@Frisiangal
Thank you very much for your detailed response, I am appreciative of your time and consideration.
People keep mentioning my lack of rational in regards to my lack of air. I don't feel I lack rationality at all, I am an equally objective and subjective person. It is this duality that enables my character in many regards.
You are absolutely correct when you talk about internal vs. external. If my external environment does not mirror how I feel internally, I feel turmoil. I think that my grasp of my internal is so definitive, that this creates my need to mirror that in the external. Also, masculinity is absolutely a factor. My ears being effected makes me feel like my "cock" has been chopped off. I feel utterly castrated in physically and psychologically. Especially since I was surging with capability before my afflictions. I even had some erectile issues early on, and it was completely psychological. Also, no one else can even see or perceive my affliction, I look completely normal to everyone, it is all internal. But I cannot hide from my self, and what I am is inward to outward; I do not receive sense of self from the external and bring it in to my self, I apply my internal sense of self to my environment.
I do feel like I am a duality of masculine and feminine. I often have a passive nature, and I am much more inclined to adapt to problems than change them with force. I am very good at confrontation, both physical and mental battles, but over the years I have felt that the toll that it takes on my psyche is not worth the exertion. If I disagree with someone, I often just pretend that I agree in order to avoid confrontation, but I feel like this is tact. I avoid contradicting statements with people that I know are so headstrong that they will not hear my words; I find it better to avoid the frivolous disagreements and I try to navigate the interaction to common ground. Also, if a person is so competitive that they must win, I do not feel the need to defeat them. Knowing whether I could defeat them is enough for me, and I feel in control from that thought; the competitive nature is a volatile one, so I choose to avoid it all together and let others win when the stakes don't matter. If the stakes do matter, you better believe that I'm going for the jugular.
My masculinity shows in my weight lifting, my concept of fraternity, in my feeling compelled toward a dutifully protective nature, my assertive but kind nurturing of children and animals, and absolutely in my dominant sexuality.
In regards to psychosomatic manifestations, I believe that this absolutely was a factor.
I am very good at social interaction, and I am charming and articulate, but far from candid. I used to be candid when I was young, but I learned to hide all of my thoughts and emotions because of the negative reactions I would receive from people. I despise phatic interactions, and the emotional toll that they take on me prompts me to avoid many scenarios. Since I was young, I hated phatic greetings such as "how are you?" simply because Americans do not reply candidly with how they actually are. I always reply, "fine" and kill the greeting aspect of the conversation. My candid relationships have just as much tacit and unspoken interaction as they do verbal. Honestly, as a musician, words feel like a primal form of monkey communication, and they do not justify expression for me in the way that the profundity of music does. Music feels like a much more direct and tangible form of expression, it actually encompasses emotions, while words are just the understated shadows of these emotions. Don't get me wrong, there is beauty and art in language, but I find a more direct conveyance of information in body language and inflection than in actual dialogue. But again, in body language and inflection, we are dealing with pitch, rhythm, volume, accents, tempo, texture. The musical aspects of language most relevant to expression. And the broad/subtle movements of the body are closely related to dance, and dance is nonexistent without music.
My hearing impairment is swelling, instability, minor hearing loss, minor tinnitus, and worst of all hyperacusis. If I listen to the wrong frequencies, the nerves twitch in my ears, I get swelling and discomfort/pain, and many daily/innocuous frequencies give me pain and discomfort, as well as potentially more hearing loss. I live in the sensory deprivation of shotgun ear muffs. It really is a layer of hell. I zone out on life and just sort of daydream. I feel dead in the eyes when I consider myself in the 3rd person. It is a form of solitary confinement.
I don't think that I shut out reason. I just need to feel the reciprocation and genuine understanding of me and my situation. I feel emotionally invisible to most everyone in the world. There is only one person I have met in my life that I felt saw through me and could perceive every aspect of me. I don't mean to convey any delusions of grandeur, it is just that I am a multi faceted person. I am an outstanding friend and family member, and I am the backbone of so many people due to my affinity towards a duality of empathy and objectivity. However, I never feel like people are there for me in the same way. I am a well that is emptied but never replenished. I distribute water to all of those that I love, but I don't receive much rain from anywhere but music. I have been trying to coach myself, and to be my own friend with a 3rd person perspective. In Music, it is very difficult to see your own composition, or art in general, and to perceive it as something other than yourself, and to view it objectively. I do this decently with my past stages of life, but in the present it is very difficult. I am trying to view my self like I am separate from me, and to be there for myself like I am my own friend, instead of being upset with myself for my shortcomings.
I can say that I almost always shut out fire signs. I do not do well with motivation in the form of "pulling up the bootstraps" and forcing your way through life with raw energy and determination. A leo or sag might say, "I don't know what giving up is, keep doing and going, DO DO DO." I require a much more sensitive and feminine touch in the form of comfort. Honestly, while I'm rambling, I have always felt that a Capricorn sun with a Cancer moon would be my best companion. Also, I love venus in scorpio, cancer, and cap. Strong but feminine and sensual/sexual women get me off. I crave the grounded nature, but I need to have the tacit reciprocation of depth, comprehension, and understanding.
All you say is correct in regards to lack of recognition, appreciation, and opportunity. I did withdraw in to myself for years, but this is also where I found plenty of quality composition. Honestly, these feelings stemmed from 2008 to present. Yes, financial consequences as well.
"Your injury produced an outer effect. Yet astrological thought suggests that those forces working from within one's self which one does not allow to be initiated outwardly, find a 'reversed' outlet in the physical world in which the individual is the recipient." Could you try to explain this again? I'm not sure that I understand.
I suppose I could ask, are there any transits that show a good time to both travel and perform a medical procedure? I am looking in to Stem Cells, borrowed money, and international travel. Ideally, I do this within the next couple of months, to few months at the latest.
My life thesis is that Family, Nature, and Music are all the only reasons for me to live this life; everything else just seems frivolous. Without any one of those 3, I don't know that I could attain contentment in this life.
