I feel so alone and hopeless

Violette said:

Hi all!

Its been a while since I last visited this website but now I feel so down I ask you again to give me advice regarding my life situation. I try to describe it the best I can but maybe my charts give better insight of my problems.

I've always been very introverted and difficulties with communicating and letting people close to me. I tried and tried to be more open to the world and meet new people but could never make lasting connections. There were some people who told me many years ago they thought I was their "lost twin" but after these years everyone changed and there is barely anything to talk about. Around this time last year I lost my high school best friend to coronavirus and I feel so much regret because the past few years since she got married we barely talked anymore. I think everyone's life progressed somehow but I just remained the same and I don't know how to change myself to have a normal life too. I never had any long term goals, even tho I try to set up some from time to time but nothing really interests me. I thought that if I find a partner it would be easier but all my past relationships failed and I have zero hope I find anyone anymore. For some reason Im attracted to liars or get into dysfunctional long distance relationships. Im not interested in getting married and having a family. Basically I have no interest in doing anything at all. I lost motivation in my work as well.

Im not close with my family either. Im a very late child and my opinions never mattered, they mostly forget about me and it hurts me so much I actively avoid family meetings if possible. They blame me for being so reclusive but they never accepted that Im not extroverted and outgoing like all of them. I think some of them still couldnt accept my existence even tho Im already 34 years old. For example whenever my dad tries to call my name he mistakes it for one of my 2 sister's name and sometimes he cant even correct it. My sister named her daughter a very similar name to mine and now they accidentally call me by her name. My sister's birthday is today and everyone sent a message in our family chat group, meanwhile my birthday (last december) was not mentioned there and some of them even forgot it. It is the worst on Christmas because there is always someone who accidentally forgets about me. I know these are little things but there are many of them and so hurtful because makes me feel I dont matter. Whenever I speak they interrupt me and only talk to me when they have to or want to ask me to do something. Everytime we meet I have to pretend that everything is fine with me and Im sick of it. We never talk about problems here and they wouldnt know how to deal with it anyway. I dont blame my parents, we have a huge age gap and I believe they tried their best and they thought the best is to hide problems and pretend that everything is fine. I have a strong feeling that I was an unwanted child and turned out to be someone who they would rather hide and not talk about. Im so different and cant find my place there and sadly it is true for any community I try to be part of. I always wanted to belong to a group that accepts and likes me as a second family but I have never found a place like that. My hobby is online gaming and there aren't many of my age group anymore because people have families and real life responsibilities unlike me. I feel so old and boring among these young people I play with.
I have no idea why I came to this world, what my life goal is, because I literally just exist and wait for the day it all ends. Im not suicidal I think it makes no sense because one day I will die anyway so might as well see if I find a reason to live but its been so long. Sometimes I have better days or it is just because I find something to distract me. I feel so guilty too for feeling this way because people have way bigger problems and that is part of the reasons why I never really talk about how I feel. The other reason is that no one cares. I should feel grateful for the things I have but I dont know what to do with my life. I feel there is nothing left for me and I reached a dead end.
Thank you for reading it and if you can give me advice.

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There's a technique to determine the Primary Motivation

Omnisphericus said:

4. The Elemental Quality of the Sign of the Ascendant is showing the type of Primary Motivation of the native.
Fire goes for freedom of action and power.
Air goes for freedom of expression and movement.
The Water signs need emotional security
Earth signs need physical security.

The person with masculine Ascendant (or majority of planets in masculine signs) speaks in active terms: "I did this to that person".
The person with feminine sign on Ascendant or majority planets in feminine signs, speaks in passive terms: "This happened to me".

The Feminine signs seek advice because they need second hand in their decisions, in fact they want someone else to make the decision for them.
Masculine signs seek advice because they have many options so they are not sure which option is better.

Cardinal signs are most active. Cardinal water and earth (Cancer and Capricorn) are working great amount of actions but in circumstances and environment structured already by someone else.
Libra and Aries (Cardinal masculine) are working great in any kind of circumstances.

Fixed signs are centripetal, they need center. They are very successful in Acquisations.
Taurus hoards money.
Leo hoards glory and honor.
Scorpio hoards the hidden things, hidden motivations of other people, seek energy and vitality.
Aquarius hoards Knowledge.

Mutable signs vacillate between the two: cardinal and fixed.

5. Examine the planets which most closely aspects the Ascendant. These planets add to the whole Primary Motivation thing.

Planets aspecting the Ascendant represent powers the native can use in the world.

The aspecting planet's local determination will be added to the Primary
Motivation.
(Venus in 5th will add love for pleasure and entertainment to the native's Primary Motivation).

The aspect between the aspecting planet and the Ascendant tells you how the being of the planet and its local determination are linked.

6. The Ruler of the Ascendant by its house position tells you where (what area of life) the native will seek to realize his/her Primary Motivation.

Look also at all 5 dignity rulers in the place of the ASC. The Almuten and Exalted ruler are lamost as significant as the domicile ruler (sometimes even more).

The Ruler of the Ascendant (as well as the other rulers) by its nature and zodiacal state shows the methods the native will use and the success or failure of the drive.

This is great quote by Zoller:


Lets assume that a person has Cancer on the Ascendant,
The primary motivation of this person is the Need for Emotional Security.
The ruler/s of the Ascendant and their zodiacal and local state will determine How would this be achieved.

Lets assume Moon on IC in Libra Peregrine.
Jupiter in 6th (but 7th sign!) in Capricorn.
Venus in Sag in 6th - Peregrine.
Mars in Scorpio in 4th (but 5th sign!)
Saturn (term ruler) is in 5th Scorpio Peregrine.

We can see that Moon is strong by accident (being on angle), so we can judge first from there.
The need for Emotional Security this person would seek in the home, in the place of the father. The father would be the means through which this person would try to achieve the Emotional Security.
Jupiter - the exalted ruler is weak by being cadent, Venus too. They can't produce much in giving the emotional security this person seeks.
Jupiter by universal means suggest that the native would seek wisdom, religion (and the person actually did!) but by being cadent and in fall, it can't productively give what it promise.
Mars is in 4/5th and is strong by zodiacal state, but is out of sect malefic.
It would try to win competitions, but also with Saturn in 5th will give great deal of creativity. Mars rules the 10th - creativity and looking for career, would also give some amount of emotional security for this person. But by being square with Sun in 7th it means that it will have opposition from authorities and other people in general.

The primary motivation is great deal of what we unconsciously and often consciously seek for. Once that motivation is broken or someone interrupt it, we seek to fix that in the every possible way we can do that.

I will continue with the tips in my next post.

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Violette said:

Hi all!

Its been a while since I last visited this website but now I feel so down I ask you again to give me advice regarding my life situation. I try to describe it the best I can but maybe my charts give better insight of my problems.

I've always been very introverted and difficulties with communicating and letting people close to me. I tried and tried to be more open to the world and meet new people but could never make lasting connections. There were some people who told me many years ago they thought I was their "lost twin" but after these years everyone changed and there is barely anything to talk about. Around this time last year I lost my high school best friend to coronavirus and I feel so much regret because the past few years since she got married we barely talked anymore. I think everyone's life progressed somehow but I just remained the same and I don't know how to change myself to have a normal life too. I never had any long term goals, even tho I try to set up some from time to time but nothing really interests me. I thought that if I find a partner it would be easier but all my past relationships failed and I have zero hope I find anyone anymore. For some reason Im attracted to liars or get into dysfunctional long distance relationships. Im not interested in getting married and having a family. Basically I have no interest in doing anything at all. I lost motivation in my work as well.

Im not close with my family either. Im a very late child and my opinions never mattered, they mostly forget about me and it hurts me so much I actively avoid family meetings if possible. They blame me for being so reclusive but they never accepted that Im not extroverted and outgoing like all of them. I think some of them still couldnt accept my existence even tho Im already 34 years old. For example whenever my dad tries to call my name he mistakes it for one of my 2 sister's name and sometimes he cant even correct it. My sister named her daughter a very similar name to mine and now they accidentally call me by her name. My sister's birthday is today and everyone sent a message in our family chat group, meanwhile my birthday (last december) was not mentioned there and some of them even forgot it. It is the worst on Christmas because there is always someone who accidentally forgets about me. I know these are little things but there are many of them and so hurtful because makes me feel I dont matter. Whenever I speak they interrupt me and only talk to me when they have to or want to ask me to do something. Everytime we meet I have to pretend that everything is fine with me and Im sick of it. We never talk about problems here and they wouldnt know how to deal with it anyway. I dont blame my parents, we have a huge age gap and I believe they tried their best and they thought the best is to hide problems and pretend that everything is fine. I have a strong feeling that I was an unwanted child and turned out to be someone who they would rather hide and not talk about. Im so different and cant find my place there and sadly it is true for any community I try to be part of. I always wanted to belong to a group that accepts and likes me as a second family but I have never found a place like that. My hobby is online gaming and there aren't many of my age group anymore because people have families and real life responsibilities unlike me. I feel so old and boring among these young people I play with.
I have no idea why I came to this world, what my life goal is, because I literally just exist and wait for the day it all ends. Im not suicidal I think it makes no sense because one day I will die anyway so might as well see if I find a reason to live but its been so long. Sometimes I have better days or it is just because I find something to distract me. I feel so guilty too for feeling this way because people have way bigger problems and that is part of the reasons why I never really talk about how I feel. The other reason is that no one cares. I should feel grateful for the things I have but I dont know what to do with my life. I feel there is nothing left for me and I reached a dead end.
Thank you for reading it and if you can give me advice.

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Violette said:

I have no idea why I came to this world, what my life goal is...how I feel...

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JUPITERASC said:

So you're needing to discern your goal in life?

There's a technique to determine the Primary Motivation
"...The primary motivation
is great deal of what we unconsciously
and often consciously seek for.

Once that motivation is broken or someone interrupt it
we seek to fix that in the every possible way we can do that..."

Click to expand...

Chrysalis said:

Your "home life" paragraph was much larger than your former one. This suggests to me that it's your family that is the main cause of how you are feeling, and with Neptune on the IC, this reiterates this.

Neptune on the IC is where you felt invisible to the rest of your family, and you feel victimized by your family. You have Neptune trine to your Moon, so this wasn't any bad upbringing, where your parents were drunk or on drugs, etc, like Neptune 4th house can bring, you just didn't feel a part of your family and felt 'invisible'.

But regardless of this, you need to embrace your aspect and if you want to retreat, retreat. You need a peaceful, tranquil, serene home environment. Harsh, unsympathetic living situations aren't for you. You are very fragile to any home life situation and this will affect your career if you let it. And what are you currently doing? You're gaming at home to avoid the realities of the career world and the outside.

But what you should be doing is putting this Neptune victim mentality to one side and use the Virgo polar axis and maybe try and help others in some way, instead of playing the victim. Neptune trine Moon is good for caring for the sick, weak, or injured or caring for people who are down on their luck, or even just some charitable intentions. This will help remedy your Neptune IC aspect.

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quietgta said:

Hi Violette,

I am still very much a novice in reading charts but just wanted to say I understand a bit the feeling of feeling 'invisible'.

You have a lot of energy in your 4th house and family/home life with your Sun/mercury/saturn/uranus and Neptune. So your identity, thoughts and fears/insecurities may reside within your family and home life.

I feel like Moon in Virgo could be prone to overthinking, and in the 1st critical towards self, along with Pluto+mars in 3rd-overthinking? You must think a lot. Don't be so hard on yourself. If you do, do it in a helpful, constructive manner to build yourself up and possibly help others. I would say find a balance between helping and structuring yourself, finding the activities and hobbies you do love and understanding yourself better+ family. (this of course is a communication that goes both ways) Maybe you might feel or do better overall when you balance a few of these things, and finding your personal space/sense of self and what this means to you to better understand others. Good luck, stay strong.

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wilsontc said:

Violette,

You may already be aware of this but in modern astrology there is a VERY easy way to determine your life goal: look at the sign and house of your North node northnode. Your North node is in Pisces (spirituality) in the 7th house (relationships) and 8th house (transformation). This shows that your life goal is to transform yourself through spiritual relationships. That means your answers DON'T lie within you and focusing on how YOU feel, it means your answers lie OUT THERE in the world becoming aware of OTHERS and how THEY feel.

This is challenging, since your planets are at the bottom of your chart, indicating you naturally focus inward. This, combined with the many challenging connections to your Moon (emotions) in the First house (being), suggest you naturally have strong, very personal feelings.

While Pisces IS associated with liars it is also associated with spiritual people. Maybe by joining and participating in spiritually-focused groups (NOT cults) you can get in touch with your spiritual side and this will start attracting the sort of relationships you need to develop.

Wishing You the Best,

Tim

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Violette said:

I thought the ascendant is just a mask
and how other people see us and not a primary motivation.
This is a new approach for me.

The ruler is in the 4th house

which means family.
I dont really want to do anything with my family and I dont want to have my own family at least in a traditional sense.

Maybe in my case it has to do with

other meanings of 4th house.

Like learning to have emotional stability while being completely alone (?)

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Professional standing and professional abilities

Violette said:

I thought that the North node shows a direction where the soul is going, but it is a long term goal and may not come up in current life or not in focus.

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