It seems like the relationship I have with my mom is toxic. She encourages me to do everything opposite of what I'd like to do in life. I think I talk to her, gossip and complain with her way too much. It's bringing me down. Every time I distance myself from her, my life is much better, but then someone gives me a guilt trip telling me to talk to her since she's my mother and all. I really just want to cut her off for good so that I can be happy and move on with my life. Some people tell me to distance myself and maybe check on her here and there, but the minute I talk to her she just brings me back into complaining and second guessing myself. She seems manipulative and kind of like a leech. I believe she also has a drug problem. What do you guys think, would it be bad if I just cut her off completely?
Should I cut off all ties with my mother?
- Thread starter cantenbar
- Start date
Curmudgeon
Member
You are the querient in Pisces, which is ruled by Jupiter. Your mother will be the 4th house, which is Gemini, ruled by Mercury.
Jupiter and Mercury are square to each other, and Mercury is in the 8th House, which is the home of deeply committed relationships and taboo matters.
Jupiter is in Cancer, where it is exalted, but in the 5th house which can mean self-expression and enjoyment.
I think this shows the conflict: you want to express your independence, but feel you are too close to your mother to do it. I don't see any indication that she'll harm you if you don't cut off ties, but you may want to take a break just to see how you feel.
Jupiter and Mercury are square to each other, and Mercury is in the 8th House, which is the home of deeply committed relationships and taboo matters.
Jupiter is in Cancer, where it is exalted, but in the 5th house which can mean self-expression and enjoyment.
I think this shows the conflict: you want to express your independence, but feel you are too close to your mother to do it. I don't see any indication that she'll harm you if you don't cut off ties, but you may want to take a break just to see how you feel.
Thank you for your replies.
That's exactly what it is, I feel like we are too close. I feel like I tell her too much and I feel like her input brings me down and influences me negatively. I will definitely take a break. I don't feel that talking to her will do me any harm, I just feel that I won't reach my full potential if I keep close to her.
Thanks again.
That's exactly what it is, I feel like we are too close. I feel like I tell her too much and I feel like her input brings me down and influences me negatively. I will definitely take a break. I don't feel that talking to her will do me any harm, I just feel that I won't reach my full potential if I keep close to her.
Thanks again.
I understand your position. I have/had a toxic mother. She's demented now and is 92, doesn't know me any more.
From a strictly personal point of view, without the astrology(of which I can do very very well), do not cut off ALL ties to her.
While you may not regret doing so specifically with her(I didn't), you may find that all other family relationships(siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles, and even friends of her that you also know) get scrued in a way that you didn't expect. That is what happened to me.
From a strictly personal point of view, without the astrology(of which I can do very very well), do not cut off ALL ties to her.
While you may not regret doing so specifically with her(I didn't), you may find that all other family relationships(siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles, and even friends of her that you also know) get scrued in a way that you didn't expect. That is what happened to me.
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IleneK
Premium Member
The late ascending point suggests that you already know what to do. So following that, I strongly would urge you to trust yourself and your intuition.
IleneK
Premium Member
In horary, I believe that the
querent is signified by the ruler of the 1st house, Saturn, while the
mother is signified by the ruler of the 10th, Jupiter.
Querent/Saturn has little power here by essential dignity, being peregrine and also in the unfortunate 8th house. However, mother/Jupiter, in the sign of its exaltation, is powerful and perhaps has an excessive idea of how much power she wields in this matter. Amidst all this, mother/Jupiter has some modest affection for querent, as Jupiter is in its dignity by term in Scorpio. But querent/Saturn does not receive her mother/Saturn well at all, Saturn in its detriment in Cancer.
Saturn and Jupiter are long separated from a trine and do not aspect each. Moon as cosignificator for the querent, like Saturn, is also peregrine and without power, and it applies to a square to mother/Jupiter, suggesting that any coming together does not turn out well.
I'm inclined to go with querent's most fundamental gut instincts in this matter.
querent is signified by the ruler of the 1st house, Saturn, while the
mother is signified by the ruler of the 10th, Jupiter.
Querent/Saturn has little power here by essential dignity, being peregrine and also in the unfortunate 8th house. However, mother/Jupiter, in the sign of its exaltation, is powerful and perhaps has an excessive idea of how much power she wields in this matter. Amidst all this, mother/Jupiter has some modest affection for querent, as Jupiter is in its dignity by term in Scorpio. But querent/Saturn does not receive her mother/Saturn well at all, Saturn in its detriment in Cancer.
Saturn and Jupiter are long separated from a trine and do not aspect each. Moon as cosignificator for the querent, like Saturn, is also peregrine and without power, and it applies to a square to mother/Jupiter, suggesting that any coming together does not turn out well.
I'm inclined to go with querent's most fundamental gut instincts in this matter.
rafaella
Well-known member
We all have family members that we sometimes wish we didn't have to deal with. I have them as well, but I try get along. For me its easier as I live on the other side of the planet from them... 
I suppose the best way forward would be to try have a an open dialog with her and tell her how she makes you feel. Communication is a key. She may perhaps not know what impact she has on you, what she is not aware of she cannot change - she needs to understand and grow as well. So if I were you, I'd have a good honest discussion with her, without putting her down - just be honest with how you feel. Don't accuse her, but focus on 'I feel' , 'I would like'...'I feel this way when you do this'. Of course if she doesn't listen and continues her behavior, then you'll know how to go forward.
Horarywise, I'd take her to be Venus, Venus is the mother in day chart. There is a conjunction between Venus and Saturn, which is now separating. Venus translates between Saturn and Mars by square. To me this shows continued arguments/challenges. Venus is in detriment so her behaviour is really bad as you say. Saturn peregrine and in detriment of Venus - this really looks like you have a strong dislike for her, even Moon in Aries in detriment of Venus - both your rulers show 'hatred' towards poor Venus. So I'd think your own behaviour towards her might not be the best either. I wonder why your rulers, Moon and Saturn are in fall of each other, Moon is heart, Saturn the head. Perhaps its the guilt. Head might be more rational, the heart might be more prone to feeling guilty and they both are against each other.
I suppose the best way forward would be to try have a an open dialog with her and tell her how she makes you feel. Communication is a key. She may perhaps not know what impact she has on you, what she is not aware of she cannot change - she needs to understand and grow as well. So if I were you, I'd have a good honest discussion with her, without putting her down - just be honest with how you feel. Don't accuse her, but focus on 'I feel' , 'I would like'...'I feel this way when you do this'. Of course if she doesn't listen and continues her behavior, then you'll know how to go forward.
Horarywise, I'd take her to be Venus, Venus is the mother in day chart. There is a conjunction between Venus and Saturn, which is now separating. Venus translates between Saturn and Mars by square. To me this shows continued arguments/challenges. Venus is in detriment so her behaviour is really bad as you say. Saturn peregrine and in detriment of Venus - this really looks like you have a strong dislike for her, even Moon in Aries in detriment of Venus - both your rulers show 'hatred' towards poor Venus. So I'd think your own behaviour towards her might not be the best either. I wonder why your rulers, Moon and Saturn are in fall of each other, Moon is heart, Saturn the head. Perhaps its the guilt. Head might be more rational, the heart might be more prone to feeling guilty and they both are against each other.
Mandy
Well-known member
To the OP,
You do not mention how old you are. However, children of parents will often experience the feeling you describe as a natural progression into being an independent and an adult. Once you are an adult, you may be the person who would otherwise never sustain a friendship with an individual who has the attributes of your mother. It is natural and therefore permissable that you may be questioning the maintenance of this relationship on the scale of psychological pragmatism.
Whilst it would be ideal if the relationship between you and your mother is complementary, the fact that it is not and the resultant stress, on both sides, is not healthy. Continuing this relationship could have negative and irreversible consequences on the both of you, individually. For example, your mother may be more inclined to use to attenuate her feelings of stress; in any event, you are currently vulnerable to your mother's influence. Again, it is natural and pragmatic to experience emotion when there is threat or insecurity.
Together, I imagine that your problems are inherent differences driven by emotion. You may be never able to eliminate the inherent differences but you can eliminate the emotional effects of the situation. And you can only control your side of the deal. It may be best for you to simply accept your mother as she is, whether that means having her in your life or not.
Separation has a negative connotation, but oftentimes it is healthy, an eye opener, establishes firm boundaries, gives people room to change, room to grow, to understand what works/what does not. It gives people time to accept change. Inevitably separation may mean also that you grow further apart. But whatever the outcome of separation, if you are doing it to find peace then it is necessary and optimal. Staying together when you know it is a recipe for (two-way) toxicity is not productive, whichever way you look at it.
For the future, there is no need to commit yourself to lifelong severing of ties. You do not know what the future holds. You may be called to meet again in some necessary capacity. Finding your peace and stability now, before that happens, will make you much better equipped to withstand circumstance in a healthy and productive way.
Good luck with whatever you decide. I hope you stay well. x
You do not mention how old you are. However, children of parents will often experience the feeling you describe as a natural progression into being an independent and an adult. Once you are an adult, you may be the person who would otherwise never sustain a friendship with an individual who has the attributes of your mother. It is natural and therefore permissable that you may be questioning the maintenance of this relationship on the scale of psychological pragmatism.
Whilst it would be ideal if the relationship between you and your mother is complementary, the fact that it is not and the resultant stress, on both sides, is not healthy. Continuing this relationship could have negative and irreversible consequences on the both of you, individually. For example, your mother may be more inclined to use to attenuate her feelings of stress; in any event, you are currently vulnerable to your mother's influence. Again, it is natural and pragmatic to experience emotion when there is threat or insecurity.
Together, I imagine that your problems are inherent differences driven by emotion. You may be never able to eliminate the inherent differences but you can eliminate the emotional effects of the situation. And you can only control your side of the deal. It may be best for you to simply accept your mother as she is, whether that means having her in your life or not.
Separation has a negative connotation, but oftentimes it is healthy, an eye opener, establishes firm boundaries, gives people room to change, room to grow, to understand what works/what does not. It gives people time to accept change. Inevitably separation may mean also that you grow further apart. But whatever the outcome of separation, if you are doing it to find peace then it is necessary and optimal. Staying together when you know it is a recipe for (two-way) toxicity is not productive, whichever way you look at it.
For the future, there is no need to commit yourself to lifelong severing of ties. You do not know what the future holds. You may be called to meet again in some necessary capacity. Finding your peace and stability now, before that happens, will make you much better equipped to withstand circumstance in a healthy and productive way.
Good luck with whatever you decide. I hope you stay well. x