Guilt, shame and anger

Greetings,

I have a lot of shame, guilt and regret and anger in my conscious being. I am ashamed of person I have become.
I used a lot of alcohol to the point of blackout to escape my dizzy ovwrthinking mind. I was very wild as a child so I was diagnosed ADHD (which is made up condition it is just diagnose for bad behaviour). Did okay in school manage to finished college. I drink once in a while not so much as before cause I am aware that is problem.

I do say a lot of things that I regret immediately but I don't apologise. Stupid.

I tend to be loner sometimes I don't like large group of people.
And I have a lot of anger issue. I am irritable person. And I accept that this is me. I am often nervous for no reason. And people see me that.
I lost two jobs (call center shitty ones) cause I was bad at it. I knew that I won't stand there long. And hate managers there.
I mean these people are morons. If one day I was performing good at work they would act like a friend be nice but I knew it was false.
When I wasn't performing well (x struggling with daily target cause you know it was summer holidays and no one was picking phone so I can sell some erp programs) they gave lecture about life in general, motivational ******** and they demand explanation for my performance. Morons. I literally hold my breath not to tell them to go to hell. They are only interested in results. And they gossip about me a lot. Female auditory. Well I am handsome man so I think that is issue.

I was tired of ********, going home more nervous than ever. I literally hated people around world cause of this call center job.

Well this was some events to show that I am not person who is not capable of working in teams. I am individualist.

Well what happened before this shitty job adventure is that my mom died year ago and my gf from college left me for another man.
I was quite normal before age 24.
Now I have to deal with emotional stress (cause I am convinced that I am bad person), anger issues that I am facing out of blue, can't find job in my field (finance master degree), I hate myself. I only like the way I look. Shallow person I am.

And the best part is I don't know how to change. I am convince this is my identity.
Whenever I tried to do smth about my attitude about world and me I end up more isolated, angry and guilt is overwhelming me.
I know I am capable of great thing as I do have some self confidence of a past experiences (education, I know I am smart beside that) but when I wanted to start over all kinds of scenarios is popping to my head.

I know Moon and saturn are great influence on these mental anguish.
I don't wanna go to shrink and take some therapy cause it works in small percentage. My mom suffered from clinical depression. I to suffer from anxiety but not depressed.

Don't know what to do anymore how to stop punishing myself?


I know I am just a human but how to accept myself without felling like a horrible person?

Your chart has that difficult Saturn/Pluto square from 1992. I am very familiar with this year as my kids are the same age as you. You are not alone, in having to deal with some of these intense issues. It is a generational thing.

Saturn in Aquarius square Pluto in Scorpio——2 exalted malefic, challenging each other, from your 3rd and 6th. I can see why your daily work routines have been a struggle. That Moon/Sat/Pluto does not like authority and questions the need to be told what to do.

Working for yourself, or in a more freedom oriented, less structured job would be ideal for you. But only if you can promise to yourself, that you would work hard and not slack off.

What do you love to do? You need to be doing what you LOVE. Have you ever considered being a teacher? Or a writer? Public speaker?

You have such a creative 5 pointed star in your chart, that is creative and spirited. It is the backbone of your chart. But it will take some self motivation on your part to channel those creative talents and inspire confidence. Find out what you love.

I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. I bet that spun you around a bit and you may have felt off balance. Give yourself some credit. That is a tough thing to experience and you are still here, wanting to transform.

Your girlfriend did you a favor because she wasnt really the one for you. Don’t be bitter and cling to old resentments. She set you free so you could move forward.

You mentioned your Moon/Saturn troubles. You do have that opposition which is rough.

But it has SEVEN Trines and Sextiles coming off the opposition. That is awesome.

That means you have many opportunities to work out that energy in a positive, beneficial way. Mars in Aries in the 9th, self improvement through higher education, and the triple Gemini conjunction in the 10th, mental acuity and quick perception bring you to the public’s eye.

There is no need to punish yourself. You are a GOOD PERSON. You care deeply about people. Forget the call center bullcrapp. That is irrelevant.

Don’t pretend that you cannot be a team player. You absolutely can be one and will need to be one at some point if you want to succeed.

You can be an individual and a leader and still work as a team when necessary.

Your identity is the green 5 pointed star that you can see when you look at the center of your chart. That is your internal creative challenge. You are highly intelligent and very talented. Find out what you LOVE.

There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. You don’t need to see a shrink. But going to talk to someone, and dealing with the grief and pain and anger from your recent losses would clear the way for your transformation. Saturn is in Capricorn, heading to its natal return.

You do have a fixed t square between moon, pluto and saturn which is never easy and that's where the anger and mental anguish are coming from.

I believe with your gemini planets in the 10th trine that saturn, you intellect, shrewdness, curious nature can bring your rewards and attract people to you. People may find you intriguing.

Work on yourself, you are very smart.

That mars in aries is also well aspected in the 9th so you enjoy intellectual pursuits, broad mindedness.

You're still very young, you can take a course, go study a degree, start a business. You are capable and can achieve a lot.

Let's look at the structure and general tone of this chart.

The overall pattern of personality depicts a universalist, capable of exceptional achievement in all situations where a great many factors or considerations are involved. On the other hand you are capable of wasting your talents through scattered effort or disorganization of your potentials.

You have an acute practical awareness of the world around you, coupled with rather naive assumptions about your fitness for dealing with everything that comes to your attention. Easy to get bogged down in details. You are generally able to stand aside from petty involvements and states of confusion because you hold to a broader, even transcendental orientation for your labor and understanding. Your nature is one of untrammeled diversity, the honeybee tasting of all the flowers in the garden.

The overall structure (primarily involving the aspects) is very interesting and displays a unique symmetry.

There is a square in Common signs involving Sun and the angular houses, another in Cardinal signs and succeedent houses.

And "right down the middle" of these two squares we find a Fixed T-square focused on Pluto at the Nadir. We will leave Pluto marooned on the doorstep of "the Home" for just a moment (I'm sure you Understand what I just said
...this chart makes me think of the waif in a basket on the doorstep of the church) while we examine the significance of some other features of this chart.

There is strong indication that yours is a solitary nature. You are a lone wolf. A strong desire for the comfort, acceptance, security of home and family (a sense of belonging) must give way to the deeper need for solitude. This theme is repeated at several key points in the chart and is a major theme in the life.

Pluto in Scorpio conjunct the Nadir and squaring the 6-12 Fixed opposition Moon-Saturn..
.6-12-4, all houses of "misfortune". And Pluto also occupies the apex of a Yod.

Both 6 & 12 deal with aspects of "service to others", possibly a hint as to the "way out", the thread you can follow out of your labyrinth and into the light. An important keyword for your focused Pluto is "Transcendance".

Nice didn't expect to read such posts. Thx.

Yes I am a lone wolf. I have a few people that I got along and that is it.
And people don't think I am strange or weirdo. They think I am bitter old man in young man body. At least that is my impression of the vibration I picking from other people. But the older I get I care less about that. Nobody is perfect. At least I am handsome

And I have a lot of hobbies. I am sporty person. And I read a lot. Fiction for fun.
But my real passion is reading about space and science, biology and archeology. No I am not some conspiracy theory lunatic.

What I think at this stage of life what would make me fulfilled is some job that won't be dull and boring. And yes I wanna have my own little business (actually we have some seasonal family business) so that will leave me enough time for studying my favourite subjects. I don't care for money so much, it will only make you slave. Power of more.

I would love to be a writer because I could work in solitude and give me enough freedom to live.
While I was working late shift in telecommunication company I swear I thought my mind was detached from my body and soul. Wasn't happy. And for what? Pay was low, job was boring and stressful.
And management was super annoying. They used these brainwashing motivational sentences that doesn't work. Like these sailes motivational speeker. That bullhit doesn't work. I didn't give a **** about company. But these people identities were tied up for company. Even after working there for 3 years they are still on entry level position just like I was. And they believe when manager spoke about success.
Bunch of morons. Not to mention the corruption in my country on every aspect of business and politics. How stupid can you be if you think you are going to succeed here.

I have a masters degree in finances but I think my formal education is over. What I wanna study is subject that I reffered as my hobbies.

As for having kids and wife in future... Well that doesn't suite me. Yes I am selfish for wanna living my life on my own term as lone wolf but I don't wanna be some cold hearted father just cause it is you know normal to start a family.

Didn't wanna sound like some special snowflake but I think I am big individualist. Or I have some personality disorder. If I do I don't give a f.

I was in love and I felt heartache. And it was hell. And I accept that. Now I think no woman is good enough for me. Or maybe I am lousy person. I know I am heavy person sometimes, but I learned to be on my own.
And sometimes I think I am so flawed that only quality I have is my handsome look.

Well thank you again folks.

I would say the moon opposition Saturn is a difficult placement but rather than seeing it as an anxious aspect, I would say you are overwhelmed by the feedback you get from your subconscious (12th house) and this is because you are a very sensitive person, and a remedy would be to ground yourself in work (6th house).

I know you said your last job didn’t work out but I would say that so because the amount of people around you overwhelms your psychic and sensitive nature. So I would go on a journey and listen to yourself when you get overwhelmed and really tap into it and then use work as a way to ground yourself, so you learn to shut out the noise. But don’t shut it out completely or the anxiety will get worse, instead focus on it at home and learn to be present at work.

ocelot said:

Nice didn't expect to read such posts. Thx.

Yes I am a lone wolf. I have a few people that I got along and that is it.
And people don't think I am strange or weirdo. They think I am bitter old man in young man body. At least that is my impression of the vibration I picking from other people. But the older I get I care less about that. Nobody is perfect. At least I am handsome

And I have a lot of hobbies. I am sporty person. And I read a lot. Fiction for fun.
But my real passion is reading about space and science, biology and archeology. No I am not some conspiracy theory lunatic.

What I think at this stage of life what would make me fulfilled is some job that won't be dull and boring. And yes I wanna have my own little business (actually we have some seasonal family business) so that will leave me enough time for studying my favourite subjects. I don't care for money so much, it will only make you slave. Power of more.

I would love to be a writer because I could work in solitude and give me enough freedom to live.
While I was working late shift in telecommunication company I swear I thought my mind was detached from my body and soul. Wasn't happy. And for what? Pay was low, job was boring and stressful.
And management was super annoying. They used these brainwashing motivational sentences that doesn't work. Like these sailes motivational speeker. That bullhit doesn't work. I didn't give a **** about company. But these people identities were tied up for company. Even after working there for 3 years they are still on entry level position just like I was. And they believe when manager spoke about success.
Bunch of morons. Not to mention the corruption in my country on every aspect of business and politics. How stupid can you be if you think you are going to succeed here.

I have a masters degree in finances but I think my formal education is over. What I wanna study is subject that I reffered as my hobbies.

As for having kids and wife in future... Well that doesn't suite me. Yes I am selfish for wanna living my life on my own term as lone wolf but I don't wanna be some cold hearted father just cause it is you know normal to start a family.

Didn't wanna sound like some special snowflake but I think I am big individualist. Or I have some personality disorder. If I do I don't give a f.

I was in love and I felt heartache. And it was hell. And I accept that. Now I think no woman is good enough for me. Or maybe I am lousy person. I know I am heavy person sometimes, but I learned to be on my own.
And sometimes I think I am so flawed that only quality I have is my handsome look.

Well thank you again folks.

Click to expand...

You have moon in the 12th house square pluto. That predisposes you to have an absent mother, since pluto is also the planet of death and put two and two together, it can cause a situation such as this. Moon square pluto is probably one of the most difficult placements I have ever seen. My heart truly goes out to you. I made a post about pluto. You may look at it.

You also have the ruler of your 7th house in a sign it doesn't do well in.

I have moon in 8th house opposite pluto, my dad passed away and my mom got cancer but recovered. But I fear death and I over react to crisises.

A lot of things my ex used to do could be considered predatory and sexual abuse but he ghosted me eventually, came back, looking for sex and left more pain before ghosting me again. He made me want to commit suicide twice.

I am currently struggling to get my gpa up after the eventful years I wasted. I want to enter a masters degree program. But it's incredibly lonely and I do not want to date because I can't afford to if I want to get my life in order. But it's so lonely and I am not going to lie, it'll be incredibly hard not to fall in the trap of my ex.

It took me years to realize, there may have not been a grain of empathy or even quality in the people I chose in my life. It was as if my whole life was a lie, an illusion perpetuated by sociopaths. All my life I have either been used by men (a few dates ended up being dangerous) sexually, mostly coerced and had my boundaries surpassed, or was ripped from my self esteem, identity and sense of self by men. Women hasn't proved to be of any greater benefit. They used me as well because I was too submissive and nice. I was molested at 11, and bullied as a child.


I think at the end of the day, I would advise you to seek therapy or an outlet in which you can express your inner turmoil so you can seek a purpose and numb your pain for the time remaining. Time passes fast. You just need things to get done and pursue. But also meditation and self awareness and assessing your train of thought is also important.

I also reccomend mantras. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3djDiZ9GRE

This has helped me tremendously. I found my deity and listened to mantras. It works. I swear to you.

Another thing I've done over the years was look at my chart, and see what are the good things in it and once I realized my purpose, identity and what I have in store, those elements in my life became more stable. I don't know if its a law of attraction thing or something else. But it takes a lot of changing my core beliefs. Which I have to do honestly in the realm of relationships which I know is harder than superficial things like money for me. But for the past months, I haven't had money problems. I changed major aspects of my life.


Again to reiterate, balance your time between talking to someone(therapy or a good friend), pursuing a goal, incorporating some sort of meditative activity in your life(I recommend mantra), and changing core beliefs and trying to find reasons why you should expect positive things from life instead of negative.

It's not going to be an easy road and some pain will be with you until the day you die but I promise it gets better but keep in mind to use the resources wisely because some these things are in your control.

I wish you the best.

This is

Pluto is the key to this chart.

He stands at the apex of the only T-square (Fixed) in the chart {the apex planet of a T-square is said to be "in point focus and is a dominant in any chart}, is conjunct IC (5°)...his position at the Nadir says "Here is what is 'at the bottom' or 'at the root' of whatever the chart is cast for..., is in his own home of Scorpio (where he spent a very short time [1984-95], and is at the focus of one of two yods in the map.

And... Look at the structure of the map as a whole. Pluto is "pointed out". Let the chart talk to you, guide you.

Reading the original post we find complaints of guilt, shame and anger, dark energies; an inability to fit in; isolation and alienation. Sounds sort of Plutonic to me.

Ukpoohbear said:

I would say the moon opposition Saturn is a difficult placement but rather than seeing it as an anxious aspect, I would say you are overwhelmed by the feedback you get from your subconscious (12th house) and this is because you are a very sensitive person, and a remedy would be to ground yourself in work (6th house).

I know you said your last job didn’t work out but I would say that so because the amount of people around you overwhelms your psychic and sensitive nature. So I would go on a journey and listen to yourself when you get overwhelmed and really tap into it and then use work as a way to ground yourself, so you learn to shut out the noise. But don’t shut it out completely or the anxiety will get worse, instead focus on it at home and learn to be present at work.

Click to expand...

Second paragraph it is very true. Almost every day after work I was nervous and full of doubt. Even when I was in good mood some random thought out of nowhere turn me into bitter old men. And that is only when I am around people. I don't have these issues when I am alone. Almost every day I am questioning myself and dwelling on mistakes I made