hi munch,
i am curious to know what you meant or had in mind with this comment of yours from earlier "I'd love to work for myself! I just (as you pointed out) lack the confidence to do so and am not sure what I'd like to do....or maybe that's a lie." perhaps it is the singing that you are referring to and it makes sense with your chart too..
I hate working for other people. I hate the fact that they profit off of me and that I get stuck making **** wages, but I am also very gun shy about striking out on my own. This is mostly because I don't feel like I have any real and marketable talents. *cue cheesy violins*
I had a lot of discouragement growing up and my childhood was so bad and so isolated that I to this day am STILL learning how to interact with the rest of the world. The only thing that I can remember my dad ever saying to me consistently was, 'Think Lila, damnit, think!' Of course, I WAS thinking, just not like him and whats more is he never interacted with me positively so I never really knew what I was missing when he said that. That alone probably wouldn't be so bad but it was usually accompanied by violence or severe wrath so I just became fearful of my ability to THINK, lol.
Compounding this was my mom who was very supportive of me doing whatever I wanted with my life but was simultaneously terrified that something would happen to me after having lost her other two children. So many things happened to me as a kid that she finally got so scared that she locked me away from everyone and everything. I became a virtual Cinderalla. All I did was chores and homework and study and go to church. No phones, no parties, no activities, no friends. Nothing.
I never learned any skills or developed any real talents and the ones that I had as a child I just don't have faith in now since they went so long without being used. I feel embarrassed and even a bit ashamed of my lack of ability and don't like people to see my failures so I guess I just stay locked into my old mold. I don't feel like I have anything to offer at this point, so I just keep pluggin away at these jobs.