Just my Sun-Moon-Asc combo alone is difficult for me in general because I’m a Scorpio sun, Aquarius moon, Capricorn ascendant. Sun conjunct my venus and I’ve always wanted to express myself artistically in an intense and passionate way, but Capricorn Rising kinda blocks that I have to keep cool, calm and collected mature facade and a detached attitude to my own emotions and vulnerabilty is influenced by Moon. Aquarius is also ruled by saturn traditionally. I literally come off across as eccentric, aloof, restricted, conservative, put-together, and overall repressed. People also tell me that they literally don’t know what to expect of me sometimes because I seem to keep it all hidden behind this rough exterior which is pretty much very Scorpio sometimes. Not even my family sees the passion and fire I have within me, and sees my sometimes bubbly behavior as immature, superficial and “not me” as they would assume, when in fact I really have an energetic and imaginative inner child within me. They seem to don’t know how to accept with me because they always me as someone who should be mature and behaved all the time.
But I find that all of that really comes down to the Saturn’s influence in my chart. It IS my chart ruler, it’s in Fall (Aries) and in an anaretic degree in 4th house. These are all “negative” or rather “uncomfortable” positions of Saturn.
Sun is opposite Saturn. 10th house-4th house axis. Sun-Saturn aspects always does repress one’s expression or personality. I want to be the director of my own life. I want to lead my own path and not be tied down by any other opinion, idea that does not resonate who I really am in my core, but I have responsibilities in regards to home matters and family, as I am the eldest child and is expected to be the next breadwinner and take over the finances (Saturn 4th). With Cap rising and Saturn 4th, it really makes sense why my parents places all those responsibilities and expectations on me. In opposition aspect, I still struggle to balance those responsibilties and expectations with what i really want to do and what i aim for in life (Sun 10th), career wise/life purpose. I don’t know if those responsibilities are actually tying me down or holding me back, or I’m still having to learn how to take responsibiltiy either of my family or my own life.
Saturn is also in very tight square to Neptune, which is in capricorn in 1st house. To me this really states that I struggle to get grounded with reality soemtimes. Ideas and inspirations never see the light of day because they’re always hidden and never manifested tangibly. I also see this as someone who has trouble taking responsibilities because of high escapism tendencies. Fortunately, I don’t take resort to drugs or alcohol for that. But I find that its a good outlet for my artistic tendencies. Sometimes, spiritual matters or tendencies can be a way for me to escape reality, and I’ve learned the hard way that I should be more careful with this.
But its actually funny that with all these Saturnian lessons, 4th house lessons, 10th house lessons, My Sun sabian symbol (5 Scorpio) represents a “massive rocky shore resists the pounding of the sea”. Seems like Saturn is building me up with real strength and willpower. It all connects together, y’know. It’s fascinating.
