Sorry for the late reply. Thank you to everyone who has shared their thoughts, I do appreciate the different responses. There's a few things I'd like to say regarding the above -
First, as someone mentioned above, I'm mindful of the fact that my mind has a tendency to go to dark places. I don't want to find dark intent where there is none, and particularly at the moment, it tends to do that. So that's something to keep in mind.
Therese - I also appreciate your input as I do think it's important to remember astrology is based on potentials rather than absolutes. It's good to have this balance in opinion, I also don't want to 'take on' an idea for the reasons you describe.
Rahu - in terms of my father, in all honesty, he is the last person I would ever suspect of abuse. I say this for a number of reasons, which is why I was wondering what it was that showed that as the only obvious possibility in the chart. My dad was plagued by mental ill health from around age 21. He had periods of clinical depression, on average once every 2 years, where he would be bedbound. In between those periods, he worked very hard and was a very good father. I don't remember a lot about him, but all my memories of him are positive. He also suffered from what my mum and his psychiatrist believed, were intrusive thoughts and obsessions (the same as me). He had a huge conscience and, like me, would tend to worry about things excessively. Statistically, people with these types of fears are actually the least likely to be abusive. I never felt anything 'bad' from him, he never smoked or drank, he worked hard and he loved all of his children immensely. He was just plagued by dark thoughts.
There are a couple of things that suggest that abuse from others is a possibility - thoughts I had as a child, feeling uncomfortable later on when getting attention from men etc. But my dad - I just can't see it being a possibility. However, my childhood was pretty happy, it was when my dad died that that feeling of 'being unsafe' became magnified. Then we moved a lot and life was pretty unstable from there.
To be honest, if abuse did occur from another male, I believe it wouldn't have been severe. I've always been very sensitive and will 'pick up' and absorb things easily. However, I don't rule it out as I think it's certainly a possibility from another male.
It's also important to remember that I have been medicated with various drugs from age 16. It was then that I had my first serious breakdown, and was likely influenced by being chemically messed up. There's loads of new evidence coming out suggesting how severely these drugs can damage your brain and nervous system. The periods you describe were in line with severe symptoms, although they also correlated to reducing dosages in medication, so I don't know. I don't have any autoimmune disorders, just some digestive health issues from years of meds/poor diet etc.
I guess it's hard because, while there may be signs of abuse in the chart, the influence of Scorpio/pluto energies would suggest a tendency to 'delve into darkness' or paranoia. The question might be which is more likely?
I've had some dark experiences throughout my life, darker than most people will probably have to face. But I've also had some incredible experiences, especially when I 'found' spirituality. It was these dark experiences that lead me to it, and to the potentials of unconditional love, compassion, and peace. I feel as though I've swung between two opposite ends of the spectrum, feeling extreme light and dark.
Also, it's worth noting that it's very common for people with this kind of OCD to want to find a 'root cause', and evidence suggests there isn't one. It's usually a combination of biological and environmental factors, predisposition, sensitivity, stress etc. I was always going to have overthinking tendencies, with a risk of dark obsessional fears. I also wonder how this would relate to all the people with sexually related OCD fears - they're very common, but there is no correlation between them and real life abusive experiences in childhood. It's usually more related to a sense of hyper-responsibility that just goes out of control.
I'm really grateful for all the responses, I didn't expect it. I'm currently seeing a Somatic Experiencing therapist, and she has explained how memories of abuse (if they are in the subconscious or stored in the system) do not need to be made conscious in order to be resolved. They can arise within the nervous system and be experienced to completion without the actual memory coming up. So this is good in that, if there is something I don't remember, it can still be addressed.
First, as someone mentioned above, I'm mindful of the fact that my mind has a tendency to go to dark places. I don't want to find dark intent where there is none, and particularly at the moment, it tends to do that. So that's something to keep in mind.
Therese - I also appreciate your input as I do think it's important to remember astrology is based on potentials rather than absolutes. It's good to have this balance in opinion, I also don't want to 'take on' an idea for the reasons you describe.
Rahu - in terms of my father, in all honesty, he is the last person I would ever suspect of abuse. I say this for a number of reasons, which is why I was wondering what it was that showed that as the only obvious possibility in the chart. My dad was plagued by mental ill health from around age 21. He had periods of clinical depression, on average once every 2 years, where he would be bedbound. In between those periods, he worked very hard and was a very good father. I don't remember a lot about him, but all my memories of him are positive. He also suffered from what my mum and his psychiatrist believed, were intrusive thoughts and obsessions (the same as me). He had a huge conscience and, like me, would tend to worry about things excessively. Statistically, people with these types of fears are actually the least likely to be abusive. I never felt anything 'bad' from him, he never smoked or drank, he worked hard and he loved all of his children immensely. He was just plagued by dark thoughts.
There are a couple of things that suggest that abuse from others is a possibility - thoughts I had as a child, feeling uncomfortable later on when getting attention from men etc. But my dad - I just can't see it being a possibility. However, my childhood was pretty happy, it was when my dad died that that feeling of 'being unsafe' became magnified. Then we moved a lot and life was pretty unstable from there.
To be honest, if abuse did occur from another male, I believe it wouldn't have been severe. I've always been very sensitive and will 'pick up' and absorb things easily. However, I don't rule it out as I think it's certainly a possibility from another male.
It's also important to remember that I have been medicated with various drugs from age 16. It was then that I had my first serious breakdown, and was likely influenced by being chemically messed up. There's loads of new evidence coming out suggesting how severely these drugs can damage your brain and nervous system. The periods you describe were in line with severe symptoms, although they also correlated to reducing dosages in medication, so I don't know. I don't have any autoimmune disorders, just some digestive health issues from years of meds/poor diet etc.
I guess it's hard because, while there may be signs of abuse in the chart, the influence of Scorpio/pluto energies would suggest a tendency to 'delve into darkness' or paranoia. The question might be which is more likely?
I've had some dark experiences throughout my life, darker than most people will probably have to face. But I've also had some incredible experiences, especially when I 'found' spirituality. It was these dark experiences that lead me to it, and to the potentials of unconditional love, compassion, and peace. I feel as though I've swung between two opposite ends of the spectrum, feeling extreme light and dark.
Also, it's worth noting that it's very common for people with this kind of OCD to want to find a 'root cause', and evidence suggests there isn't one. It's usually a combination of biological and environmental factors, predisposition, sensitivity, stress etc. I was always going to have overthinking tendencies, with a risk of dark obsessional fears. I also wonder how this would relate to all the people with sexually related OCD fears - they're very common, but there is no correlation between them and real life abusive experiences in childhood. It's usually more related to a sense of hyper-responsibility that just goes out of control.
I'm really grateful for all the responses, I didn't expect it. I'm currently seeing a Somatic Experiencing therapist, and she has explained how memories of abuse (if they are in the subconscious or stored in the system) do not need to be made conscious in order to be resolved. They can arise within the nervous system and be experienced to completion without the actual memory coming up. So this is good in that, if there is something I don't remember, it can still be addressed.
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