Having a difficult time

I don't even know where to start... but I'm having a horrible night. Got into a huge argument with my mother and sister, my sister went after me and threw a chair, and glass at me (twice). I was so angry and hurt, mother telling me I "triggered" my sister to attack me (she's the victim, she suffers from anxiety).. so I was hurt and said a few things to my mother (stupid me). Now I'm the one that's wrong.

Well long story short, I don't have a job (I am studying though), and my mother basically wants me out. She's telling me to go with my dad, but I really can't go with him because it's the same bs there, and plus he doesn't want me there, he's disabled, makes little money, and has no space for me. So really, there's no room for me. I don't have any friends who can help me, and there's no family I can run to either for help. Relatives are scattered, no one lives nearby and I'm not exactly close to any of them either.

I've been applying for jobs all week before this happened, so that's a start. I'm 21 and have never worked because I've had a lot of health problems, spine surgery, heart problems, etc. But I'm ready to work now (or at least feel it). It's just hard because where I live there isn't really any transportation, I don't have a car, and everything is super far. And I don't have any money. The only bit of help I can get is from my father, transportation-wise, but now my sister who is angry with me is trying to jeopardize my father and I's relationship. She just sent him a text to instigate a fight. Anywho..

I feel like I have no support. I'm always walking on egg shells with everyone. My mother is over-bearing with me (that's how I feel but she'll tell you it's all in my head), and I feel like everything is falling apart. I wish some doors could open up for me with a job, and things could settle down. I just feel like quitting school for now, and working.. only wish I could get a job and transportation to work. I don't even know where I will be sleeping tomorrow night. I feel like I've never even had a chance at this life.

I'm just so sick of it all.. I don't even know what my question is...

Do my transits reveal anything?

edit: Btw, you know what's funny? Before this, my sister and I were doing well. And last night I had a dream that she was trying to kill me. Funny.. I wonder if that was a warning..

[Note: Threads where the OP threatens suicide are immediately shut down and the person is referred to suicide prevention services. This thread does not seem to be a suicide threat, so changed thread title to make intention of thread clearer - Moderator]
 

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waybread

Well-known member
Re: Feel like dying

Welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry that you are going through a rough patch.

Your chart does suggest sibling problems, with Neptune-Uranus in your third house, squared by your sun and opposed by Mars. Also problems in your childhood home/family, as indicated by Saturn in the 4th house, square Pluto. With that feisty Aries sun and intense Scorpio rising, you don't seem inclined to play peace-maker!

The family issues may be with you for life, but you can learn to relax around them a little. If astrology teaches us anything, in looking at planetary transits, it is that "This, too, shall pass," even if it takes a while.

If your mother won't physically throw you out of the house or call the police on you, staying with her momentarily sounds like a good idea. Just keep a low profile. And if you can learn to control your temper-- no matter how badly your mother and sister behave-- hopefully things can simmer down somewhat. Sometimes a little apology goes a long way. This doesn't mean you were in the wrong: just that you need a roof over your head until you can pay for your own roof over your head.

In the meantime, can you find a social worker where you live? I don't know if you are still in NYC, but there are United Way agencies that may be helpful http://unitedwaynyc.org/pages/get-help , if not there, elsewhere where you are living now. For one thing, having your sister throw chairs at you sounds abusive to me.

Are you eligible for social assistance or disability payments until your first paycheck comes in? If you are taking courses, are they at a high school or college campus with counselling services?

I don't have the answers, but I think a professional in your area's social services network would be the place to start.
 
Re: Feel like dying

Thanks so much for responding, Waybread. You have no idea how much it means to me.

I really don't know if she'll go as far as to call the police to kick me out. Never has, but there's a first time for everything. It's not like I haven't been kicked out before. I was living with my dad for 3 months in 2013-2014, sleeping on his couch.. until he sent me back because he couldn't help me anymore.

I'm trying to control my temper. It just hurts especially when you've been going through this for so long, and you're by yourself (my own mother has instigated fights between my siblings and I). Hopefully an apology helps, but I really do need to get on my own two feet. My own mom would see through that anyway, she'll call me a hypocrite, saying I just use her. :confused: I feel like the only bit of self worth I have is constantly being crushed. I don't contribute financially to the household, I don't get a check from the gov't like my sister does. So even if she's wrong, I'm out--->

I've been in Upstate for the last 13 years. I wish I was back in the city sometimes. Public transportation seems like heaven. Maybe I would have left home a long time ago. Up here we don't have any family either. It feels isolating.

I applied for disability back in 2012, and just got denied this past week. It went on for 3 years. I have severe back problems, but like my doctor told me, the government is cutting back, and probably due to my age I would get denied. And I did. Caseworker told me the lawyer may take my case to federal court. But I'm sick of the wait, and doubt that will go through anymore.

I'm a junior, taking courses online. No help with counselling there. I was getting counselling and they knew about the abuse but they never really helped me. That placed sucked. And I rely on my parents for transportation, but my mom is always working, and my dad is working now too, plus he lives a bit far from me. So yeah, stuck in a rut.
 
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waybread

Well-known member
Re: Feel like dying

No problem-- Sorry I'm not more help.

I'm not much into hoping that transits will magically transform our lives, but I note that in late June of this year, Jupiter will cross into your 10th house of career. This should be a time when your job worries ease up. I can't say that your dream job will materialize (although it might, but merely that you should feel more optimistic about your situation.

I don't want to paste a happy-smiley face on a difficult situation, but I think that if you could improve even one or two small things about your life right now, it wouldn't feel so grim. Just for example, with Neptune squaring your natal sun, self-esteem may be a lifelong issue for you. This doesn't mean anything is objectively wrong with you, just that you will be hard-wired to think so. Yet if you just focus on reinforcing your feelings of dignity and self-worth, this is free, and will start to make life feel less hopeless for you.

Many people go through circumstances comparable to yours, and as you go through life, you will then be in a position to be helpful to them.

Saturn as the traditional ruler of your 4th house located in your 4th makes me think that "frugality" is the key word for improving your living arrangements. With Uranus as the modern ruler of your 4th house, "outside the box" thinking is required. Maybe somewhere in your neighbourhood or nearest city there is a senior with a room to let, in exchange for light housework or simply being another soul in the house for a lonely and possibly apprehensive person. If you ask around, maybe a friend's parents can let you use a room in exchange for something they want handled. Au pair arrangements, similarly, were designed for students.

Similarly, if there are no buses or commuter trains where you live, maybe you can make a car pooling arrangement with a friend who drives-- such as they drive and ask you to do some sort of job for them that they want done, in exchange.

I can't say this solution would work, but is an example of some lateral thinking.

In the meantime, stay strong and focused on completing your studies and finding a job. This too shall pass. These difficult experiences now, in hindsight, will make you a stronger, more compassionate person. (transiting Chiron square moon, NN.)
 
Re: Feel like dying

I can't wait for June then. I need something to happen. Ever since Pluto squared my natal Venus and Saturn transited my 12th, everything has gone downhill.

I really have no friends to go to, the only real friend I have at this moment lives a few states away. I wish she was closer, I know she would have helped me.

Anyway, thanks again for your help. Just hoping today is a brighter day.
 

waybread

Well-known member
Re: Feel like dying

I didn't suggest you wait till June! Just that your career is likely to feel a lot better by then.

If you don't have friends.... try classified ads in your local paper?

Extraordinary circumstances require extraordinary steps.

Good luck.
 
Yeah I'll try looking. She hasn't said anything to me today. So I'm not sure what will happen. And on top of yesterday, I came down with the flu hard. Severe chest pain, fever, and body aches. Life is something..:confused:

Thanks again Waybread!
 

waybread

Well-known member
I hope you feel better soon!

Your lungs are a third house matter. If they hurt a lot or start burbling, please see your doctor.

I'm not sure how much I've helped.... and reflecting on your chart.... you have a kite formation pointing to that Uranus-Neptune in your third house. The third deals with your lungs, siblings, neighbours, communication, and your thought patterns. Any improvements you can make in one of these areas (like with your chair-tossing sis?) should help with the other planets tied into your kite.

If astrology fails, repeat after me:

"I am strong."

"I am beautiful."

"This situation is only temporary."

Repeat.

Repeat.
 
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Tessie

Banned
Hey, I am praying for you. I went through something similar when I was at your age. I could not find a way out but one opened for me and it led to another and another and, by God's grace, I never had to go back. I promise in time to come you will look back at this situation. It cannot last forever, nothing does.

If you are at all spiritual, pray for guidance and you will receive it. If not, I know it is hard to do but, I suggest you aim to find some distance in your mind from the situation you are in, for example, through reading a story book or a wisdom book or planning all the wonderful things you will do with your life one day. "The Power of Now" is a popular regeneration book and free as a pdf online as are many other popular books.

Freeing up your mind may sound counterproductive in this pressing circumstance. But taking action to do so may open your mind to some possibilities and combinations to liberation which you have not yet thought of or may have overlooked. Practicing gratitude always offers a change of perspective, because however bad things are they can be so much worse.

Sometimes life takes us away from friends and stability as we know it for reasons we may never understand. It may be hard to imagine right now, but there are so many good people in the world. I am sure you are one of them. Take it a day at a time. Never lose hope. We are always here for you.
 
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Honky VIII

Well-known member
I can't say much astrologically, waybread did that already

His affirmation "This situation is only temporary."
can help you a lot. Another famous wording is "This, too will pass"

But don't just repaeat it like a parrot.
Think about it, so you will understand that it is true.

Can you think of some unpleasant situations you had before?
And they passed. Your surgery e.g.? The probs that made surgery necessary?
There was a time when you couldn't walk. But now you can.

It is a very deep truth that everything is impermanent (teaching of the Buddha)

From your post I can see that your intelligence is good and this can help you to get a better life. You don't sound like an underdog.

And another thing that might help you: Keep a distance from those who cause you problems. Go out for a walk, be in open air as often as possible. When you feel a quarrel is immanent or just feel bad emotions in the room or around your sister or your mother frowning at you - just stay away from them. Go for a walk. There might be things like an aura around them (or around you) that causes bad emotions and because of that bad actions.
Another thing is that a room in which bad events took place kind of stores that athmosphere - and this can trigger more of that. It can make the people in it unhappy thoughts and feelings
A walk in the open can free you. It can also decrease unhappy emotions, in particular when you are walking with open eyes, focussing on the things that you can see. Trees, buildings, clouds, the sky, stars ... If you keep to this you will feel much better. It opens you up. and then helpful thoughts can come to you and you might be able to see opportunities of which you are not even aware now.
 
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Waybread- Thank you. Will do. And it's funny, I didn't notice that (3rd house ruling lungs, siblings). I've had a crazy cough since yesterday. Oh and I just realized Pluto has just entered my 3rd house.

Tessie - Thank you so much. I could really use the positive energy right now. You've all been so kind. Yes, I just need to focus and think about positive things. I'll check out that book. Thanks. All of your guys feedback is definitely helping me put things into perspective, problems just seem to swallow you whole.. you get blinded. Thank you again.

Honky VIII - Thanks so much for your response. Yes, that's how I'm aiming to look at it. They all passed. I've been through a lot of health problems, but I've gone through them. I'm taking your advice and definitely just keeping a distance. And I'll definitely get out more once I get over this flu.
 
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