Will I ever find what I'm looking for and HOW

I posted my birth chart taken from Cafe Astrology (if there's a better website let me know!) and I was hoping to get some insight into what would be a good path for me. I'm at a cross roads right now. I'm newly out of an abusive relationship and I don't know where to go. I spend most of my time running from experience to experience, good or bad, but I'd rather live through terrible things than be bored. I've had fantasies of running away and exploring different states or parts of the world, and growing up I had untapped dreams of being a singer or an actress or something glamorous. I am very talented, creative, and smart...but terribly shy and unmotivated with low self esteem and a general fear of other people. I sometimes feel like a walking open wound. I've gone through too many unfulfilling jobs, and 2 bad relationships. I just want to figure out where my life is going, or if I'll ever find real happiness. It isn't hard to keep me happy, it's just I've had a lot of bad luck. I have a dependent personality and I think I attract toxic people because of that. Sexual abuse has also followed me since childhood, in random encounters, so I'm wondering if there's something in my chart that indicates that? Or maybe that's also more bad luck? I know I create a lot of problems for myself and I contradict myself a lot. I've never done anything like this before and I apologize for ranting. Basically....help?
 

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waybread

Well-known member
I agree that the charts are more legible at www.astro.com (look for the free charts pages.) This one is sort-of legible although I'm having trouble locating the house cusps. But-- a really important question is whether your chart is based on an accurate birth time, or whether it is an estimate. This matters greatly for setting your house cusps.

It does look like you've got Saturn square your sensitive Cancer sun. Saturn often shows where and how we feel inadequate and not good-enough. The sun gives your identity or sense of self. If we put these two together, you could easily suffer from a lack of self-confidence, or the feeling that there is something intrinsically wrong with you.

(This doesn't mean there is inherently wrong with you, merely that you are probably wired to feel that way.)

In the choice-centered astrology I practice, you can begin to work with your horoscope to find more empowering interpretations that are nevertheless consistent with your planets' core meanings.

So, for example, Saturn is also a big asset in gaining self-discipline. As I read your OP, self-discipline seems like a quality you would like to develop. And Saturn has some help, with its favourable aspects to two very energetic planets, Mars and Pluto.

I get the feeling that, for most of your life, you've denied your own internal power. As a child, of course, you didn't have the power to fend off abusers. This may have led you to feel like a powerless person.

But a principle of modern astrology is that either we: (1) manifest the positive dimensions of our horoscopes, (2) we manifest the negative potential of our horoscopes, or (3) we deny and suppress parts of our horoscopes that are not OK with us. In which case, the horoscope must express itself somehow, so we tend to attract to ourselves people who manifest the negative, even ugly qualities of our unwanted planets.

I think that healing will come as you get in touch with your own power, the power that "they" or "he" made you believe you couldn't have. But you can own your own inner power and live a more authentic life.

Once I know we've got an accurate, legible horoscope, I can say more about it.

With all good wishes for your healing journey, W.
 
Yes, the birth time is accurate.
And that is precisely how I’ve always felt. When I was a child I had more confidence, and I acted more like my Aquarius ascendent than anything. As I got older, I’ve identified more and more it’s my sun and became more and more insecure. Self hatred is sometimes a problem. I feel like no matter who I’m with or what setting I’m in, I just don’t belong, that nothing in particular about me, just me as a human being, is wrong. If that is how I’m wired, how do I work past it?
 
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waybread

Well-known member
If you could post your chart using the Astrodienst format (free charts pages at www.astro.com) that would be a big help, as I'm having trouble making out the house cusps.

So Saturn square sun can make you hard-wired to have those feelings of self-loathing. But more positively, Saturn can also give you tremendous self-discipline. So maybe start with some small steps that you can manage, one day at a time.

1. Can you afford sessions with a clinical psychologist? Your doctor can make a referral if you explain how you're feeling. This would be my top recommendation.

2. Read this book: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It's available on-line through Internet book sellers. There's probably a copy in your local public library branch. It has been translated into many languages. Basically, Tolle struggled with self-hatred, until some realizations and simple practices led him to a calmer, more fulfilling way of life.

3. Start each day with some simple mottoes or aphorisms that affirm who you are as a beautiful, unique woman. Then during the day, bump out negative thoughts as they arise by substituting your positive statements. I can't say which ones will work for you, but see the ones on my signature line at the bottom of this post. Given what you've written in your posts, these might be statements like:

(a) I am growing in self-acceptance and self-confidence.

(b) I am a happy, confident single woman.

(c) I see so much that is interesting in everyday life. I am never bored.

(d) " I am very talented, creative, and smart."

(e) I am a citizen of the planet Earth. I belong wherever I am.

Choose whatever works for you: you get the idea. Try taking a negative statement that you're apt to make about yourself, then re-write it as a positive affirmation.

But-- I also see that Pluto sitting right on your MC as important. You may feel that you walk around with a little sign on your head that invites Plutonian types of people or events: ruthless, bullying, egotistical, utterly unconcerned about who they crush in the process. Time to own your own inner power???

Try taking up a martial art. You've got Mars sextile Saturn in your corner.
 
I’ve heard of that book, I’ll definitely look for it!
I know sun square Saturn is a big cause for insecurity for me but I also have Moon Square Neptune and the two squares seem to effect me in a way where I don’t know where one starts and the other ends, or what to focus on to help myself. The squares and oppositions I have all tie together. I can’t be alone and I idealize love above everything else (Moon Square Neptune) and my view of myself and motivation to succeed are so stifled (sun square Saturn) that I don’t allow myself to fantasize about anything other than love because thinking about success seems irrationally far fetched to me. I’m also bored when nothing significant is going on in my life and I search for experience after experience rather then let myself be still for even a minute (Pluto opp mars) and having a relationship fills that void. But attract Plutonian types...aside from my current partner who’s not exactly dark and abusive but his Saturn is squared to 3 of my planets in synistry (so still not a healthy relationship) ...but being alone is unbearable... lol I’m a mess
 
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