Justifying what you already believe has never been and will never be any part of a legitimate search for truth. When you seek what you already believe you can only find what you already believe. Seek to prove your self wrong and you can usually learn something. Seeking self-love is your main problem because there is nothing to love about your self. The self or the ego is pure selfishness. It is the ego-centric "How does this benefit me?" perspective by which an infant relates to the world. It makes you self-obsessed, self-depressed and self-anxious and these states of mind make you want to self-control how everyone else behaves in order to protect your self. It is a treacherous feedback loop until you cut it and tell your self to take several seats. Notice your complaint, how considerately you want others to treat you and then notice how inconsiderate you are to others. Your egocentric double-mindedness is what makes you unstable. You want to get what you want and none of what you don't want, and you don't care what anyone else gets. In other words, you do not want to end suffering. You want to end suffering for your self only. Demanding subjectivity to be as good as reality is a crime as old as humanity. Your foundation is wrong and your mental life will crumble each time until you get it right. Consider keeping your self under control rather than allow it to control you and you'll be pretty as a peach, inside and out.
As to depression and anxiety, they are neurotic diseases of the mind which have a purpose to alert the soul where and how it needs to grow. Being neurotic diseases, depression and anxiety are on the very opposite end of the scale from psychosis. Psychosis means to be detached from reality. Depression and anxiety result from being too attached to reality that reality is disabling. People tend to cling to comfortable weights that drown them. Depression and anxiety are a mechanism of self (see above) protection which is the wrong path. The self needs to be confronted, the demons faced. Depression and anxiety are not illnesses of the brain. This is why medication does not cure. Medication masks the symptoms which is to make the person feel better about being broken. If we are broken, we should want to feel broken, so that we can know what needs to be fixed. Depression and anxiety feel uncomfortable which is why the self (i.e., infant egocentrism) is desperate to get rid of them quickly. They are not easy to shake but they are impossible to shake unless the patient takes full responsibility for their thoughts and in the correct way. That is why Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is the number one choice for combating these ailments, because it teaches the patient to take full responsibility for their mental state and to correct with reality the patients' erroneous cognition. Depression and anxiety stem from the emotion centre of the brain, the amygdala, which has monosynaptic projections to the cortex. Monosynaptic means they effect the cortex, not vice versa, which means the cortex cannot inhibit depression and anxiety. However, intelligence and therefore intellectual growth (i.e., CBT) is modulated by the cortex. This means, whilst the cortex cannot inhibit depression and anxiety, it can override them by intention. This effortful and consistent feedback to the amygdala results in neuronal representation within it which targets the cause and ends, rather than masks, the problem.
Painting, music, medication, kicking-off, etc. are masks. They may make you feel better but they are not necessary for your recovery. What you need to do is some hard work in confronting the self each and every single time it tries to control you. It's probably hard for you to trust me on that, particularly since you have the amygdala sending you emotional signals which you find hard to ignore. But by confronting what holds you back, you can learn to ignore some of it because some of it is not always rational. You've tried it your way and it's not getting you far. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. I know you'd rather hand your responsibility for your wellbeing over to little Johnny, rafaella, your doctor, etc. because then you never need to blame your self. To save you time and energy, however, you are barking up the wrong tree. These people are neither responsible for what is within you nor can they heal you. They also have a right to make decisions indepenently of your agreement and often they will not be in your best interest. You are not the centre of anyone's universe nor will you ever be. It is a fact of life. Only you can make decisions that are in your best interest. Only you can cut off those weights that drown you. You can overcome so much more if only you give your self the chance. All the very best x x x