In need of some light in the darkness

I'm gonna get on Audacity and create some playlists for myself. Continuous streams of music to lose myself to
No stops, just continuous flowing. I will lose myself and find my truths

I have so many ideas today....
I love ideas. Ideation is my favorite thing in the universe. It's infinite. All it takes to have ideas is to be open

I realized... omniscience is theoretically impossible. All is ungraspable, all is infinite. the whole multiverse, it's infinite. It's everything at once, it is the yin and the yang constantly dancing with each other. It is all and it is nothing. Omniscience would be boring anyway
That's the folly of humankind, or at least one of them. Our desire to understand everything. I'm a victim too. I'm always always thinking and piercing the veil. Just be, just do just experience, just feel, just intuit

Lykanized said:

I<...> I'm always always thinking and piercing the veil. Just be, just do just experience, just feel, just intuit

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"Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment. This includes every mosquito, every misfortune, every red light, every traffic jam, every obnoxious supervisor (or employee), every illness, every loss, every moment of joy or depression, every addiction, every piece of garbage, every breath. Every moment is the guru."

"Each moment, life as it is - the only teacher.
Being just this moment - compassion's way."

Joko Beck

I am wishing you the very best, L.

Osamenor said:

See, you've already caught up!

Seriously, all it takes is one person thinking you're older and wiser. For that person, at least, you are, and that's all that really matters. You don't become older and wiser to yourself. You become older and wiser to other people.

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I know many people in their 40s still feel like they're teens or in their 20s. And I know we're all constantly transforming and learning. As kids, we love to think adults know everything, but no one knows everything. We're perpetually lost, searching for our next plane of growth and transformation. We're never found. We never have all the answers. I told her that, the girl. Even if I seem like I know things, it doesn't mean I do and just the same with anyone else since she was intimidated by it. I do believe we become surer of ourselves as we get older, but we only because more sure of our ability to slay the next dragon that comes our way. We're never sure what kind of dragon it'll be or how exactly it will attack. It'll always bring some new means of strength and fighting out of us

I look at life as a fight. I enjoy that. Idk, maybe it's the Mars 1st house. My best friend hates looking at life as a fight so now it stands out to me. For me, it drives me, I guess for others it may just turn them off or sound horrifying. The hellishness of life drives me because I know it's in hell we're forged out of some dull rock sticking out of the Earth, certainly not in the cloudy dreamscapes of a heaven

There's magic in any food that's directly acquired from the wild. The gathering and hunting lifestyle that humans lived by for more of their existence than not, depended on spiritual connections between people and the plants and animals they ate. Even agriculture required those spiritual connections in order to happen. Animals can't be domesticated without their consent (I saw that clearly ten years ago, when I "tamed" a feral cat--actually, the cat redomesticated herself for me. I saw her get more and more domestic with every interaction between us, until finally she decided to move in with me and stop being feral altogether). Plants all have their own essences--using them as food or medicine makes use of their spirit essence, not just their physical chemistry. To work with that essence, you don't just take it, you ask permission. You communicate with the plant.

There are a couple of great books that go into more depth on the magical and supernatural being simply the natural: David Abram's The Spell of the Sensuous (it's a surprisingly dense book, but refreshing... at the very least, read the ant story in the first chapter--it was a great perception shift when I read it), and, to some extent, Barbara Ehrenreich's Blood Rites. While Ehrenreich was writing primarily about the roots of war, she made a clear connection between religious ritual, blood sacrifices, and the primordial human experience of dealing with carnivores--both as the hunted and as the hunter.

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I recall you know a lot about herbalism. Did you just acquire your knowledge from books and internet resources? I'm interested. I believe there's herbs for so much of what we suffer from, even cancer. I also love that perspective of not just taking as like many Native American tribes, I've come to realize everything has spirit and it should be honored and not just claimed and taken as if it was always just there for us and not for itself

My cat, as all cats can catch onto patterns, always waits at our garage door to be led into the garage where the main garage door is usually open to the outside world. Sometimes he'll simply choose to lounge on a cough in the garage, sometimes he'll choose to go out and roam. I realized it was a little bit like us as I believe in higher consciousness beings. When we recognize the door to walk through, they may open it, and we may choose to explore and see what there is to find, or just lounge there and fall asleep. Either way, we're reliant to some extent on them whether we can sense them or not. At least, it seems so. So it made me see animals a little differently. They're reliant on us to open the doors, to give them food and water unless our cat go out and find something for themselves for a night. And then I wonder if like us, other animals are striving for something more. And then I wonder if they're not already higher than us in consciousness. We wouldn't know

Anyway, those pieces of reading sounds very very. intriguing. I'll admit I'm a folklore nut. I've always loved reading about folklore creatures from around the world whether it be the classic vampire or werewolf, or creatures more obscure. I've heard of modern day meetings with these creatures too. Right from childhood, I had a very strong believe in something more whether it be aliens or the supernatural or what we assume to be the supernatural anyway. That was innate for me

IleneK said:

"Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment. This includes every mosquito, every misfortune, every red light, every traffic jam, every obnoxious supervisor (or employee), every illness, every loss, every moment of joy or depression, every addiction, every piece of garbage, every breath. Every moment is the guru."

"Each moment, life as it is - the only teacher.
Being just this moment - compassion's way."

Joko Beck

I am wishing you the very best, L.

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I believe this too. That's why I take it as quite a compliment that I've been given so many challenges in life to forge me in this hellishness. I believe we're also never given what we can't handle

It's constant death and rebirth for me. Sometimes that death is a little more literal

Lykanized said:

I recall you know a lot about herbalism. Did you just acquire your knowledge from books and internet resources? I'm interested.

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No. That kind of knowledge isn't found on the internet, and mostly not in books, either. I've taken classes, taught by herbalists. I'm now in the last two months of a three year program. We've graduated to seeing clients under supervision.

Lykanized said:

My cat, as all cats can catch onto patterns, always waits at our garage door to be led into the garage where the main garage door is usually open to the outside world. Sometimes he'll simply choose to lounge on a cough in the garage, sometimes he'll choose to go out and roam. I realized it was a little bit like us as I believe in higher consciousness beings. When we recognize the door to walk through, they may open it, and we may choose to explore and see what there is to find, or just lounge there and fall asleep. Either way, we're reliant to some extent on them whether we can sense them or not. At least, it seems so. So it made me see animals a little differently. They're reliant on us to open the doors, to give them food and water unless our cat go out and find something for themselves for a night. And then I wonder if like us, other animals are striving for something more. And then I wonder if they're not already higher than us in consciousness. We wouldn't know

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That's why cats have nine lives.

Osamenor said:

No. That kind of knowledge isn't found on the internet, and mostly not in books, either. I've taken classes, taught by herbalists. I'm now in the last two months of a three year program. We've graduated to seeing clients under supervision.

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That's a shame. I'd be very interested in studying herbalism, but I don't see that happening in the next 10 years for me. But hey, 'you're not dead until you're dead' is part of my philosophy. I don't understand people who at some point just give up for feel like they can't go achieve certain things because of age

That's why cats have nine lives.

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This is why I'm a cat. I should've died a long time ago but I just keep coming back baby

Lykanized said:

That's a shame. I'd be very interested in studying herbalism, but I don't see that happening in the next 10 years for me. But hey, 'you're not dead until you're dead' is part of my philosophy. I don't understand people who at some point just give up for feel like they can't go achieve certain things because of age

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It doesn't have to be an all or nothing proposition. I've taken the "all" option, but well before I took a class, I was participating in online discussions about herbalism (on the weedforums, part of Susun Weed's website--the forum crashed and most of the old posts were lost, but it's back up now), and reading about it, and trying out herbal teas. I cured myself of UTI, vaginal infections, bronchitis, and ovarian cysts, all with herbs, when conventional medicine either failed or wasn't available to me.

There are also part time classes available in some places--it depends on there being a teaching herbalist around--and the American Herbalists Guild offers resources and webinars. Basically, it is something you can spend years learning about on the side. You don't necessarily have to go the becoming a professional herbalist route.

And hey, I didn't even take an herbalism class til my late thirties, and I was 40 when I started my current program. Ten years from now, you'll be only 35. To put it in perspective.

Lykanized said:

This is why I'm a cat. I should've died a long time ago but I just keep coming back baby

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Your spirit animal, perhaps?

"To experience true happiness one must experience true happiness."

-unknown

"The deeper you plunge into hell, the further you shoot up to heaven"

-unknown

I used to take walks semi daily and in mixed states, I can recall three times seeing dead animals on my walks, but never in any other states. I interpreted these as bad omens. I felt like God was speaking to me through these dead animals telling me something vital, something beautiful and pure within me and my life had died and there was no hope

So that gave me an idea for a title for a novel, short story, or set of poetry. Either way, I have many titles for stories in mind and many ideas, but for right now, I'm just writing sets of poetry

I wanna hone in on some very deep things for myself. I have 4 that I'm working on right now and I want at least one of them to be bled into with emotions and trauma I haven't dealt with yet

I said poetry is like negative space, but in this case, I think I'm gonna make it the real, the personal aspects of these titles and how I directly relate to them, no holds barred, shamelessly facing those threads of pain. It's the negative space, but sometimes the negative space is what's real

Fairly confirmed what I snorted earlier was heroin. My uncle is out cold now and his pipe is out on his desk. So there's that. I did indeed snort the green dragon lmfao

AppLeo said:

"To experience true happiness one must experience true happiness."

-unknown

"The deeper you plunge into hell, the further you shoot up to heaven"

-unknown

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I love the last quote. The pure hellishness of life is how I find heaven. I won't assume heaven to be what everyone said it is. I'll find it for myself by exposing myself to the fiery elements of hell
Opposing forces... always gateways to each other

Osamenor said:

It doesn't have to be an all or nothing proposition. I've taken the "all" option, but well before I took a class, I was participating in online discussions about herbalism (on the weedforums, part of Susun Weed's website--the forum crashed and most of the old posts were lost, but it's back up now), and reading about it, and trying out herbal teas. I cured myself of UTI, vaginal infections, bronchitis, and ovarian cysts, all with herbs, when conventional medicine either failed or wasn't available to me.

There are also part time classes available in some places--it depends on there being a teaching herbalist around--and the American Herbalists Guild offers resources and webinars. Basically, it is something you can spend years learning about on the side. You don't necessarily have to go the becoming a professional herbalist route.

And hey, I didn't even take an herbalism class til my late thirties, and I was 40 when I started my current program. Ten years from now, you'll be only 35. To put it in perspective.

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I know nothing in life ever goes as we plan, but I want to get to France as soon as possible and get a masters so I can apply for citizenship. I'm learning French and everything. I want to finish my bachelor's first tho and I'm not sure if I'll want to get a master's here too in creative writing since a professor I've worked with for a few years is here. Before the age of 30, I want to go on an Ayahuasca retreat, possibly. But of course, things always change. Maybe at some point I'll be able to become an herbalist lmao

Your spirit animal, perhaps?

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I do believe cats to be my spirit animals, particularly big cats. I identify with them a lot. I channel a cat like nature in myself too. And I have 9 lives. 8 are already used, so let me be careful

A major spiritual theme for me right now is embracing my power, a goddesslike power. It's what my spiritual guides desire for me. I have to start cocreating my life, using my power, that's a must. It's what I'm being called to learn right now as much as I'm being called to learn to stop overthinking sometimes and just be, just live, just feel, just enjoy, just surrender, just cry

Is there any rational way to say with certainty that we know what is and what isn't? What 'reality' contains?

No

So for that reason all we have is feeling, spirit, intuition. All I have is feeling, spirit, and intuition. My only choices in life would be to conform even with my heavy doubts, or to go on the path I feel called to. I feel like there's something I'm supposed to do and yet and I have this constant anxiety I'll fail. It all started last year when my ex's psychic ex told me I'd be successful and wealthy one day and ever since then it haunted me, anxiety that I may lose that. That it may be possible for me but it may not come true because of choices I make in life. Since then I've come to realize my mission is a lot more spiritual and I know that's why I'm not allowed to die. I constantly wonder if I'm doing good enough


I think I just need to learn to relax and follow my passions and intuition sometimes. Overthinking does nothing for me

And many times I wonder what the point of it all is. Why not just go if I'm unfit to do what I was supposed to do? I wonder about many things. We're incarnated, and in the past I contemplated whether that means we have any real connection to our families and friends at all. Then I realized our spirits and bodies are meant to be one, not separate. Our families and friends are part of our spiritual journeys as we are part of theirs and the love we feel is real and important and that's the point. We get a taste for humanity and all our lives leave an imprint on our spiritual selves. Everyone we love leaves an imprint on our spiritual selves for better for for worse

I'm taking the risky path. The path with no guidance, no bars to hold onto if you fall, nothing there to catch you if the lines break or if the wood isn't set just right on the bridges we cross. Anyone taking a spiritual path is taking that path. It's the one not everyone wants to even contemplate the possibility of taking. The path is built in sinew and weeds but we walk with strength and power and it'll never break for us