Hi all!
Its been a while since I last visited this website but now I feel so down I ask you again to give me advice regarding my life situation. I try to describe it the best I can but maybe my charts give better insight of my problems.
I've always been very introverted and difficulties with communicating and letting people close to me. I tried and tried to be more open to the world and meet new people but could never make lasting connections. There were some people who told me many years ago they thought I was their "lost twin" but after these years everyone changed and there is barely anything to talk about. Around this time last year I lost my high school best friend to coronavirus and I feel so much regret because the past few years since she got married we barely talked anymore. I think everyone's life progressed somehow but I just remained the same and I don't know how to change myself to have a normal life too. I never had any long term goals, even tho I try to set up some from time to time but nothing really interests me. I thought that if I find a partner it would be easier but all my past relationships failed and I have zero hope I find anyone anymore. For some reason Im attracted to liars or get into dysfunctional long distance relationships. Im not interested in getting married and having a family. Basically I have no interest in doing anything at all. I lost motivation in my work as well.
Im not close with my family either. Im a very late child and my opinions never mattered, they mostly forget about me and it hurts me so much I actively avoid family meetings if possible. They blame me for being so reclusive but they never accepted that Im not extroverted and outgoing like all of them. I think some of them still couldnt accept my existence even tho Im already 34 years old. For example whenever my dad tries to call my name he mistakes it for one of my 2 sister's name and sometimes he cant even correct it. My sister named her daughter a very similar name to mine and now they accidentally call me by her name. My sister's birthday is today and everyone sent a message in our family chat group, meanwhile my birthday (last december) was not mentioned there and some of them even forgot it. It is the worst on Christmas because there is always someone who accidentally forgets about me. I know these are little things but there are many of them and so hurtful because makes me feel I dont matter. Whenever I speak they interrupt me and only talk to me when they have to or want to ask me to do something. Everytime we meet I have to pretend that everything is fine with me and Im sick of it. We never talk about problems here and they wouldnt know how to deal with it anyway. I dont blame my parents, we have a huge age gap and I believe they tried their best and they thought the best is to hide problems and pretend that everything is fine. I have a strong feeling that I was an unwanted child and turned out to be someone who they would rather hide and not talk about. Im so different and cant find my place there and sadly it is true for any community I try to be part of. I always wanted to belong to a group that accepts and likes me as a second family but I have never found a place like that. My hobby is online gaming and there aren't many of my age group anymore because people have families and real life responsibilities unlike me. I feel so old and boring among these young people I play with.
I have no idea why I came to this world, what my life goal is, because I literally just exist and wait for the day it all ends. Im not suicidal I think it makes no sense because one day I will die anyway so might as well see if I find a reason to live but its been so long. Sometimes I have better days or it is just because I find something to distract me. I feel so guilty too for feeling this way because people have way bigger problems and that is part of the reasons why I never really talk about how I feel. The other reason is that no one cares. I should feel grateful for the things I have but I dont know what to do with my life. I feel there is nothing left for me and I reached a dead end.
Thank you for reading it and if you can give me advice.
Its been a while since I last visited this website but now I feel so down I ask you again to give me advice regarding my life situation. I try to describe it the best I can but maybe my charts give better insight of my problems.
I've always been very introverted and difficulties with communicating and letting people close to me. I tried and tried to be more open to the world and meet new people but could never make lasting connections. There were some people who told me many years ago they thought I was their "lost twin" but after these years everyone changed and there is barely anything to talk about. Around this time last year I lost my high school best friend to coronavirus and I feel so much regret because the past few years since she got married we barely talked anymore. I think everyone's life progressed somehow but I just remained the same and I don't know how to change myself to have a normal life too. I never had any long term goals, even tho I try to set up some from time to time but nothing really interests me. I thought that if I find a partner it would be easier but all my past relationships failed and I have zero hope I find anyone anymore. For some reason Im attracted to liars or get into dysfunctional long distance relationships. Im not interested in getting married and having a family. Basically I have no interest in doing anything at all. I lost motivation in my work as well.
Im not close with my family either. Im a very late child and my opinions never mattered, they mostly forget about me and it hurts me so much I actively avoid family meetings if possible. They blame me for being so reclusive but they never accepted that Im not extroverted and outgoing like all of them. I think some of them still couldnt accept my existence even tho Im already 34 years old. For example whenever my dad tries to call my name he mistakes it for one of my 2 sister's name and sometimes he cant even correct it. My sister named her daughter a very similar name to mine and now they accidentally call me by her name. My sister's birthday is today and everyone sent a message in our family chat group, meanwhile my birthday (last december) was not mentioned there and some of them even forgot it. It is the worst on Christmas because there is always someone who accidentally forgets about me. I know these are little things but there are many of them and so hurtful because makes me feel I dont matter. Whenever I speak they interrupt me and only talk to me when they have to or want to ask me to do something. Everytime we meet I have to pretend that everything is fine with me and Im sick of it. We never talk about problems here and they wouldnt know how to deal with it anyway. I dont blame my parents, we have a huge age gap and I believe they tried their best and they thought the best is to hide problems and pretend that everything is fine. I have a strong feeling that I was an unwanted child and turned out to be someone who they would rather hide and not talk about. Im so different and cant find my place there and sadly it is true for any community I try to be part of. I always wanted to belong to a group that accepts and likes me as a second family but I have never found a place like that. My hobby is online gaming and there aren't many of my age group anymore because people have families and real life responsibilities unlike me. I feel so old and boring among these young people I play with.
I have no idea why I came to this world, what my life goal is, because I literally just exist and wait for the day it all ends. Im not suicidal I think it makes no sense because one day I will die anyway so might as well see if I find a reason to live but its been so long. Sometimes I have better days or it is just because I find something to distract me. I feel so guilty too for feeling this way because people have way bigger problems and that is part of the reasons why I never really talk about how I feel. The other reason is that no one cares. I should feel grateful for the things I have but I dont know what to do with my life. I feel there is nothing left for me and I reached a dead end.
Thank you for reading it and if you can give me advice.