BACKGROUND
Last year, I lost a special friend who had been important throughout my life, from my childhood (when I randomly found his travel blog online) to my adulthood (turns out I lost my virginity to him). He was 9 years older than me. We lived in different continents. He was a big inspiration and meeting him influenced my life decisions (I moved abroad when I was 17). We remained pen pals for +15 years and we would meet during our travels. Sometimes, almost accidentally!
We spent my 29th birthday together in Hong Kong last year. It was amazing. However, for the first time I realized I was developing real feelings towards him. I experienced a lot of emotional confusion during the days we were together, and it was painful. Sometimes I had the feeling he was not very invested, but then he would insist on doing everything together. Some of my deepest insecurities surfaced and I was unable to understand my own emotional reactions. I was hurting. Towards the end of the trip, while we were sightseeing, I decided to let him go, to let everything go. After a cold goodbye, I turned my back and left abruptly. That night, I decided I was going to put an end to something that had no future – in other words, I had to take him out of my life.
My plans of never speaking to him again failed completed because I could not stand the fact that I might never see him again. So the next morning, on my way to the airport, I stopped by his place with a big “I am sorry” breakfast. And I am glad I did so: only 2 weeks after we said goodbye, I found out through Facebook that he had passed away during his sleep. Turns out he had an undiagnosed heart condition.
This was a long intro, but since then, given everything that happened I can’t help but wonder: « how did he feel about me?”. I know for a fact that I fell for him during our last trip together. And I fell completely. I still feel guilty for some of my behavior, and also still feel upset at him for some of his behavior. I wonder if there was any reciprocity from him in terms of romantic feelings.
INTERPRETATION
The hour ruler is the same as the ascendant ruler, so I believe this means the chart raised is valid.
With Aquarius rising, the horary chart indicates Saturn is my significator.
Saturn is domiciled in Aquarius. Interestingly, I was celebrating my Saturn return when I last met him. Despite feeling so emotionally attached I remember clearly telling myself that I should no longer waste my time with « flings » - very Saturnian of me. Aquarius rising also seems interesting because this last time we met, I decided not to stay with him at his hotel despite his multiple invites; I wanted to give him space and freedom to do his own things. Above all, I wanted it to be my birthday trip, not a « couple » trip. I didn’t want him to shift the focus and purpose of my trip (even though I later regretted not spending more time with him).
Saturn is in the 12th house. I can think of the following interpretations:
1- this indicates that our « relationship » was not official (which is unquestionable) and that in some ways it was « hidden » or platonic.
2- this speaks about my emotional state back then - extremely confused and emotive, unable to make a proper judgment about the situation we were in. But highly sensitive as well, as I not only changed my mind last minute but also told him everything he had meant in my life, how grateful I was, and how I would always remember him smiling with his eyes (which in this context is surprising, as I obviously did not know he would die weeks later)
3- this speaks about my emotional state now – his passing was a big slap on my face that put my entire life in perspective. Most of the time I am ok, but sometimes sadness comes in waves and there are other issues affecting my well-being too, including being confined due to the pandemic (12th house again!)
Saturn and moon (co-significator) are both in very early degrees (0-1 degrees). Saturn is also retrograde.
The horary chart indicates his significator is the Sun.
The Sun is in Gemini - as a Leo with moon in Gemini, he was naturally restless but particularly so while we were in HK. It was very hard to cope with his « scattered » mind.
Sun in the 5th house = his mind was probably in love affairs, having fun, enjoying life as a bachelor, which makes sense as he had an active Tinder profile at the time (before HK, he was traveling solo in China). Although if we flip the chart it would be in his 11th house, the house of friendships and networks. He tried to connect with some old friends while in Hong Kong but it did not work.
No aspects or reception between our significators. I noticed however that both our significators are in aspect to Venus (wide orb of 8-9 degrees), which is the slowest of the three: Sun conjuncts Venus and Saturn trines Venus. I was trying to understand if there would be collection of light through Venus here, since Saturn is in the face of Venus and the Sun is in the term of Venus (I think!). But I am not sure if I looked at the dignities correctly. However, when this ‘collection’ possibility came up, the first person that came to my mind was his older brother. I had never met him in my life, but he reached out to me surprisingly after my friend’s passing and asked me to attend the funeral. He picked me up at the airport, offered his shoulder to cry on and was extremely caring (just like his brother), all of this while mourning the loss of his own brother. He took me to see the body, the house he grew up in, his messy bedroom that remained intact since he was found with no life. He said I was special to my friend, but I still found it hard to believe. Venus rules the 3rd house of the 7th, interestingly.
I was also wondering if Venus, here, could represent a third person and another romantic affair of my friend given the conjunction with the Sun, albeit separating. After his passing, I met a lady who claimed to have been seeing/dating him for more than a year in his home country. They “broke up” before his travels and apparently reconnected when he returned home. She then found out he had started to “see” someone else, another lady who also attended his funeral - I let you imagine how interesting this funeral was! surprisingly too, that same lady asked for my WhatsApp right after the funeral and we remained in touch. She opened up to me, exposed her intimacy, fragility, sadness... and as a result I had to completely suppress my own romantic feelings toward him, as I did not want her to find out that I had lived an affair with him too. This is also something I feel guilty about: hiding the truth from her while she confided in me.
I still can’t make a view about this chart. Since there are no mutual reception between our significators, my first guess is that there was no romantic feeling. But sun is in 5th house, perhaps he saw me as someone he could have a good time with. I would appreciate any views on my analysis as I am still learning – thank you!
Last year, I lost a special friend who had been important throughout my life, from my childhood (when I randomly found his travel blog online) to my adulthood (turns out I lost my virginity to him). He was 9 years older than me. We lived in different continents. He was a big inspiration and meeting him influenced my life decisions (I moved abroad when I was 17). We remained pen pals for +15 years and we would meet during our travels. Sometimes, almost accidentally!
We spent my 29th birthday together in Hong Kong last year. It was amazing. However, for the first time I realized I was developing real feelings towards him. I experienced a lot of emotional confusion during the days we were together, and it was painful. Sometimes I had the feeling he was not very invested, but then he would insist on doing everything together. Some of my deepest insecurities surfaced and I was unable to understand my own emotional reactions. I was hurting. Towards the end of the trip, while we were sightseeing, I decided to let him go, to let everything go. After a cold goodbye, I turned my back and left abruptly. That night, I decided I was going to put an end to something that had no future – in other words, I had to take him out of my life.
My plans of never speaking to him again failed completed because I could not stand the fact that I might never see him again. So the next morning, on my way to the airport, I stopped by his place with a big “I am sorry” breakfast. And I am glad I did so: only 2 weeks after we said goodbye, I found out through Facebook that he had passed away during his sleep. Turns out he had an undiagnosed heart condition.
This was a long intro, but since then, given everything that happened I can’t help but wonder: « how did he feel about me?”. I know for a fact that I fell for him during our last trip together. And I fell completely. I still feel guilty for some of my behavior, and also still feel upset at him for some of his behavior. I wonder if there was any reciprocity from him in terms of romantic feelings.
INTERPRETATION
The hour ruler is the same as the ascendant ruler, so I believe this means the chart raised is valid.
With Aquarius rising, the horary chart indicates Saturn is my significator.
Saturn is domiciled in Aquarius. Interestingly, I was celebrating my Saturn return when I last met him. Despite feeling so emotionally attached I remember clearly telling myself that I should no longer waste my time with « flings » - very Saturnian of me. Aquarius rising also seems interesting because this last time we met, I decided not to stay with him at his hotel despite his multiple invites; I wanted to give him space and freedom to do his own things. Above all, I wanted it to be my birthday trip, not a « couple » trip. I didn’t want him to shift the focus and purpose of my trip (even though I later regretted not spending more time with him).
Saturn is in the 12th house. I can think of the following interpretations:
1- this indicates that our « relationship » was not official (which is unquestionable) and that in some ways it was « hidden » or platonic.
2- this speaks about my emotional state back then - extremely confused and emotive, unable to make a proper judgment about the situation we were in. But highly sensitive as well, as I not only changed my mind last minute but also told him everything he had meant in my life, how grateful I was, and how I would always remember him smiling with his eyes (which in this context is surprising, as I obviously did not know he would die weeks later)
3- this speaks about my emotional state now – his passing was a big slap on my face that put my entire life in perspective. Most of the time I am ok, but sometimes sadness comes in waves and there are other issues affecting my well-being too, including being confined due to the pandemic (12th house again!)
Saturn and moon (co-significator) are both in very early degrees (0-1 degrees). Saturn is also retrograde.
The horary chart indicates his significator is the Sun.
The Sun is in Gemini - as a Leo with moon in Gemini, he was naturally restless but particularly so while we were in HK. It was very hard to cope with his « scattered » mind.
Sun in the 5th house = his mind was probably in love affairs, having fun, enjoying life as a bachelor, which makes sense as he had an active Tinder profile at the time (before HK, he was traveling solo in China). Although if we flip the chart it would be in his 11th house, the house of friendships and networks. He tried to connect with some old friends while in Hong Kong but it did not work.
No aspects or reception between our significators. I noticed however that both our significators are in aspect to Venus (wide orb of 8-9 degrees), which is the slowest of the three: Sun conjuncts Venus and Saturn trines Venus. I was trying to understand if there would be collection of light through Venus here, since Saturn is in the face of Venus and the Sun is in the term of Venus (I think!). But I am not sure if I looked at the dignities correctly. However, when this ‘collection’ possibility came up, the first person that came to my mind was his older brother. I had never met him in my life, but he reached out to me surprisingly after my friend’s passing and asked me to attend the funeral. He picked me up at the airport, offered his shoulder to cry on and was extremely caring (just like his brother), all of this while mourning the loss of his own brother. He took me to see the body, the house he grew up in, his messy bedroom that remained intact since he was found with no life. He said I was special to my friend, but I still found it hard to believe. Venus rules the 3rd house of the 7th, interestingly.
I was also wondering if Venus, here, could represent a third person and another romantic affair of my friend given the conjunction with the Sun, albeit separating. After his passing, I met a lady who claimed to have been seeing/dating him for more than a year in his home country. They “broke up” before his travels and apparently reconnected when he returned home. She then found out he had started to “see” someone else, another lady who also attended his funeral - I let you imagine how interesting this funeral was! surprisingly too, that same lady asked for my WhatsApp right after the funeral and we remained in touch. She opened up to me, exposed her intimacy, fragility, sadness... and as a result I had to completely suppress my own romantic feelings toward him, as I did not want her to find out that I had lived an affair with him too. This is also something I feel guilty about: hiding the truth from her while she confided in me.
I still can’t make a view about this chart. Since there are no mutual reception between our significators, my first guess is that there was no romantic feeling. But sun is in 5th house, perhaps he saw me as someone he could have a good time with. I would appreciate any views on my analysis as I am still learning – thank you!
Attachments
Last edited: