Your right, it is pretty incredible how changing my perspective impacted the type of relationships I’m attracted to and who I attract. It was a long and very gradual process and I could go on into endless layers of it…I would say, a lot of it comes down to: Boundaries, self-love, values, and assertiveness. I credit the Venus trine Pluto transit in helping me along on this path as well as some terrible abuse that really forced me to face my own role in the pain I was going through. The problem wasn’t only the disconnection- but attracting really abusive and aggressive partners. Allowing myself to be firm in my boundaries and values- and being more assertive about it in relationships was a first step.
That right there is reclaiming your Mars!
I also practiced difficult situations with other men- training myself (it’s a soul muscle) to act differently and react from a place of self-esteem. The price or sacrifice of that was being alone and losing people but gaining back my self-respect. And the hardest part has been seeing my own…Ugly aspects.
It’s still a process but I’m happy with the progress and willing to pay “the price” for the sake of a long-term change. What really helped me was allowing myself to be vulnerable and honest. I feel with Pluto there is always a fear of attachment and intimacy combined with a yearning for it.
Again, a reclamation....
So…I learned that real power lays in being “weak” and vulnerable and opening up to people. So being honest with my own Shadow and with others has helped. That being said…I am who I am and will always be prone to the same type of difficulties in relationships- and will keep desiring what others might deem as…. Not their cup of tea.
Unless you have a relationship with someone who likes the same kind of tea.
So you see…. I’m torn between surrendering and not wanting to have a huge set back with this new relationship. Being careful. I want someone who will help me continue to grow but not step on the same healing wounds over and over.
It's not really an either/or choice. You can surrender but still be in control. Going where the winds and currents take you--in this case, in the relationship--doesn't have to mean, and shouldn't mean, giving up your autonomy.
the question is: Is this a relationship only focused on that healing and going into dark corners of our psyche or can it offer the other side of Scorpio- that is Taurus: A home, stability, warmth, and security. I’m asking because as part of my journey I admit those needs for me are very strong- yes that includes physical security. It is all great to swim in the waters of Pluto but eventually, a soul needs a place to rest. Long-term relationships can’t survive on ONLY constant psychological digging and turmoil. The funny thing is that so far- we both feel like what we want from each other is actually that “home, warmth, family, calm”. Almost as if…Being both Plutonian it creates a space free from it? If that makes any sense. It also feels more platonic/spiritual and very idealized.
Of course you also need safe and secure space, and need to have that with each other. That's the only way the Plutonian work can be done.
This is making me think of when, several years ago, I had hypnotherapy. The hypnotherapist refused to address any deep and painful issues with me the first session, saying it was better to start with making hypnosis a safe space. That first session, he just brought me into it and painted the picture that it was a safe, loving, and healing place, and focused on the positive. In later sessions, when I did confront the darkness, he always started with a drawn out bringing me into the healing space. In retrospect, I realize that was how he set me up to heal, instead of just go into the dark space and not come out.
That's also where I'm getting the picture of "surrender but still be in control." If you've ever been hypnotized, it's like that: you're surrendering and letting someone else tell you what to think, but you still have control. You can disagree and resist if you want to. Same in sexual acts. Same in relationships.
Astrologically, it makes perfect sense that you both need security from each other--moons conjunct each other's Venuses in synastry (wider orb between his moon and your Venus, but still arguably a conjunction); composite moon conjunct Venus; composite DC in security-oriented Taurus; composite sun in Cancer. He in particular needs security from a relationship: DC in security loving Cancer and moon on the IC. Since your seventh house rulers are in earth signs, it's apparently no less a need for you.
Oh wow yes he does have lots of Pluto! I thought he was more Neptunian/Jupiterian at first.
If his surface personality matches your DC's rulers, it makes sense that you're attracted to him. (And didn't you once say you don't like Pisces types? Sounds like famous last words!)
I did notice he has Sun square Neptune which for me is always a fear that I’ll attract someone with addictions.
Does he have addictions? Sun square Neptune doesn't guarantee it.
If he doesn't have addictions, or if he's had them but gone into recovery, that's proof that he's done some conscious work around that sun/Neptune square.
I do think it’s cool he has a Moon in Taurus and Venus in Scorpio…Sounds like I’m his type.
It's an interesting dynamic. On the one hand, you have those Moon/Venus conjunctions, his moon in your sun sign, your suns trine, his sun in your rising sign, and ascendants in the same element... all considered to be "good" synastry placements. But then you have an opposition between your moons. That could manifest as different kinds of needs for security and emotional safety--not insurmountable, but something you need to be conscious of and communicate about.
Actually, so far my concerns (If I’m not wrong) relate to a more Neptunian nature: I feel he is over-idealizing me and he says that he worries he won’t be good enough for me. That’s the reason we didn’t get together at first. So I do all I can to be as imperfect around him Lol. Or is that not a red flag? I get it, we both come with our pain and previous disappointments. I just don’t want him to be under any illusions so we can both be honest.
If you're showing him your imperfections and he's still there, it's fine. He might still idealize you in some ways, but that's a pretty normal thing to do when in love. If he can accept your imperfections and still idealize you... I would call that love. With a good dose of reality.
Speaking of Mars issues- if it’s such a part of the puzzle how come it has no aspects to it in the composite? I Keep reading that is really bad.
Composite Mars does have aspects: an out of sign but applying sextile to Uranus, and a quincunx with the sun. Depending on how wide you cast the orbs, Mars is also part of a yod: could be a leg of a yod pointing to the sun, with Uranus as the other leg. And it's right on the IC, which tells us that Mars is at the foundation of this relationship.
Pluto conjunct the first house and square Venus and Moon: Reading it indicated abuse and a narcissistic partner dynamic.
Being on the Ascendant does it mean other people are going to see us that way and try and abuse/struggle against the relationship?
After all this, do you really believe cookbook astrology? It's written for the lowest common denominator.
People who do not consciously work with the Pluto-shadow are going to have horrible dynamics if Pluto occupies such a key position in their synastry or composite. For those who are conscious with it, it's a blessing. I would take Pluto in the first composite house to mean that this relationship is focused on working with Pluto. Which we already know it is.
You mentioned Saturn in the 2nd house conjunct Neptune: Lack of money? Unrealistic money? I suppose it can also be about values and roots on a psychological level? What am I missing?
In a relationship chart, I would put more weight on the self esteem/personal values meanings of the second house, because that's such a key building block of any relationship. If it gets serious enough that you merge finances, that would be an eighth house matter, because shared money is.
Your composite second house placements do have an opposition from Chiron in the eighth. If there are any money issues in this relationship, that's where I'd expect it to show up. Does one of you make significantly more than the other, or come from a much wealthier background? If so, how does the other person feel about it, deep down? That's where sense of inadequacy (a second house thing) and insecurity would be likely to arise in relation to money.
And…the irony of us being not different and so similar is that we come from different backgrounds educationally- could that be a big problem or in “soul mate land” it doesn’t matter that much?
It's only a problem if you make it one, and making it one stems, like everything else, from not approaching it consciously. If you both just coast along on whatever unconscious assumptions you have about your respective educational backgrounds, it would become divisive. If that difference is something you both acknowledge, celebrate, and consciously work through any insecurities, assumptions, and so forth that arise, it's fine, and will enhance the relationship.
In that respect, it's just like an intercultural, interracial, or interfaith relationship: those kinds of relationships work if both parties are open, accepting, willing to work through any differences, and not sold on the idea that they can only be with someone who shares their background. In that case, the difference enhances the relationship. But if people are closed off about it, it doesn't work.
But before meeting him I thought maybe to balance my nature I need someone very light, optimistic and not intense. What do you think? Or is it like avoiding my true need in relationships?
Someone very light, optimistic, and not intense would enable you to avoid your real need. You need someone who can go into the shadow with you, and come out the other side with you, too. Judging from his chart, so does he.
Indeed. 
. Is that part of the "healing" in this relationship? I also noticed he has Chiron in the 5th house while my is in the 11th! Another mirroring aspect? 
and can relate to how that plays out for my Mars in action. I gues...He might want to act it out through his focus on home. 