Here is what I see. It is about your predisposition, your perception of your relationship with your father over time. And it is all in your natal.
The bright, loving young father, Sun in Leo, is exactly conjunction the Asc, the sensitive point on the house of your being, your essence. That experience washed over and enveloped you while he was a young father. As he became an older father, its symbol Saturn, is not at all so well dignified like bright and shining young father, Sun in Leo. Rather, your experience of the older father is one who is extremely uncomfortable in his skin: Saturn is in the sign of its fall, Aries. Saturn is also retrograde, so somehow not able to move forward with ease, perhaps looking backward instead of to the future. Not able to fulfill the obligations and responsibilities of the older father. And this is without regard for what really did or did not happen.
With these actors or parts in your psyche that filter how you see the world, you are innately inclined to see your father change from being more warm and accessible in his younger father years and more contracted, dissatisfied perhaps, certainly less well able to function as a matured older father.
And here is the good news.
The symbols for young bright and older father are in a very harmonious relationship. They are exactly trine to within one second. Very favorable. And I think this points to an inherent ease you possess to bring the estranged older father in your mind into connection with the energy of the young bright father that you remember and hold in your heart. There is great hope that all of this between you can be transformed *within you*. That there is really nothing that your father needs to do. Or maybe even can do.
As a first step, and if at all possible, I would think about considering your experience, your relationship with your father, less of a wound and more of an internal imprint. One that can be softened, reshaped, released. All by you. And I think you may already know the means by which this may happen: Progress in compassion.
I am truly wishing you the best.
first of all, thank you for your insightful, wise response!
I really appreciate you reminding me of the perspective of my own natal, my own perception and how I have the power to change my perception. it's a very empowering outlook to have on life.
my saturn in aries also resonates with my father who has excessive nervous aggression and impulsiveness and doesn't know how to be assertive in a calm saturn-like manner. which is not only my perception but also how other people experience him.
he also has the natal aspects: node square mars, node square pluto, mars square mercury, pluto square mercury, pluto square venus, venus square uranus etc. which could all indicate his inability to show affection (he has zero friends and avoids socializing), constant power struggles and anger issues, that he lets out on other people by blaming them and attacking their self-esteem.
me and my sister are still in therapy to get rid of the negative self-image ingrained in our subconscious, created by him constantly nagging and talking down on us and never mentioning anything positively encouraging. his words as a child felt hurtful like a sword, when the dad you looked up to as a hero suddenly switches and reveals his merciless evil side which was full of rage, those moments are partly suppressed and partly ingrained in my memory.
we're still in the healing process of the trauma of being abused by the only caretaker who we put all our love and trust in, being raised by a single father, struggling with his own insecurities and compensating with alcohol abuse and temper tantrum that he let out on us.
I still live with him due to financial reasons and being on the search of a suitable job, which I feel like I haven't dared to trust in my full potential yet, because that would mean detaching from the toxic bond to my father. It's an ambivalent bond we have, on one side the deep love on the other side which grows stronger the older I get, is the burden I feel from how it has affected my emotional wellbeing, my relationships, my mental health and is holding me back from moving on into my deep urge for creating my own life independently and actualizing my potential and purpose.
fortunately he stopped drinking since he got diagnosed with diabetis and other health issues.
and I think part of why I still live with him now that I'm 25 and could move out, is the child who was constantly trying to help him get out of alcohol abuse, change his negative mindset and so on. from an early age I dealt with serious psychological topics and put myself in a role of a therapist for my father.
and the fact that he told me, I'm his most important person in life and beside me, he has no one, this part of me still feels bad for the way he leads his life as a lonely victim and makes me feel responsible to look after him, which maintains this co-dependency.
he also has natal moon opposite jupiter and saturn in pisces, it fits his inclination to get addicted to self-destructive behaviour and habits, him always complaining about nobody helping him and how he always tells me that I should help him more with responsibilities in his life, which makes me feel this irrational weight of guilt and obligation for him, on my shoulders.
now as you suggested, seeing this as an internal imprint, it makes me think about my karma and how I can see this all as a necessary lesson for my own growth.
Also, I'm under some transits that could indicate necessary change to move forward, like:
Pluto conjunct Neptune
Chiron opposite Chiron
Chiron square Jupiter (which I also have natal)
Saturn opposite Ascendant
Saturn opposite Sun
Saturn sextile Saturn
Jupiter sextile MC
Jupiter opposite Mercury
Mars sextile Pluto
Mars trine Uranus
upcoming transits:
starting 22.9.21 : Pluto square MC
starting 23.9.21 : Mars opposite Saturn
starting 27.9.21 : Mars square Jupiter
starting 28.9.21 : Mars conjunct Chiron, Chiron trine Ascendant
It's been a long time since I craved deep transformation and change my life circumstance for the better, so I can finally feel more as an active creator instead of a victim of circumstances, which I was when I was a child.
for a long time I felt stagnant and trapped in my place in life but now I can feel how my faith, my dreams of a better future that I had as a child is coming back in a more realistic way.
