In need of some light in the darkness

I'm very much aware of how to use power and magick. I understand it. I know I could be very powerful if I wanted to be. There are things my higher self will guide me to as I explore my consciousness more and more, but I'm wary of pursuing magick because I know I could easily abuse it like a drug. However, I am gonna pursue it. I know I've already used it lightly, but I mean pursuing it more ardently. I'm very attuned to the unseen realm, so I don't think it'd be hard for me at all
I've been getting into working with energy, but that's because I have to. It's something I've all but been forced to do, but I'm glad I was. Just the way most people meditate for peace, I think meditative techniques along with visualization have far greater potential. I think they can be used to tap into chaos or into any energy you need or want and I think I've been called to do that as part of my journey, like a tool


I fell off the wagon in terms of meditation, prayer, sigils, visualization practices, but I'm gonna get back on


The more I move forward, the more I find myself shamelessly myself

And oddly enough, I find that more people are drawn to me when I'm shamelessly myself even when what I'm saying is so offkilter and hard to swallow. I've shared with MoonKitty I even wonder if I'm subconsciously using magick as I feel like there is something magnetic and I don't know what it is or why. At the weakest end of it, people will simply find me mysterious or enigmatic which of course draws people in. But then sometimes I find people putting me on a pedestal for reasons I just don't feel are justifiable. I'll take it, but I don't understand why it's happening. It could just be projection
But I can feel that my words have a certain affect on people. I recognize this. I don't take it lightly. It's not something to be played with. It's just something magnetic. I can even feel it, but I don't do it on purpose


These are just observations. It may sound egotistical but it's just the truth I've observed. It makes me rather hesitant sometimes as someone who wants to be a writer one day. I have to be careful with what I say

Lykanized said:

And oddly enough, I find that more people are drawn to me when I'm shamelessly myself even when what I'm saying is so offkilter and hard to swallow. I've shared with MoonKitty I even wonder if I'm subconsciously using magick as I feel like there is something magnetic and I don't know what it is or why. At the weakest end of it, people will simply find me mysterious or enigmatic which of course draws people in. But then sometimes I find people putting me on a pedestal for reasons I just don't feel are justifiable. I'll take it, but I don't understand why it's happening. It could just be projection
But I can feel that my words have a certain affect on people. I recognize this. I don't take it lightly. It's not something to be played with. It's just something magnetic. I can even feel it, but I don't do it on purpose


These are just observations. It may sound egotistical but it's just the truth I've observed. It makes me rather hesitant sometimes as someone who wants to be a writer one day. I have to be careful with what I say

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I'm fully aware there's something magnetic about my words
I'm gonna be pursuing spoken word poetry and that power is realllllly gonna be coming out there. I will MAKE people feel my words. But in a good way


I'm not good at doing social things YET, but I will get there. I swear I will. I know I will. I want to keep doing open mics until I'm comfortable enough to get up there and just be able to surrender to the words and embody them


I can feel I'm being called to this and I'm extremely inspired


I'm a very experimental person by nature and with spoken word, there's a whole new added set of tools to use including the entirety of your being. Spoken word is such a powerful art. I'm in love


Anyway. I haven't been shy about expressing the fact I've been going through some **** and like I said, I regressed so heavily. I know it happened for a reason. But I feel sacred inspiration with me, I'm so inspired

I used to see this site as a place where I could fit, but I don't feel it anymore. Perhaps there is no place I really do fit

In need of some weenies in the gaping holiness

AppLeo said:

In need of weenies in the gaping holiness

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No thank you

Well that was disgusting

You don’t like lights?

Most of the time, no. I prefer darkness. Helps me think better, more clearly, amps up my creativity too

Lykanized said:

Most of the time, no. I prefer darkness. Helps me think better, more clearly, amps up my creativity too

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Being deaf probably helps you think better too cuz you can hear your own thoughts

Possibly, but deaf people sometimes have their lack of hearing compensated for by their brains by making their eyes sharper so then the visual stimulation they take it might be even more intense. Other physical senses most likely too. Since our thoughts aren't usually audible in a physical sense, that could still lead to noise influx distracting them from being able to 'hear' themselves

We have the astral realm and astral walkers, ones who can travel there or have developed the gift. But I think there are many, many ways to interact with the realm and even to travel it without actually being there

Although I'm still exploring this and I find words are failing me at the moment since I don't fully understand it all, it dawned on me the reason symbolism is so important to me is that it's almost like the 'coding' of the astral realm. It's a way we can feel it in the physical realm. Art, since it potentially deals more with symbolism than anything else in the world, has the potential to etch itself into the astral realm

Our bodies are also very powerful channelers. We can channel all of our soul and being through our body and use it to express the wordless, what exists but you can't see, and to even interact with it. In the astral plane we may see a siphonic being eating away at us, but in the real world we may only feel it if we pay attention, but we can cast it away all the same

Movement, belief, energy, feeling, intention
just feel it lock into place and you're touching on something that isn't entirely physical. If it can touch you, you can touch it

A lot of lessons I've been learning are about energy whether it be harnessing the raw energy within me and using it as a creative force, or learning how to deal with energy outside of me(which often does rain down within me). I've had two dreams in which I was practicing two different things involving energy. The last one was just about a week ago

The more I explore, the more I realize just how powerful our bodies are as more than just physical figures

Lykanized said:

I used to see this site as a place where I could fit, but I don't feel it anymore. Perhaps there is no place I really do fit

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Death and darkness generally doesn't fit anywhere, even among itself. Perhaps it is time for a new life approach.

Cold Fusion said:

Death and darkness generally doesn't fit anywhere, even among itself. Perhaps it is time for a new life approach.

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I think they do. For me they're vital but I know they're not for everyone

It's moreso where I fit. Conceptually, I fit with both life and death, light and darkness, but I don't know where I fit in the world. Altho I always say if you don't fit somewhere, you're to make your own place

I think everyone has their own approach, but I approach things by oppositions. My only way to understand light has been through darkness. My only way to understand life has been through death

So much of what I'm suppose to learn or remember is about energy, but what does energy do? Well, it just is and its nature may be to destroy, but.... Once we harness it, we can create. It's through feeling lack the abundance was born. Built up and exploded as I once denied it its place. Then it overtook me and threatened my life, now it's time to learn how to use it

But where is my place? These things have a place in me. I can only think I have to create my place

I've discovered anxiety is actually advantageous, evolutionarily and emotionally. It's basically just energy ready to be used, the body primed for action, whatever that action might be

If I just let myself feel my anxiety rather than try to suppress it, let it take me and do what it desires with me, very quickly I come into a rush of creativity. WOrds just pour from me and I don't even know where they're coming from

I've also surprised myself with my ability to think on my feet, reach through the mess and take action in a heated moment, and ******** on the spot. I think these are possibly latent abilities in anyone who's anxiety prone

Anxiety can spur change, transformation, creation
It can also be debilitating so this is something I have to continue to explore


I've just gotten to a place in my life where I'm very passionate about letting myself feel my emotions, even my destructive ones, and letting them become creative forces. I can let myself feel suicidal without actually following through with what I desire in that moment to do

I created a blog last December and I've been pushing through my issues with selfcriticism and letting anxiety stop me from being productive. However, I have so few posts on there

Right now I find myself avoiding it again. It's gonna be a process getting through the demons that have hindered my ability to use my creativity and share my words so I accept that. For now, it's waxing and waning, but eventually it'll be only waxing

I made a pact with myself that if I'm not living by my fire by next year February, I'm not gonna live at all and I don't intend to follow the latter option. It's do or die time. There's only one option for me

I know I was never meant to have an ordinary life with an ordinary job or starting a business or something, and I've never desired it, but claiming such a thing in a world like this one is a rough road. I'm getting there

The spirits I speak to have been pulling me in this direction, guiding me there

I have found something unexpected with my blog tho, even with so few posts so far... The most popular posts are ones in which I've gone on what I call 'poetic ramblings'. They're not poetry, but are filled with symbolism and poetic elements. They're very much akin to automatic writing, but they hardly make any easy sense. They're basically what I write when I'm drafting for a poem

Somehow, people really like them. Maybe I should embrace my poetic style
Perhaps why people connect with it is because it is directly from my most core and primal self

Idk how to make that smaller, but whatever
I found that in an old journal. I remember I was just playing with some fineliner pens and was especially drawn to eyes in the moment. I didn't intend it, but it looks like the eyes of horus/pineal gland which is a really cool coincidence

Anyway, I'm not posting this because I'm a good artist. I'm not. I'm an atrocious artist, but I'm gonna go for an art minor anyway because I want to tap into visual arts as a creative outlet . I think I may have that latent within me