Torturous Relationship – Should I leave my husband of 20 years?

WorldOfMars

Active member
Eek! I was explaining your synastry in some detail, and accidentally lost the page-- sorry. Basically I don't think your synastry is all that bad. Your suns are broadly trined, which normally confers feelings of friendship.

The hard part is probably your squared moons, which make it hard for you to be on the same emotional wave-length. Scorpio craves emotional intensity: Aquarius needs its space. Aquarius isn't even all that comfortable with emotional intensity. Neither is Gemini. She insists. He retreats into his Ice Man persona.

It's in your composite chart that we see an unholy alliance of Pluto, Mars, and Uranus square your composite moon. I would hate to be around when you two start to argue about something! Do you both set out to deliberately hurt one another's feelings?

One of the hard parts of your husband's natal chart is his sun square Pluto. He's already primed to view an argument as a zero-sum game, with a winner and a loser. Then with your natal Mars square Pluto-Uranus, you seem primed to engage in mortal combat. (A very different side of you than that pleasant Venus-Jupiter-Neptune idealist.)

I'm not seeing a super-strong indicator of divorce in either of your charts, which would be something like transiting Uranus in the 7th house. However, transiting Neptune is squaring your natal Mars/DC (assuming an accurate birth time.) While this can bring about a feeling of the marriage dissolving, Neptune is not a planet of realism. He brings beautiful illusions and bitter disillusionment, while missing the reality in between.

When it's hard to be realistic about something, maybe the best strategies are either to wait and see, or else take some steps towards independence short of filing for divorce. Maybe a temporary separation.

Does he want to lose you? If not, what changes is he prepared to make?


Hi waybread. I am so disappointed my messages are not getting through. I sent one asking if perhaps I can send you a link to a word file. But maybe that also did not get through. The details are too horrible and embarrassing to share here.

I have been reviewing the house cusps and comparing the house system with 9:45, 10 and 10:15. It seems that 10:15 has the most accurate descriptions, but I am not sure about the best place to find accurate descriptions. They vary so much. I have not reviewed my husbands yet. Do you have a favorite website for this?

Yes, we are terrible when we fight. It is rarely in front of others but others have witnessed it and we both come off very badly. Neither of us have experienced this with any other partner before. You would hate to be there. Perhaps on an unconscious level I set out to hurt him. Perhaps I don't realize it. But I do know that he used to set out to hurt me very, very badly and sometimes still does.

Zero sum game is right. He feels shut off and dismissed when I want to walk away from an argument and I try to just say let's-just-stop arguing. He thinks I am being manipulative when I do this when I absolutely am not. I just want to stop the argument before it gets ugly. I can sense when it will. But he will follow me around and around trying to force me to continue. He feels dismissed. He is always saying that I get the last word, even when I purposefully allow him the last word. Sometimes I get pulled into a fight and as usual, it escalates. That is probably when I say things that hurt. He simply cannot walk away from a disagreement of any kind. And he disagrees with everything just about. I am not Buddha. I can only take so much....but I am certain that he has a completely different view on this.

We go through phases like that where we cannot stop arguing. But then, suddenly, he has good days. And that is when I try to get my life moving forward. But it comes in fits and bursts. And then I am wounded again and it takes me time to feel like I can do anything. And then, suddenly, again, all is great. Just when I get used to it, bam, suddenly, the arguments come again. Sometimes I am just sitting there feeling good and it is literally out of no where. It's a constant rollercoaster. 20 years of it.

Now he has been good for some days and it's like a perfect relationship. Then, it becomes the like a horror show. We have lost everything in our lives because of this. Working is near impossible for either of us.

It's interesting what you say about the squared moons. It almost seems like the opposite is true. I am always retreating to my space. I think we both craved intensity in our youth, but now do not so much. We are too exhausted now from fighting.

I so wish I could send you what I wrote.
 
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WorldOfMars

Active member
When it's hard to be realistic about something, maybe the best strategies are either to wait and see, or else take some steps towards independence short of filing for divorce. Maybe a temporary separation.

Yes, I have been working on a proposal for a new job for months. I might have missed the opportunity. Our relationship always gets in the way. I am plugging away and think I will finish soon. I was not able to work for more than a week after a particularly bad episode. One that even both of us admit was all him. Bam, out of nowhere, just when I was feeling really good.

That was about 10 days ago. That is when I decided it was finally over. Perhaps if I get the job, he will be supportive, but I am not convinced of that. If we have an argument while I am working with a new team of people, it can really ruin my ability to do the job. He can be so ferocious and it can cut me to my core so that I don't act 'right' with other people. I am scared to stay with him.
 
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Sweet Pea

Well-known member
If he's been particularly bad recently, it could be because Chiron is making a square to his Mercury.... painful thoughts and words, hurt ego (Chiron natally in Aries - watch out for Chiron return coming up next year!), wanting to wound with words. :( And prior to that, but not about to repeat, Chiron was squaring his Mars, Sun and Venus. Having his Sun on his Venus-Mars midpoint, his basic nature seems to be war-with-loved-one. Love and hate mixed. Sun conjunct Mars will always find something to get angry about. It implies a strong pain-body, that can lie in hibernation for short periods of time but then erupts because it needs food. Your emotional responses (keeping arguments going) are food for this pain body. When you walk away, the pain body is deprived of food. Sun square Pluto just intensifies the entire dynamic and brings in the reptilian brain: there is an absolute need for dominance, to win and be right, to overpower and 'survive' in an ego sense.

Have you ever read or listened to Eckhart Tolle? He has the best explanations of the pain body in his books and videos. When you keep calm, you are in what he calls 'presence' or your higher-self functioning and you can just witness the exchanges of energy that are going on and try to respond from that higher level. But of course this lack of food will enrage your husband's pain-body further so he'll up the ante to try and trigger your usual emotional response. IF he's amenable, you could get one of Tolle's books or videos and share it with him so that he understands what's going on, and how he scuppers the peace between you. But a good outcome would also need him to find a healthy way to manifest this difficult chart aspect of his. Something productive that he could put his passion into and stir up his own energies....something sporty?
 

WorldOfMars

Active member
If he's been particularly bad recently, it could be because Chiron is making a square to his Mercury.... painful thoughts and words, hurt ego (Chiron natally in Aries - watch out for Chiron return coming up next year!), wanting to wound with words. :( And prior to that, but not about to repeat, Chiron was squaring his Mars, Sun and Venus. Having his Sun on his Venus-Mars midpoint, his basic nature seems to be war-with-loved-one. Love and hate mixed. Sun conjunct Mars will always find something to get angry about. It implies a strong pain-body, that can lie in hibernation for short periods of time but then erupts because it needs food. Your emotional responses (keeping arguments going) are food for this pain body. When you walk away, the pain body is deprived of food. Sun square Pluto just intensifies the entire dynamic and brings in the reptilian brain: there is an absolute need for dominance, to win and be right, to overpower and 'survive' in an ego sense.

Have you ever read or listened to Eckhart Tolle? He has the best explanations of the pain body in his books and videos. When you keep calm, you are in what he calls 'presence' or your higher-self functioning and you can just witness the exchanges of energy that are going on and try to respond from that higher level. But of course this lack of food will enrage your husband's pain-body further so he'll up the ante to try and trigger your usual emotional response. IF he's amenable, you could get one of Tolle's books or videos and share it with him so that he understands what's going on, and how he scuppers the peace between you. But a good outcome would also need him to find a healthy way to manifest this difficult chart aspect of his. Something productive that he could put his passion into and stir up his own energies....something sporty?


Wow. That was spot on. I adore Ekhart Tolle. He is my absolute favorite teacher. I listen to his audio on youtube all the time and have read his books. He got me through some of the most difficult years of my life when I almost died.

Yes, we both to succumb to our pain bodies at times. I've tried to get him to listen to Tolle, among others, but he is annoyed by them. Yet at the same time, he is growing. I long to be with someone I share these things with. But maybe that is my issues with having a too romantic and unrealistic vision of relationships. After all, he is growing.

And yes, you are right that my reaction is feeding his pain body when he is like this. I try to not react, but like I said, sometimes he won't let me. He feels dismissed and is insistent and even follows me around sometimes. This last big episode, I was able to diffuse him multiple times. He was acting almost like a split personality.

He is getting better. Do I want to deal with this forever? Will he ever truly stop? It's been 20 years.

The thing is, I was very ill for some years and when I was ill, I was not able to control my reaction very well. And that's when things were the worst. What will happen when I am older and what if I grow ill again if I cannot control my reaction? I am worried I am setting myself up with someone who will go back verbally abusing me again when I am old. He was so terribly abusive for many years. It is almost like I have absorbed it on a cellular level.

Ekhart would say to just remain present. Answers only come when you hold presence, the only place where peace lives, and to allow. It is a struggle to hold peace in a house that can erupt in war. I am not sure that this is my burden to carry any longer.

Yes I noticed that Chiron was squaring his Mercury exact at 29 degrees (is that right?). I forgot about it! I told him advance that I was worried about it. Also because he has a stellium of personal planets in Gemini, all squaring. Would his Jupiter at 29 degrees also be affected? Or would that be a positive? Perhaps that is why I was able to diffuse him. And why he was capable of apologizing the next day. Do I make any sense?

Also, our composite has a stellium in Scorpio (as well as my Natal Moon, Mercury and Neptune). The Chiron transit along with the Venus retrograde in Scorpio...could this have anything to do with it? And my rising Gemini squaring Chiron?

I really appreciate your advice. Thank you.
 
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WorldOfMars

Active member
Sweet Pea;925070But a good outcome would also need him to find a healthy way to manifest this difficult chart aspect of his. Something productive that he could put his passion into and stir up his own energies....something sporty?[/QUOTE said:
I am sorry I am responding in a disjointed way. I seem to notice different comments after re-reading. He walks like crazy, everywhere, everyday. This is helping him a lot. I think the biggest issue is that he is not working within his passion and has not been for some time. And having our finances fall apart makes him feel like a failure. Whether we stay together or not, if I get this job, I am going to help him financially support him in being able to because he can't do it without a bit of money. Good advice though.
 

Sweet Pea

Well-known member
He's a reflection of your own Mars on Descendant square Pluto-Uranus. It seems that you've gone further than him in subduing this aspect, probably helped by your Libra peace-making Sun, and of course your delving into consciousness-raising resources like Tolle.:biggrin: Your natal doesn't really have a Chiron-Ascendant square - I'd say the orb is too wide. Transiting Chiron inconjuncting his Jupiter probably isn't helping right now as it isn't a benign aspect.

When he apologizes, perhaps it's his Saturn on Aries ascendant (subduing the fire) wanting to make things right again. Plus the fact that the composite has a very nice Venus in 3rd house trine Neptune.

Did you ever work out what bad transits or progressions were affecting you both when you were very ill and he was at his most abusive? They won't necessarily arise again, or not as acutely hopefully. Having said that though, pay attention to how your husband reacts around other ill or debilitated people, or the kinds of things he says about them; that'll give you a feel (if it hasn't already) what kind of attitude he takes towards sickness and people who through no fault of their own need help. You should get an idea of whether he's evolved at all since those difficult days. You do say 'he's getting better' and that's a hopeful thing.

Neptune is currently squaring your relationship axis, and reflects the uncertainty you're feeling about this. Have you ever raised with your husband the possibility of separation or divorce, even in a general or theoretical way to test the water? Somehow I don't feel he would willingly let you go. By the end of this year, transiting Pluto will be targeting his Venus (ruler of 7th house) and his Pluto; that could indicate some kind of holding-on-till-grim-death attitude arising.

Meanwhile, you'll be having the square of transiting Saturn to your Sun-Saturn opposition. Saturn tends to bind rather than free although it can also reduce something to a level where there is nothing worth hanging on to. With Saturn transiting in your 8th house, realism about shared stuff and finances might be a considerable concern. Saturn could also make you all too uncomfortably aware of this aspect in your natal chart. It says something about a restrictive father and husband (his Saturn-Ascendant). It says that criticism and what's called 'belittling' can come from the man in your life. The good thing is that his Saturn doesn't appear to make any strong aspects to your own chart. However the composite Saturn does oppose your Sun and inconjunct your Moon which isn't too great.
 
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Sweet Pea

Well-known member
Oh god. Is this going to be bad? How long does it last?

Chiron almost landed on his Chiron earlier this year, only half a degree away. It'll be acute next April, then retrograding in October, then direct again some time in 2020. Those will be months when all-that-hurts in an ego sense could be particularly acute for him though obviously what precipitates this is going to depend upon what you decide to do. Chiron is about healing too; but first of all, the things that hurt have to arise in order for there to be something to heal.
 

WorldOfMars

Active member
Chiron almost landed on his Chiron earlier this year, only half a degree away. It'll be acute next April, then retrograding in October, then direct again some time in 2020. Those will be months when all-that-hurts in an ego sense could be particularly acute for him though obviously what precipitates this is going to depend upon what you decide to do. Chiron is about healing too; but first of all, the things that hurt have to arise in order for there to be something to heal.

I've dug deeper about Chiron return. I think I greatly misunderstood it. It says that Chiron return lasts for 8 years. I am reading that it affects a person for a period of one to two years. Do you agree with this?

So his Chiron is in Aries at 3 degrees. Mine was in Pisces also at 26 degrees. So are we kind of hitting this transit within the same years as it transits back and forth?

How many degrees away from our natal degrees does it affect us? What is the best way to view the course of transits and all of their degrees? Does it have any affect on us outside of those one to two years?



--- I am reading this from this website: https://astrologyanswers.com/article/chiron-return-in-pisces-synchronicity-where-are-your-wounds/


My Chiron is in the 11th house/12th house cusp and this description makes sense for what I am going through.
"Both the 5th and 11th houses speak to creative expression. The 5th is the more personal of the two, for the 11th relates to how one interacts creatively with friends. The 5th house Chiron has the suffering attached to being rejected for their brand of creativity. The 11th house is similar, but this has more to do with the feeling of being somehow different from other people and therefore rejected for the differences. It’s important for people with Chiron in these houses to find supportive relationships that affirm one’s creative elements. "

Yes, I am about to apply for a job with a team of people that I think I will fit in well with. I never fit in anywhere. Seriously, no where. I am a designer and creative director.


"The 6th and the 12th houses have affinities with the Virgo-Pisces axis and they actually emphasize all the themes of suffering and service so far spoken of herein. ... Chiro in the 12th needs to transmute their suffering into practical acts of devotion and consideration for others."

This makes sense too. I had severe sustained suffering both physically and socially, and I want to now do something of service for the world. I already have, but more on an unselfish level. The team I want to join is an activist team. And I have learned the hard way that I have not been playing well with others. It is my priority in my next work situation, to be more humble and an easy person to work with. I then want to study astrology in my spare time as a career later and I think I want to help people face shadow stuff and work on integration of the shadow.




My husbands Chiron is in the 1st house/12th house cusp.

"Chiron in the 1st house will give the sense of being wounded in the self-identity. Aspects to Mars can also bring that on, and for men, it can be also a sense of not being good enough as a man."

Yes, this is happening. He is feeling like a piece of **** and I know that his male identity is part of it. He has a very skewed view about what it means to be masculine. His beliefs and intellect say one thing because he is such a defender of women's rights, but his actions say another because he is so domineering. Finally, after all of these years, I believe he is realizing what I have been saying about this is true and also, that this comes from his father. (and growing up in Texas).



I think he actually scared himself when he was that abusive to me when he hadn't been in a long time. I think it made him realize how bad he was in the past. He watched me fall apart and it lasted for over a week. I literally couldn't look him in the face for about 3 days. That has never happened before. I could not hold eye contact for more than seconds at a time and this was very awkward and visible.

I was feeling so good about us just before this happened. It was completely out of the blue when I was in such aI peaceful state for so many days in a row. There was no mistake who caused it. He actually owned up to it. And it was ferocious and ab verbally abbusive. It shook me to my core.

I saw, through that one abusive situation, the way his abuse had affected me. How it always affected me. I have been waking up and my conscious was high when it happened. It was like watching a movie. I was feeling great, and bam, out of nowhere, he became psychotic. And it didn't last a short time. It never does. It goes on for hours. And this is how he was to me for years until I completely broke.

It was a while ago, but there was a period of over two years where it was twice a week. And then, down to once a month, for years and years and years. WAY worse than this. Chasing me around the house. No way to get away. Locking doors didn't work because he would kick them over and over and over again until I gave in. It was so embarassing because the neighbors could hear. Once it happened in a hotel and some man came around to make sure I was ok.

Eventually I became housebound. Unable to communicate with the world. I got ill. And then he continued, but much less frequently. I eventually got so ill and lost so much confidence I couldn't leave the house. I could not work. I lost my career. I lost my sanity. I lost my frineds and my family. We lost all of our money. And I could not afford life saving surgery. I had to have blood transfusions to save my life for another two years. And I have a very hard time forgiving him. Each episode throws a terror in me that is so deep. Even now, every time he becomes even slightly aggressive, I go on high alert. It's like I have changed on a cellular level.

But he has changed drastically. But not enough. But I do see him facing himself differently this time. So maybe the incident, the willingness to leave him even with nowhere to go (we are petsitting in Indonesia) and I just barely have my health back, and with the Chrion return in the 1st house --- maybe he is seeing himself finally.




What do you think? I am pretty new to trying to understand these things in astrology. Is this how it is done?

Please, if you can let me know how to understand the degrees of Chiron, and how far away they would be to affect us and for how long ... and where to find the degrees of the entire transit so I can keep referring to it, I would appreciate it so so much.

Gosh I wrote a lot. This formatting makes it very hard to read. I wonder if there is a way to format so it is easier on the eyes.
 
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Sweet Pea

Well-known member
Luckily your Chiron return is pretty much over. Chiron is going to return to 27.54 Pisces and then 'station' and then go direct. Chiron returns definitely don't last 8 years, more like 1-2 years in general, because Chiron like all the planets goes both forwards and backwards (retrograding). So there is a general process, but the most acute times will be when Chiron is within 1 degree of exact to natal Chiron.

So when Chiron reaches 2.10 Aries, it will start to acutely affect his Chiron at 3.10 Aries which is actually in his 12th house not the 1st, and when it reaches 4.10 Aries, it'll ease off. Note that Chiron will 'station' at 5 degrees Aries next year, and then start to go backwards which is why it will return to your husband's degree in October.

https://www.astro.com/swisseph/ae/2000/ae_2019.pdf

Chiron's transits are in the 2nd column from the right hand side of the table.

What will actually happen, and how he will feel, will depend too on what all the other planets are up to, also what his progressed chart is doing. So trying to work out in your head what's going to happen, how bad it's going to be, and getting worked up about it, is fairly futile although knowing which are the troublesome months may help, especially on the exact days. You'd need to be a supercomputer to predict it all with accuracy. And yes, Chiron can be triggered at any time by a transiting planet making an aspect to it, but a 'return' is a more concentrated "double dose" kind of experience of that asteroid and its particular effects in your chart. Chiron in the 12th house has to do with unconscious forms of hurt and harming that could arise without him even understanding where it comes from.

Have you and your husband ever thought of having couples counselling or anger-management therapy for him?

I think when one person in a relationship is waking up, evolving, it can be maddening for the unconscious complexes that rule the other person. You're not playing out the same scripts any more, that gave him his food. Tolle calls the pain-body a kind of parasitical force; it's that force that is very disgruntled, and it will act out and lash out all the more violently and blindly.

I think you can tame the pain-body of another person by giving them just so much food at a time, but no more - like allowing a little argument to happen, a little food, but drawing a line in the sand so it never escalates to real verbal violence. It means keeping a very tight self-discipline over oneself which Saturn can actually help with. Tolle explains how one person's pain-body interacts with another person's pain-body. He implies that it's part of our spiritual practice to experience these triggers from another person yet stay centred in 'presence'. Over time, hopefully, both yours and his pain-body might even shrink and require less food from each other.
 
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WorldOfMars

Active member
Sweat Pea, it is 3:30 am in my time zone. We would really love couples counseling but have not been able to afford it. I want some time to look at some of the stuff you sent. The personal advice is really good.

Waybread pointed out some things that also makes sense. I am concerned about his Thor's hammer formation, as well as the aggressive quality in myself and in our composite and synastry charts. Also the Neptune disillusionment influence.

I am also concerned about the stellium in our composite chart and in his chart because, doesn't that mean when a bad transit hits, it is compounded? When it rains it pours? I am afraid of getting triggered the rest of my life.

Also, is there anything great or good you see in our charts? I see many people think a stellium in the composite can be a good thing,

thank you from the bottom of my heart.
 

WorldOfMars

Active member
So when Chiron reaches 2.10 Aries, it will start to acutely affect his Chiron at 3.10 Aries which is actually in his 12th house not the 1st, and when it reaches 4.10 Aries, it'll ease off. Note that Chiron will 'station' at 5 degrees Aries next year, and then start to go backwards which is why it will return to your husband's degree in October.

Because Chiron is in Aries, wouldn't we also look at the 1st house?
 

waybread

Well-known member
World of Mars, I did get a couple of very brief PMs from you. Generally you just click on the person's name in any of her posts, a menu drops down, and you click on the "send PM" option.

.... Sun conjunct Mars will always find something to get angry about. It implies a strong pain-body, that can lie in hibernation for short periods of time but then erupts because it needs food.

Good post, except for this bit! I have sun conjunct Mars and don't feel this way. Possibly it's moderated by a Saturn opposition and Uranus trine. At times I enjoy a good debate, but so do students on debate teams.

I find Eckhart Tolle to be inspiring, as well.

On the other hand, I don't know that all marriages should be saved. If the husband won't change, I think there are limits as to how much verbal abuse she should have to take. It's easier to be serene when someone isn't trying to tear a strip off you.

After reading W of M's report on her husband's out-of-control outbursts, I wondered that she hadn't left him years ago-- with a restraining order, to boot.

My experiences with a family member (who is normally lovely but can become a nasty binge drinker) haven't been this bad, but they've been horrible enough. The last time it happened, I actually experienced psychological "splitting." According to his recollection, I suddenly lost touch with the reality of where I was. I still have no memory of becoming disoriented or what was said during the thick of the fracas. Sort of like PTSD. And yes, I was completely sober myself.

Ladies, we deserve better. But we have to take control of our lives for "better" to happen.
 
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waybread

Well-known member
World of Mars, I am so sorry for what you've been through. You didn't deserve this, and I hope you can begin to take steps, however small or large, towards healing.

Astrologer Steven Forrest once wrote, "No planet is in the sky just to hurt us."

I think this is true, as well of Chiron. Chiron shows us "where it hurts," both physically and emotionally. But Chiron also shows where, if we stay open to those hurts, we gain in maturity, compassion, and wisdom.

Pluto is the implacable bully, the evil force that we cannot overcome. But it also shows where and how we can be a stand for self-transformation. We can rise, phoenix-like, from the ashes.

Mars rules aggression, but it also rules the kind of spunk that gets us to assert ourselves. As another astrologer put it, fire can burn your house down, or it can warm you and cook your food.

The key is to find empowering interpretations of your planetary placements, and ultimately of life. According to Forrest, we can see planets as teachers or tricksters.

Generally you will feel a transit of an outer planet when it is applying at 2-3 degrees from exact, at most. When it is separating, it seems to ease off much faster. An inner planet seems to go a lot faster. Do you know your way around an ephemeris?

Has your husband ever had a psychological/psychiatric evaluation? Does he alternate rants with periods of depression?

In the US, there are United Way agencies that offer free or low-cost counseling services to people who cannot afford to pay the going rates. Catholic Family Services is one, and no--you do not have to be Catholic and they do not put religion into their counseling services. You might contact one of these agencies in your area.
 
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Sweet Pea

Well-known member
Hi Waybread - yes I'm sure your Mars is moderated considerably by the opposition to Saturn. I do notice you have a very competitive spirit on forums though. :wink:

Dan's chart shows that his Gemini stellium is tugged between two factors - the square to Pluto-Uranus in hypercritical Virgo, and the more benign sextile to Saturn. I also thought the marriage sounded awful, yet WorldofMars (doesn't that say a lot!) says he has changed drastically so I wondered if there was hope.

WorldofMars - interpreting his Chiron in the 1st house because it's in Aries is like adding a secondary layer of interpretation that muddies the waters because the 1st and the 12th houses are so very different. I'd stick to any 12th house interpretation you can find.

When a stellium is hit by slower transits, yes it can be a long-lasting nightmare if the stellium itself is problematic as his is. I assume the stellium in the composite that you mention is the Pluto-Mars-Uranus one, in the 5th house? That would have created a potent sexual chemistry, but otherwise it looks highly explosive. The nicest thing in the composite is, as I said, the Venus-Neptune trine. But Neptune falling so close to the descendant and also widely squaring Sun also indicates that the rosy glow is likely to wear off rather soon. It is strange that the marriage has lasted so long - do you have children?
 
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waybread

Well-known member
Competitive spirit? Competitive spirit??? Whaddya mean I have a competitive spirit??? Nobody talks to me that way! :mad:

:lol: :lol:

One thing you learn with sun-Mars opposite Saturn (and sun opposite Pluto, I might add) is how to stick up for yourself.

Which I think is a big part of the issues facing World of Mars.
 

WorldOfMars

Active member
Hi Everyone! Wow!! A lot to get through here. I love the responses:)!

We have had to move houses (we are petsitting in Indonesia) so I fell off for a bit. I will have to sift through this and absorb some of these responses.

Things are going much better–– at the moment. Yes, he has changed dramatically. I wrote to you here when he had an explosion that was reminiscent of the past. He has not done that in, well, about a year and a half. During the 2 to 3 years prior to that (3 1/2 to 4 1/2 years), they would come only a few times a year, or maybe a couple.

We have a very complicated story. It would almost seem unbelievable. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. I am nervous to tell it here. I always get lost and end up telling too much. I don’t know why, but I am going to tell it. It brings up horrible memories and I am trying to look forward, not back.

In the beginning period of our 20 or so relationship starting in 1998, he was mostly and angel. But I did see clues and also there were a few extreme and terrifying outbursts. There was also a lot of manipulation. But in between, and for the most part, he was completely smitten by me and was very adoring.

I ended up volunteering in Rwanda, Africa. This was 2003. I was offered work and was there for a while without him and I was not sure I wanted him to come. The worst had not come yet and we were getting along great. I made him promise to never call me the c*** word again and if he did, he would have to leave the country. Obviously, that didn't happen. I've been called that name hundreds of times, but not in a very very long time. I don't recall him raging for the first year or two there.

We started an advertising agency together a couple of years later. That's when he got bad. He got extra bad when we also opened a bar a couple of years after that.

Why I didn't leave is because I became very ill and did not know it until years later in hindsight. I was not able to leave the house for about a year and a half. I was so confused, I would forget why I was crossing the room over and over again. Also, his abuse affected me so much that I started to believe it all. I had reached out to my siblings and one said I could sleep on their couch.

I got some help from a natural doctor in the US and got well enough to get a clearer head. But I was still so frazzled and terrified to make a move. My confidence was at ground zero. So I propositioned him to either leave with me to the island of Zanzibar, so we could think things through, or that I would go live with my brother – which I did not want to do. That would have been another strange hell.

I thought that the job and the bar is what made him into a constant raging egomaniacal abuser. And I was not ready to be on my own.

So in 2010, we moved to Zanzibar. He woke up to what he did and felt extreme remorse. He did not rage on me at all like he did in Rwanda. But then, everything fell apart.

The island was in a complete 3 month blackout. All of our equipment broke. We lost a big contract. We were forced to start a local business to get by, but the clients paid so little. The internet and electricity was so bad that we could not take on international clients. Also, I was still ill and did not know it. Slowly, by slowly, over the next 5 years or so, we became completely and utterly poor and trapped. Eventually, the rages started again..but never anything near what they were before.

Also, I lost so much weight and became very disoriented from my illness. I dropped to a size 0 and I am 5’9”. I had uterine fibroids and heavy flooding for years and did not realize I was anemic this whole time. Even in Rwanda.

I had to increasingly spend more and more time in the house because I could not go anywhere due to extreme bleeding. And, when I was not bleeding, we had no money to go out. Going out was always disorienting after so much seclusion, so I lost touch with most friends. I would explain, but no one realized or believed how bad it was. No one believed my excuse about bleeding.

Eventually, I got a contract for a decent job. What I thought at the time was a decent job designing a slavery museum funded by the UN. He raged on me one last time and I snuck out in the middle of the night.

I stayed with someone who helped me. My relationship was the gossip of the island. Everyone thought I was the crazy one. I was a bit crazy at the time. He is such a charmer and can really control himself in public. I cannot hide how I feel. I became very bitter over the years and could not hide it. So many people thought I was the problem.

The job was delayed for months. I was almost completely out of money. During that time, I felt extra unwell and went to a doctor. She did an anemia test and I was down to a 5.6 hemoglobin level. She told me I needed emergency surgery, but I did not have the money. She also told me that I needed a blood transfusion but she did not trust the blood there.

The job was supposed to give me an advance that might take care of the surgery, but they changed the terms last minute. So I worked fervently to try and finish it. I kept swallowing as much meat as I could each month only to have my levels plummet again the next. Flooding became haemorrhaging. I cannot describe the amount, but it was horrific and terrifying.

I could hardly lift my arms up. My heart would pound out of my chest after walking only a block. There were times I was worried I might suffocate from lack of oxygen.

I was worried to ask my father for help because he was so ill. My mother had a severe stroke. I emailed my sister for help and she never replied. She also never followed up in Rwanda when I reached out for help.

After about 9 months of it, I felt defeated. I was absolutely certain that I would die alone in my bed. It was during this time that I started listening to Ekhart Tolle audios every night. I Then, after 1 year, during an even worse period, I went in for a haemoglobin test and they told me to rush to get a emergency blood transfusion. The doctor would not let me leave the hospital. I spent 3 days there and afterwards, had more energy and clarity than I had in 10 years. I finally realized why I had been sick for so long. But, that only lasted a few days because I dropped again to low levels.

My husband and I had been separated but he came to the hospital to take care of me. After that, I was afraid to live alone because I thought I might die without someone to watch me. I also worried that I could not finish my project without help. I said we are not together, and he agreed. But I knew he would try to get me back.

I remember one night, during a full moon meditation, I was floating in the Indian Ocean for about a half hour far away from the coast off a wharf just after a magical sunset. I said to the universe, ‘Give it to me. I can take it. Just give it to me all at once so I can get to the other side.‘ And so it did.

After that, we lost our place and had to sleep at peoples homes while away or in cheap hotels (all the while working 10 to 18 hour days and getting transfusions) We got hit by a 2 ton truck at full speed and pushed 60 meters.

The contract that was supposed to last a year took 2 ½ years. They greatly underestimated the amount of work and refused to pay me much more. We lived like that for another year until it was finished.

After a year, I finally had had it and directly asked my father for help. I was so stubborn. And worried the stress would kill him. (He died 2 months after my surgery).

After the project was complete, and after the surgery, I just collapsed. I was beyond burnt out and was still trapped in Zanzibar. I had serious PTSD and probably stage 4 adrenal fatigue. I kept getting weird injuries that would not heal. I still was separated in my mind from my husband and we had not slept in the same bed for years. He was bringing in barely enough to get by and pay rent in a shitty, rat infested apartment next to a disco and chained up barking dogs and black mold and so much more. We had to sign for food sometimes from shop owners.

After about a year, I realized that nothing would change if I didn’t raise my vibration to attract something better. But it was so hard in that environment. I realized that the house was my challenge. If I can raise my vibration here, I can raise it anywhere.

I started to listen to Abraham Hicks. I started to feel better. I started to feel like I used to when in a meditative high for bits and pieces. It felt like the Tsunami that I launched during that meditation a couple of years back had started to die down. There was no longer one emergency after another.

And I started holding that high vibration. My reaction to Dan raging at this time (only 3 times in that house) was completely non-reactionary. I watched him diffuse right in front of me. Not completely, but substantially. I started to see him with empathy. I saw pain instead of rage.

Esther Hicks was responsible for all of this. It seemed like the lessons I needed to learn were finding me. I randomly listened all day to her and started feeling sustained pure bliss. My health improved. And after 3 months, my father’s inheritance came in. It was just enough to escape the island. That was just about 1 year ago. Man, it seems like a life time.

I decided we should pet sit and that we should start with India…partially to slowly deal with reverse culture shock (India would be far less shocking for us than a Western country – Dan had left Africa 1 time in 15+ years, and me only 3 times). And also, India would be cheaper to live.

Dan has completely changed in this time. He is a completely different person. That is why I was so shocked by that episode. After only 1 year, I do not have complete faith in him.

I kept getting injuries from non-activity, but that is now subsiding. The PTSD is going away and my focus is getting better and better. After 4 months in Thailand, we have landed in the most beautiful, tranquil place I have ever been, in Ubud, Indonesia.

I have been working on a proposal for a big job with an activist organization that lets you work remotely and am almost done.

That episode with Dan threw me off so badly, but it also seemed to help him see himself. He has very bad recollection of what he did way back when because he was drunk so often (and drunk with power). He has become incredibly humble since then because of all we went through for such a long period of time.

Since we started this post, he has already transformed so far forward. And so have I. This is what I can’t explain about this relationship. We are just catapulting in growth, but always through arguing and upheaval. I can’t describe the speed of the quantum leaping happening here.

Suddenly, we found this fantastic house for less than $200 in the last week and everything feels-just-different. Calm even. Like the storm is over. Like home more than anywhere ever has.

That Venus retrograde in Scorpio seemed especially harsh on us, and I wonder if it is not coincidence that the calm came just after it moved to Libra.

I sometimes wonder if we went through all of that in order to dissolve our egos. And that perhaps we are throwing in the towel, just when we are nearing the finish line.

I have decided to stop trying to decide. Nothing can be done until I get a job anyway and finally, I am ready to work.

If he flips again on me, I am fairly certain that I will decide to leave. We are spending about a month apart next month while he does a petsit and I may have some epiphanies then.

I am sorry for the very long story. I just don’t know how to make it short.

Now time to scour over your wonderful astrological feedback. Thank you all so, so much!
 

WorldOfMars

Active member
I think when one person in a relationship is waking up, evolving, it can be maddening for the unconscious complexes that rule the other person. You're not playing out the same scripts any more, that gave him his food. Tolle calls the pain-body a kind of parasitical force; it's that force that is very disgruntled, and it will act out and lash out all the more violently and blindly.

Yes, during our time in Thailand, I was reaching really heightened states for about a month. On cloud 9. Dan did not have any outbursts, but was really resentful that I was not paying attention to him and acting out in passive-aggressive ways and moody. He had been dismissing astrology and the teachers I listen to claiming I was obsessed and worried about cult mentality. But, he is transforming in quantum leaps. He actually approaches me on full and new moons now about how he should do his rituals, now for the last 2 months. He is a conundrum.
 

WorldOfMars

Active member
Have you and your husband ever thought of having couples counselling or anger-management therapy for him? .

He brought up therapy the other day, once we have the funds. We went about 18 years ago, but he had manipulated the therapist. I know he would not do that now. I suggested seeing a life coach that also knows astrology. I want them to see through our bad aspects. But I had been looking up the aspects in our charts and sharing with him during October after his outburst and this seems to be helping him see himself. Something is shifting. I still think we need to see someone though.
 
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