Wow, Lin, thank you so much for this! So much clarity and so much sense. I have taken a while to digest it and sat with it and feel a lot of positivity from it, through a v rough time for me. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply so comprehensively.
I will answer some of your questions and have some myself:
''Every single time it gets to Leo season, my mental health plummets in such a bodily way''
NOw is this a relatively new thing or has this always been the case?
I'm not sure if this has always been the case but I did have terrible summers as a child and was always depressed which I put down to my mum and dad being so present in the household and me having to get my mother up in the morning/neglect and aggression from my dad etc. I grew up in a v rough area and ran in gangs too so the outdoors wasn't very safe.
Thats very interesting what you say about the Leo in my chart!!! One thing that did trigger it was I smoked bad bad weed laced with something awful (possibly crack...) and had very bad psychosis when I was 15. This would have happened July/August. In this psychosis everything turned very dark around me and very still and I felt as if my body was papery and there was nothing inside me and never had been and was terrified of going home and everyone 'finding out' that I was either very bad or very dead.
It was strange but very rooted to authority and consequence and institutions like hospitals etc and the sky was dark. Since then I've had panic attacks and psychosis back to the same sort of Universe which worsens in summer. I've had treatment for anxiety and depression but nothing ever works and i'm always told i'm an anomaly with my symptoms - I guess thats because looking back they were always severe PTSD symptoms rather than classic anxiety. Wonder if the psychosis and darkness could be related to Neptune and Pluto?
"The most important thing you have done is move away from the family home."
- I'd like to ask more about this! Is there something that indicates the family home was a negative place for me? It's always been laughed about that I 'want to be different' from them/normal family life but its been hard lately realising how much trauma I've suffered from inter-family relations and the household.
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"I have a couple of questions: do you have any siblings?
Did you father always live with your family (as opposed to traveling for work a lot).
How would you describe your parents marriage?
Also: is there any chance at all that your LDR will become something more? Have you two ever met?"
- I have one sibling. A little sister, 3 years my junior. We have always had a close yet distant relationship. She had severe meningitis when I was 4/5 and was hospitalised for a long time, almost dying often. I was neglected by my parents during this period and have continued to be neglected emotionally since (e.g breaking my arm and having to convince them to take me to hospital for 2 hours cus i didn't cry and already had a scary high pain threshold for a child whereas my sis would hit her foot funny and be rushed to hospital in a panic - that sort of stuff) and any time i raised it would be told I 'had a chip on my shoulder' etc. She was also very violent towards me and would trash my stuff constantly but never hit my parents - taking after my dad I think. She now aligns herself with them entirely and looks down on me for 'changing'.
- My father did always live with the family but he worked shifts. He was a policeman and treated us terribly, barely acknowledged us and was constantly barking at us (me moreso) for things like snivelling or breathing too loudly. His presence was uber felt - we knew it was his household and my mother told us to tip toe around him for an easy life. He drank too, but fully functioning alcoholic.
- My mother and fathers marriage was not a good one. Almost entirely loveless and my dad neglected my mother completely. He was very sensitive and we were all walking on eggshells around him. I think she already hated him before we were born and bitched about him to me my whole life, joking about him dying on the job etc. It's complex and tragic and a life I thought was 'normal' until lately.
LDR: we have been together for a year and a half now and have met several time! They have been living with me this summer and it's been great although sadly we both have trauma to work through and sometimes trigger each other. I think it will become serious, I've never fallen in love like that before and never been so cared for. It's funny you say about getting used to a different kind of man because this person is gender fluid and I am coming to terms with the fact I'm not actually all that attracted to men really.
Thank you so much for all you say about transit Neptune/Uranus. I do feel that describes the beginning of this monumental journey. Now I've unearthed some things I can understand my sense of self a little more but I believe it will take a lot of healing before I get there - perhaps by the time Neptune transits my Pluto and the transit Uranus? I've already started to cut my family out because of their behaviour and build a new one.
It really makes sense for all this to be coming up for me now, I wonder what enabled me to keep things so far down in the past