The story
The story in full:
I had a very karmic life purpose and I'm not sure what to do as I feel I failed in a disastrous way. First things first I have a very good third eye and good psychic powers-- I've always seen things and had premonitions. I was specifically warned in a dream NOT to abuse this. I did. The following ensued.
Dark illogical and all over the place, everything I aspired to never be, caused by repetitive misuse of third eye power gaining secret knowledge I could not translate into real life.
I have repeatedly in my life sold out my integrity to look good. I don't know how to proceed from here. I learned I might have aspergers which I've always been profoundly embarrassed from I feel, like I always felt like I needed to prove myself. That said however it was never debilitating. Always been extremely narcissistic, possessive and easily embarrassed. That said it was never ever something that I couldn't control, always had many friends and fleetingly managed even to be popular despite being a little weird, it just made me a lot more intellectually mature than emotionally. I never even found out until I was 20. But god gave me beautiful dreams to help me understand myself:
Dream of being in family cabin. I look outside the window and see my aunt and my deceased dad talking in the middle of the street. It's overcast outside and my cousin is inside with me. I ask her if I can go outside and see my dad. She says no, but I can show you this. She brings me downstairs to a door with a pentagram on it that simultaneously spells Astel which is apparently Hebrew for lazy. Inside the dark room is my father with a stripper on a pole. He signals for me to shh. --->my dad reaped benefits for being "****** up" without necessarily being ****** up and used his words to make himself look good like I do. My aunt actually told me that he used to go to counsellors and say he raised everyone in his family by himself when really they raised him. I relate to that. My cousin Sarah is bisexual and perhaps represented sexuality/ambivalence. The pentagram spelling lazy represented me being too lazy to care for myself/becoming dependent on tarot etc.
Dream of the most beautiful dazzling blue sapphire in the whole entirety of existence swinging from the heavens, stars fly towards me and a beautiful, beautiful godly voice says "the fruit of a blue sapphire yields a strong will to go on". (Self evident: wisdom about the situation will inspire me to continue and clear bad karma. Morality and justice. Mental clarity. Being in charge of ones own thoughts and therefore ones life)
Town elders are talking to me in the desert as I drag a body in a wagon down to the sea. They say "should we let her live or drown her alive? The choice is yours." I wake up. (A few months later from this dream I had a choice to either stay living with my mom or to choose to listen to the advice of my friend heather/teachers just to impress them and go to live with my aunt. I chose impressing my friend/going to social services instead of living with my mom who had briefly relapsed into her codeine addiction in a very minor way after her brother and father both died in the same year.)
I go into my household basement and see my mother and brother having sex on the couch. The both signal for me to shh. (My brother really did end up marrying a girl 10+ years older than him.)
Dream of being alone in desert wearing white robe, I swallow a lizard whole. (Unsure, maybe how using tarot cards was a way for me to kind of subjugate sexuality into a false spirituality, the lizard representing vital impulses. Also possibly the ability to regenerate when everything is lost. Also possibly my use of coverups to hide what I'm really feeling/thinking.)
In high school I developed close bonds with my teachers after my friend kind of shunned me because I was overly dependent on her. She told me that I had to seek help about the problems I was facing at home instead of bothering her and advised me to consult a teacher I trusted. The thing is, my problems at home were a little fake. My mom had previously suffered an addiction to codeine and I was alarmed to find a bottle of codeine by her bedside after her father and brother both died the same year later. I still sought out an emotional connection with this teacher I admired because I was troubled by the situation and lonely and unsure how to proceed with making friends, I felt my friend who abandoned me would bad mouth me to the school and ruin my chances of having other friends. So I literally chose my ego over staying with my mom so she could heal.
I am too socially conscious to make many other friends in high school and befriend another teacher who I guess sees hanging out with me as a kind of charity. I don't see it this way at the time though and just go with it. I am a bit snobby so being alone doesn't bother me because I just assume upon moving out I will make new friends. I eventually make friends with this girl named Kyndra who has an eating disorder which I'm naive to. When I find out I follow an ed recovery account on instagram just out of curiosity one day. She notices and stops talking to me and I become ashamed and employ the greatest cover up scheme of my life and decide I too would have an eating disorder. Just want to assert that I had some dignity before doing this. It was just very hard for me because it felt like my first good friendship in years and now she was gone, too, because of my immature recklessness.
That summer in between high school and my extra year is the best summer of my life, I spend it by myself and meditating and running and doing yoga. I'm really inspired by my vision of me being a teacher and helping students be their best selves and healing from issues that were holding me back. I forgive my mom, I forgive myself, and I develop a little bit of a sense of humour about the situation as a whole.
I move away and I see a guidance counsellor just for some paperwork and she tells me her brother died and he shared the same first and middle name as my dad which I take as some kind of sign from god that I should confide in her. Instead of telling her "hey I'm faking an eating disorder to look good in case people say I tried to have one and didn't respect the validity of real live eating disorders", I tell her I have an eating disorder and talk to her most every day expecting it to be ok since apparently there was a sign from my dad signalling me to. Eventually it ends up that her husband thinks I'm gay for her because I have poor boundaries and suddenly all the dreams I had come rushing back. I decide to move away. I am kind of obsessed with weight/eating but not in the way someone with a real ED is but as a distraction, not a coping mechanism. Also I really did used to have an ED kind of but I think I was actually just misinformed about nutrition. When I was 14 I used to only ever eat 1200 calories a day and cry if I went over but by this point I was 18 and had new feminist, left wing values which I showed off with pride. I definitely flaunted my morals. I had gained like 25lb in the years after, which obviously I lost after I pulled this "let's redevelop an eating disorder" stunt. The guilt is eating me alive inside at this point and combined with the sexuality accusation (ps I've always identified as bi but never came out because I was afraid ppl would think I was in love with my teachers-- clearly hinting at my subconscious acknowledgement of the underlying Oedipal complex thing.
I end up moving home with my mom again. My mom at this point is taking care of a girl named Dorothy who has Down syndrome. this girl is in love with my mom romantically. I remember looking into her eyes which are very unique and wide and thinking immediately about Oedipus the king. Around this time my sister reveals she thinks I could have aspergers. This is true but it has never stopped me from having a pretty good social life except for being a bit sexually inhibited. Anyway this is definitely my WAKE UP CALL to what I've made of my life through competition and rivalry and moral ambiguity. Feeling like I could use a new start I move to another province. It's around this time I become obsessed with the cards bc I get obsessed with how other ppl perceive me. I use the cards to try and read people's minds. Of course, if we read one another's minds all the time, we'd find ourselves alienated from our friends and family. That is exactly what began to happen.
So I move out and I begin to use aspergers as an excuse and I've become a bit morally ambivalent after dabbling with restrictive eating practices that went against my original diehard feminist mindset. By the way, this was originally a cover up for the fact that I tried to copy a friends eating disorder and I feared the social stigma of doing so. As I become more ambivalent I care less about the integrity behind what I do. This becomes evident as I have a dream after coming to a new workplace that my boss (whose name is Barbara which is my moms middle name) tells me I stole a bagel. The background is black. I say "but I have aspergers." I keep repeating as she continues to deny my excuse, "but I have aspergers."
I have a dream a blue being of light approaches me and informs me that my third eye is too open. I continue to have dreams like these throughout this year, reflecting situations around me that I have choices in and whether I'm making one for the better or worse. I repeatedly warned about the eating disorder thing because it's a useless distraction I'm just using to feel better about having lied and to take some stress off tarot.
It gets to the point where my obsession with cards leads me to confuse reality with intuition. I start to notice things happening at work. I admit I have a crush on my boss. I know right away this is the same pattern as before. Instead of listening to my rationality or morals, I consult the cards over and over compulsively to rid myself of feeling bad about my obsession. Kind of like hiding a vice through false virtue. (The lizard dream.) I don't realize this is translating to real life and I act kind of shy and bumbling around her and other people pick up on this and it becomes a workplace joke behind my back.
Meanwhile as I use aspergers as an excuse with my boss, I am also missing shifts and being late for work because I'm drained from being obsessed with these cards. Like I'm doing it on my phone and I'm just constantly refreshing all these different oracles. I feel empowered by all the information I'm receiving and I'm literally inundating myself with it. Which is why this story is so chaotic because I seriously misused my powers. It wasn't about forging connections with others, my journey with tarot, it was about narcissism/needing the security of knowing what other people thought of me and what was going to happen next. Basic root chakra things.
My boss talks to my sister about my erratic behaviour and also because I'm starving myself at work. They want to figure out why I'm doing this because they think it's "for" somebody else when really I'm just trying to find something focus on besides tarot cards.
As my dependence on these cards grows so does my obsession with my boss. Day staff says I shouldn't work with her because I guess I get flustered and can't work as good and I guess my boss also avoids me because, well, that's creepy. And even the cards tell me this. But I keep pushing because I only believe in the cards when they tell me what I want to hear. My dreams are seriously so predictive at this point I will see situations unfold the next day as I dream the night before. This goes on for a year. There are signs. Pans and pots fly out at me at work from nowhere. There's also a gravestone I pass every day on my way to work that says "Astel" just like in my dream.
Anyway eventually I get suspended for a week because of being late etc and I feel very strongly in my heart this is my time to rectify myself and grow up and I'm so grateful for the opportunity. I also get deadly sick with a fever so bad that I can't move or do anything and I feel like this is cleansing and I'm desperately trying not to use the tarot again. I go back to work ready to act like a sane adult. I remember the degree of integrity called upon me by the blue sapphire dream and try to live up to it. I'm not getting a lot of shifts because of the rumours and I'm pretty sure my boss is involved with my family now because of my laziness and someone probably mentions something about why I'm not getting many shifts. It's because of my obsession with my boss that we aren't meant to work together and they try to "prove" this by cornering me into situations where I have to admit things.
Meanwhile my dreams are desperately trying to warn me to ground myself in reality and that all this will pass if I stop what I'm doing now and move on. I don't listen and forge ahead.
(SCARY PART) I go to sleep one night and dream I'm half human half cat and wake up with my eyes and ears burning. I consult the tarot and it tells me "pig" etc. Being half cat represents abusing intuition. I'm repeating to myself mentally "satan satan satan lucifer lucifer lucifer" and I manage to break free and think "sandalphon" which is apparently an angel on the tree of life who helps you ground yourself. I'm terrified and sweating and I try to close my eyes and envision Jesus. I hear a voice inside my mind laugh and say "not right now, you raped Barb. And now you must pay. Going to the gym was for her. You can look but you can't do anything about it." (Which was how I felt the further I got into using tarot to "see" what was happening around me.) it said "tomorrow you will see." And an image flashed in my mind of birds flying in a certain formation in a certain tree. I'm super upset and I say "I'll make any sacrifice not to have to pay in the afterlife". I'm starting to become aware people are thinking I'm crazy. I think to myself I can always move far away where people will know I'm normal. I feel horns grow from my forehead in my half sleep half awakened state. I think no, and I try to push them back in but the grow out longer and into tentacles. I push them back in again.
Walking to work the next day I see those exact birds in that exact tree that exact way. I get a bad feeling.
I mention having gone to the gym that day at work and this guy who is trying to coax an answer out of me says "she's saying that because I'm here" to see how I react. Then there's these two gay girls kissing outside and I ask about them and this guy says "maybe youre into that." I make the mistake of saying "what the ****" and he goes "that proves it. That is what it is. I'm going to the head manager. All of day staff was here too so everybody knows". I hear in my head my deceased father start to cry and say "no, how can I tell you this is The Devil Reversed". He calls the head manager in and tells her about my behaviour. I overhear my sister on the phone later discussing it and apparently they want to bring it to court. Commence meltdown. My suspicions are confirmed by this happening and I find it hard to not act resentfully to this boy after this happens making it all the more evident he struck a chord.
I had no idea about reality hardly because I was so obsessed on reading people's minds with tarot to try to spy on them and make sure they weren't treating me like a child. Obsession led me to this point. I had virtue that turned to sin. I could have been a good person. I hurt my family by acting out. I reversed the worlds-- I paid for mentally "raping" my boss by being punished in the physical world. I feel like the pentagram in that dream I had is upside down. There's no way I can turn that allows me to be honest with either others or myself anymore and least of all be taken seriously.
I dream that a family of demon aliens tells me I wasn't from this planet and that I was going back with them now and to ease into it. I have restless sleep the next few nights.
Other dreams I've had as a child: 1. I'm pacing the ledges of a well. Inside the well are dozens of babies shoes. I ask my mom who is standing on the ground alongside why so many shoes are in the well. She says those are the shoes of children who have fell in and died there. I say oh, ok. I fall in and wake up in Misty's Pokemon training gym. (Perhaps my obsession with understanding my subconscious leading me into falling into the well so to speak and drowning in it and waking up and having to learn how to swim again guided by childhood figures.)
I am painting and I go to drink a cup of water and instead I drink the dirty paint water I put my brushes in. (Allowing negative media to influence me... eg listening to Lana del Rey thinking it's normal to fantasize about old people.)
I feel like I was supposed to heal my mom in this life by going on to make something of myself after realizing I had this Oedipal complex, not sink further into it by misusing the same occult powers that could have guided me for good to try to gain personal power. (Represented in the dream in my family cabin where I look outside and see my aunt and deceased dad talking but I'm told I can't go out there, and then the pentagram separating my dad and I and simultaneously spelling Lazy--> becoming dependent on tarot cards.)
I want to make it clear my intentions with my boss were never sexual. I admired her and wanted to be her favourite and I imagined we had an intimate bond but I never ever consciously pursued it, it was the rejection of it from my conscious that crept up on in me in the form of telling me I was a mental "rapist" that threw me off. I guess going to the gym might have been for me to "prove" to her I had an eating disorder which I knew she doubted. I have always just been obsessed with social strata. I think obsessing over the dream that was meant to give clarity to this situation accidentally made the subconscious overtly conscious and made me feel more strongly sexually than I would have otherwise if that made sense. Like literally I would never actually have wanted to have sex with her it was just a metaphor for the emotional/mental intimacy I desired
I was trying to reestablish the connection with my mom that I felt divinely guided to make this year. I wanted to and felt guided to reunite my family. Instead I fell down this wormhole and ended up making myself into some sort of special needs character that I could have avoided. It was lust greed and laziness that got me here.
The blue sapphire was supposed to inspire my integrity and logic to avoid this. I did not listen. Is it possible I really went too far into the dark side. I feel like every time I go to sleep and wake up I actually lose some knowledge I had originally gained. I pray for salvation for myself and my family.
I realize how disjointed this all sounds and I feel like I can't make this make better sense right now. I'm just saying things were supposed to be one way and by disobeying god I made myself into a retard and hurt my family instead of mending it. I see that my father went down this same path in some ways. It was his inheritance that I should learn from his mistakes and correct them.
My family knows I faked an eating disorder before because I had felt very very guilty about it and wrote it in a journal that my mom read. but I felt like it was a "sign" I was supposed to talk to the guidance counsellor that time and I was trying to cover up my social insecurity. My family also knows I did it again up here but it was seriously just because I was experimenting with different things and not taking anything too seriously. I did want to look good to others but. I don't know I'm so confused. I feel like I used to have perfect clarity and now everything's a mess
