not like I actually want any of this anyway. I want none of it. It's just about survival, providing some kind of value to others, pretending I'm worth something. If I were to have my own way, I'd travel and write, but there will always be someone to care for... so here I am, spinning wheels on the internet like an idiot.
At one point, I wanted children, and then that died when I turned 30 and my closest cousin had a daughter. I'd built up some fantasy over my entire life that my cousin's children and mine would grow up together like we did. When he had a daughter, and I was still no where near a position for children, something flipped and I realized I'd never have a child; that I was foolish to think that would be a possibility. I've decided to love his daughter instead, and the children of my siblings and close friends. I'll be that lady. That is what I should be. Whether I've been any good at loving them, or want to be childless, are two other things.
I got that phone call about a job and it revealed how afraid I've become of everyone. Afraid of betrayal, afraid of loss, afraid of persecution. It would be so much easier if I didn't care about principles or feel like anything I touch is my sole responsibility until I crack under the pressure.
I don't know how to resolve any of this. I don't know which direction to go. I've been on a treadmill, looking out, wondering why the horizon never changes. I'd just like someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong. When I try to talk about these things with people I know, they are supportive and tell me I've always been doing the right thing, that I work hard and should be proud, I'm just in a bind, and so on, but that doesn't matter when I'm just becoming more and more emotionally and psychologically crippled with every second-guessing decision I make.
Maybe I'll take this job, make it work. Maybe I'll say no. It would mean saying no to money, prestige, a life outside this cocoon I've been building since I left those people behind. I know what's on the other side... I don't want it, but I should. I'm not tired, anymore. Until I received that call, I hadn't realized that I'd become so afraid.
So, any help from an astrological standpoint is appreciated...
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