Internal Conflict

I've noticed a sort of conflict within myself; that has had a great effect on my actions and how i perceive myself.

I have 3 planets (Moon,Mercury and Jupiter) in Gemini 1st house, two of which have the exact same degree, and the other which is 1 degree apart. This configuration has created a vast yearning for an active lifestyle and self-expression, I've done traveling and plan to do some more in the next few months.. when im physically and mentally active i feel very empowered.

But i also have a strong tendency to be lazy, and i become extremely distracted with higher consciousness.. i often fade out to my own world through music and literature and become very ungrounded, and although it's very inriching.. it makes it difficult to engage in the world.

I recently noticed my Sun Trine Pluto, i had never researched much into this aspect before.. but it has a remarkable resemblance to the direction i have taken with my life.. i have pursued the dark side of myself to its very depths, i welcome and embrace death and transformation as a friend rather then a foe.. and have over the past few years developed a very spiritual outlook towards life.

I genuinely feel as though i need a creative outlet, i feel somewhat lost.. caught in limbo between spirit and the physical, with no place to direct my energy. I'm still amidst Saturn Sqaure Saturn and Saturn Sqaure Neptune transits which has really thrown my life into an abyss.

Thanks.

Here's my chart with transits:

lazarusx said:

I've noticed a sort of conflict within myself; that has had a great effect on my actions and how i perceive myself.

I have 3 planets (Moon,Mercury and Jupiter) in Gemini 1st house, two of which have the exact same degree, and the other which is 1 degree apart. This configuration has created a vast yearning for an active lifestyle and self-expression, I've done traveling and plan to do some more in the next few months.. when im physically and mentally active i feel very empowered. Gemini Asc is extremely inquisitive and wants to understand everything from an early age, BUT it's restless, procrastinating and indecisive and not great on making decisions. Tends to sit on the fence quite a bit. The planets in first house, naturally ruled by Aries, should help mitigate the indecisiveness as Aries is very direct and to the point. But moon square MC shows lots of changes,vacillations.

But i also have a strong tendency to be lazy, and i become extremely distracted with higher consciousness.. i often fade out to my own world through music and literature and become very ungrounded, and although it's very inriching.. it makes it difficult to engage in the world. T Neptune has been going over your N Node and this may well be the spiritual higher consciousness you refer to

I recently noticed my Sun Trine Pluto, i had never researched much into this aspect before.. but it has a remarkable resemblance to the direction i have taken with my life.. i have pursued the dark side of myself to its very depths, i welcome and embrace death and transformation as a friend rather then a foe.. and have over the past few years developed a very spiritual outlook towards life. This is your stellium in 8th house
The Mysteries of the 8th House: House of Death & Transformation
by Carmen Turner-Schott
http://www.ofspirit.com/carmenturnerschott1.htm

I genuinely feel as though i need a creative outlet, i feel somewhat lost..[neptune responsible here] caught in limbo between spirit and the physical, with no place to direct my energy. I'm still amidst Saturn Sqaure Saturn and Saturn Sqaure Neptune transits which has really thrown my life into an abyss. this Transit can be depressive, maybe your dreams and aspirations being crushed (neptune), hard to define structure (saturn)

Thanks.

Here's my chart with transits:

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Moon in Square to Midheaven
Professionally speaking, you'll have to learn to go with the flow, as your main career may lack stability during the first half of your life. You may be a late bloomer where career is concerned, coming into full potential later in life. You can expect a strong female influence around the question of career. Ideally your career should be one that allows you a certain amount of emotional satisfaction. Real estate and all options that relate to the domestic scene in general, represent career potentials. Supportive, care taking roles are favored; likewise, those in which there is considerable contact with the public.

http://www.skyviewzone.com/astrology/aspectsmoon.htm#topmoonaspects

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This combination represents a war between the real and illusions. Practical methods may be thrown for a loop and you may be wondering what is real and what is imagined. Often what you imagine now, is not able to take on a practical reality now. The parts of your life that you need to feel secure, may not be dependable, making your feel vulnerable. It is best to try to simplify your life as much as possible. Avoid making any important decisions at this time.
http://www.astrology-x-files.com/transits/saturn-op-neptune.html

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Neptune ruler of MC placed in 8th house of 'other people's finances' could be an outlet.
Money & you
http://www.astrotheme.com/files/money_and_you.php
http://www.cafeastrology.com/astrologytopics/astrology_of_money_wealth.html
career significators
http://www.librarising.com/astrology/misc/significators.html
Professional & Destiny
http://www.astrotheme.com/files/astrology_professional_destiny.php
http://www.librarising.com/astrology/misc/significators.html
sticky in vocational astrology forum
http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showthread.php?t=32775
Astro’s vocation section
http://www.astro.com/astrology/in_vocation2_n.htm?lang=z

My thoughts and links on vocation
http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showpost.php?p=264759&postcount=7

Waybread’s thoughts on Vocation
http://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/showpost.php?p=264335&postcount=2

Career options are assessed by MC any planets conjunct, where the ruler of MC is placed, it’s aspects, then 2nd house ‘how you earn your money’ and planets there, ruler of cusp and where it’s placed, then 6th house of ‘type of work you do’ any planets there and how they are aspected.

Researching rulers of houses will help you understand more where I joining the dots so to speak
http://www.cafeastrology.com/natal/rulersofhousesinhouses.html
http://www.trans4mind.com/personal_development/astrology/LearningAstrology/housesDerived.htm
http://www.skyviewzone.com/astrology/houserulerships.htm

See-saw chart
http://www.myastrologybook.com/hourglass-see-saw-planetary-pattern-astrology.htm
http://moonvalleyastrologer.com/tutorial2.htm
http://www.skyscript.co.uk/aspects2.html
http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=PjU1ZNw93JsC&pg=PT28&lpg=PT28&dq=astrology+see+saw+pattern&source=bl&ots=eAynpIbJV2&sig=y4WltImKK07p9WsWtb52MEe7u74&hl=en&ei=nosHTI2uGouI0wTD7p1w&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=7&ved=0CDwQ6AEwBg#v=onepage&q&f=false

Caro said:

you are only young!! so take your time to decide
I have read that when you have a steillium in a sign you can actually come across like the opp sign ie sagi -which sounds a bit like you describe - sagi can be a tad lazy. (with jupiter in this stellium this could accentuate this(rules sagi)) the gemini is a restless nature.
do you have any research or sources to support this, as I've never heard this idea?
Saggi is not lazy in my opinion either.

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pisces/neptune MC I have found a fair few in the *caring professions* like hospitals, nursing homes etc

I've noticed a sort of conflict within myself; that has had a great effect on my actions and how i perceive myself.

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such is life we *all have internal conflicts* but astrology to me is a sort of psychology where we can pigeon hole 'facets of our personality' and work on them - once we are aware of them of course..

with your stellium in Gemini, if you try 'writing' as career, keep them to short stories, as gemini doesn't have a great attention span and gets bored rather easily.

mars quincunx saturn suggests difficulties in expression and could suffer in relationships without knowing why or how. it could also cause delays and frustrations, stop/go situations to.

Mars Quincunx (Inconjunct) Saturn

Your sense that only you can do something right is lodged in your imbalanced self picture. Too much work and too little spectrum of relating leaves you feeling slightly victimized by life. You create your own limits. Slowing down and quieting down helps you see this. You need a better sense of time, then you achieve better results with less effort. You can do this as soon as you are more balanced in your outlook and your judgment works in a less comparative mode.
http://www.cafeastrology.com/natal/quincunxinterpretations.html

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astrologer50 said:

pisces/neptune MC I have found a fair few in the *caring professions* like hospitals, nursing homes etc

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This in particular confuses me alot, the reason been is.. i feel immense empathy for people, especially those less fortunate and i get great satisfaction out of helping others.. people have often in the past asked me for help out of no-where.. i've been through alot of depression and issues with drugs in the past (Sun Opposing Neptune) and so i can often relate and feel compassion for those going through the same suffering, and i feel the desire to help.

But at the same time im scared to help others, i don't believe in myself enough to carry out something like that, i feel personally responsible for their well-being if i am to help them.. and that much responsibility terrifies me.

But i suppose this is something i need to work on, and have more faith in myself.

astrologer50 said:

mars quincunx saturn suggests difficulties in expression and could suffer in relationships without knowing why or how. it could also cause delays and frustrations, stop/go situations to.

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I had no idea i had this aspect, thanks for pointing it out.. this explains alot in relation to me feeling that im unable to express myself, i do often have the attitude that only i can do something right which sometimes leads towards stubbornness, especially when it comes to asking for help.

Thanks for the insight astrolger50