I can respect that.
It would be good to find some substitute for your family in terms of 'Saturn' .
What I mean is that you have a strong Saturn in your 7th and are now having a Saturn Return. And you are experiencing extreme isolation and loneliness.
Saturn is essentially blocking your relationship zone. And Saturn is often indicative of family/parental control/childhood pain.
Not wanting to open Pandora's box is understandable. But you cannot be frozen in paralysis because of it either.
Who can you reach out to in order to move through some of the blockage?
Intensive counselling? Deep tissue Body work?
You should be dating. You are beautiful, intelligent, successful and talented. You do not want to be alone. You are feeling trapped by the past, in my opinion.
Saturn rules your 7th and is exalted in the 7th. Perhaps you thought that all you needed was your career and success in that field would fulfil you.
But that Saturn opposes your Cancer Ascendant. And that is where family comes in. You always wanted love and acceptance and closeness. But as you had an abusive, toxic family, that craving went unfulfilled.
And now it can be reawakened and satisfied by you by finding a substitute for that missing family love and nurturing.
Who can you reach out to?
Thank you, katy. You're right, I can't be frozen like this. It's not healthy.
I think what essentially happened to me these last 3 years after I decided to cut ties with my family is that I concentrated all of my ties in the worksphere. My whole identity revolved around the success I had in my former job, my friendships were also developed within that job sphere as well as any mentors I had during the course of that 3 year phase. I was in my former job for three years (I basically cut ties with my family when I moved into that job).
During that phase, there was an amazing manager who became my mentor and she probably somewhat represented the maternal substitute in my life as she was older. The same happened with another male mentor figure in that company. He reminded me so much of my own father and guided me in the same manner my own father would. I think I'm suffering a lot from the fact that I decided to move on.
My friends were actually some of my colleagues, but they left the company and I left some others behind. Life takes over basically.
I ended up leaving the company because I wanted to move my career torwards something better. I wanted to emancipate myself. The issue is I'm now all alone. I don't feel the click with my current colleagues as I did my former ones. I feel very much disoriented, especially as I feel as though the new job isn't bringing me the passion I had in my former job. I feel rather ungrateful saying this, but at the same time, I'm not at all passionate about looking at the same excel spreadsheet all day.
I went from a dynamic client-facing position in which I was traveling all the time, to this back-office job with no client contact, no phones, no real team. I'm just the shadow of the professional I was in my former job. I'm afraid that if I were to stay in this position for a year or so, I will fall into a depressive state of mind. The company is far healthier than my former employer, but the job itself will prove to be incredibly isolating.
As far as me dating, my heart is not in it. For some reason, I don't feel like putting any time into dating. I find it difficult to meet people in my current town whether new friends or possible suitors. I don't want to resort to online dating because I did use those websites for the three years when Saturn was in Scorpio and it was a nightmare.
I really feel stuck in a rut at this stage. Perhaps this time is meant to show me I should build an identity which is completely separate from my job. Perhaps I should avoid mixing work and friendships. Perhaps I need this job to truly figure out what I want in my career. This job clearly won't get me burned out like my former job did, so I may have more time to focus on my private life.
I don't know. It could be that I was subconsciously dependent on my job and these mentors to fill whatever void I had in my own life. Now, I have to actually face them.
I'm also the type of person who doesn't really go towards people. I usually let them come to me. I'm pretty passive when it comes to social interactions out of fear of rejection. It could be Saturn is teaching me that I can't always wait for people to notice me and that I need to create my own spotlight.
Seeing a therapist again crossed my mind, but the problem is I am currently stuck with a financial commitment which won't really allow me to spend money into therapy until I'm done with it. I went to therapy for a year straight after distancing myself from my family, but due to this personal commitment, I had to stop the sessions. I'm definitely considering going back, but finances are always at the top of the list.
Ever since I've changed jobs, I completely have gone a downwards spiral emotionally. I really don't recognize myself. I'm usually a happy-go lucky person who thoroughly enjoys going to work (you couldn't drag me out of the office), working out, shopping, going to museums, going to the beach, going to the movie etc.. like a normal person would. However, all I want these days is to isolate myself to notice the lack of love in my life.
I'm currently looking for a charity I can get involved in to put my focus elsewhere, but I haven't found anything yet.
Everything was a bit status quo for three years, then I decided to shake things up to move forward and I'm utterly confused now.
