I feel like my very form of communication sabotages me.

I have a hard time speaking and when I do I tend to come off as crude, mysterious, and I don't say much, I like to stick to the point. People see so much in me and most of it seems to be what they have decided what I am. I blend into others images of me very easily. I find myself being serious, yet I want something more creative in my life. I am desperately trying to find myself. I want to heal. I have a hard time letting people into my head yet I want the closeness I see in some with their friends. My own friends have stabbed me in the back, because I am easy to walk on, I play the victim too often. WHY? Am I capable of being strong with my words? My image?

I want to pursue an art. And I am not sure which. I see images or flashes of what i could paint or dance or say that seems very ideal, beautiful...real.

I have always fantasized about being a dancer, singer, painter, astronaut, farmer, herbalist, criminal for good like Robin Hood and Nelson Mandela, or a bad *** who can do amazing stunts like Tomb Raider (grew up watching the video game). I've always have been a Tom-boy, soccer, football, fights as a kid, riding jumps with homemade 4 wheeler, and dressing simply. I find myself feeling different from most women (maybe that's the media influencing us.)

I also have a difficult time letting go, and I want to know why, mainly with my first boyfriend and all the wrongs every done to me or those that have left me. I feel pain every time I am reminded that time really does exist. It isn't just a ticking noise that i can either pull away from or just not look up to. I've always hated the idea of time. And money. I can live in my head a lot of the time and I do the strangest things and I enjoy hanging out with old men. I have often wondered if I have lesbian tendencies, and now Id like to just think that I am neither straight nor gay. I want to live outside of the box.

I am afraid of social interactions and I want another way to communicate that doesn't involve drinking, giving myself to them physically, or turning my back on what I truly want. I want to cooperate yet I feel that I don't belong in a lot of society. I want to feel apart of a group of equals.

If I have something to offer I want to know what the hell it is. Because I am feeling stuck. What does my chart tell you? What do we have in common? What will help me feel secure?


How else can I tell my story?

Maybe the first thing to do, is just relax around it a little bit. Your Mercury (communication) and ascendant are in Sagittarius-- this sign is notorious around the zodiac for speaking bluntly and sometimes even tactlessly. Yes, you can try to be more sensitive to other people and look both ways before speaking, but the up side of this placement is that people with the moon in Aquarius generally have lots of friends, regardless of how the rest of the chart plays out.

But Holy Toldeo, GB91: you've got that very close stellium of Pluto, sun, and Scorpio! Intensity-R-Us, no? With the 11th house of friendship involved, you are not interested in Friendship Lite. You need to have a fair bit of intensity in your life, and you may be hard on friends who cannot provide that sort of "quality experience" for you.

I think you do have artistic ability, with your domiciled Venus in Libra trining your domiciled Saturn (traditional ruler) in Aquarius, as well as your moon. Venus-Saturn can also give you the self-discipline needed to convert art into something more than just a good idea. Venus rules your MC (10th house of career cusp) and conjuncts your MC.

This bodes well for a career in the arts, or in some type of crafts or design activity (something like jewelry-making, interior design, graphic design, &c.) Are you a university student, or is this an option for you, so that you could major in something like studio art, or graphic design?

I don't know if you are still living in Moab, but it is a kind of Extreme Sports Central. So long as you put safety first, surely you have ways to exercise your dare-devil (sun-Pluto-Mars) nature through outdoor activities.

Is there a way to combine your interests? Designing outdoor wear and gear for women? Success in any field requires a huge amount of patience, deferred gratification, and self-discipline, so see if you can stick with one or two fields and then put the rest into your "hobby" category. So often with the arts, people need a "day job", so this is also something to consider.

Fortunately you are living in a time (even if you are still in Utah!) when people are freer than they have ever been to define their own sexual identities. For you, it may work person-to-person, rather than category-to-category.

Hi, do you live with your parents? Do you work? Do you go to school?

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I think that your sun/saturn aspect is very interesting and unique. Is your sun/saturn Quentile? If so, Saturn/Sun quentile is "the spiritual drive to transform limitations on free will, principles of right and wrong and the one's experience of structure and personal limitation".
http://www.alabe.com/quintiles.html

I'm sorry but you are asking for a full analysis of your chart. Unless an astrologer here uses a computer program to write the report, but that's not real astrology. Its far more than you can expect someone to do for you in a FREE forum.

You have asked too many questions that would take a professional astrologer a lot of time to trace down each one.

Perhaps you could be a little bit more specific, and ask just one question.

Hi. Yes you are capable of great strength, both in communication and general presence. I think this is a case of having more power than you can cope with at the moment rather than not enough, but this will get easier.

Mercury in Sagittarius is part of a configuration which suggests a very powerful mind, involving Jupiter, Uranus and the Moon in Aquarius, with Uranus exactly on the Moon/Mercury midpoint. This probably says a lot about your dislike of money and time, because there is an emphasis here on needing to be free to expand your consciousness. Jupiter in Virgo in the 8th feels a little trapped in this regard, but it is the Sun Mars Pluto conjunction that really makes you feel held back. So there is a tension between the Sagittarius/Aquarius part of you that needs freedom, and the Scorpio part of you that brings an awareness of the limitations which fate imposes upon us.

The 11th house can be to do with enjoyment of culture, or with societal reform. It could be that you would benefit from being part of a pressure group of some sort, where people bond through being of like mind, and there is less pressure to be entertaining. This chart has a very revolutionary feel to it, as illustrated by your fantasies connected with Robin Hood and Mandela. I haven't seen Mandela's chart, but his early terrorist leanings, and the strength of character he showed in government, both suggest a strongly Pluto or Scorpio character.

People with the Sun closely aspecting an outer planet tend to take longer to find a.sense of solid individuality. Its important to try to cultivate this so that you can express Pluto energy more consciously and creatively, and in a way which is personally fulfilling. The power of that conjunction is immense. I think that art which carries a strong social commentary would be really good for you, especially with the Mercury configuration mentioned above.

As you say, you need to communicate, but are not in a position to relax into social interaction yet. You speak your chart with unusual clarity. It was great to look at your chart in the light of what you have said. Imo you have a massive voice and an important role to play in your community, society and humanity as a whole. Try not to burn yourself out once you get going!

And the letting go stuff is also Pluto/Scorpio. You invest so heavily and so if you don't get a good return it hits you hard. These experiences can teach us "what supports us when the things we thought supported us don't support us any more" but we have to let go to get in touch with it - emotionally as well as physically.

gonebad91 clearly is looking for a way to shape an identity. Early 20s with much life ahead. I caution gonebad91 in looking up to people who aren't all the public make them out to be. I consider Mandela to be one of those people gonebad91 should question.

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It may seem strange but some Mandela-like person (at least your perception of, social reformer/educator) is what I see in this chart as the end result. Quite possibly you need to experience the dark side of life first to get there. You may also need to work on your communication as you say, to be more uplifting and inspiring (and forget about time and money, Saturn concepts).

I'm not an astrologer, and so far I've generally avoided commenting on other people's charts. But I do want to start engaging with this community more frequently, so...
When I saw gonebad91's chart I was also first struck by the things others have mentioned. Primarily the Sun/Pluto/Mars conjunction in Scorpio, 11th house. Wow. And because the question was about communication I was focused on her Mercury and 3rd house... Mercury rising... Telling. Jupiter (lord of mercury because Mercury is in Sagittarius) is the highest planet in the chart, in it's most comfortable ninth house. The 3rd house cusp in Pisces again brings us back to Jupiter (co-ruler of Pisces). But also to Neptune in the first house, very close to Uranus - an aspect that makes me think of humanitarian revolutionaries, and so it's hard to get away from this theme of wanting to better the world through rebellious or even revolutionary acts, as most posters have been hitting on so far.

gonebad91, on the Pluto conjuction (Sun/Pluto/Mars) I'd say this - and remember, I'm not an astrologer, and I'd advise you, as well versed in astrology as many people on this site are, to always only take away what seems positive and helpful. Don't feel beholden to something that feels wrong to you just because you read it here. (Sorry, but I feel the need to make this qualifier. I've been wary about making comments on other people's charts...):
At its best the Scorpio/Pluto energy is about transforming the bad stuff into good stuff, though generally through deep, difficult, and probably painful experiences. It may seem like a silly metaphor that won't speak to you, but I always think of Darth Vader. Darth Vader turned bad, and then he had all this power. He went around killing good guys for a living, wore all black and utterly transformed his body (into more machine than man). But in the end, he is transformed by the love he feels for his son, and he kills the biggest bad guy in the universe: the Emperor. That is, he uses his power to cleanse the universe of its greatest evil. Again, maybe it seems a silly metaphor, but I think you have the best and worst of Scorpio expressed (mythically) right there.
So of course I'm not suggesting you're anything like Darth Vader. That's just a myth. An archetype to get the point across. But it does make me think that with all that powerful Scorpio energy in the 11th house - the house of friends and community - you may want to find greater depth in your friends, greater power and purpose in them, then they actually want for themselves. And maybe, subconsciously, somewhere inside yourself, you have the great fortitude and emotional power to be one of these people who gives yourself to others - to become very vulnerable to them - in effort to help them become better.
Your chart is different than mine, but I do feel a certain sympathy with this Pluto/Mars energy. I have a lot of planets in Aries (ruled by Mars) in the 8th house (Scorpio house) and Pluto is in my first house (Aries). So there's a kind of Pluto/Mars theme going on. And I find in my life I want people to be better than they themselves often care to be. I open myself to them wanting them to prove that they're good enough not to "stab me in the back." Also, while I've had too many acquaintances in life to remember, the people I'd call true friends I can still count on two hands - and maybe even one hand. If I look at myself that tells me I have very high standards for genuine friendship. I demand a lot of goodness and intellectual and emotional depth from a friend. In some way, perhaps you are the same??? Behind those painful experiences with friends you've been having, there may be a genuinely soulful, beautiful effort on your part at effecting your capacity to transform others for the better.
That said, as a matter of moving forward in life, given our chart and what you've written, I would strongly suggest getting better acquainted with your inner Saturn and doing some conscious work to think about emotional boundaries between you and others. For the sake of emotional survival, it's good to recognize that if you're giving too much and being "stabbed in the back" it's best not to give so much to people who may not respect it. With Scorpio energy, I imagine, the best thing to do is first establish genuine trust in a relationship, and then give all that wonderful stuff you have to offer. Even Jesus said "don't give your pearls to swine."
But again, I don't know you personally, so only take this for what it seems worth to you.

gonebad91 said:

I want to pursue an art. And I am not sure which. I see images or flashes of what i could paint or dance or say that seems very ideal, beautiful...real. I have always fantasized about being a dancer, singer, painter, astronaut, farmer, herbalist, criminal for good like Robin Hood and Nelson Mandela, or a bad *** who can do amazing stunts like Tomb Raider (grew up watching the video game). I've always have been a Tom-boy, soccer, football, fights as a kid, riding jumps with homemade 4 wheeler, and dressing simply.

Click to expand...

This seems a particularly important part of your post.
Looking again at your chart I realize that Venus is right there on the MC, at the top of the chart. That suggests to me that where it comes to making your mark on the world you should focus on the creation of beauty. I suspect this chart of your life will be most fulfilled when you strive to transform the world through beauty. Art. Dance. More so than through the violent acts your Mars/Pluto conjuction might at times draw you to. (And when I say "transform the world" that doesn't have to be on a grand scale. That could be just the part of the world you inhabit.)

And so, in defense of Blacknight's discussion of Nelson Mandela which the moderators deleted for being off topic - I think the initial thought of Blaknight's was very on topic. Looking at this chart, it seems pretty clear to me gonebad91 might have to think about the uses and effects of violence in life. There is a tendency even in this post to suggest violence may be a way of transforming things for the better, and that is a dangerous temptation that's going in the wrong direction. For your own chart, I'd suggest (Venus near the MC, the higher forms of Scorpio) but also for humanity in general.

Isn't it more important what you say, rather than how you say it? People might misunderstand what you say because of how you say it. However that doesn't make what you say wrong. Just work on people skills. Try to understand others. You will see that others have feelings just like you, once you get to know them. And other people have needs just like you, also.

WAYBREAD- First of all THANK YOU!
My Sagittarius traits are distancing people from me? I always thought sag was optimistic with a grand vision and joyful and had a deep voice.
I really AM intense, even when I try to be carefree. Friendship lite? You mean light friendships right? I do expect a lot of loyalty in the very least honesty and even that seems rare to come by. I like to get really personal.
Make my artistic ideas a reality. I sway from wanting to paint, to take pictures, to dance, make food dishes, clothes, a beauty tool of some sort, etc. In other words I desire to create a beautiful invention that is beneficial for everyone.
I was majoring in Recreation Resource Management, then I realized that this is only going to sentence me to a life behind a desk telling others how to enjoy themselves. NO THANK YOU! I had two years completed before I really thought about what I was doing. Ive been out of school for a year now. I am planning on returning to school.
Is there another way to express SUN-PLUTO-MARS stellium in scorpio other than extreme sports? I’m sure there is. Probably just extreme anything and yes I go to extremes. I like to mountain bike but the bike I was using was a bribe for my “friendship”.
I like the designing clothes idea, right now I work at a coffee shop so mainly I just clean, make drinks, and talk to people.
As for the sex orientation, I feel you are correct.
Thank you again.

BLACKNIGHT- Hey, I live in my own apartment with my husband and two- year- old daughter. I work part time at a coffee shop, I also do odd jobs like buck hay, make bread and pies, help others with work, babysitting, those sorts of things. I stopped going to college a year ago when my security crumbled. Husband and I separated, I was looking for a new place, and I was embarrassed to show my face at my community college so I failed two classes. Thank you.

DUBYADUDE1986- I am not sure if my sun and Saturn are quintile, not sure what that means but I will find out. That description sounds exciting. Thank you.
Zirathu- I was hoping that my array of questions would spark other individuals. If I could ask you one question it would be. How can I better channel my communication and where would (house)my communication serve me and others most? Thank you.
MIQUAR- I THANK YOU!
Thank you for letting me know I can speak well. How do you exercise a powerful mind? I need to be free to expand my consciousness. How can I be free from a world that is created and functions on time and money? Jupiter is in a sign of detail and analysis, when it wants to have free flowing thoughts that ever expand like a ripple in a pond right? Virgo is more like a zen garden. How does the Sun Pluto Mars make me hold myself back? Is it ego? Friendship? Sex drive? I could see these things holding my mind back. So If I can compromise my sagittarius/aquarius and scorpio to a middle then I will find something more sound.
I like the pressure group, what kind of groups would fall under this category? I’ve recently started a women’s group. I see myself enjoying others cultures and trying to change the one I currently live in. Especially our eating. I like that there is a revolutionary feel to my chart. I hope I bring about good change. I need to learn to speak effectively with my adversaries/opponents.
This helps me understand that sense of loss. Pluto does signify loss correct? I will study pluto and see how I already express it and how I can in other ways. Art that carries a strong social commentary. Like paint something then add a caption to it that targets our society? I like the sound of that. Does this mean society as a whole or stick with my small town?
I lost my first love when he moved away 8 years ago. I still feel strongly attached to him. And I haven’t spoken with him for almost a year now. I think of all of those that I have lost often and I hold their memories close. Almost too close.
I really like your response, I feel motivated and relieved! I was convinced I was doomed to have a mental disorder. Thank you Miquar.

Again.....

You talked about a lot of stuff in your life, now and in the past. I wonder if you could be a little bit more specific in your question??

gonebad, thanks for the feedback!

Re: Sagittarius. Each sign has its positives and negatives. Sagittarius rising can confer a basically happy outlook on life. But each sign including this one, has plus and minus sides. No worries-- we could run through the entire zodiac with them.

Yes-- I think friendships are important to you, but you don't want them to be superficial.

You appear to be a woman of multiple talents. I think the options are to: choose one and view the rest as hobbies, look for a career that requires you to combine some of them, or think of pursuing them sequentially. Perhaps something relating to extreme sports when you are young, but food creations when you are older. That sort of thing.

Have you thought about apprenticing as a chef? I understand from my niece (who switched from a fine arts career to becoming a baker) that culinary schools charge a lot of tuition, but oftentimes it is possible just to start with an entry-level job, and then work your way up.

(Sounds of swirling harp music, visions through the mists of the future, smells of burning incense as Madame Wanda gazes into her crystal ball....... She says,

"I see you living in a beautiful and somewhat remote place where you can enjoy mountain biking on a regular basis. Having completed a realistic business plan, you open a coffee shop, featuring your own delicious baked goods. Your art or that of local artists and photographers hangs on the walls. On weekend evenings, you feature live music, either your own or you invite local musicians. Your place becomes known throughout your region as the place to be....."

(Mist swirls higher. Fade to end of scene.)

Hi I guess you exercise a powerful mind in the same way you exercise anything - by using it regularly in a way that challenges it. However, as with any area of life, defensiveness is a warning sign that your mind is too closed in some way.

You can set aside time for reflection and learning, and worry about emotional and financial commitments at other times.

The Zen garden is a lovely image for Jupiter in Virgo.

The Scorpio stellium will hold you back either when you instinctively sense that a situation is not right in some way, or when your ego decides that it would rather play it safe and resist a transformative experience. And how to tell the difference? Ask me again in 2024!

As for your sexual life, the Moon and Venus are in air signs, and both aspecting Uranus, and the Sun and Mars are in Scorpio both aspecting Pluto. There is a very straightforward split between the values of your 'feminine' personal planets and those of your 'masculine' personal planets. The conflict between your need to expand your consciousness and your need to get embroiled in some kind of emotionally intense experience would appear, therefore, to be likely to be played out in your relationships. I.e. you might have struggled with the emotional intensity of partners at times (though as you say, you also do get very attached)

The Scorpio stellium adds an extra dimension to your being that the Mercury configuration can never give you. In a sense there is a conflict of interest between these parts of your nature, but you have already pondered some creative ways of getting them working together. The women's group is yet another one,especially as you can build up your confidence in communicating with others.

Pluto signifies loss, yes - the loss of that which holds us back. Its only loss in the sense that a snake loses a skin that it not only doesn't need, but which would damage its health and prevent its growth if it remained in place. Of course, the ego doesn't always see it this way.

How large a collective to target with your art work?. You'll feel your away along. Things will take their natural course. You will be transformed by the flow of collective energy through you, but stay centred in your own individual being while this is going on.

I hope this goes some way to answering your questions, although my sense is that you are very aware and that the asking of questions is a part of your own internal process of clarifying that awareness, that would yield the answers without help from outside. Nonetheless we're all on this planet to help one another, so I'm happy to respond to your interesting questions.

Best wishes,

BIRCH DRAGON- Thank you for all the helpful information! There is a lot to take away from this. I have recently been looking towards the more beneficial things others tell me. I can see the revolutionary persona in me.
I like the Darth Vader analogy. Although to be honest I have only seen the first Star Wars movie and the new 3rd one. So I can’t say I am familiar with it by heart. I can just hear him breathing and making one of his quote “I find your lack of faith disturbing” as he is choking a guy with his force. Ha!
I do devote myself a little too much to others troubles and I can be very intimate and honest with strangers. Intense. I understand that it’s not all about me, and I tend to dislike small talk. I have allowed others to stab me and I forgive them and most question me after that. I really want them to understand that friendship doesn’t have to be about backstabbing or material gains. We can move past that. Well when my best friend (since we were 5) decide to lie to my face about making out with my husband (we were separated at the time) I decided to push her away from me. Andrew told me the truth trying to hurt me and he didn’t. Megan lied trying to spare me and it hurt the most. I give of myself until I know it is no longer beneficial for either party. Then I slowly drift away.
How do I get in touch with inner Saturn? Look up the qualities of Aquarius? 2nd house as well? Should these be my boundaries so I can tell when someone is going to hurt me before hand? Or what hurts me?
Thank you! Sending positive thoughts your way!