How to deal with my emotional pain? (Long post

Alright, well I would like to start out by saying that I have a deep wound stemming from a betrayal of people I thought were my friends, and the feelings of anger/sadness from that led to me feeling repressed because due to the circumstances I wasn't able to do anything to "avenge" what happened. I have had to just hold in all of the emotions that it caused within me, I don't really have any support system, I only have 2 people i'd consider friends, one I barely ever see and the other can't really understand where i'm coming from because we haven't had the same experiences. It appears like my entire world view has changed, but I don't think It's because of the intense anger/sadness I've experienced, I believe it's due to seeing the harsh realities of the world we live in. The main thing I wanted in this life was love (a relationship). I have had many bad experiences with girls though, my first heartbreak was when I was 13 years old, and I used a very well known herb to help me deal with the sadness, it made me not care, but even after I got over the heartbreak I continued to use it, eventually that led to me using harder stuff which led to the deterioration of my mental health and depression so I decided to stop using, however I turned to pharmaceuticals to help me cope with my regret/depression from the time I used to what I had become, the pills took away my depression but they numbed me, I did things I wouldn't have normally done and made mistakes I probably wouldn't have made had I now been numbed and dumbed down by the "happy pills" I was taking. I completely lost my trust in the pharmaceutical industry so I stopped taking prescription drugs to deal with my depression/anger/stress/unable to focus/insomnia, and I started using a different herb because I was unable to sleep at night, I was extremely angry/irritable, and the herb helped put me at ease, for the first 2 years or so it took away most of the anger I was feeling and I was able to sleep great however it came with the side effect of feeling content with everything, I have finally decided to quit taking this herb because it is no longer effective at what it was doing for my anger, when it's effects wear off I start to come back to reality, and realize that not everything is fine, and that I am not content with my life. I am now 22 so I have been using different things to help me cope with my emotions for 9 years now, and I think that it would be best for me to completely stop taking everything and just take the pain, I know it will be rough, especially for someone as emotional as me but I think that maybe in the long run it will help me. My deepest wound was inflicted when I was 18, the anger I have is the most troublesome emotion I have, I don't really feel sad, however I think that maybe my anger is a defense mechanism to save myself from feeling sadness. I know that there are many stages of grief, anger being one of them, my theory is that if I stop taking everything it will allow me to get through through all of the stages of grief so I won't be stuck on stage 2 (anger). I seem to have lost the desire to be alive, mostly because I can't live life the way I want to, I feel like I am a caged animal that isn't able to live to his hearts content due to the circumstances which I am in. I really want to move on in my life, I will never be the same but the intense anger and it's side effects have really taken it's toll on me. What would you guys recommend? How can I move on? This anger is an obsession. I can't seem to let go, even though it's been nearly 5 years since the triggering events caused it. Do you think I will ever get better? Or do you think I will always have to carry this burden with me and just cope with it as best as I can? Do you think my plan about getting off all substances so I can face my pain is a good idea? I'll post my chart below.

To feel like you want to quit numbing your pain and let yourself feel your emotions takes a lot of bravery. It is a really good thing that you are willing to begin to do that at such a young age.

You have your north node in Scorpio, that means that what you want to do now is exactly in alignment with your life path. You are supposed to learn how to transform your emotions and rise like a phoenix from the ashes.

We are all programmed at a deep level with a self-image up till the age of twelve. When someone triggers painful beliefs from our childhood, we believe that the person in front of us is the cause for our pain and that the person is the one that can save us. When we find someone who can give us what we are longing for and who has the traits we repressed within us as children we feel whole with them. We can become severely obsessed and just as addicted like a drug addict is to heroine. Did you know that all addiction is caused by feelings of inner loneliness? What you really need is to feel real intimacy.

After a heart break you can focus on healing the wound that has been brought up and also try to become a little bit more like the person you obsess about. I have noticed that I am attracted to creative and outgoing people who like to be in the center and shine, since I have repressed that part within me. I am learning to shine more and more with age.

You have your chiron in your fifth house just like me, I recommend this page about chiron:
https://fifthhousesun.net/chiron/

Start with expressing your anger. You can write long angry letters to the people you are angry at (but don´t send them). It has worked for me. At first I am very angry and write hateful things. Then I go through many different emotions. I feel sad, I miss the person, I feel sorry for the person for being so broken, I feel like saving the person, I feel lonely and so on. I express it all through writing and share every thought with the person in my letter and I cry when I feel like crying. Eventually I begin to see the gifts I have received and all that I have learnt and I write about my gratitude and insights as well and then I cry because I feel so moved by the beauty of it all. You have Venus in Pisces like me so I imagine that you are capable of having those kinds of moments.

You can also go out in a forest and scream, go boxing, go running and so on if you feel anger boiling within you. Ask your body how it wants to express the anger, what do you feel like doing?

When I have healed something within me, no one can hurt me through that part of me again. If I heal it partly, I meet someone new who triggers the same wound but it hurts less since it is not as deep anymore and I have the opportunity to work more with the same wound in my self-image.

I know my wounds very well now and it makes my life free from drama. I do not try to change other people. I take responsibility for my choice to stay with someone or leave someone and I own my emotions. And I always know that I will eventually let go and I will eventually feel love again with someone new. My methods have REALLY helped. The people I have in my life today and the people I meet are VERY different from the people I used to associate with. Life mirrors our self-image to us. When you evolve, your social life and your relationships will evolve as well.

Treat your emotions like you would treat a child. When you feel pain direct your attention inwards and tell your inner child: “Are you angry? Are you hurting? I am here for you and I will stay present with you no matter how much pain you feel and I will take care of you. I will not abandon you and push you away by using pills anymore”.

Do you know why animals have a remarkable capacity to heal from trauma? It´s because they express EVERY emotion they feel. They shake from fear, they jump from joy and they don´t repress anything. Humans have a lot of things, both painful and wonderful things stored within the subconscious part of them and what we need to do is to free it all. It´s the most difficult path you can choose, but also the most rewarding.

Your biochemistry has been affected by the meds and the herbs, so everything you will feel does not have to do with your past. It will take some time for your body to find it´s balance again. I believe that you are a creative and driven person and you will begin to feel that more and more the more you let go and free yourself.

Hi Guywithawierdchart !!
I am a vedic astrologer .So i recast the chart into vedic format. The position of the planets may therefore vary.
When you said.. 'Do i have to carry this 'burden' all my life? ' .. i knew your Ascendant is Aries Bharani the bearer and that is true.
Ascendant Aries Bharani the bearer.. the beginning of creativity. The person who 'bears' everything. If the Almighty has given you a burden to bear, then you will be equipped with the tools as well.
Just give me a minute..will continue

So the moon is in Uttarashada..the latter unconquered one. The autumn of life will be your best years. This star will conquer all hurdles and emerge victorious. In hindu system, this is ruled over by Lord Ganesha who is the remover of all obstacles.
The difficult part of your chart is the Rahu Ketu(Something like North and South node). The Ketu(South node) is in Taurus Kritika the fire power in the 2nd house and Rahu is in Scorpio Anuradha the benevolent one in the 8h house. Now in the early years, there may have been optimism and energy which may lose power over time as one is moving towards water based emotional energy. Scorpio Anuradha is very good un sensing the undercurrent. Almost like a blood hound. The instincts are bang on and they are very intuitive,good judge of people. So the life path is to travel towards this. The second house to 8th house teaches us that the real value of anything is not in wealth but in emotion. This is the learning. Human life goes through many different paths and one can master his path if he knows what it is. In the current path known as 'anima'.. which is the joy of being 'small ', one is forced by others to 'feel small'. Believe me, they are not doing it on purpose. That is the path for you. (I have the same placements, slightly different). So when one understands and accepts this path, to leave all ego... then one is blessed with emotional wealth and satisfaction beyond expectation.

Any more questions?
Do as your spirit wills ! God bless !