Hey Julia, i know its scary feeling all these uncomfortable feelings and I know telling you not to be hard on yourself is easier said than done. Try looking at yourself as you would another friend. Would you be that hard on them? would you want them to feel like **** even though they're just doing their best? Of course not. So why do that to yourself? I have found that doing a little visualization helps - close your eyes and imagine meeting up with your inner child - you as a small vulnerable child. Allow her to tell you all the things that bother her, allow her to really let it all out and then comfort her. Give her a hug. Tell her she's just fine as she is. Be your own best friend.
I also found that getting close to animals and nature really helped me - because it slowly made me realize that youre just like them - another creature on this earth - perfect just as you are, without having to accomplish anything, or be someone, or look a certain way. Im really sorry if any of this sounds useless or impossible to you, I wouldnt suggest it if I didnt really get some help from it myself, and Ive been through the suicidal pits of hell in my life. I know irrational feelings can be scary and unsafe, and while i dont want you to get lost in them or fall into harms way, sometimes running from them too much can make them seem scarier than they actually are. Try and observe them just as sensations like you would observe how a certain bit of fabric feels or whatever - without labeling them as good or bad. Just feelings swirling around in your body. Of course if you can and when you feel up to it, try to move towards the things that give you joy too. Follow your heart when it has good days. If you feel better and more encouraged around your friends then enjoy that.
Theres no easy solution to these issues- its a journey that can rarely be understood or appreciated until its long behind you. And i dont see your chart to be gloomy. Theres great stuff there. I just think your destiny demands a lot of you in terms of real transformation and developing self belief against all odds. Dont hesitate to reach out for support even on this forum. You are not alone
Ps. Not everyone is supposed to know early on in life what they want to do that gives them a grounding purpose. Sometimes it takes years. But I believe everyone has a talent...a calling. Pay attention to what draws your interest, what makes bells go off and follow it. Trust it. What shows you are drawn to, what books etc, everything you like holds clues to who you are. There is always something . Self esteem comes from honouring yourself. Try doing something often that might seem a little scary at first. Challenge yourself to walk through fear - start small. It will give you the confidence you need
Like you said,this is not easy to accomplish.I've learnt to expect a lot from me,since I do have those capabilities and I feel best when I know I am able to do what I want to,if I lack the confidence then the fear of failure overwhelms me.And with that fear I don't try my hardest,cause I feel like I'll fail even if I put my soul into it.
I'll try to be softer on myself,I've already stop "crucifying" me for most things that happen.I guess punishing myself isn't really the way to go.After all it's not like it'll be the end if I don't do something the right way one day.Nor do I need to get better in just one single day,I have to accept that it'll take time.Anyway,I just want to learn to love myself for who I am and try my best,there must be a few good things in my that are a rarity and people will appreciate it right?
Perhaps I am so strict to myself because I don't really feel satisfied with who I am...I've always admired a certain type of person and I've tried to reach to that which I admire,but I feel like I have failed.I really don't like my shyness,why can't I feel instantly comfortable around people?I really like people and wish I had it very easy to speak to them,cause sometimes I feel like I can't because I am afraid I'll appear uninteresting and boring to them or I'll say something stupid and they'll reject me.So having failed living up to what I wanted has left me with very bitter feelings about myself.I mean seriously...I am pretty envious of a girl I know with these traits.I cannot understand it...
So...I think I have learnt a few things this difficult year,perhaps relying more on myself.All those years I had mom to rely on,but because my sister went through depression mom was more focused on her,and I was keeping my problems to myself,so having to deal with them alone was pretty sudden and overwhelming.But I hope things get better from now on.
Yes,it is a bit hard for me to make that visualization,after all it doesn't work for all people,but I have been a little more compattionate to myself than I was like a year ago.
Couple of other things you may find of interest. You are born 7/1 . My numerology research tells me that the day you're born (7th) describes what you're like in your earlier life (roughly before 28). People born on the 7th are incredibly intuitive sensitive people and can be easily bruised by being subjected to the energies of others. They are literally emotional and psychic sponges and need to spend some time alone to recharge and shut out the world's overwhelming noise. They also need to protect themselves with their thoughts against negative people. Also they should look to find satisfaction by channeling their creative and artistic INSPIRATION constructively. This is probably the most consistent indicator for a propensity to melancholy i have seen but it helps if you're aware of it.
The month you are born in on the other hand describes what you will be more focused on the next part of your life right up until around 69. January or the number 1 is the number of leadership and expressing your individuality. It can be suggested that the sensitivity of the number 7 early in life is preparing you for your destined task to stand alone, independent of others and despite any thoughts to the contrary, possess the capacity to lead. What you're going through now could be seen as a strengthening process.
Also, not sure if this interests you but I strongly believe in animal dreaming - messages conveyed from animal spirits. I shuffled my animal card deck and picked out the same card for you 3 times in a row. Skunk - the animal that teaches us about self respect. Funnily enough it is card no 7 in the deck! It teaches us that what we believe about ourselves is our greatest protection. It shows us to project self-respect and walk tall thereby creating a position of strength and reputation that is sensed by those around us. Skunk demands respect by attracting others with their charisma. On the other hand, they stink out and repel anyone who seeks to take energy from them without recycling the gifts they have given. It can also come with a subtle warning to be responsible and respectful of your sexual energy. The message is, project respect!
If any of this doesn't ring a bell please ignore it. But i figured no harm in putting it out there since you asked.
This is interesting stuff,not easy to find(I think)
Lol,that sounds like a Pisces description...haha.But anyway,I do enjoy drawing to be honest.I am very easily influenced by people,I can take on their way of talking or their moves,which *****...I don't want to feel like a chameleon...As for intuition...hm...sometimes my dreams do come true.Maybe it is just coincidence?I can't know for sure yet.
The month of the leader huh?If anything I wouldn't want to know that I am to walk a lonely path,XD.Why should it be lonely?I've always dreamed of finding my soul mate,so that's kind of...disappointing,haha.But you never know,just because it says so doesn't mean it will definitely happen.
I don't dream about animals for some reason.While I do like them,I don't have a very strong relationship with them like some other people have,I also don't have pets so I am not very close to them.
Now that is a very interesting case...yes,I do lack self-respect but I believe in also being humble.I don't generally like people who act like they own the place or their vibe is that kind,XD.Nor the too much pride vibe.Of course I may be misunderstanding...
