Before I start - please, forgive me my English since it's not my first language and I'm afraid my reply might be full or errors. Anyways - I'm very grateful for every answer someone decided to post, because it really helped me to actually understand a lot. For all this time I would just try to "calm" this boiling anger inside of me with sex, thinking of it as of medicine and not realising it's more like adding fuel to the flame, because it always seemed to work for a while. I now see that actually my mood has a lot to do with how I want to have sex and I tend to want it to be much more violent and painful when anger is getting harder to just bear with it. I'm so oblivious and dumb when it comes to stuff like this, so I'm really happy I can finally connect the dots.
(...)usually with a desire for pain with sex, one has a childhood of abuse, usually sexual. at a early age your were conditioned to experience pain and sex.
I was being molested by an older cousin of mine for 3 years before I turned 10. I never told anyone about that.
(...) this aspect will tend to draw sensitive and loving souls to you, not guys you want to give you pain (...) you mentioned how your relationships break own over your need of pain and you attract souls who don't like to give pain.
Yes! They all were very sweet people and every single one of them told that sex is too much for them to handle emotionally. I never could really understand what they mean as I have quite big problems with understanding emotions in general and they wouldn't explain their thoughts and just leave - so part of me believed it was just an poor excuse. My present boyfriend is the first one, who told me that he's giving me what I want to satisfy me, but it makes him sad, as he thinks I'm hurting inside and he's only intensifing it. He said what he does to me makes him hate himself. We were talking about it for hours and he explained in great details everything he felt and all his concernes. I think because he was crying so hard it really hit me and helped me understand it's a problem I need to start working on, because it's really affecting someone I care about so deeply.
(...)this shows both parents involved in your abusive childhood. it seems they had issues, likely violent, ad that you were made the scape goat, or rather they took terrier anger rout on you at ties .
this usually shows that your abusive family environment is generational. that is the abuse has been passed down thru the grandparents. as such this from of abuse is not recognized as abuse as it is just the way the family relates.
I often would describe to my friend our family-relationse as "Quite good roommates, who most of the time don't really want to have anything to do with one another and they always talk about unimportant, weird stuff and go on trips, where they talk about even more uniportant things...so at least it's sometimes fun.".
My father is quite cold person, who never shows affection or never told me he loves me, but he never rised his hand on me. He had horrible, abusive childhood, so I can understand why he's the way he is. He didn't even ever wanted to have a family, because he doesn't know how to take care of people, but my mom was very persistent about starting one. But I love him.
My mother on the other hand...well. She loves to make everything about her. On many ocasions she let me knew I'm the least favourite kid. Only she can make me feel like shi* in matters of seconds. Whenever I tried to express my emotions as a kid, she would let me know it's irrelevant. So I just stoped expressing them entirely. When I was 19 I was battling depression for a bit over 8 months. I felt extremely lonely and rejected. I was suicidal. I made actual plan how and when I'm going to kill myself, but I knew it's not normal, so I tried to tell my mom about it and her answer was "Stop with this bull***. What problems can you possibly have?! I have real problems. You have no right to feel that way". I saw I need to take care of this myself or I'm not going to survive next week. It has deepened my aversion toward her. I can think of quite a few times when she was physically violent toward me.
...but again, she's a very delusional person. A couple of years ago I realised that during one conversation I had with her. I saw she simply can't see her hurtful behaviour. So I decided to accept her the way she is, try to fix our relations (not the emotional ones...I just don't trust her anymore) but I want to live in peace and talk normally about stuff, so I forgave her, now I just don't pay too much attention to what she says and just live my life.
...And she had agressive father and very selfish, inconsiderate mother, who still constanly hurts her...so I kind of understand why she wants to focus all the attention on herself, because she was neglected as a kid and now looks for what they never gave her.
My mind just isn't able to comprehend how accurate everything you wrote is.
this pattern also can show you to be bisexual because of you enjoyment of sex.
I'm straight, but I've had a couple of one night stands with girls. Just because I was single, extremely horny and they were eager.
as what to do..... that is very difficult to say as it is likely all these abusive experiences are repressed as your moon is conjunct to orcus. your mercury is trine to Jupiter which gives you good intelligence and it might allow you to remember your past. the only suggestion is to seek counseling. or find a peer group were you can talk about your feelings.
That's the problem. I'm so scared of opening up to people. My boyfriend offered he'll go to the therapist with me to make sure I'm comfortable, but he doesn't know I was being molested as a child. It would break his heart if he'd ever found out. I don't want to hurt him even more. I think I'll need to find some group on the internet, because I really would never be able to talk about any of it with anyone, who knows or sees me.
Anyway, thank you very much. Sorry for such long reply, but I was just so excited that it just makes sense, that I couldn't stop myself from writing. I can't believe you actually saw all that in there somewhere. That's just...shocking and amazing.
Thank you so much for your answer and I'm so sorry for taking so much of your time. But what you wrote is really very helpful. I'm really grateful.
