Hey there (do I HAVE to call you Stinky?
),
So I looked at your Neptune - Chiron opposition.
You Chiron in the 4th House points to issues with Dad. Often he's absent, though sometimes this is in the form of being in an "other world". Chiron is the shamanm the wounded healer, and often his effects manifest very literally.
So if you're dad was a healer of some kind or off riding horses, then this would be an example.
Beyond that, the entire 4th House is the lowest point in the chart--it's the base, where our roots take hold. This position of Chiron shows you don't feel very grounded. In fact, taking into consideration the Pisces ascendant (making Neptune the chart ruler), you might even feel homeless!
This set the stage for a long struggle between independence/freedom vs. fear and isolation. Speaking of isolation...
Your Pluto in the 9th House (are you certain of your birth time, by the way?) in Scorpio establishes Pluto/Mars as a very strong theme in your chart. What's VERY interesting here is that Pluto is not aspected (by any of the ptolemaic aspects--semi's don't count here). So, you are left with the most scary, dangerous "bombs" in the deepest, darkest sign, off to the side, tucked away in a corner.
Ha! NO WONDER you often pondered suicide.
I don't get the sense from your message that it was a "serious" thing...almost as if you thought about it existentially. If that is so, it's completely consistent with the Neptune/Chiron influence.
Neptune in any house is hard to decipher, but in the 10th it touches the parental axis and like Chiron below, indicates issues with your parents.
Often with strong Neptune influences there was insifficient parenting (at least for the Neptunian child who may have needed more). This prevents an individual's ego from devleoping properly, so when the parents leave, there are no "roots" (like we discussed earlier).
This leads to panic, hysteria (over time), etc. It's as if you can't stay afloat in the world. So, since you're a Neptunian person, it's very easy to think about spirit, the "other side" and it wouldn't surprise me if you sit by yourself and think how warm and cozy it would be to sneak up there and take a nap in a big dark "womb".
Of course, it's really hard to get a job if you have to do that all the time.
So there's an issue of balance.
I could go on and on....let me know if you want more.
PS what do you do and can you speak to your early childhood environment? Also, are there by chance any Chiron correspondences in your life? Horses, archery, shamanism, etc.
The flipside of shamanism of course is drug abuse and alcoholism. Oh, boy, don't I know it. ;-)
Hope this helps!
Oh, one last thing... There is a saying: The tallest trees have the deepest roots.
I thought about that as I was looking at your Pluto. We share many features in our charts, so I know how it can feel weird to constantly feel drawn to the darker side of life.
When you think about it, do you tend to wind up in situations in life that are very negative? For example, being born into an angry family, or winding up with a roommate who is severely depressed, etc. Let me know if you see a theme like that.
If you are depressed, it might be that you are just absorbing the negative emotion from all these situations. Neptunians soak that stuff up like a sponge.
Hope all is well!
Doug
PS LAST thing for now. Don't know if this helps...but obviously you'll never be able to go back to childhood and lay down roots. BUT, as people pointed out your chart is FULL of really intense aspects. It's important for you to think of these like resistance bands on an exercise machine. Without them, you'd never get stronger, and theoretically, the more you have, the more you can grow.
So maybe your challenging aspects can become your new roots. By working with them as would an athlete, over time you'll see just how valuable they are.
there are a lot of ways to enlighten ourselves and the world gets deeper, more meaningful and more beautiful (tho a lot of ugliness is exposed too, but once you understand that deep down every person comes into the world with positive intentions and is a pure being it gets easier to accept the current conditions) the more you explore and learn. 