Dear Mama; a Capricorn's Plight

ninashtia

Member
I am once again stuck in this place where I hate my mom AND want to protect her. Fancy that. Only this time I'm protecting her from me. From my memories and my growing consciousness that absolutely despises many of her choices.

An excerpt from my blog:

"I want to tear into her with righteous anger. It's not fair. You could be so strong, a humanitarian. Tacking jobs most people would truly fear. But you couldn't protect me. You couldn't emotionally connect with me.
What happened to us? Didn't you ever feel the courage to bring up the truth? To hug me and tell me you loved me and be a strong women? Or could it only be played out in theory, in jokes, as an intellectual concept put forth only through appearances."

As a child I was molested by my father. He was a polygamist, he had bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and was a master manipulator/abuser. My mother was almost 300 pounds with 5 kids, and we were in poverty. Drugs were in constant use by both of my parents (especially my father) and eventually the drug use ended my father's life.
I was about 5 when my mother left him, and 11 when he died. There was a long period of time where I forgot everything, the abuse, all of it. I couldn't remember much of my childhood and I was incredibly insecure, but I was just a child and I did not understand.
When I was 16 my mother left me to live with a friend, and I had a subconscious leak. I remembered the sexual abuse and I was completely distraught. It must have been some transit to my natal moon in Capricorn in the 12th. It was a powerful experience and it caused me to throw up in the sink. So that's why my family scattered to the wind. Why I am now all alone.
I pushed it away for a long time. It came out sideways in my art (Venus in cancer in the 5th) and explosively through self cutting (Mars 1st Aries) and escapism (Neptune in a tsquare with both fore-mentioned planets).

I stopped answering my mom's calls. She was far away, Montana, and I in Pennsylvania. I was undergoing a shift in consciousness that was incredibly painful and I pushed her away. Nobody ever confronted the abuse at it's core. The emotional energy is still hurting. It's sometimes like it's still happening because it hasn't healed. To this day it haunts me through nightmares (12th house moon) and an excessively dramatic love life that I owe to my own behavior.

My plight, then, is a question that radiates within me, currently. Retrograde Mercury has been in conjunction with my moon for a few weeks now. Makes sense, as well as her natal mercury is conjunction my moon. Communication with my mother occurred online when she read a poem I wrote about my experience with her. It shook me. She is very sad and feels terrible about it, apologizes and then tells me she can't live in the past. She is right, and I believe she's sorry but here is my question

can I overcome this? There is so much that I feel about my past, I simply don't see how I can just talk to her like it never happened, like we have any kind of relationship. Does my natal 12th house moon in Capricorn denote a lifetime of unresolved suffering?

Can I heal? What do I do, what should I consider and think about ect. Btw omg my mom has an incredibly dynamic chart. See the fixed grand cross, and a separate tsquare. That helps me to see why she would possibly be attracted to someone like my father as she didn't have much self esteem. I realize this is a very generalized statement, as well.

I have included my natal chart (Sarah) , as well as my mother's natal (Carmen), and our midpoint composite. Any advice is much appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read this <3
 

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aquarius7000

Well-known member
can I overcome this? There is so much that I feel about my past, I simply don't see how I can just talk to her like it never happened, like we have any kind of relationship. Does my natal 12th house moon in Capricorn denote a lifetime of unresolved suffering?
Hi Nina,

Sorry to hear about what happened. That said, let me say that I never think that any placement/aspect in a chart can "denote a lifetime of unresolved suffering".....talking about the future here.

In your chart, what really jumped out at me is the close square between the (karmic) north node in your first (your-self/house) and the IC/MC axis (denoting the parents); and, so the south node also automatically stands in a square to that axis. Any placements in the 1st/4th/7th/10th houses are of paramount importance, esp in the 1st - that being the house of the self. The nodes in your chart could thus be a reflection of problems connected with the parents/family.

You have a Cap Moon in the 12th, which, as you have already noted, is not the best sign and house placement for it. Here it has a natural tendency to brood and cling to the past. What adds on to this (emotional) brooding and not being able to let go of the past bit (much as your Aqu Asc perhaps might want you to), is the square (challenge) between Sat (ruler of Capricorn, planet of the past, also a significator of the father) and Merc (Merc=mind/thoughts). Though your Ura also aspects your Merc urging it to break free/move on, but this square is not as tight as the one between Sat and Merc.

So this is the challenge that you have to face, but Mars in Aries in your 1st house gives you that fighting spirit to overcome it, plus your Aqu Asc will make you eventually look into the future and move on, if you let the two take the upper hand, ie.;) Also, don't let your Virgoan placements (of personal planets), in the 7th, make your mind look for more holes in your relationships and make you even more critical and possibly into a real worrywart.

:)aquarius7000
 

ninashtia

Member
haha awesome that's so intriguing! Thank you I will try not to be such a critical virgo. I had a feeling I was doing that. And it makes so much sense that a lot of it would be my saturn/mercury square, as well, considering that transiting saturn has been conjunct my natal mercury for some time now.
Wow I never thought my north node could indicate my parents but it makes perfect sense, you know. With that MC square. It's a tight one, as well. Thank you I will have to read and reread your insights to fully asborb them, thank you again ^___^
 

Astrologer4U

Well-known member
ninashtia said:
Can I heal? What do I do, what should I consider and think about ect. Btw omg my mom has an incredibly dynamic chart. See the fixed grand cross, and a separate tsquare. That helps me to see why she would possibly be attracted to someone like my father as she didn't have much self esteem. I realize this is a very generalized statement, as well.

I have included my natal chart (Sarah) , as well as my mother's natal (Carmen), and our midpoint composite. Any advice is much appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read this


I am really sorry to hear of your mishaps but just know that you are not alone.

To quickly answer your question, the first thing I look at when talking about healing is Pluto. You have nothing but positive aspects going to Pluto. Pluto is trine Chiron in the 6th house Cancer, representing the mother. Chiron is the wounded healer who has the ability to heal. Pluto is also trine the North node in the 1st house of self. North node represents the experiences one must work through in order to grow. Last but not least, Pluto is trine Venus in the 6th in Cancer, again the mother. I believe that you have quite an ability to heal more than most people do. You really love your mother a lot too. In your heart, you know that she was a victim of your fathers sicknesses as well but your Cap Moon represents the child who needed to feel protected and loved but never got it. Capricorn is forced to grow up fast to fend for and take care of self. Emotionally, you had to do those things for yourself and the little child in you who needed emotional support, symbolically starved to death. Because your mother is still alive, and yoru father is not, you go through phases where you want her to feel your pain, the pain that a part of you feels she allowed your father to get away with imposing upon you.


When you get ready to heal, the only thing your Moon in Capricorn will do is not let you forget what you have been through and where you have come from. The positive side to this is that with all you have been through and still having love for your mother, this all contributes to your creativity. You write a Blog about what you have gone trough with your mother, you say that what you had been through spilled over into your art. Look at your Venus in the 5th house of creativity, again, it is in cancer the mother.

Now, that 12th house of yours, although it has your mother as the moon in there, your mother is not really what you are dealing with in terms of anger and letting go so that you can begin to heal. If we look at the ruler of your 12th we will see that it is Saturn. Saturn, as Aqauarius7000 said rules the father. Saturn is opposing the wounded healer Chiron, which is back over in your 6th with Venus where your creativity, love and understanding for mother is at. You never got to confront your father so your mother carry's the burden for what your father did plus for what she did in not supporting you, she is getting a double whammy... but as I said earlier, your mother was also a victim of your father. Looking at your mothers chart, it seems like she may have been hurt, abused as a child as well, so your mother really didn't know how to protect herself leading her to not really knowing, or having the courage to protect you. Your mothers ability to protect and fight for you, her mars, it is in the 12th house, hidden away. She has mars trine Pluto which is powerful and mars is also trine Jupiter so she can definitely fight if she was aware of her power. You know that your mother could fight and protect you if she would just try and that upsets you but your mothers Chiron, the wounded healer is in the first house of self conjunct mercury. Although your mothers Chiron is sextile Saturn and Venus, it is also square Neptune again hidden, and oppose the MC. In addition to, chiron is oppose Uranus and with her having the fixed grand cross, she just has not tapped into any one focal point of positive energy in her chart. She is all scattered, lacking self esteem as you said. When one is lacking self esteem, they cannot tap into anything positive about themselves including their ability to fight and protect loved ones.

Being that Saturn, the father is opposing your chiron, the wounded healer in you, when you heal from what he has put you through, in addition to what your mother has put your through as well, just imagine how even more so, your creativity will blossom.


I wish you nothing but the best, and by all means, continue to keep you head up, as you have done.:)


Astrologer4U
 
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rogue_red

Well-known member
Hi there,
It just so happens that I have capricorn moon in exactly the same degree but in 11th.
I can very much understand your pain and greif as much of it i have experienced myself.
There are a few points that I would like to make.
Firstly chiron is in cancer in the 5th house. Chiron in cancer indicates a wound from the father. A wound so deep it rips out our roots leaving us drifting and lost. The ache of belonging, of being realised and held and nurtured is very intense which is why you probably sought such connection in your love life. With chiron being in the fifth house your key to healing your wound is in open artistic expression. Forget what others think, forget feeling not good enough, just express yourself with all the freedom and beauty thats longs for release. Your value wasnt acknowleged as a child and now you must acknowlege it. We have no control over others only ourselves and within you lies the power to overcome this.
Secondly we look to your north node in pisces in the first house. Astrologer4u said
North node represents the experiences one must work through in order to grow
This is actually incorrect. The north node is your true destiny, its is your sould yearning. This is the direction you must go to achieve true peace and joy.
Your north node in pisces in first house represents a deep and subconscious yearning for self awareness. With the northnode in pisces it takes on a 12th house feel. Dealing with the hidden depths and subtle realms of your soul that cannot be expressed in mercurial terms. The first house calls for the north nodes expression to be a solitary one, individual strength and self realisation.
Sarah, your soul longs for and deserves recognition of self, by self.
The message here is that it is time to move away from the familiar but disfunctional relationships of the past. The north node is trying to show you that you cannot make sense of your life logically and pragmatically and to try to do so wont help you at all. Instead you are caught in a never ending cycle of needing answers for questions that have no logical answers. Understanding and acceptance must come through nonverbal spiritual awareness. The reason why is because pisces is done with lower forms of communication, pisces has ascended beyond the tangible and here the north node says relax, there is no more need to busy yourself with routines and obligations, humility and service to others, you dont need to understand why, you need to simply understand accept that the pain you suffered was wrong and unacceptable and that you deserved better. The north node awaits, for you have earned your right to indulge in the deepest pleasures of the subconscious, explored through creative expression and insight and most of all peace.
Moon in capricorn often symbolises a seperation from the mother or the mother within us. We tend to 'parent' ourselves in a no nonsense way. Our emotional developement is very much in our own hands as we dont readily accept help and support from others but instead seek to staunchly 'fix' ourselves. This is exactly what you are trying to do. Your virgo sun and mercury have you dissecting every event and the corresponding reaction in the hopes that understanding will free you of your pain and it wont. As you discovered, it was in the knowing of what happened to you that the wound really took hold. Dont feel obligated to continue to see your mother at this time. Your time of obligation is past and you must focus on providing the nurturing to yourself, understanding and accepting your needs as needs not guilt ridden wants.
I wish i could give you a one, two three and its all fixed but i cant and to be honest i dont think anyone can. You are on the most profound of journey's that will require you to surrender you virgo need for tangible answers and allow yourself the fullest of creative expression through which will come the healing you desire.

Rogue red:)
 

wilsontc

Staff member
moved the astrological interpretation discussion, to all

all,

I have removed the astrological interpretation discussion to here:
http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14159

If you want to discuss how to interpret an astrological chart, please go to this new thread. If you have an astrological interpretation (not a discussion of an existing interpretation), please post to this thread.

Moderately,

Tim
 

astarr1430

Member
I was looking at your chart. My birthday is also 8/24/88, but diff times and Acs. All our houses are close to oppositions and many of the planets are exactly conjunct. I too was molested for years, but it was by my bipolar brother. My parents weren't really around either because of drugs. I also have similar issues with my mother. I chalk it up to the scorpio pluto singleton (mines in 4th house) and the moon, mars, venus t square. My parents seem to be the opposite though (opp houses?) my dad quit drugs and got healthy. My mom is still an addict, anorexic, and says she loves me, but I can see shes lying. Oh yea she left when I was 11 too.
 
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