Saturn Opposes Sun but perhaps deeper abuse shown in chart (Orcus)?

I am currently going through a major period of upheaval. I have not yet hit my Saturn return but it FEELS LIKE IT and so I wondered if there were other thinks in my chart that hint at a transitional period?

Lately I have been remembering things about my past that have come to me regarding neglect and abuse at the hands of my parents. I have always managed to lead a fairly 'normal' life through plenty of mental illness but have only ever kept myself just abreast.

Every single time it gets to Leo season, my mental health plummets in such a bodily way. I have just looked into Orcus and found that Orcus sits in Leo in my chart, directly on the IC axis... which I found out two days into Leo season after my yearly plummet and yearly struggle with abuse (it always seems to come around the same time and bring up so much past trauma)

I am fairly new to astrology and don't quite know my way around aspects and degrees. I have been on my learning journey for a while but feel something is pointing me towards seeking answers ASAP.

My intuition has been very very incisive these past few months and I really feel like I must be going through some sort of transit that I'm not seeing... Can anyone help?! Chart below:

Aurora, you wrote:

''I am currently going through a major period of upheaval. I have not yet hit my Saturn return but it FEELS LIKE IT and so I wondered if there were other thinks in my chart that hint at a transitional period?

Lately I have been remembering things about my past that have come to me regarding neglect and abuse at the hands of my parents. I have always managed to lead a fairly 'normal' life through plenty of mental illness but have only ever kept myself just abreast.

Every single time it gets to Leo season, my mental health plummets in such a bodily way.''

How were you diagnosed ....for instance, when you say ''mental illness'' - this is a pretty generic category.

Have you been in hypnosis? This might bring back specific instances of abuse which you need to be conscious of because ''you need to feel it to heal it.'' ANd in order to feel it you need to know it.

Also: would you please post your chart with NO asteroids and current transits?

Are you in a relationship right now? Is it steady or undefined?

LIN

Hi Lin,

Thanks for your reply, just spotted this now! Longer background desc incoming:

So I have had many diagnoses, flippant ones as I have been treated not so well by the medical industry. I have diagnoses for Bipolar, OCD, anxiety and depression. Nothing has helped those and I have now been diagnosed with long term Complex PTSD. This year I have been suffering flashbacks to what feels like my whole life (very deep traumatic events from infancy that don't quite show themselves and are hard to work out) and have also had fibromyalgia since I was a child. 24 yrs old now.

I have been in hypnosis 5 years ago and my body fought it so hard i couldn't go under. The hypnotist said it was very strange and he'd never seen it before and I haven't tried it again. What brought this period of flashbacks up is a very loving relationship I've been in for a year now, moving away from my childhood home and yoga - as soon as my muscles opened, the memories flooded in.

I feel the Pisces Saturn opposing my Virgo sun has a big part to play. I have a turbulent and non existent relationship with my father who was a silent and foreboding figure my whole life. Pluto also interacts with this aspect. I had a reading not too long ago but they focussed a lot on the positive aspects of my chart which I needed at the time. But I do feel compelled to go deeper with Saturn and Pluto and perhaps the tight Neptune/Uranus conjunction.

My relationship right now is very steady but long distance.

Here is chart with no asteroids:

The most important thing you have done is move away from the family home.
And of course Yoga is a great discipline.

I have a couple of questions: do you have any siblings?

Did you father always live with your family (as opposed to traveling for work a lot).

How would you describe your parents marriage?

Also: is there any chance at all that your LDR will become something more? Have you two ever met?
LIN

Next thing:


''Every single time it gets to Leo season, my mental health plummets in such a bodily way''

NOw is this a relatively new thing or has this always been the case?

If you look at your birth chart you will see that Leo rules your 4th house. You have no planets in it but the Sun rules your 4th and the Sun is in Virgo. SATURN opposes your Sun.
The 4th house represents your most authentic self. Therefore the Sun in Virgo rules your most authentic self. Saturn opposing it means that from birth you were inhibited from being your authentic ''self.''
The Sun is alone in Virgo and that is difficult. The Sun always wants some support from other planets in its sign.

You do have Uranus trine your Sun....promising in the future thru unknown or unpredictable means (like astrology or other study) you will find your true identity.

Neptune also trines your Sun....so since Neptune rules hypnotism I think you should not give up there. Maybe a different hypnotherapist would help you.

Pluto also sextiles your Sun. So...as you mature you will be able to access Pluto energy and IT will bring you the truth too. Maybe not a convenient truth, but the truth.

In fact when I look at transits I see - for instance, the planets in late Capricorn hovering around your Capricorn planets trine your Sun so that your progress with your finding more truths about yourself and feeling more ''real'' can be attributed to them.

Now: transit Neptune is to come soon. It will conjunct your Saturn, it is already inconjunct your Mercury (difficult truths) and will oppose your Sun. Neptune causes confusion but sometimes it brings back memory when in opposition to Sun, Moon or Mercury. I think this is what will happen.

And EVENTUALLY Neptune will trine your natal Pluto....and that will be all the truths laid out for you to know. That will happen around the same time that Neptune opposes your Sun. At that point you may have to make decisions in your life as to which people from the past you are willing to have anything to do with.

Transit Uranus will eventually represent a revelation. This will begin in about 2 years or so.

These truths are going to change the way you see your world. The kinds of friends you want, the type of relationships you want; what you will tolerate in behaviors from friends and others....and even your goals.

Your emotions are governed by your Moon in Cancer. It is not luckily placed. Very near your 2nd house cusp (values) - it represents your mother and all HER mental and emotional problems, some of which she passed on to you....She herself may have had great emotional issues and maybe even diagnosed (or should have been) with depression or bi-polar issues. I am not saying you ARE like your mother but that she was your role model and since the moon is powerful in your chart you naturally mimicked her. (unconsciously).

Your Moon squares your Venus. Venus represents what you desire...want.

What you want and what you feel are very confiicted. That is because that is the way they were for your mother.

Your Moon inconjuncts your Jupiter (150 degrees apart.) By virtue of her powerful influence over you by being in your 1st house and ruling your 2nd house of values -and also being your role model for how to deal with having some very conflicted issues in her life (Venus being what one desires....Moon represents how one deals with these desires...as I mentioned before.)

In addition to that, you have Jupiter in Sagittarius. The sign (and planet, as Jupiter rules Sagittarius) of higher learning, wisdom, belief systems, philosohy, travel, engaging in learning about foreign cultures and religions, etc.) This means you were not necessarily encouraged to learn about things YOU wanted to know....maybe you were expected to learn what others wanted you to know. Is this TRUE?

The coming transits of Jupiter, Saturn and later, 3 years from now, of Pluto all entering Aquarius will change your life some more. All these planets in their turn will trine your Venus at the Beginning of Libra. At first these new energies may feel strange as each in its turn will square your Moon....but....because Aquarius trines Libra and at the same time sextiles Jupiter you will ''become'' a different person. A better, more self identified person.

It's true that the Aquarius transits will square your Mars almost at the same time, but...you are going to need to see that as a challenge to the status quo.

The type of man you are attracted to will almost definitely change and it may take you a while to get used to seeing another type of male as attractive.

You are going to get used to looking at the glass as more than half full.....

I suggest finding the book "Creative Visualization" by Shakti Gawain. If you like it (or if you think it's useful - because some people find it hard to use...it really is easy to use....but often it's the people with Venus problems (I don't know what I want) - that type of person finds it hard. But there is also a ''workbook" that one can buy which helps you define all the information which is in the book. Really all you need a a notebook and pen and half an hour or 3/4 of a hour a day and to turn off phones and TV and just do it.

It will help you define what you REALLY want.

Hope I've shed some light for you,
LIN
Ps: don't think you won't have to read the above only once.... I would suggest once a day for a few days. And if there is something you really don't understand and can't find the answer to just ask me to explain further.

Wow, Lin, thank you so much for this! So much clarity and so much sense. I have taken a while to digest it and sat with it and feel a lot of positivity from it, through a v rough time for me. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply so comprehensively.

I will answer some of your questions and have some myself:

Lin said:

''Every single time it gets to Leo season, my mental health plummets in such a bodily way''

NOw is this a relatively new thing or has this always been the case?

Click to expand...

I'm not sure if this has always been the case but I did have terrible summers as a child and was always depressed which I put down to my mum and dad being so present in the household and me having to get my mother up in the morning/neglect and aggression from my dad etc. I grew up in a v rough area and ran in gangs too so the outdoors wasn't very safe.

Thats very interesting what you say about the Leo in my chart!!! One thing that did trigger it was I smoked bad bad weed laced with something awful (possibly crack...) and had very bad psychosis when I was 15. This would have happened July/August. In this psychosis everything turned very dark around me and very still and I felt as if my body was papery and there was nothing inside me and never had been and was terrified of going home and everyone 'finding out' that I was either very bad or very dead.

It was strange but very rooted to authority and consequence and institutions like hospitals etc and the sky was dark. Since then I've had panic attacks and psychosis back to the same sort of Universe which worsens in summer. I've had treatment for anxiety and depression but nothing ever works and i'm always told i'm an anomaly with my symptoms - I guess thats because looking back they were always severe PTSD symptoms rather than classic anxiety. Wonder if the psychosis and darkness could be related to Neptune and Pluto?

"The most important thing you have done is move away from the family home."

- I'd like to ask more about this! Is there something that indicates the family home was a negative place for me? It's always been laughed about that I 'want to be different' from them/normal family life but its been hard lately realising how much trauma I've suffered from inter-family relations and the household.
______________________

"I have a couple of questions: do you have any siblings?

Did you father always live with your family (as opposed to traveling for work a lot).

How would you describe your parents marriage?

Also: is there any chance at all that your LDR will become something more? Have you two ever met?"

- I have one sibling. A little sister, 3 years my junior. We have always had a close yet distant relationship. She had severe meningitis when I was 4/5 and was hospitalised for a long time, almost dying often. I was neglected by my parents during this period and have continued to be neglected emotionally since (e.g breaking my arm and having to convince them to take me to hospital for 2 hours cus i didn't cry and already had a scary high pain threshold for a child whereas my sis would hit her foot funny and be rushed to hospital in a panic - that sort of stuff) and any time i raised it would be told I 'had a chip on my shoulder' etc. She was also very violent towards me and would trash my stuff constantly but never hit my parents - taking after my dad I think. She now aligns herself with them entirely and looks down on me for 'changing'.

- My father did always live with the family but he worked shifts. He was a policeman and treated us terribly, barely acknowledged us and was constantly barking at us (me moreso) for things like snivelling or breathing too loudly. His presence was uber felt - we knew it was his household and my mother told us to tip toe around him for an easy life. He drank too, but fully functioning alcoholic.

- My mother and fathers marriage was not a good one. Almost entirely loveless and my dad neglected my mother completely. He was very sensitive and we were all walking on eggshells around him. I think she already hated him before we were born and bitched about him to me my whole life, joking about him dying on the job etc. It's complex and tragic and a life I thought was 'normal' until lately.


LDR: we have been together for a year and a half now and have met several time! They have been living with me this summer and it's been great although sadly we both have trauma to work through and sometimes trigger each other. I think it will become serious, I've never fallen in love like that before and never been so cared for. It's funny you say about getting used to a different kind of man because this person is gender fluid and I am coming to terms with the fact I'm not actually all that attracted to men really.


Thank you so much for all you say about transit Neptune/Uranus. I do feel that describes the beginning of this monumental journey. Now I've unearthed some things I can understand my sense of self a little more but I believe it will take a lot of healing before I get there - perhaps by the time Neptune transits my Pluto and the transit Uranus? I've already started to cut my family out because of their behaviour and build a new one.

It really makes sense for all this to be coming up for me now, I wonder what enabled me to keep things so far down in the past

Lin said:

" Your emotions are governed by your Moon in Cancer. It is not luckily placed. Very near your 2nd house cusp (values) - it represents your mother and all HER mental and emotional problems, some of which she passed on to you....She herself may have had great emotional issues and maybe even diagnosed (or should have been) with depression or bi-polar issues. I am not saying you ARE like your mother but that she was your role model and since the moon is powerful in your chart you naturally mimicked her. (unconsciously).

Your Moon squares your Venus. Venus represents what you desire...want.

What you want and what you feel are very confiicted. That is because that is the way they were for your mother.

Your Moon inconjuncts your Jupiter (150 degrees apart.) By virtue of her powerful influence over you by being in your 1st house and ruling your 2nd house of values -and also being your role model for how to deal with having some very conflicted issues in her life (Venus being what one desires....Moon represents how one deals with these desires...as I mentioned before.)

In addition to that, you have Jupiter in Sagittarius. The sign (and planet, as Jupiter rules Sagittarius) of higher learning, wisdom, belief systems, philosohy, travel, engaging in learning about foreign cultures and religions, etc.) This means you were not necessarily encouraged to learn about things YOU wanted to know....maybe you were expected to learn what others wanted you to know. Is this TRUE?

Click to expand...

This is very true! I am a very creative person and have tried to pursue it but everything I did was viewed with derision from my mum. She did have depression, her brother died when I was 5 (I was very close to him, closer than I was with my father so this was a massive blow to me too but I wasn't allowed to grieve because my mother relied on me in absence of her husband). She often couldn't be bothered with anything that made mess, so I wasn't really allowed to do much alongside my interests and always felt alone and exposed in them.

My issues with my mother make sense - she was the only person I could rely on and she aligned herself almost as a child re my fathers reign over the household. She would nap in my bed and get me to lie etc so he wouldn't find her and get angry and any time I tried to raise the issue of my fathers abuse with her she told me she couldn't control him and that I was the problem. She was reliant on me and I think she was quite vicious in keeping everything exactly the way they were and my upset didn't fit into that.

I got a reading a while back and they said my Venus conj Chiron in Libra in relation to my Virgo sun (i think) spoke to issues in relationships with women. I wonder if theres anything in there that links those to the moon/asc re the issues with my mother.

I definitely am leaning more towards my interests. Only this year I feel I've discovered a sense of self and am learning astrology, herbalism, and looking into EMDR (kind of a form of hypnotism so its interesting you say that!) to eventually on my journey become a therapist myself!

Thank you so much for all of this Lin its so illuminatng and interesting

I'm sorry I stopped posting so suddenly. I have been super busy with so many things I can't even begin to list them...it would bore you.

But If I didn't make clear to you that you are not imagining any issues from your childhood and that your ongoing emotional/mental issues are directly connected ....I am saying that now. You went through a kind of hell. A terrible father. A mother who experienced both the death of a sibling and the very scary illness of a child all about the same time.

You just got totally left out. She just didn't have the energy or ability to deal with all the negatives and something had to be sacrificed and it was you.

Your mother was just so overwhelmed that she tried very hard to ''control'' her life....which was absolutely impossible as long as she was married to your father....who she didn't love (maybe) and who was not in love with her (probably). The way she controlled her life was absolutely wrong...and obviously she didn't have good friends and family to help her navigate a difficult marriage etc.

NONE of this excuses her. Parents are responsible for the children they have. They didn't take care of you. Certainly not the way you needed.

It's good that you remember a lot of the things that happened. I am thinking you just have not had ''good'' therapy. Medication works only if you are also in ''talk therapy'' with a wise and knowledgeable therapist.
And I still think you should try hypnosis again, as the TRANSITS matter.....in other words when you tried it before it didn't ''work'' - but in the future the transits will be different.
You can also have hypnosis to battle your anxiety.

Also: if you are not taking a good (low dose) anti-anxiety medication you should be.
When you feel yourself going into a panic there should be help available at that time.
Whether at home or away from home...and that requires medication.

which is different from anti-depressants. I don't know if you are taking them. But they do have side effects and often do not work the way they should.

LIN