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  #1  
Unread 05-11-2019, 05:55 AM
VenusianGirl VenusianGirl is offline
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Thumbs down Is this a toxic friend for me?

Can someone please give some insight regarding the synastry chart for myself and my best friend? I'm the inner circle person and both of our birth times are accurate. We've been friends for 7 years. I'm the type of person who owns my mistakes, wants to always talk everything out, communicate, confront in a calm and healthy manner. She on the other hand is extremely non confrontational, dismissive, VERY passive aggressive, childish, capable of being petty, throwing tantrums or holding grudges.

You might be thinking "so why are you friends with her?!" and I've asked myself the same many times. What has kept me in this friendship is that she was the only person who supported me through several years of health problems, so it was a combination of choosing to overlook everything else by focusing on how much I genuinely appreciate this, combined with feeling like maybe I owe it to her to stick through. I also feel a sense of guilt ending the friendship because of some hardships happening in her life. But it has always felt like an unhealthy, walking on eggshells, surface level, 2 different people, not very deep friendship from my perspective. Basically to me this a friendship bound by the support of hard times, however not at all what I would define a true meaningful healthy friendship as in any other regard/area. I don't want to place myself above her nor anyone, so the way I'd phrase it as that I think we're just in different phases/levels in all ways - emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

I'm look for guidance if this is worth hanging onto, or if I'm truly the only one making an effort and also getting abused in the process. How does she feel towards me, what are the energies between us? I've also always been a bit hesitant to fully trust her for some inexplicable intuitive reason.

Sorry for the lengthy message. All replies greatly appreciated!

Synastry:

https://imgur.com/a/hYcpoHW

My natal:

https://imgur.com/a/jVkb7VQ

Her natal:

https://imgur.com/a/RimrnMp

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  #2  
Unread 05-11-2019, 08:01 AM
ElenaJ ElenaJ is offline
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Re: Is this a toxic friend for me?

You each have a moon/pluto square, and they overlap because you have similar birth dates. While on the one hand it gives you both a subconscious understanding of the other, at the same time it introduces power and control issues into the relationship that can cause a lot of resentment and friction.
In your case, your natal Venus gets involved in this creating a t-square, so your emotions and friendly feelings towards her are in play.
This is a very powerful draw, it's probably why you have remained friends, you are each working out interior problems thorough the contact.
Why now are you thinking you have to make a decision to continue or break off? Can you just let up a little when you feel the tension mount, and return later?
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  #3  
Unread 05-11-2019, 08:25 AM
VenusianGirl VenusianGirl is offline
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Re: Is this a toxic friend for me?

Thank you!

The reason I have constantly debated with the idea of ending the friendship is because it has never really felt like a friendship, or at least what I believe a true friendship should be. We have nothing in common, we are at totally different levels of growth in our lives, I really don't mean for this to sound arrogant, but I've always felt way more mature and in general gravitate towards older people platonically & romantically. We never get deep. Whenever problems arise, I either brush them off to not ruffle her feathers if they're minor or if they're large issues, my attempt to have an open adult conversation gets shut down with rude tantrums. As mentioned, there's no healthy communication during or after those moments, she dismisses, gets bitchy and passive aggressive and just ignores. We actually lost touch several years ago due to her canceling plans on me an hour before (a very common theme with her) and when I calmly expressed that I understand her reasoning for it, but want her to understand my position of frustration, she cussed me out and ignored me for a year. To me that was bizarre and I moved on, but then she reached out to apologize. I decided to give it another shot. Recently another more serious situation happened and so I'm at a cross roads.

I can see that she has LOTS of unresolved issues, but she's very in denial about it all. I just feel like I've outgrown her/the friendship ... although truthfully I don't think we've ever evolved in unison/parallel.
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  #4  
Unread 05-11-2019, 08:44 AM
ElenaJ ElenaJ is offline
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Re: Is this a toxic friend for me?

Pluto/moon can do that.
Remember, it pushes you to try to change her, the same way she will try to change you, and each of will resent it. Not an easy exchange to handle, you'll just have to evaluate if you receive enough to make it worth while.
Keep in mind, it can be learning for you, as well as for her. You both have sagittarius 11th houses, so friendship needs to be free and open for you, but her 11th cusp has Pluto sitting there, so these control issues for her become activated in the friendship.
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  #5  
Unread 05-11-2019, 08:55 AM
VenusianGirl VenusianGirl is offline
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Re: Is this a toxic friend for me?

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Originally Posted by ElenaJ View Post
Pluto/moon can do that.
Remember, it pushes you to try to change her, the same way she will try to change you, and each of will resent it. Not an easy exchange to handle, you'll just have to evaluate if you receive enough to make it worth while.
Keep in mind, it can be learning for you, as well as for her. You both have sagittarius 11th houses, so friendship needs to be free and open for you, but her 11th cusp has Pluto sitting there, so these control issues for her become activated in the friendship.
I've also noticed all friendships I've had with a venus pluto opposition, me being the venus, have never been healthy for me.

I have always tried to be extremely aware of how I treat her and the role I play - to ensure I'm never talking down or making her feel less than when I'm sharing knowledge on various topis or giving advice. Always try to just accept her the way she is as well, to avoid the nasty control. To support in every way I can. It just seems like I'm the only one putting in all the awareness and effort. Also feels like I'm restraining who I truly am to cater to her moods.
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  #6  
Unread 05-11-2019, 09:38 AM
ElenaJ ElenaJ is offline
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Re: Is this a toxic friend for me?

Not everyone matures at the same pace.
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  #7  
Unread 05-11-2019, 11:55 PM
VenusianGirl VenusianGirl is offline
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Re: Is this a toxic friend for me?

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Originally Posted by ElenaJ View Post
Not everyone matures at the same pace.
For sure, agreed!
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  #8  
Unread 05-12-2019, 05:08 AM
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StillOne StillOne is offline
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Re: Is this a toxic friend for me?

Karmic relationship for sure. There's a lot to be learned here but, yes, eventually you should probably consider moving along.

Your Moon squares her Sun and Pluto
Your Mars squares her Mercury
Your Mercury squares her Uranus and Neptune
Her Venus squares your Saturn

Those are all really challenging aspects to share.

I've had a similar friendship prior and we don't talk much these days but we're still on friendly terms which is nice.
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  #9  
Unread 05-12-2019, 05:09 AM
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StillOne StillOne is offline
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Re: Is this a toxic friend for me?

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Originally Posted by VenusianGirl View Post
I've also noticed all friendships I've had with a venus pluto opposition, me being the venus, have never been healthy for me.
This is probably why you enjoy friendships with people that are older. Most likely your Venus wouldn't oppose Pluto with them, I'm thinking. It's hard to say since there's no aspect table or degrees listed...

Last edited by StillOne; 05-12-2019 at 05:12 AM.
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  #10  
Unread 05-12-2019, 05:18 AM
VenusianGirl VenusianGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StillOne View Post
Karmic relationship for sure. There's a lot to be learned here but, yes, eventually you should probably consider moving along.

Your Moon squares her Sun and Pluto
Your Mars squares her Mercury
Your Mercury squares her Uranus and Neptune
Her Venus squares your Saturn

Those are all really challenging aspects to share.

I've had a similar friendship prior and we don't talk much these days but we're still on friendly terms which is nice.
Yes it seems quite heavy and although I believe itís possible to work through all the negatives and as a result have a very profound friendship - that requires 2 people to work, contribute, make an effort and be at a fairly similar level maturity wise. In our case itís unfortunately only me doing the above, and so I canít see this being healthy.

Like you, Iíd probably be friendly in the sense I will always wish her well and love her, but I think at a distance is best.
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  #11  
Unread 05-12-2019, 05:21 AM
VenusianGirl VenusianGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StillOne View Post
This is probably why you enjoy friendships with people that are older. Most likely your Venus wouldn't oppose Pluto with them, I'm thinking. It's hard to say since there's no aspect table or degrees listed...
I agree! I donít run into this aspect with an older crowd. And somehow the degrees table got cut off accidentally sorry about that!

Anything else you can perhaps comment on regarding her natal chart? Or just comparing both our natals to get a sense for if weíre really different people?
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  #12  
Unread 05-12-2019, 08:29 AM
katydid katydid is online now
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Re: Is this a toxic friend for me?

One way you can look at it----she may evolve her and progress faster if you are not around her very much.

I think your many square4s makes it easy for her to blame you for her problems.

Your Mars square her Mercury makes it easy for her to say that you 'made her' do a certain thing or feel a certain way, because she does not have an evolved self awareness yet. She lashes out because she is not self aware and needs a scapegoat.



And your synastry together makes you the perfect scapegoat.
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Unread 05-12-2019, 06:25 PM
VenusianGirl VenusianGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katydid View Post
One way you can look at it----she may evolve her and progress faster if you are not around her very much.

I think your many square4s makes it easy for her to blame you for her problems.

Your Mars square her Mercury makes it easy for her to say that you 'made her' do a certain thing or feel a certain way, because she does not have an evolved self awareness yet. She lashes out because she is not self aware and needs a scapegoat.



And your synastry together makes you the perfect scapegoat.
Yes I feel this! She definitely doesnít have an evolved self awareness, so unfortunately everything always gets skewed. Or her way of controlling a situation is just ignoring me, which I think is the most childish and unproductive thing one can do after an argument.
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  #14  
Unread 05-14-2019, 02:59 PM
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StillOne StillOne is offline
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Re: Is this a toxic friend for me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VenusianGirl View Post

Anything else you can perhaps comment on regarding her natal chart? Or just comparing both our natals to get a sense for if weíre really different people?
Well it's interesting aspect-wise, that you share some similarities. That's why I think that you two have a lot to learn from each other. Of course you're both very different, we all are. But, there's a reason that you two have been friends for 7 years now.

You both have Moon Square Pluto and Moon Square Sun. She has the additional challenge of having Sun Conjunct Pluto. These can be very challenging aspects so possibly you see similarities in each other there?

Furthermore, you should really research your Mercury Square Neptune. Especially if your birth time is right and your Neptune is conjunct your Ascendant!

Best of luck!
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  #15  
Unread 05-14-2019, 03:48 PM
Sagittarius Jupiter Sagittarius Jupiter is offline
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Re: Is this a toxic friend for me?

no / yes, sometimes in some way yes.
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