What am i missing.

This thread is actually quite difficult for me to write as it involves laying myself out bare and exposed, something I am not comfortable with at all.
Ever since I can remember I have had a sort of dissociative relationship with the outside world. Never feeling like i really belonged. Now being that I have a pisces asc this on its own could contribute to this feeling, but its more than that. I have always felt like I had a purpose, that there was something i needed to do but have never been able to figure out what it is. Even as a child i remember this feeling so vividly. I'll try and describe the experience. I would look at my family with fondness but i'd feel homesick, id feel like i just wanted to go home...but i was home. This was my natural family, im not adopted or anything. I would lie in bed at night and cry myself to sleep because i missed something or someone, I would greive for something but had no idea what it was. This feeling stayed with me my whole life and continues today. I dont cry like i used to but i still feel...lost. There have been times in my life, always connected with pivotal life experiences where this feeling has become intense. After the birth of my first child I had this overwhelming fear that she was going to die, I was convinced i was going to lose her and i actually went into a state of grief. My doctor was astounded that i was exhibiting all the systoms of post traumatic stress syndrome BEFORE i had experienced anything. My daughter didnt die and in fact her influence on me was/is profound. As I raised her i constantly felt like i was raising myself. I have four other children and for three of them i never experienced anything other than a normal maternal bond. However with my last child it was quite different. Firstly i wasnt supposed to be able to have anymore children, my children were 10, 11 13 and 16 when i found out i was pregnant and at first i was so upset. The timing was terrible and i was already a single parent of four, two of whom have Attention deficit disorder. I considered abortion but I could not reconcile that with my heart. About 6 weeks into the pregnany i remember getting this overwhelming feeling that this baby was special. I just knew that she was going to change my life. I didnt know how but i knew she was. Interestingly she was born on a new moon with her sun and moon conjunct my Part of fortune which is on my I.C. She has been a total blessing to me, it was like she was given to me so I could parent her in a manner i wished i had been able to parent my other children. She is like my second chance, a truley awesome blessing and i adore her but heres the weird thing. When i look at her, as much as i love her, i feel like she isnt mine. I know how awful that must sound but i dont love her any less, i feel completely bonded with her but sometimes i just look at her and its like i dont recognise her. Her entrance into my life is so amazing and awesome i somehow feel like shes on loan, a gift.
Now you are probably thinking "is there a question here?" and there is, im just setting the scene because this is so vitally important to me and by expressing it i make myself quite vulnerable. I dont do vulnerable.
I expressed to EJ recently that I had felt confused as to why everytime i have tried to engage the outside world that something has happened, beyond my control that screws things up. I have alot of skills and talents and learn or teach myself just about anything i put my mind to but whenever i try to realise these skills externally something always goes wrong. I worked very very hard to gain my pretrade certificate in automotive mechanics and went out and got my own apprenticeship as a mechanic. I met with alot of opposition as the men i worked with didnt think it was appropriate for women to do a mans job. I didnt care, i loved my job. 8 months into working my husband left me, i tried to balance being a single mum of 4 with working full time and part time study and it was hard but i was determined. 2 months later i hurt my back and was off work for a week. I rang in every morning and provided medical certificates to attest to my injury. When i returned to work the boss called me in to tell me i was being fired for not turning up to work for a week without calling. Turns out that when i would call in the mornings the service manager who told me when i started that i should be at home looking after my kids, had not told the boss that i had been calling in. When i confronted him he denied that i called and i had no proof. I was shattered, once again something i loved was taken away from me.
My question is this. What am i missing, i have studied my chart so much trying to figure out why i have never really made anything of my life, i feel like i have squandered my gifts and talents and yet i know that i have ernestly tried to put myself out there. I dont consider myself to be hard done by, on the contrary i feel as though i have been blessed many times over so why do i find it so difficult to have a sucessful relationship with the outside world?
I have never looked into karmic astrology because i always felt like this life was work enough without feeling guilty for past life screwups but EJ suggested this may help.
I have NNode in Aries(1st house) and its supposed to represents a karmic drive to embrace my own sense of self and to make my own decisions and live my own life. My SNode is in Libra (7th) represents a longing for a relationship. Problem is that i tend to go about it the wrong way; by being what he thinks i should be instead of being myself. This never works. I will find fulfilling relationships only when i embrace my own desires and wants, learning to be me.
My 12th house husp is in aquarius and depending on your flavour for ruler its either saturn or uranus. Saturn is conjunct NNode in aries in first house and uranus is on my desc/7th house cusp. Saturn conj nn in aries in first could restrict my ability to self realisation or it could be that things witheld from me early on in life make it difficult to self realise?
If there is anyone who could help me figure out whats missing or what is it that im not seeing i would really appreciate the help.

View attachment mchart.doc

Rogue

Firstly, Rogue, thanks for being brave and putting yourself out there on the page.

Secondly, I believe that what you have experienced all your life is a yearning to go back to Spirit - having felt this way all my life, also. For those who battle a bit with the physical realm, the Spirit World is Home, and is safe and nurturing and even predictable - unlike this crazy place!!! Like EJ says, I suspect you've had a number of past life resonances in your life. Unlike EJ, I don't always think it benefits us to `go back there', either in meditation or therapy. Like you, I agree that the current life is enough to deal with, and bringing in other dimensions in time can blur the boundaries. My belief, also, is that we are born through a veil of past life karma, with issues we bring in to be worked upon and healed in this lifetime. What these issues are can be described by delving into your Chiron placements. You seem to be especially sensitive to this, and particularly with Chiron conjunct your ascendant, this is to be a life with much potential for healing - both for you, and by you.

As I read your post, my private thought was: I'll bet she has a YOD on her natal chart! Sure enough, you have a sextile - and an exact sextile at that - between Uranus and neptune, both inconjunct your Mercury in the 1st house in Aries. i.e. You have a YOD formed by your natal planets: Uranus, Neptune & Mercury.
I don't know how much you know about YODs, but you must read up on this. (The book, The Yod Book, by Karen Hamaker-Zondag is useful, and other posters may be able to point you to other sources) Like you, I'm hugely capable, but have struck brick walls all my life, and the YOD on my chart certainly points to where & why.
Simply put (I hope!), a YOD is a configuration which is found in charts of those with more `work' to do, and a lot of potential for spiritual growth. It's a gift, but it has to be worked on, and the obstacles which the YOD creates are those which, when overcome, can provide the greatest potential for growth and ultimately achievement. This achievement may be unseen to others, but you will know.

The pointy part (for the want of a better term) of your YOD is Mercury, so you will struggle to get your point across, to be heard clearly, to be understood, even when you write a clear note, or even ring your work each day, as you did!!! You may often feel that others can't `see' you or hear you properly. The point where the YOD can be worked upon is the mid-point of Uranus and Neptune, which is 25deg Libra, which is also in the 8th house conjunct your 8th house cusp, so it is through issues of the 8th house where your healing can occur. When any planet aspects this Release Point (i.e. 25 deg Libra) then it's a bit like unscrewing the lid of a jar of pickles using a lot of effort - eventually, the struggle, the blockage (because a YOD certainly feels like there's a blockage somewhere in your life) is loosened, bit by bit.

To summarise, the double inconjuncts to your natal mercury create a `blockage' with the true expression of your Mercury (and you have some great other aspects to Mercury, but these will also be difficult to bring into form for the time being). To `unblock' this Mercury expression, transiting planets will form aspects with the Release Point (25 deg Libra) and bit by bit the invisible walls will disintegrate.

I can't go into too much detail here, but this is my take on your chart, and what you have related about your life. I have a `blocked' Capricorn ascendant, and that is a real shocker, believe me. I recently told someone that I don't understand money or business - now, that is a block!
[The word `block' is one I use to describe a YOD, and may not be felt that way by others with a YOD]

PS (and sorry to be so long-winded) It may also benefit you to check out the asteroid Ceres -which on your chart is 29deg Libra, so conjunct the YOD release point in your 8th. Ceres describes issues related to nurturing, mothering, fertility, and also our sense of being `at home' in the physical. You may find it interesting I think. Reading your post, you sound like a very sensitive, Ceres-type person. Your natal Ceres is also square your natal moon in Capricorn, so you may have an underlying sense of not being fully nurtured into your life and your body, so you have had a number of children so that nurturing them may be an attempt to bring yourself fully into this incarnation. Just a thought...........

PPS (sorry again!) Another thing which Ceres can describe is grief - and chiefly the grief of mothers for their `lost' children. I have quite a difficult placement of ceres, and it has been my karmic duty, I believe, to release mothering guilt & grief from my own body, since my mother was unable to do this whilst alive. She died leaving behind her a huge well of grief & guilt - from her own life, and that of her own mother's - and I've been sensitive enough to isolate this emotion as `not truly mine', and then release it. I just thought this information may resonate with you in some way.

Thankyou so much raven for your reply. When I read your reply i cried. Its like you see me, you understand exactly what i feel. I dont know if you are familiar with the song by The Who called See Me Feel Me. The chorus goes see me, feel me, hear me, heal me. This song is exactly what I feel my spirit is yearning. I have always felt invisible. You see movies where someone dies but dont realise they are dead and they try and interact with the world by they are affectless. Thing is i dont think of myself as useless or worthless, i value myself and am confident in what I have to contribute but mind you I havent always been. I had to work very very hard to become a strong and confident woman but now its like...ok im here now, now what.
Growing up wasnt pretty. Both my parents were alchoholics and we were taught from a very young age that what we wanted felt or thought was of no consequence. We were to do as we were told.
I will do some research into the nature of my yod and what it means for me. I am not scared of hard work, in fact i thrive on a challenge .
I really appreciate you taking the time to look into this matter raven:39: