Yes, a couple of weeks ago things got so bad that I swallowed what I thought were enough pills to kill me. Thing is, I woke up,, after having what I think was a near death experience where the spirit of my cat appeared to me and told me it's not my time yet, I still have a lot of things to get done, so I guess I survived. But now I can't help but wonder if it's all a strange dream, if I really am dead and in some sort of purgatory. So far, I have not told anyone in my day to day life about my suicide attempt, as I've been hospitalised before and trust me if you've never been there those places don't help you, just traumatise you to the point where it takes an agonisingly long time to work up the nerve to try to end your life again.
My life pretty much ended way before that, when my father decided to molest me when I was too young to have any memories of it. It took untill I was 20 to realise it was abuse, in the mean time, I endured a childhood of being beaten for things I can't even remember, him telling me I'm a failure and will never accomplish anything, me being bullied at school as his abuse made me extremely sensitive and all my classmates found my reactions to things hilarious so they kept going and made school hell for me as well, him taking me to therapists to brainwish me to convince me I'm the ****** up one.
And as an adult, I have not been able to hold down a job or a relationship. At the rate I'm going, I can guarantee that I am doomed to live a life of a spintress on disability welfare, which is sad considering I have an IQ of 145 and people tell me I should model, so I guess that means I'm not ugly, even though I still feel like the ugly little girl who was beaten up in school for being fat(since then, I have shrunk from a US size 18/UK size 20 to a 6/8). And even sadder that I'll never get to travel again, I managed to live in Australia for 5 years and even travel to Africa alone when I was 22 thanks to filing legal action to get my trust fund back from my father, but all that money has been spent thanks to me not being able to hold down a job so I've had to return to the States, worse, to the Bible Belt as that's where I grew up and my mother is, and I am not getting along at all, I am way too liberal and open-minded for them, and by their standards weird, and want nothing more than to somehow escape again. Travel is in my blood, and that will never change.
In jobs, I battle with flashbacks about my father. I've always had problems with authority, especially male authority, as authority in my childhood exploited me in the worst possible way. Not only that, but when you work in a restaurant, the dynamic is often exactly like high school for me, which was as much of a hell for me as my parents. In the way that to me, it feels like people push peoples' and in particular my buttons, and I feel disgusted and have a very hard time keeping that feeling to myself, which leads to lots of clashes at work. And I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed, and when I don't meet up to my expectations, I can almost always hear my father's voice in my head criticising me for the 100000000000000000000000000th time, which, of course, makes me emotional in a way I can't explain to my collegues, making me widely misunderstood as a psycho. And every time I get fired, I feel like I have been punished for being molested, which, while the world might not say it's my fault, they certainly act like it is.
And relationships have been tragic to the point where every time a man leaves me after making all of these promises about building a life together, which they almost always do leave me once I've either slept with them or made it clear they have no chance. People around me, even many much younger than me, seem to glide effortlessly into relationships with someone who is devoted, and even if it doesn't last forever at least both parties made a genuine effort to try. At age 26, my mongest relationship has been 3 months, and I've only had 2 serious relationships, leaving me a lot of time to feel like Bridget Jones at the smug marrieds dinner party except with a much nastier backstory. Not only has my father treated me like a whore, but so has almost every man I've been intimate with. In fact, I can honestly say that I know very well what it feels like to have my brains ****** out like a blow up doll, but I have no idea what being made love to feels like, and I've given up hope I'll ever know that feeling. And to make matters worse, I was stuck in a period for a year and a half where in order to support myself, I had no choice but to work as an erotic masseuse, sometimes giving oral relief. It was hell, and felt a lot like slavery, it was either allow these men to treat me in the same way my father did or be out on the streets. Even more ****** up, he's worth millions, and living in a palatial mansion, while I had to do the unthinkable in order to even maintain a roach infested roof over my head. I felt like my only purpose in this world was to be exploited by men and used as the village bicycle, it's now been over a year since I left the industry, and I have not been intimate with a man since, the thought completely turns my stomach. The idea of a gentle and considerate man turns me on, but for some reason, none of them seem to be attracted to me, maybe because they can tell I have father issues and hold it against me.
Now, things have really come to a head, I am again on very thin ice at work, and all of the old feelings of worthlessness are coming back as it seems like I am completely incapable of supporting myself without degrading myself. And, to be honest, if things get to that point again it will become SO much more tempting to find a way of putting myself out of my misery that will actually work this time.
My big questions are:
*How do I let go of my past so it's incapable of controlling me? I need advice besides "Get over it", I can only hear that one so many times without thinking, "Sheesh, why doesn't someone tell me How to get over it", and in a way that makes sense to me. I would love nothing more than to be able to resurrect the part of me that my father killed before I was old enough to have memories of anything.
*What are some good ways for me to stop taking peoples' actions and words personally so I can get on with building a great future for myself?
*Between now and 2012(when I turn 30), what obstacles can I expect to encounter? And what do any of you guys see as far as relationships, children, family, career, and travel go?
Attached is my chart and my father's. I know my birthtime and not his. Thank you for any honest and heartfelt advice that can give me the power to escape this hell I'm in.
My life pretty much ended way before that, when my father decided to molest me when I was too young to have any memories of it. It took untill I was 20 to realise it was abuse, in the mean time, I endured a childhood of being beaten for things I can't even remember, him telling me I'm a failure and will never accomplish anything, me being bullied at school as his abuse made me extremely sensitive and all my classmates found my reactions to things hilarious so they kept going and made school hell for me as well, him taking me to therapists to brainwish me to convince me I'm the ****** up one.
And as an adult, I have not been able to hold down a job or a relationship. At the rate I'm going, I can guarantee that I am doomed to live a life of a spintress on disability welfare, which is sad considering I have an IQ of 145 and people tell me I should model, so I guess that means I'm not ugly, even though I still feel like the ugly little girl who was beaten up in school for being fat(since then, I have shrunk from a US size 18/UK size 20 to a 6/8). And even sadder that I'll never get to travel again, I managed to live in Australia for 5 years and even travel to Africa alone when I was 22 thanks to filing legal action to get my trust fund back from my father, but all that money has been spent thanks to me not being able to hold down a job so I've had to return to the States, worse, to the Bible Belt as that's where I grew up and my mother is, and I am not getting along at all, I am way too liberal and open-minded for them, and by their standards weird, and want nothing more than to somehow escape again. Travel is in my blood, and that will never change.
In jobs, I battle with flashbacks about my father. I've always had problems with authority, especially male authority, as authority in my childhood exploited me in the worst possible way. Not only that, but when you work in a restaurant, the dynamic is often exactly like high school for me, which was as much of a hell for me as my parents. In the way that to me, it feels like people push peoples' and in particular my buttons, and I feel disgusted and have a very hard time keeping that feeling to myself, which leads to lots of clashes at work. And I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed, and when I don't meet up to my expectations, I can almost always hear my father's voice in my head criticising me for the 100000000000000000000000000th time, which, of course, makes me emotional in a way I can't explain to my collegues, making me widely misunderstood as a psycho. And every time I get fired, I feel like I have been punished for being molested, which, while the world might not say it's my fault, they certainly act like it is.
And relationships have been tragic to the point where every time a man leaves me after making all of these promises about building a life together, which they almost always do leave me once I've either slept with them or made it clear they have no chance. People around me, even many much younger than me, seem to glide effortlessly into relationships with someone who is devoted, and even if it doesn't last forever at least both parties made a genuine effort to try. At age 26, my mongest relationship has been 3 months, and I've only had 2 serious relationships, leaving me a lot of time to feel like Bridget Jones at the smug marrieds dinner party except with a much nastier backstory. Not only has my father treated me like a whore, but so has almost every man I've been intimate with. In fact, I can honestly say that I know very well what it feels like to have my brains ****** out like a blow up doll, but I have no idea what being made love to feels like, and I've given up hope I'll ever know that feeling. And to make matters worse, I was stuck in a period for a year and a half where in order to support myself, I had no choice but to work as an erotic masseuse, sometimes giving oral relief. It was hell, and felt a lot like slavery, it was either allow these men to treat me in the same way my father did or be out on the streets. Even more ****** up, he's worth millions, and living in a palatial mansion, while I had to do the unthinkable in order to even maintain a roach infested roof over my head. I felt like my only purpose in this world was to be exploited by men and used as the village bicycle, it's now been over a year since I left the industry, and I have not been intimate with a man since, the thought completely turns my stomach. The idea of a gentle and considerate man turns me on, but for some reason, none of them seem to be attracted to me, maybe because they can tell I have father issues and hold it against me.
Now, things have really come to a head, I am again on very thin ice at work, and all of the old feelings of worthlessness are coming back as it seems like I am completely incapable of supporting myself without degrading myself. And, to be honest, if things get to that point again it will become SO much more tempting to find a way of putting myself out of my misery that will actually work this time.
My big questions are:
*How do I let go of my past so it's incapable of controlling me? I need advice besides "Get over it", I can only hear that one so many times without thinking, "Sheesh, why doesn't someone tell me How to get over it", and in a way that makes sense to me. I would love nothing more than to be able to resurrect the part of me that my father killed before I was old enough to have memories of anything.
*What are some good ways for me to stop taking peoples' actions and words personally so I can get on with building a great future for myself?
*Between now and 2012(when I turn 30), what obstacles can I expect to encounter? And what do any of you guys see as far as relationships, children, family, career, and travel go?
Attached is my chart and my father's. I know my birthtime and not his. Thank you for any honest and heartfelt advice that can give me the power to escape this hell I'm in.
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