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  #1  
Unread 08-21-2008, 06:50 AM
LadyV LadyV is offline
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I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

Yes, a couple of weeks ago things got so bad that I swallowed what I thought were enough pills to kill me. Thing is, I woke up,, after having what I think was a near death experience where the spirit of my cat appeared to me and told me it's not my time yet, I still have a lot of things to get done, so I guess I survived. But now I can't help but wonder if it's all a strange dream, if I really am dead and in some sort of purgatory. So far, I have not told anyone in my day to day life about my suicide attempt, as I've been hospitalised before and trust me if you've never been there those places don't help you, just traumatise you to the point where it takes an agonisingly long time to work up the nerve to try to end your life again.

My life pretty much ended way before that, when my father decided to molest me when I was too young to have any memories of it. It took untill I was 20 to realise it was abuse, in the mean time, I endured a childhood of being beaten for things I can't even remember, him telling me I'm a failure and will never accomplish anything, me being bullied at school as his abuse made me extremely sensitive and all my classmates found my reactions to things hilarious so they kept going and made school hell for me as well, him taking me to therapists to brainwish me to convince me I'm the ****** up one.

And as an adult, I have not been able to hold down a job or a relationship. At the rate I'm going, I can guarantee that I am doomed to live a life of a spintress on disability welfare, which is sad considering I have an IQ of 145 and people tell me I should model, so I guess that means I'm not ugly, even though I still feel like the ugly little girl who was beaten up in school for being fat(since then, I have shrunk from a US size 18/UK size 20 to a 6/8). And even sadder that I'll never get to travel again, I managed to live in Australia for 5 years and even travel to Africa alone when I was 22 thanks to filing legal action to get my trust fund back from my father, but all that money has been spent thanks to me not being able to hold down a job so I've had to return to the States, worse, to the Bible Belt as that's where I grew up and my mother is, and I am not getting along at all, I am way too liberal and open-minded for them, and by their standards weird, and want nothing more than to somehow escape again. Travel is in my blood, and that will never change.

In jobs, I battle with flashbacks about my father. I've always had problems with authority, especially male authority, as authority in my childhood exploited me in the worst possible way. Not only that, but when you work in a restaurant, the dynamic is often exactly like high school for me, which was as much of a hell for me as my parents. In the way that to me, it feels like people push peoples' and in particular my buttons, and I feel disgusted and have a very hard time keeping that feeling to myself, which leads to lots of clashes at work. And I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed, and when I don't meet up to my expectations, I can almost always hear my father's voice in my head criticising me for the 100000000000000000000000000th time, which, of course, makes me emotional in a way I can't explain to my collegues, making me widely misunderstood as a psycho. And every time I get fired, I feel like I have been punished for being molested, which, while the world might not say it's my fault, they certainly act like it is.

And relationships have been tragic to the point where every time a man leaves me after making all of these promises about building a life together, which they almost always do leave me once I've either slept with them or made it clear they have no chance. People around me, even many much younger than me, seem to glide effortlessly into relationships with someone who is devoted, and even if it doesn't last forever at least both parties made a genuine effort to try. At age 26, my mongest relationship has been 3 months, and I've only had 2 serious relationships, leaving me a lot of time to feel like Bridget Jones at the smug marrieds dinner party except with a much nastier backstory. Not only has my father treated me like a whore, but so has almost every man I've been intimate with. In fact, I can honestly say that I know very well what it feels like to have my brains ****** out like a blow up doll, but I have no idea what being made love to feels like, and I've given up hope I'll ever know that feeling. And to make matters worse, I was stuck in a period for a year and a half where in order to support myself, I had no choice but to work as an erotic masseuse, sometimes giving oral relief. It was hell, and felt a lot like slavery, it was either allow these men to treat me in the same way my father did or be out on the streets. Even more ****** up, he's worth millions, and living in a palatial mansion, while I had to do the unthinkable in order to even maintain a roach infested roof over my head. I felt like my only purpose in this world was to be exploited by men and used as the village bicycle, it's now been over a year since I left the industry, and I have not been intimate with a man since, the thought completely turns my stomach. The idea of a gentle and considerate man turns me on, but for some reason, none of them seem to be attracted to me, maybe because they can tell I have father issues and hold it against me.

Now, things have really come to a head, I am again on very thin ice at work, and all of the old feelings of worthlessness are coming back as it seems like I am completely incapable of supporting myself without degrading myself. And, to be honest, if things get to that point again it will become SO much more tempting to find a way of putting myself out of my misery that will actually work this time.

My big questions are:

*How do I let go of my past so it's incapable of controlling me? I need advice besides "Get over it", I can only hear that one so many times without thinking, "Sheesh, why doesn't someone tell me How to get over it", and in a way that makes sense to me. I would love nothing more than to be able to resurrect the part of me that my father killed before I was old enough to have memories of anything.

*What are some good ways for me to stop taking peoples' actions and words personally so I can get on with building a great future for myself?

*Between now and 2012(when I turn 30), what obstacles can I expect to encounter? And what do any of you guys see as far as relationships, children, family, career, and travel go?

Attached is my chart and my father's. I know my birthtime and not his. Thank you for any honest and heartfelt advice that can give me the power to escape this hell I'm in.
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Last edited by wilsontc; 08-21-2008 at 04:26 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 08-21-2008, 06:57 AM
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

One step at a time in my view LadyV. I am glad you are still living for starters.

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Unread 08-21-2008, 10:33 AM
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

LadyV

Glad too, to hear you are still with us, for what it is worth, maybe you should remember the words of the spirit cat. Choosing to leave before your allotted lifespan will have consequences way beyond what you might expect for the people you leave behind, I promise you.

All I can suggest to you right now is that your chart does promise that you will not spend your whole life in an uncongenial home environment and you will spread your wings and work abroad again - Jupiter on the Midheaven promises that you should almost certainly find the means to travel again through some kind of teaching career possibly? - that will get you away, once you are able to leave the emotional damage and lack of confidence shown by the tough aspects your rising Venus in Capricorn conjunct South Node imply.

Jupiter can be a great performer once it gets on stage, it can be good at finding huge oportunities too and with all that talent, it might be possible to harness both these, even if there are still demons to work through long term.

Perhaps if you can become freelance, it might save you fromhaving to deal with authority figures too, though at you might want to find advocates whenever having to deal with red tape.

Perhaps the very fact that transit Jupiter crossed all these points again - and will again at the end of the year, in a funny way, raised hopes somewhere that you did not dare to have raised before, or exaggerated your desire to be free of current life circumstances and break away from it.

So it could be a time to think about ways to achieve this promise of freedom. There is a strong-minded, wilful side to you anyway, with the Sun square Uranus and Moon in late Aquarius - there may be other ways to find the keys to inner freedom that you seek. With Pisces and Cparicorn both strong in your chart along with the tendency for Mars/Saturn/Pluto it could otherwise be all too easy to keep on feeling that you are totally powerless and don't deserve any better, but that could be playing into the hands of the Enemy.

I don't feel really qualified to say much on how to work through the issues of abuse that you mention, I know that Donna Cunningham touches on these issues in her book 'Healing Pluto problems' and one of the biggest challenges in your chart, inview of the exact Venus square Pluto especially, is to release the inner 'pus' from internalising what was done to you in order to heal there.

Others may have less general advice to offer there.
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Unread 08-21-2008, 03:48 PM
zona967 zona967 is offline
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

I would suggest searching for professional help. Those people know how to deal with these problems. Generally, some suggest writing and talking about the experience in a safe environment so that it gets "out of you". (Little by little, not overnight.) However, if it very serious, then scratching the surface doesn't help but might make things worse. In this case the whole trauma kinda gets encapsulated and the relief is in finding ways to direct the energy that it bears. I remember a story told by a psychiatrist about a guy who get reminded by the presense of flowers near him of the attempt his mother made to kill him when he was young. (Some flower being present in his room when he was young, I don't remember the details.) So as a grown-up he became a gardener. It might sound ridiculous, but in fact helped him feel better. What happened in the past cannot be erased (you know, energy cannot be created, nor distroyed, only transformed). Finding a way to deal with it is the key, but only a professionalist can decide what's best for you, partly because, as I pointed out, the degree of severity points to following quite different resolution paths.
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Unread 08-21-2008, 05:19 PM
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putting the past behind you, to Lady

Lady,

You said:
Quote:
a couple of weeks ago things got so bad that I swallowed what I thought were enough pills to kill me. Thing is, I woke up...

My life pretty much ended way before that, when my father decided to molest me when I was too young to have any memories of it...I endured a childhood of...him telling me I'm a failure and will never accomplish anything...all my classmates...made school hell for me...

And as an adult...At the rate I'm going, I can guarantee that I am doomed to live a life of a spintress on disability welfare...I have an IQ of 145 and people tell me I should model, so I guess that means I'm not ugly...I managed to live in Australia for 5 years and even travel to Africa alone when I was 22...want nothing more than to somehow escape again. Travel is in my blood, and that will never change.

In jobs, I battle with flashbacks about my father. I've always had problems with authority, especially male authority...work...the dynamic is often exactly like high school for me...I can almost always hear my father's voice in my head...every time I get fired, I feel like I have been punished for being molested...

People around me, even many much younger than me, seem to glide effortlessly into relationships with someone who is devoted...it's now been over a year since I left the industry...

Now, things have really come to a head...

My big questions are:

*How do I let go of my past so it's incapable of controlling me?...I would love nothing more than to be able to resurrect the part of me that my father killed...

*What are some good ways for me to stop taking peoples' actions and words personally so I can get on with building a great future for myself?...


Thank you for any honest and heartfelt advice that can give me the power to escape this hell I'm in.
To begin with, some astrology. Right now transiting Pluto (transformation, also death) is going over your birth Neptune (spirituality, also confusion). Pluto over Neptune "wakes people up" and forces them out of their confusion to face reality as it is...not as how they dream it would be nice to be. So your challenge is to "wake up" and live your life.

In your birth chart, you have Pluto (transformation, also sex, control) and Venus (relationships) exactly square (energy needs to be combined with). With an adult, this indicates a powerful sexuality and a need to be "in control" in relationships. However, a child is just learning to use their energy and so they give their energy to those around them until they "grow" into their own energy. Unfortunately, sometimes adults abuse the trust that the child puts in them, and uses the child's energy against the child. Also unfortunately, sometimes the child becomes so USED to giving out their own energy that they never take it back. Your father took your energy and used it against you. The challenge now is to take back your own energy and to use it for yourself to help you grow and develop in your life.

Your chart is a bundle chart, with all the energy "bundled" together. This means that you have "tunnel vision", which you can use against yourself or for yourself. If you "tunnel vision" into the past, all you can see is the past and everything around you becomes a part of that past. If you "tunnel vision" into the present, all you can see is the present and everything around you becomes a part of the present. If you "tunnel vision" into the future, all you can see is the future and everything around you becomes a part of that future. You can switch between these views but you can't hold two views at the same time: a bundle chart is very much an "all or nothing" type of energy. Your challenge is to "tunnel vision" into the present until you change your life so it is better and then to "tunnel vision" into the future so you can change the life so it is the way you want it to be.

The challenge with "letting go the past" is indicated in your chart since you have birth Venus (relationships) conjunct (energy is combined with) your Ascendant (self) conjunct the South node (the past). So when you focus on how you personally feel about your relationships...you are held back and "tunnel" into the past. The goal is to move to your North node (the future). Your North node is conjunct your Descendant (others), indicating you need to focus on others around you.

Of course, this will take time. First you have to heal YOURSELF and THEN you can focus on being around others. You have your birth Jupiter (expansion, also wisdom, travel), Pluto (transformation), Saturn (duty, also structure), and Mars (being, also action) focused in your 9th house (expansion, also wisdom, travel), indicating you have the ability to actively transform and structure yourself by getting to better know things about you. Travel, as you know, is one part of this "wisdom", but it is about traveling and learning from the experience.

So you have "traveled" a lot in your life, both physically and through your many experiences, which has helped you learn a lot of things. And the most important thing you have learned is that if you BELIEVE in something and work to achieve that thing you believe in, then you begin to move towards it. So if you BELIEVE you are a failure, ugly, not important, etc. then this what you move towards. On the other hand, if you BELIEVE you are wise, beautiful, with important knowledge to share to others, then this is what you move towards being.

The problem you have been having in looking for someone to give you the key out of this "hell" is that you are your own jailer: you have had the keys with you all the time. That is the Pluto lesson: the fantasy is over, your life begins right now, the past is dead, the future is yet to be created, all there is the present. And what you do with that present...is up to you.

Wishing you a speedy recovery and much joy and enlightenment,

Tim
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Last edited by wilsontc; 08-21-2008 at 05:26 PM.
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Unread 08-21-2008, 06:43 PM
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Nate of the 12th Nate of the 12th is offline
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Re: putting the past behind you, to Lady

You need to understand the importance of inner work. Your inner world has too much content and it is impacting your real world. You need to have a regular schedule of going within and beating up your inner father. Really let him have it.

I think the issue is beyond the scope of astrology and deeply into the sphere of psychology. Maybe this will help http://astralcrafts.theshoppe.com/Forthosehurt.html
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Unread 08-21-2008, 07:48 PM
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

hi ladyv
check your private messages.
rahu
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Unread 08-23-2008, 04:09 PM
LadyV LadyV is offline
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

Thank you for your advice guys, I feel so awful though still and like I have no hope of digging myself out of rock bottom. So need advice on how to stop the flashbacks.
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Unread 08-24-2008, 12:49 AM
CatchaTiger CatchaTiger is offline
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

Hi LadyV,

Forgive me if this is not all astrologically related, but as a fellow childhood abuse survivor I wanted to offer any support I could give. Flashbacks are normal for survivors to experience, but what triggers them and what is needed to cope with them is different for everybody. This site seems useful : http://www.survivingtothriving.org/triggers but I recommend doing your own search and finding what makes sense to you. It might help to have a counselor or support group to help you figure out what works, I know your economic situation might not permit an expensive therapist, but maybe a free online support group, or maybe there is a women's center in your town that offers free services?

I noticed you have a moon in Aquarius, as do I, and this can lead to a tendency to intellectualize and not be aware of our emotions. Your flashbacks are evidence that they need your attention. It can also lead to problems with bosses or anyone who attempts to close us in! Having just been fired, I sympathize (can I EMpathize with an Aquarius moon?), but unfortunately I haven't yet learned how to cope with this either. With Pisces in your chart, you should also watch for a tendency towards a victim mentality, which is maybe why the men you find seem to think they can abuse you too. Try to be aware of who you let get close to you.

But you have survived not just once, but several times, and so regardless of all that psycho-astro-babble, you are a very strong and brave person. You had it in you to survive and so you have it in you to heal. Focus on figuring out what YOU need to combat your symptoms, surround yourself with people who care and let them know how to help you, do nice things for yourself, work to fight all those negative messages in your own head telling you you are a failure.

Your father sent you a lot of terrible messages, that isn't your fault. But you have the strength and power to take care of yourself now. I know it certainly doesn't seem like it, but the more positive messages you send yourself, the easier it gets.

I hope that helps.
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Unread 08-26-2008, 01:29 PM
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

I can't help you astrologically (I'm trying to make sense of it all right now), but at least wanted to send a *virtual hug*...
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Unread 08-26-2008, 11:06 PM
LadyV LadyV is offline
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

Thank you for all of your support, this has helped my sanity a lot. But then things have just gone from bad to worst, I lost my job yesterday because, among other ridiculous reasons, someone was telling people I've hit her, the only person I've hit in my life is someone who tried to rape me. To make matters worse, I figured as I had nothing left to lose I'd be honest about what has been causing me to have anxiety attacks at work, and her reaction was that I brought the abuse on myself, and my blood flash-boiled. Then, my windshield wipers broke, which makes driving impossible as it's been raining nonstop for the last week, and I had to drive into the nearest service station and call for help. Then, while I was standing in the store staying dry and waiting for my friend show up, the girl who told everyone I hit her came in, and again, my blood flash-boiled, and I had a massive anxiety attack for the rest of the night. And the only reason suicide didn't cross my mind this time is I've taken in a stray cat who's inseparable from me already, so if I killed myself I'd be hurting her too, who know what would happen if she ended up in the pound because I'm dead.

On the plus side, I decided that because my father is the cause of anxiety attacks that got me fired from work, I called several lawyers who represent sexual abuse victims, and it looks like that it will be possible to collect in damages at least enough money so I can finish my degree and not have to work while I'm doing that, hopefully I'll have enough left to travel as well, I miss being abroad. My plan in a nutshell is to get my nursing degree(RN), use it as a way to base myself more than likely abroad for a while, save money, and then do a midwife course. I also plan on doing short courses in things like astrology and energy healing, really, my mission in life is giving as many children as possible the best start in life as my start in life was catastrophic.

That said, to those of you who know some about how to do predictions, what can I except in the near future, and especially in the next 12 months?
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Unread 08-27-2008, 12:17 AM
Slenkar Slenkar is offline
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

It seems your pets/cats figure greatly in your life, I wonder if that is in your chart?

Are you seeing a therapist? Its probably best to go through extensive therapy before getting into a relationship.
Is there any work you can do at home? you could buy clothes that are on sale and sell them on Ebay, thats what my wife's friend does.
Do you hang out with your friends much? thats what I would suggest..

I was in a similar situation to you, considering suicide and not having good luck but eventually things turned around for me, so keep trying
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Unread 08-27-2008, 03:20 AM
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

I am always sorry to hear when young and obviously attractive young girls like you want to end your life. I send you love and light and I will say that as Pluto in Capricorn 12th transitting was sextiling your Sun in Pisces, another hospitalisation sign, is why you survived. Backed up by your natal Pluto in good aspect to the Sun and Moon. You are basically a survivor. Why you were subjected to abuse from your father as so many are, can only be karmic. Have you done past life regression therapy??? I see that Uranus the planet of disruption and separations is affecting both your Sun and Moon. So relations with either parents problematic.

You could have earned some money with modelling but perhaps now at your age it is a little too late. I dont know.

I will look at your Saturn return coming up and see what we can tap into as you do have good potentials in your chart as well.

Take care and I know that people say "get over it" which doesnt help at all and only causes more pain. THey dont understand what you are going through and can feel inadequate in giving any help.

Be in touch again

Last edited by Claire19; 08-27-2008 at 03:27 AM.
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Unread 08-27-2008, 03:26 AM
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

With your 9th house having so many planets I can see the urge to travel is strong and living overseas. You would undergo intense experiences and growth producing as well. With Pluto Saturn Mars there a strong possibility of rape and abuse when travelling and living overseas or from foreigners, as they square your first house Venus on the ascendant. You must guard against this in a big way. Never travel alone or put yourself in a position of vulnerability. If you decide to take legal proceedings against your father you must guard against being compromised by lawyers also. Make your position clear. These planets are a potent mix together. Because your father abused you, subconsciously you feel guilt about it and that you deserve the same sort of treatment again. You dont!! You must put a white light around you and say a protective mantra whenever you are out and about or feel some sort of threat. You are a Pisces and sometimes can play the victim, even subconsciously. With Moon in good aspect to Jupiter and Pluto you can make your home in a foreign place. The orbs are too wide for connection to Saturn and Mars in 9th however. The 9th house Saturn Pluto in Libra indicates some kind of compensation from father's abuse. Good luck.

We need to run a Saturn return chart two years hence and it looks like Saturn will be hitting your planets in the 9th house of judiciary and law and this may be a time to take your case to court. I will look at that chart and get back to you.

Last edited by Claire19; 08-27-2008 at 03:37 AM.
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Unread 08-27-2008, 03:47 AM
LadyV LadyV is offline
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

I actually wanted to do acting and possibly singing(and of course modelling is a great bridge to all of this) more than anything when I was a child, but then when I was 9, my father made me stop doing the classes without an explanation. Then I got fat and believed that there was no way I would succeed because of my looks, and it's only in the last 3 years that I've lost weight and kept it off, though in light of my recent depression I've been doing a lot of comfort eating so I don't know how long this will last. As far as modelling goes, I've noticed my Part of Fortune is in my 1st house and conjunct my Ascendant, Venus, and Mercury, so who knows. If this isn't possible, then I am leaning towards the midwife option as I love kids and want to give them the best start in life, if I did become prominent in entertainment, then I would be one of the most outspoken advocates out there for human and children rights. Though I tried a stint in Los Angeles last year and even took classes from an acting school many Oscar winners have gone to, but then I found that as the years went on I didn't have the emotional control necessary to be a good actress, but I probably will have that control once I'm at peace with the skeletons in my closet. But then again, I found mainstream Hollywood to be way too superficial for my tastes.

Re past life regression, I haven't done a proper regression but I have had my past lives read. Apparantly, in the last lifetime where I encountered my father, I was a madam of a brothel, he was a regular customer who would come in and abuse the girls. He really wanted me and became an obsessive stalker, and for a while my head was in a bandage because he broke my jaw(and in this lifetime my neck cracks a lot, and 90% of the time when I get acne it's on my jawline). Then, when I was almost 30 in that lifetime, he shot me and I died. And apparantly there were several before that where we were forced into arranged marriages with each other, I was really in love with someone else, and he would do psychotic things to that person and me when he found out.

Last edited by LadyV; 08-27-2008 at 04:00 AM.
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Unread 08-27-2008, 03:56 AM
LadyV LadyV is offline
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

And I was typing that post before you finished typing Claire. Very interesting you say that, as as soon as I cut off contact with him and got my trust fund back, I wanted to move as far away from where I grew up as possible and still be on dry land. And I absolutely loved it, I'm a city girl who still adores as many chances as possible to be around nature, so Sydney was perfect for me. But unfortunately I did have problems with men, and was raped there. The difference in the way things ran did help the flashbacks to stay to a minimum while I was there, but I still had many anxieties and insecurities, and now I'm back here thanks to my financial situation. I'm stuck here for now, but from what you said about not travelling alone, well, for my next trip thanks to time I spent in Australia and a few other places I have many contacts in Europe who want me to visit so I definately won't be alone there, I even have a female friend in the Netherlands who has offered to marry me for a visa. Which is tempting, especially if John McCain wins our next election, I'm not actually a lesbian but I can be a fake one if it means having an EU passport. I'm always open to going back to Australia to live, but I am kicking myself for almost being 30 and not having been to Europe yet.
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Unread 08-27-2008, 01:38 PM
Slenkar Slenkar is offline
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

your aquarian mercury can see through the hollywood b.s. and your aquarian moon finds it distasteful.

I read the autobiography of Anne Heche a few years ago, you might want to check it out, she went through something similar to you.
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Unread 08-27-2008, 02:16 PM
zona967 zona967 is offline
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

Well, lying is not really to be commended as you'll find Mercury Retrograde in your chart next life. Speaking of karma, you have Mars, Saturn and Pluto Retrograde which is a powerful trio. It could mean abusing power (Pluto) and authority (Saturn) in a past life which you used to do (Mars) something "wrong". Either that or just the opposite, you had power and authority but you did not take advantage of it for the good of all. If the first scenario is to be followed, then the "punishment" could be someone in position of *authority* abusing *power* to *do* something to you. That's just a guess, of course, I know a girl with all those planets Retrograde and more, and luckily nothing like this has happened to her yet and, of course, I hope it never will.

Some psychology, others telling you to "get a grip on yourself" could have a negative effect because... you could already feel guilty for not doing enough for yourself. In other words, you know it's bad, you know you could do more, you know you have to do more but you believe you can't. That's referred to as "learned helplessness". So whenever someone tells you to "get a grip" it's like listening to the same voice inside your head who already doesn't leave you in peace for not doing enough and that aggravates the feelings of learned helplessness making you even less likely to take action.
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Unread 08-27-2008, 02:30 PM
LadyV LadyV is offline
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

Hmmm, I actually have thought that if there's any chance of me having an entertainment career by my age, it will either start in independant films, on stage, or I can speak Spanish and French and Spain and France have consistantly quality cinema so those are always options options. Otherwise, there's always singing, most who aren't fluffy pop write their own songs anyway so that's more of an individual effort than a colaborative one. Then, if I ever do a Hollywood film, at least then I can have my pick and it would be more of a quality one like Last King of Scotland or Monster as opposed to fluff that relies more on me looking hot in a bikini in front of multi-million dollar special effects than it does on substance. And I know this sounds ridiculous, but as most songs and movies seem to revolve around love and/or sex, I keep doubting that what I can bring would sell as I don't know what that feels like. Though if I did release an album now it would sound like the lyrics of Alanis Morissette set to the tunes of Massive Attack or Portishead.

Anyway, I'm highly freaking out, I had an awful nightmare last night which I was woken from by my flatmate shaking me needing to use my car for something that came up. I freaked out, and she keeps getting in my face. She also has a tendancy to be self-righteous, and thinks she's right, so she'll force her advice on me even if it hurts me more than it helps me. And her advice is usually a mere "Get over it" or "Be strong" without telling me HOW!!!! Actually, our composite chart is very interesting, but my computer is acting stubborn so I'll have to settle for posting her birth chart, has to be said though that our composite is very intriguing. All of our planets are in the 12th or 1st houses(Sagittarius/Capricorn) except for Saturn(11th House, also in Scorpio), Pluto(10th House, on Libra/Scorpio cusp, but in Libr by just a few fractions of a degree), North Node(7th House, Gemini), and Chiron(5th House, Taurus). Our South Node is in a very tight orb conjunction with our Moon, Neptune, and ASC. Chiron is in opposition with Uranus, but not as tight of an orb. My overall impression of our composite is that it can be a very tight friendship, but also a very intense one. I had to call the cops on her boyfriend a couple of months ago because I caught him hitting her, she still doesn't think she was hit, and they wouldn't do anything because they only will if the person being hit cooperates. And she's still with him, though fortuntely now he lives half an hour away so they don't see each other that often. This was right before she moved in with me, so he has never been to my place. I do love her and she has a good heart, but I am beyond frustrated at it going in one ear and out the other when I try to tell people what the best way is to help me when I'm having an anxiety attack, which is distract me with something completely unrelated, and then don't bring up the subject again unless they can tell me HOW to "Get over it."

Well, agenda for today is find a bloody job! And I definately need help with that, no matter what, I do not want to go back to the adult industry just because I can't keep a normal job because of flashbacks.
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Unread 08-27-2008, 02:33 PM
LadyV LadyV is offline
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by zona967
Some psychology, others telling you to "get a grip on yourself" could have a negative effect because... you could already feel guilty for not doing enough for yourself. In other words, you know it's bad, you know you could do more, you know you have to do more but you believe you can't. That's referred to as "learned helplessness". So whenever someone tells you to "get a grip" it's like listening to the same voice inside your head who already doesn't leave you in peace for not doing enough and that aggravates the feelings of learned helplessness making you even less likely to take action.
Touche, thank you!
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Unread 08-29-2008, 07:51 PM
LadyV LadyV is offline
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

Arthur,

Tu tienes mucho razon de muchos cosas(Si, yo hablo Espanol, necessito mucho practica pero aprendido.) El mejoridad del mundo no puedo crear soy muy intelligente, y mucho mas de yo hablo Espanol, depues todos soy rubia can ojos azules y soy Estadounidense! Pero soy feliz yo no soy gringa estupida Deseo mucho a viajar a Espana, pero ahora tengo amiga Holandesa(si, amiga, historia larga, pero nos dos aman solamente hombres) qui desea me cansar por los razones de immigracion Europeano, una dia voy a ser la, y trabaje vas a ser muy facil in Espana yo pienso.

Well, can't stay on for much longer as I need to go turn in job applications at the time I told them I would, but to gloss over what you said, in general, people don't know how to take me, which causes many problems with how I relate to people. Especially where I live, people can't handle people different from the status quo, people call me weird, I am proud to be unique thank you very much! My IQ has tested as high, but then thanks to issues from my childhood my grades were extremely low, if this hadn't been the case I probably would've finished a medical degree by now from a top university. And I do find that the way I look throws a lot of people off guard. I'm not uploading a photo, but at the moment I probably look like a cross between Nicole Kidman and Paris Hilton(Nicole is fabulous, can't stand Paris), so people are thrown very off guard by the fact that I have a brain and that my life is about more than boys, drinking, and handbags. In fact, I was told at my last job that a lot of people expressed jealousy towards me when I wasn't in the room, but if they knew my true story, they wouldn't be jealous in the least.

Anyway, haven't heard of alchemical psychology, but I am intrigued. I'll comment a bit more when I get back to my house.

Muchas gracias otra vez!
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Unread 09-21-2008, 08:27 PM
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Re: I survived a suicide attempt....Now what?

Hey sweetie, I know you have been through a time and a half during your life, but it's just good that you are here and with us <3

I sent you a pm~
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