A plea For helping me to develop myself

aquarianbd

Well-known member
My life in a nutshell:-

Born in a depressive environment, I became a victim of it quite early.Add to that, I am not straight.I am attracted to members of my own sex.My grandmother,who was a vital part of my childhood ,died when I was 11,and I faced great trauma.Later I was recognized with bipolar mood disorder and chronic depression. I first attempted suicide when I was 13.

There was a time when I somewhat went ashtray. I used to make dramatic stories about myself,I became a compulsive liar. But thanks to GOD, I didnot stay there for a long time. I did some sins which I cant disclose here-but then,I just tried to be a good person.

i AM NOT A GOOD PERSON EVEN NOW. i AM slightly manipulative,possessive and very stubborn and lazy. I am too much dependent on my family-especially my mom and dad. The thought that they might die before me makes me suicidal. And yes, I am not attempting suicide now only because my mom will be destitute if i do that.

Identifying that sex brings the worst in me,I have refrained myself from any sexual relationship/one night stand with anyone since 2004.

I want to be a good human being however short my presence is in this universe.. Is there really scope for me? I want guidance. Linda GOOdman mentioned-when the student is ready,the teacher will come. I know I am not yet ready, but what can I Do to make myself ready??

Thanks everyone.My chart is attached below.
 

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ardentika

Well-known member
I think I see an odd manifestation of that Mars square Moon in 11th. You tend to seek approval from your social surroundings which almost always leaves you disappointed. Consciously or subconsciously you want to dominate people in one-to-one relationships, and when that doesn't go your way, and Mars failing to dominate, it sends its temper tantrum to the Moon, hence your psyche. Pisces in general is a sign inclined towards depression, but its something that can be cultivated in the most positive way if worked on.
You feel happiest when you are surrounded by people but also somewhat that makes you feel uncomfortable. There is a huge conflict in your 11th house, Rahu is also there. It's a path thats uncomfortable, but necessary.

My advice is find another place/way to challenge that energy. You obviously love attention and drama, so use those two things in a healthy and constructive way.
I don't want to sound harsh, I've been there too but you have the syndrome of "I don't want to grow up, so I'd rather live in a made up fantasy world." which is very typical for Pisces.
Suicidal tendencies rarely disappeared with pills. They disappear with new perspective on life, and a fresh new begining that only you can start.
You obviously cry for help with all those "sucidial tendencies" , but what help you want, even you don't know, because you can't identify the problem. There is not a real problem actually, you are making up one. You said it yourself, you are manipulative, possesive, STUBBORN AND LAZY. Two qualities that lead to depression immediately.
You can't possibly expect miracle to happen and these traits to disappear. You fight with laziness when you just get up and do whatever you have to do.

You sound also incredibly selfish. It sounds that from your perspective is all about you. Have you ever asked yourself what your parents feel that they have to deal with a suicidal child? Do you think it's an easy life for them?
I'm telling you this, because I was the same when I was 21-22 however. I was a spoiled brat that was "too pure for this world" and I refused to grow up, everything was hurting me deeply, (I'm Pisces rising obviously) I was diagnosed with bipolar, ADHD, depression, and so on. And that was a period in my life that has been escalating for years. I didn't have the easiest childhood but also can't say it was the worst.
It took me awhile to realize I was a selfish little brat that was crying for attention in the worst possible way. "Poor me, life is so awful, I shall kill myself."
I was so selfish I never for once considered the hell I'm putting my parents and friends through.
So maybe start the change in your mind. Maybe stop seeing yourself as the victim, deflate your ego a bit. There are people in the world that suffer a lot more than you do. Stop focusing on what ***** in your life and start appreciating things, start being grateful on the things you have. There are kids suffering in war, mothers loosing their children, is your life that bad really?
Start acting, start doing, find a hobby, find a passion, work on it. Work on yourself, put on your warrior armor and go live your life, as short as it is. We aren't humans having a spiritual experience, we are souls having a human experience. So why not make the best of it eh?
 

aquarianbd

Well-known member
Thanks a lot for answering to my plea.

You are right about my syndrome and I know it. However, its not that I am trying-maybe I need to try more though. I have finished my graduation with great difficulty(also with great support from my mother, I agree) with blockades everywhere. I dont think I am that selfish. I am living for my parents.Thats why it becomes all meaningless when I think my parents will die before me. This is a trauma for me. See, I have no-one and I will Have no-one-not a lover,partner-nothing. No children . Its my parents only. Its ok now . They are happy with me as I am not creating any new problem. I have tried jobs, but a 9-6 work schedule makes me irritable and more depressed. My mother is depressive too, and I have to take care of her-mentally.I cannot respond to her needs when at a job.Business?I am afraid that I will waste my parents' money-I cant guarantee of success you see. I am lazy,but part of it also owes to my medicines.,which I am not allowed to stop!!!

See, I KNOW NO MIRACLE WILL HAPPEN. i cant want it aLL.I know millions of people are leading worse lives than me.....but there is a difference though. They want to live-they have the drive.My mother is depressive and unlucky-yet she is a fighter-she just needs me to back her up. I, on the other hand, just plainly lack the drive.Everything seems meaningless to me,except caring for others.ANd I have noone to care to except my parents.

Sorry for such a long answer.................................am I being stubborn again?I just thought while u understood my syndrome quite well,u misunderstood my soul a little.Forgive me if I am being stupid.
 

ardentika

Well-known member
From what I heard from your post is only "Yeah, but no. Nah, this won't work."
You definitely won't find a partner in this current mental state you are in. This is why you are depressive, you live for other people. You cling on to them for your happiness so much, that the thought they will be gone one day crushed you deeply. This is a hard lesson that you must learn. We are born alone, we die alone. We encounter kindred souls on our journey here, but yet we live for ourselves. You have to start taking care of yourself, so that you can take care of others.
You can't keep a job from 9 to 6 cos it makes you even more depressed, because you are lazy. (been there too) However, you are afraid to start your own business, so how do you plan to support yourself?
No one can guarantee sucess in this life, you try , you fail, you get up and try again.
You keep making excuses as to why you are lazy. You are not allowed to stop your medicine?
They have the drivebecause they have no choice. Because when there is a single mom who has to support her 3 kids, she can't say "Working from 9 to 6 makes me depressed, so can't do that."
Some people lack the choice to be lazy. You need to find a passion, and living for others is the worst possible, most unhealthy and toxic drive.

I didn't misunderstood your soul, I'm speaking as someone who comes from the EXACT same mental state and perspective. I just grew up. I accepted that life is tough, but it also has its good moments, and it's worth living for and fighting for.
I still fight my own lack of motivation, but I fight it. I don't find excuses anymore. Because I don't want to waste my precious only life in sobbing and whining, instead I want to better myself so that I can achieve everything I want. And yet I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going there, wherever that maybe.

There are two reasons for depression. One is you live in the past, the other is you live in the future. Yours is the second. You focus sooooo much on it, that you don't see a reason to live, because the future looks so gloomy. Guess what, you can't know the future. Instead of wasting so much time on it, try to bring your focus and consciosuness in the present. Be more present, in the moment. Not in tomorrow, not in 10 years, but NOW.

Find a passion, start working on it, just start doing something with yourlife. Of course you are depressed when you are being so unproductive. No one comes here, in this life, on this Earth, to just do nothing. We all have a soul purpose and clearly you either haven't found yours, or you don't want to accept it cos of fears of failure. That ultimately will produce depression and lack of motivation. Cos indeed you have nothing to live for if you have no purpose.
So find a purpose. Start there, then start working towards it.

I've said this a thousand times "oh my soul is so misunderstood, poor me, I'm loosing pieces of my soul, life is so meaningless." Well , yeah, life is meaningless, our lives are small and meaningless indeed. That doesn't mean we shouldn't live them. It means we should live them to the fullest, cos nothing else matters. We should find all possible ways to experience joy, and that requires stepping out of the comfort zone, and being present in the moment.
 

aquarianbd

Well-known member
Dear Ardentika,

Thanks a lot for your insight and guidance. You are a strict teacher, but a good teacher.

Yes, I will try again. I do have a passion-movies. But that cant support me- so maybe i will try my hand at writing or find another job. Traditional works bore me -thats another problem.

The truth is I have so many issues (extreme dependency, lack of motivation,stubbornness,laziness, depression and manic)its hard to address all at once. Add to that, i need continuous guidance and re-assurance from others which my parents are not always able to give. So my attempts before have stopped midways. But I will try again, thats what life is I suppose.

Do you think I can stop my medicines? They are making me less creative and more lethargic. But my manic phase dramatically increases when I stop them, so my parents are very much against stopping them.

Take care.May your good karma be always with you.
 
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aquarianbd

Well-known member
Dear Waybread,

Thanks for showing interest in me. Yes, I have been into counseling since 2005. But at this moment, I am not taking any psychotherapy. I visit my psychiatrist though,and take medicines which makes me more lethargic and less creative.

Thanks again.
 

kshantaram

Premium Member
reyrpm : in case helps further reflections and remedies,
enables self-discovery, share feedbacks :

taurus asc, creative, energetic, stubborn, love of food-comforts,
aptitude for hotel management, banking, dentistry;

moon-venus-rahu NNode pisces 11th, gains through foreigners,
selfless attitude, artistic aptitudes, acting skills, emotional, sensitive;

rise-fall in life, prayers for ancestors,
observe fast No-moon evenings taking milk-fruits, avoid meals;
observe death anniversaries in the family religiously-sincerely;
prone to toxic health issues lungs-kidneys-feet-ears etc etc
wear brown hessonite over pendant touching heart for rahu;


jup now transit scorpio trine pisces-venus 11th
for income-gains-friendships-relationship-marriage;


jup year end transits mars-sag 7th for marriage;
trine jup aries 12th for foreign lands, teaching-advisory aptitudes;
jup transit sat-mars sag employment prospects;


ketu separative SNode virgo 5th, hyper-critical thinking,
detachment from romance-children-position-luck-education;
good for audit-quality control-editorial role types;

pain-injury-surgery heart-stomach-intestinal;
offer red flowers at the alter at home wed evenings;

ketu now transit sun-mer acq 10th, career-job change;
pain-injury-surgery knees-legs-skin-heart-stomach-thighs;

ketu transit 9th tending to distant lands;
ketu transit sun, care for own and parents health and property;
offer red flowers wed evenings as mentioned earlier;

rahu transit leo 4th, tending to foreign lands;

sun-mer acq mystic-reformist, innovative thinking, airy, uncertain; mer lord 5th over 10th
good for intellectual career in writings, communications, teaching, maths-statistics, etc;

sun acq 9th, aptitude for management subjects/management reforms;


cap-sat 9th inimical-stressful for taurus asc,
luck-edu-father-travels under stress-delay; settling at 36+

9th lord sat negating to sag 8th, negating luck and negating support from father;
sat-mars sag, tech-mech-entrepreneurial-philosophical-insurance aptitudes;
sat 8th good for long life, but chronic health issues, urological-thighs etc

observe fast on sat evenings taking milk-fruits;

past 3 yrs sat transit sat-mars sag 8th square moon, under stress,
health issues;

sat now direct own cap 8th heading to cap 9th coming 2 yrs, gradual improvement in luck,
change, distant lands, under stress-delays though; success amidst adversity;
sat cap elevated aspect libra 6th, supportive of health-employment;

,

do promptly ack, share salient pointwise feedbacks, how relevant-helpful, true-false,
traits-talents-health-events-prospects etc etc and remedies,


wishing well, kshantaram
 
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aquarianbd

Well-known member
Thank you so much for answering. I am really obliged.


I am sharing my feedback.....


taurus asc, creative, energetic, stubborn, love of food-comforts,
aptitude for hotel management, banking, dentistry


I am creative, stubborn, food and comfort lover. Not very energetic. bad at mathematics and skill of hand-so never was interested in banking and dentistry.

moon-venus-rahu NNode pisces 11th, gains through foreigners,
selfless attitude, artistic aptitudes, acting skills, emotional, sensitive;


i do believe i am selfless.yes i was very much interested in acting,I am emotional and sensitive.I have friends living in foreign lands but they havent remarkably helped yet. However I believe-they will, if it is necessary.


rise-fall in life, prayers for ancestors, observe fast No-moon evenings,
observe death anniversaries in the family religiously-sincerely;
prone to toxic health issues lungs-kidneys-feet-ears etc etc
wear brown hessonite over pendant touching heart for rahu;


thanks for the suggestions. Shall i fast only in no-moon evenings? without water?



jup now transit scorpio trine pisces-venus 11th
for income-gains-friendships-relationship-marriage;

jup year end transits mars-sag 7th for marriage;
trine jup aries 12th for foreign lands, teaching-advisory aptitudes;
jup transit sat-mars sag employment prospects;


thats great news. I am actually preparing for competitive govt job. It would be seemingly great if i would get selected. Teaching was an option, but I am only graduate-so it might not be probable. if i get selected as a diplomat(maybe thats hoping too much) i may visit foreign lands.i have no wish to marry,lol.



ketu separative SNode virgo 5th, hyper-critical thinking,
detachment from romance-children-position-luck-education;
good for audit-quality control-editorial role types




its getting more and more accurate. yes i think critically and am detached from romance for a long time. i also had disruptions in education and stopped my education after graduation.audit is my second option for govt job, so yesssssss..........

pain-injury-surgery heart-stomach-intestinal;
offer red flowers at the alter at home wed evenings;

ketu now transit sun-mer acq 10th, career-job change;
pain-injury-surgery knees-legs-skin-heart-stomach-thighs;

ketu transit 9th tending to distant lands;
ketu transit sun, care for own and parents health and property;

I recently had dental surgery.job change as in govt job prospects-wow...yes my ankle was injured beginning of this year.

will parents' serious health problems occur ??i am really devoted to them and just want them in my life-well and healthy.what can be done to avoid this??


rahu transit leo 4th, tending to foreign lands;

sun-mer acq mystic-reformist, innovative thinking, airy, uncertain; mer lord 5th over 10th
good for intellectual career in writings, communications, teaching, maths-statistics, etc;

sun acq 9th, aptitude for management subjects/management reforms;


umm-i dont want to go to foreign lands alone, but lets hope my family would go with me.yes, i am attracted to the mystic-even want to learn astrology. i like to write and was given a proposal of script writing. but thinking of preparing for the govt job first.was good at maths in childhood, but now horrible.


cap-sat 9th inimical-stressful for taurus asc,
luck-edu-father-travels under stress-delay; settling at 36+


didnt understand this part.yes father and education has been unlucky to me.i would settle after age 36?

9th lord sat negating to sag 8th, negating luck and support from father;
sat-mars sag, tech-mech-entrepreneurial-philosophical-insurance aptitudes;
sat 8th good for long life, but chronic health issues, urological-thighs etc


well,its my mom who supports me immensely.yes, i am interested in philosophical knowledge but not in technological ones.long life???thats sad.i am suicidal and want a short and sweet life.

observe fast on sat evenings taking milk-fruits;

past 3 yrs sat transit sat-mars sag 8th square moon, under stress,
health issues;

sat now direct own cap 8th heading to cap 9th coming 2 yrs, gradual improvement in luck,
change, distant lands, under stress-delays though; success amidst adversity;
sat cap elevated aspect libra 6th, supportive of health-employment;


alls well that ends well. i feel happy.

i am immensely thankful for ur care, time and effort. thanks a million.
 
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