I am once again stuck in this place where I hate my mom AND want to protect her. Fancy that. Only this time I'm protecting her from me. From my memories and my growing consciousness that absolutely despises many of her choices.
An excerpt from my blog:
"I want to tear into her with righteous anger. It's not fair. You could be so strong, a humanitarian. Tacking jobs most people would truly fear. But you couldn't protect me. You couldn't emotionally connect with me.
What happened to us? Didn't you ever feel the courage to bring up the truth? To hug me and tell me you loved me and be a strong women? Or could it only be played out in theory, in jokes, as an intellectual concept put forth only through appearances."
As a child I was molested by my father. He was a polygamist, he had bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and was a master manipulator/abuser. My mother was almost 300 pounds with 5 kids, and we were in poverty. Drugs were in constant use by both of my parents (especially my father) and eventually the drug use ended my father's life.
I was about 5 when my mother left him, and 11 when he died. There was a long period of time where I forgot everything, the abuse, all of it. I couldn't remember much of my childhood and I was incredibly insecure, but I was just a child and I did not understand.
When I was 16 my mother left me to live with a friend, and I had a subconscious leak. I remembered the sexual abuse and I was completely distraught. It must have been some transit to my natal moon in Capricorn in the 12th. It was a powerful experience and it caused me to throw up in the sink. So that's why my family scattered to the wind. Why I am now all alone.
I pushed it away for a long time. It came out sideways in my art (Venus in cancer in the 5th) and explosively through self cutting (Mars 1st Aries) and escapism (Neptune in a tsquare with both fore-mentioned planets).
I stopped answering my mom's calls. She was far away, Montana, and I in Pennsylvania. I was undergoing a shift in consciousness that was incredibly painful and I pushed her away. Nobody ever confronted the abuse at it's core. The emotional energy is still hurting. It's sometimes like it's still happening because it hasn't healed. To this day it haunts me through nightmares (12th house moon) and an excessively dramatic love life that I owe to my own behavior.
My plight, then, is a question that radiates within me, currently. Retrograde Mercury has been in conjunction with my moon for a few weeks now. Makes sense, as well as her natal mercury is conjunction my moon. Communication with my mother occurred online when she read a poem I wrote about my experience with her. It shook me. She is very sad and feels terrible about it, apologizes and then tells me she can't live in the past. She is right, and I believe she's sorry but here is my question
can I overcome this? There is so much that I feel about my past, I simply don't see how I can just talk to her like it never happened, like we have any kind of relationship. Does my natal 12th house moon in Capricorn denote a lifetime of unresolved suffering?
Can I heal? What do I do, what should I consider and think about ect. Btw omg my mom has an incredibly dynamic chart. See the fixed grand cross, and a separate tsquare. That helps me to see why she would possibly be attracted to someone like my father as she didn't have much self esteem. I realize this is a very generalized statement, as well.
I have included my natal chart (Sarah) , as well as my mother's natal (Carmen), and our midpoint composite. Any advice is much appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read this <3
An excerpt from my blog:
"I want to tear into her with righteous anger. It's not fair. You could be so strong, a humanitarian. Tacking jobs most people would truly fear. But you couldn't protect me. You couldn't emotionally connect with me.
What happened to us? Didn't you ever feel the courage to bring up the truth? To hug me and tell me you loved me and be a strong women? Or could it only be played out in theory, in jokes, as an intellectual concept put forth only through appearances."
As a child I was molested by my father. He was a polygamist, he had bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and was a master manipulator/abuser. My mother was almost 300 pounds with 5 kids, and we were in poverty. Drugs were in constant use by both of my parents (especially my father) and eventually the drug use ended my father's life.
I was about 5 when my mother left him, and 11 when he died. There was a long period of time where I forgot everything, the abuse, all of it. I couldn't remember much of my childhood and I was incredibly insecure, but I was just a child and I did not understand.
When I was 16 my mother left me to live with a friend, and I had a subconscious leak. I remembered the sexual abuse and I was completely distraught. It must have been some transit to my natal moon in Capricorn in the 12th. It was a powerful experience and it caused me to throw up in the sink. So that's why my family scattered to the wind. Why I am now all alone.
I pushed it away for a long time. It came out sideways in my art (Venus in cancer in the 5th) and explosively through self cutting (Mars 1st Aries) and escapism (Neptune in a tsquare with both fore-mentioned planets).
I stopped answering my mom's calls. She was far away, Montana, and I in Pennsylvania. I was undergoing a shift in consciousness that was incredibly painful and I pushed her away. Nobody ever confronted the abuse at it's core. The emotional energy is still hurting. It's sometimes like it's still happening because it hasn't healed. To this day it haunts me through nightmares (12th house moon) and an excessively dramatic love life that I owe to my own behavior.
My plight, then, is a question that radiates within me, currently. Retrograde Mercury has been in conjunction with my moon for a few weeks now. Makes sense, as well as her natal mercury is conjunction my moon. Communication with my mother occurred online when she read a poem I wrote about my experience with her. It shook me. She is very sad and feels terrible about it, apologizes and then tells me she can't live in the past. She is right, and I believe she's sorry but here is my question
can I overcome this? There is so much that I feel about my past, I simply don't see how I can just talk to her like it never happened, like we have any kind of relationship. Does my natal 12th house moon in Capricorn denote a lifetime of unresolved suffering?
Can I heal? What do I do, what should I consider and think about ect. Btw omg my mom has an incredibly dynamic chart. See the fixed grand cross, and a separate tsquare. That helps me to see why she would possibly be attracted to someone like my father as she didn't have much self esteem. I realize this is a very generalized statement, as well.
I have included my natal chart (Sarah) , as well as my mother's natal (Carmen), and our midpoint composite. Any advice is much appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read this <3
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