Is it just my personality or is it a personality disorder?

I’ve always been the shy and quiet type and it seems to have escalated into social anxiety or disorder over the years. At first I thought it was just normal for some people to have only quite a few friends in their entire lives. Maybe that's just who I am - I just have different interests among my peers and I am just a unique tough nut to crack. Maybe it's just my personality. But when I started being quite the loner during long stretches of my adolescent life with 1 to 0 friends, a stretch that continues until now, I started wondering that maybe I'm unlikeable, boring and unpleasant as a human being, that maybe I need to try hard to be more pleasant and outgoing and find people with similar interests as me. And try darn hard and be pretentious I did. Eventually, the masquerade began to feel exhausting. Sure, that masquerade earned me people to hang out with but I never had truly friends. I'd rather be alone in a crowd than to be lonely in a group of friends. Until it came to that point that I just accepted the fact that maybe I am totally socially inept and too insecure.

Around 2010, I started cutting myself off from people, thinking that they probably would not want to be friends and that I don't have anything to share with them either. I totally withdrew myself from the society - no texts, no facebook or social networks whatsoever. I’m not sure where this came from. Nevertheless, I withdrew myself. It’s strange, but I seem to have become more confident in myself yet I cannot seem to make relationships anymore. I spend my lunch hour alone. Right now, my only closest friend who I can be around with is my elder sister. I have trouble looking people in the eye or saying something as simple as “hi.” I opted out of social networks to connect with people I knew before, but instead joined internet forums like this where I can talk to strangers who share my interests. It's also funny that I find it easy to talk (and I actually enjoy it) to strangers rather than people who know me. I can talk one on one with people but cannot approach a bunch of people and join in conversation.

I started to put up a "I don't care about what people think of me" attitude but deep inside I was troubled that I was forever ruined and scarred and that there is something wrong with me. Until one day I decided to take up an online exam about personality disorder and it came up with the result that I may be a schizoid and a bit schizotypal and that I most probably have an avoidant personality disorder. According to Wiki:

Avoidant Hesitant, self-conscious, embarrassed, anxious. Tense in social situations due to fear of rejection. Plagued by constant performance anxiety. See themselves as inept, inferior, or unappealing. They experience long-standing feelings of inadequacy and are very sensitive of what others think about them.[32]

Schizoid Apathetic, indifferent, remote, solitary, distant, humorless. Neither desire nor need human attachments. Withdrawn from relationships and prefer to be alone. Little interest in others, often seen as a loner. Minimal awareness of the feelings of themself or others. Few drives or ambitions, if any. Is an uncommon condition in which people avoid social activities and consistently shy away from interaction with others. It affects more males than females. To others, they may appear somewhat dull or humorless. Because they don't tend to show emotion, they may appear as though they don't care about what's going on around them.[26]

Click to expand...

Now I am a huge cynic and I don't let silly little online quizzes like that dictate my life, but seeing, reading and learning about the results is like an AHA moment in my life - the description is so me to a T and I am a bit relieved that finally I can put a label into that nameless "something wrong with me" that I have been trying to pinpoint my whole life. Also, I just remembered of how my parents used to suspect me and my sister of having an inferiority complex as children. So I may have been afflicted since I was a kid after all.

What do you guys think? Do I really have a personality disorder or is it just simply inherent to my personality?

I see your very sensitive and introverted. Neptune on the rising and so many planets in your 12th house could point towards some sort of mental illness. But not necessarily. You could also focus on your own spiritual development and or artistic expression. It takes a billion years to create art and then you could sell it to strangers who love art and are accepting of any social awkwardness you may have.

RisingSag said:

Neptune on the rising...

Click to expand...

Wait, my Neptune is in 12th right? Only Saturn and Moon is on my rising...

Haven't seen one of your postings for a while. I always remember your chart because of it's heavy 12th house.

It's super typical of Saturn conjunct the ascendant to be shy and serious looking. Usually people find saturn hard to warm up to as well. My ex has saturn conjunct ascendant also. And has trouble making friends due to shyness and a very serious nature.

Mental illness is a possibility with mercury conjunct uranus. usually hard aspects to merc/uranus show mental instability of some kind, but also brilliant minds. Very smart people. there is usually an ability in scientific studies.

Your neptune is still conjunct the ascendant even from the 12th. And can be interpreted in a similar way as to having neptune conjunct ascendant from house 1. IMO.


all the best

I don't think an on-line popular "diagnosis" is valid. The behaviours you've described are sufficiently self-inhibiting that I would encourage you to make an appointment with a qualified mental health professional, such as a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. No, I'm not saying "you're crazy" at all! It's more pragmatic: simply that if you keep up your voluntary isolation, it might become very difficult for you to support yourself in the future, because your self-isolating behaviours will probably come more pronounced, rather than less, as you get older if you do not get treatment.

Astrologically, your chart shows an extremely private person, with your 12th house stellium. The 12th house rules people who are shut-in in some way, whether voluntarily (such as monks in a monastery,) or involuntarily (such as prisoners.)

It is very important for you to have down-time alone, where you can recharge your emotional batteries. But try to see this as a constructive choice in your life.

Then you have a huge concentration of planets in Capricorn, including your ascendant and Saturn conjunct it from the first house. With Saturn in that position, you may well feel that there is something wrong with you. This doesn't mean that there objectively is anything the matter with you, but just that you are prone to go through life thinking that there is. Then Mars retrograde people tend to be very hard on themselves as well. They tend to turn their natural aggression inward on themselves.

What we think about ourselves shapes our relationships with other people. If you decide that you are an unlikeable loner, you will shape your reality to validate your beliefs. If you change your beliefs, you shape your reality differently, according to the new beliefs.

So your first step would be to stop disempowering yourself with negativity. What would be five or so positive things you could say about yourself right now? (One, incidentally, is that you write very well.) Start reinforcing those positives. Then try to take a few small risks in your life that require you to step out of your disempowering self image, for even a moment. Say hello to someone and ask how s/he's doing just once per day, for example. And be a good listener if s/he responds. One of the best ways to avoid extreme self-consciousness is to focus our attention on other people.

**** bro
dat 12th house

Are you going to work in the medical field in some capacity?

You've got some great aspects (e.g., Merc 144 Jup/Uran and Mars semi-novile Uran).

and on the less bright side, your chart has two 8-ish min-tight 135's (Sun-Jup and Mars-Nept).

I don't recall seeing such a tight Sun 135 Jup but you might agree that other "red" aspects betw these planets (the 90 and the 180) might be well-indicative of what you say ails you. Consider yourself as having one (since the tightness of your Sun-Jup orb can make it stronger than an average-orbed 90 or a 180).

The Mars 135 Nept is harder to read because your Mars is blessed with other good aspects .

p.s. you've also Sun semi-septile Sat (tends to self-sufficiency) though the orb is looser.

Slenkar said:

**** bro
dat 12th house

Are you going to work in the medical field in some capacity?

Click to expand...

That must have been the sixteenth time I was asked that question around here. And to answer, NO I'm not. I'm in the engineering field, actually.

congrats I've heard that is well paid and satisfying

Krewster said:

You've got some great aspects (e.g., Merc 144 Jup/Uran and Mars semi-novile Uran).

and on the less bright side, your chart has two 8-ish min-tight 135's (Sun-Jup and Mars-Nept).

I don't recall seeing such a tight Sun 135 Jup but you might agree that other "red" aspects betw these planets (the 90 and the 180) might be well-indicative of what you say ails you. Consider yourself as having one (since the tightness of your Sun-Jup orb can make it stronger than an average-orbed 90 or a 180).

The Mars 135 Nept is harder to read because your Mars is blessed with other good aspects .

p.s. you've also Sun semi-septile Sat (tends to self-sufficiency) though the orb is looser.

Click to expand...

You must be the only one whose answer focuses on the minor aspects so you got me curious.

Can you elaborate more on the Sun sesquiquadrate Jupiter and Mars sesquiquadrate Neptune. I thought these aspects supposed to be positive?

Hi

Excellent post by waybread in many ways.

In vedic astrology the node and Moon are enemies as the nodes are the astrological phenomenon that eclipse the light of the Sun and Moon.
For this especially North node (rahu) is bad in combination with the Moon.
(similar as South node is seen as bad in combo with the Sun).
The number of people suffering from mindissues with this combination is big. Varying in degrees from worries to fears cognitive misperception, mindillusions to more sever issues.
In your chart Moon is conjunct Rahu (North node) exactly (0'16 orb).

I feel it may be essential to become clear about things in your mind and how it interpret things. Some cognitive therapy or help from an outside source may be beneficial probably to come in a more positive trend.
The present transit of Jupiter over your Jupiter in 8th house would be a positive start of a positive transformation.
Your chart shows that you could be insightful in psychological area.
(Jupiter in 8th house in ashlesha nakshatra).

It is not surprising btw that this issue is coming on strong for you now as you are in the Dasha (planetary period) of Rahu(North node) since 2010.
That period highlight of course the Moon in your chart as well.

This thread might be interesting to read.
http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showthread.php?p=613171#post613171

Rahu have a somewhat destibilising effect on the Moon which can be experienced as fears, illusion, mental unrest et.c. But HAVE not to be serious. The astrology is just a mirror of reality, not the cause.
The truth imo is that the core Self is Always perfect and harmonious. It's just the mind that interprets things differently with it's attachments to models of reality, false or true...so much is in our own power to remedy.


S

On the chart it is seems like a very shy personality it does not look like any dissorder. Very heavy 12 house.It is like for example if you had all this planet in the 2 house how opsessive you might be about money and expensive possesions. For disorder it is has to be squares and opossites with complex tensions. You look to be fine mentally. With this chart I also hope you are a doctor or something in institutions working to express possitevely this energy.

Elaboration on the two 135 aspects in your chart would be more fun for me if you go first (i.e., digest available net materials and share with us your impressions of correlatability -or not...).

Shanti said:

Hi

For this especially North node (rahu) is bad in combination with the Moon.
(similar as South node is seen as bad in combo with the Sun).
The number of people suffering from mindissues with this combination is big. Varying in degrees from worries to fears cognitive misperception, mindillusions to more sever issues. In your chart Moon is conjunct Rahu (North node) exactly (0'16 orb).

This thread might be interesting to read.
http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showthread.php?p=613171#post613171

Click to expand...

The moon and north node conjunction also occurs in the first house, does this mean that this mental issue thing is apparent to other people? Also, my north node happens to be in conjunction with saturn also and I have read that this is a positive aspect, does this not benefit the north node and moon aspect in a good way?

By the way, the thread you have recommended. I cannot with the fact that I may or may have the potential to be like John Lennon's killer, or that a nervous breakdown is only around the corner.

Shanti said:

It is not surprising btw that this issue is coming on strong for you now as you are in the Dasha (planetary period) of Rahu(North node) since 2010.
That period highlight of course the Moon in your chart as well.

S

Click to expand...

How is the planetary period of north node connected into the issue at hand...And when does my north node planetary period end?

Thanks so much for the lengthy post, by the way! Much appreciated.

Krewster said:

Elaboration on the two 135 aspects in your chart would be more fun for me if you go first (i.e., digest available net materials and share with us your impressions of correlatability -or not...).

Click to expand...

Understanding the Sun 135 Jup is mindboggling, mostly because of the complexity of having to think of Jupiter/Sun conjunction first place. If Sun/Jupiter combination means self-belief, a fundamental faith in oneself and one's own abilities and the negative of that would be other-doubt, skepticism of others. If anything, I feel that this manifests in a problem with authority figures but what I don't get is how is this connected to the problem at hand.