Hey Nightfall I’m glad you are talking to us on here, I saw you have Saturn in the 4th and straight away I just felt so bad for you. Your childhood sounded very lonely. It is like you haven’t recovered from your childhood yet and are reliving the loneliness and you lack the social skills to make the connections you seek.
Thing is, you’ve already survived your Saturn Return and like others have commented, you are going through some heavy transits and it won’t end until January 2020 for you. Well, you’ve come this far, might as well keep going and see what happens. A huge part of you must be tougher than you give yourself credit for, to have kept going so long. Saturn in 4th was a very tough and isolated childhood but it’s alsi made you tough at your core
I’m not surprised you’re struggling at work because you’re ill but your toughness is causing you to keep going back to a place that hurts you. Your coworkers aren’t responding to you well because of your illness and it’s gonna be super tough to make friends with happier people because you’re just not on the same wavelength right now.
Keep going to work if you want but if you need time off and it’s possible to do so, take time off, get yourself to the doctors and on anti-depressants. Build a new computer, learn guitar.
You basically need to heal from your childhood but you might not be able to do that until the planets are back on your side again. So, just protect yourself until then. I’m also not surprised you get stoned, it’s a good comfort blanket when you’re in retreat mode.
Your moon in Aries conjunct north Node - well this lifetime you are really being forced to become more mature with your emotions. So even though Saturn and Pluto are kicking your ***, they’re actually helping you grow. You’re becoming more mature without even realising it. You’re one tough cookie.