Hi Cassie,
Thanks for helping me work out my Nodes, Your right about the need for me to learn to assert myself, I have always had a problem with this, But this has a lot to do with my very low self esteem. I have Saturn in my 1st House opposing my Sun. As you can see there are a lot of self worth issues I have.
My childhood I never really enjoyed, As a child I was frightened of the world, I am very sensitive, Sun in Pisces and Moon in Pisces and Mercury in Pisces with both Moon/Mercury Square Neptune I would stay up in my bedroom as a child for hours in my own imaginary world, I was very happy there. If my mum would ask me to out to the shop I'd burst in to tears, I really did not not want to go. A group of lads would hang round there and I was terrified, in case they said something mean to me or ridiculed me. Although in reality they never did.
As a teenager I walked with my head down, I was taller than everybody else and hated standing out I didn't want anybody to notice me. I would try to hide myself, head down to the floor. I was also very quiet, Silent in school I would never talk. My Mum and Dad would go to my School for Parents evening to discuss how things were going in school. My teacher would tell them how quiet I was and my mum and dad would be surprised. I was not like this at home. I didn't want to go to school because of the bullying and I runaway from home. I remember walking around crying my eyes out feeling really lost. I only lasted half a day because I couldn't stop crying, the tears wouldn't stop, I phoned my mum and dad and asked them to come and pick me up.
I got bullied a lot in school mostly mental bullying although I was kicked and knocked to the floor a couple of times. I would sit and write poetry in my room about how worthless I felt and how much I wanted to leave this world. I didn't think I belonged here I couldn't handle it, I couldn't take feeling this way, but I would never have done it I could never have inflicted the pain on to my parents.
I started to restrict my food in my later teens, because I didn't want to take up too much space in the world, I never turned into a full anorexic but I remember crying when my mum put extra food on my plate. I laugth now thinking about it, it sounds so silly, but it was very serious at the time.
When I was 18yrs old I lost my Father he died unexpectedly of a heart attack, I don't know how I coped but I did. I hated being in this world it was nothing but pain, my first relationship I was abused by him he treated me exactly how I was treated in School, mentally abused me and hit me a few times. But I guess that's what I had come to expect. He would say he didn't love me, I wasn't worth loving, he was only with me because I was attractive. He couldn't find anything else to love about me. I had built up a wall around myself for protection I needed to. Nobody was going to hurt me again.
I remember my Mum said to me why can't you be more like your brothers girlfriend, she is ambitious and clever. Your an attractive girl. Aspire to be more like her. I guess I took it as your not good enough the way you are. Your not the daughter I want. I think she wanted someone to be proud of. I wish I stood up for myself that day. She also used to precisely say the exact weight I would look my best, my most perfect. Knowing I already had an issue with my self image and I had nearly turned anorexic. I was not overweight at all in fact I was probably a few pounds underweight for my height.
Now my life has turned around, I have a very loving boyfriend he worships the ground I walk on. I have a beautiful baby boy. I still have very low self worth. I guess that is why I found Astrology, it is my Self Therapy I think I need it.
After that explanation of me, back to Karmic Astrology these feelings of low self worth are a major issue for me, I do believe in a past life my self esteem was destroyed it is a strong word to use but appropiate for the way I feel about myself. Within this lifetime I am working on building it back up again.
Every time I attempt to do something with my life I still hear all those people telling me I can't do it, I am stupid worthless. It is a long process changing this. I realize what I feel about myself will be reflected back to me, to deal with these feelings. It is my self image I have of myself, that has attracted these experiances in my life. My soul chose this lifetime, to best help me grow. It is still hard to deal with but I suspose your lessons in life are not meant to be easy.
You are right I need to be practical and more down to earth to be able to accomplish my task and to use discipline in my life to help me achieve my goal and not turn it inwards on to myself. I need to assert myself because I am too nice.
Sorry for getting into some quite heavy issues here but that is Saturn. Why can't people just accept you for who you are. Why I have I got to fit other peoples expectations of me. I might not have the confidence the ambition, but I am very caring, I do have some intelligence and ask me for a favour and I will never let you down. I just need to believe in myself.
Lots of people have been through worse, I do try to stop the self pity, I try to get away from my victim mentality. I know in past lives I have played these roles. Even in writing this all my emotions surfaced again I was getting quite tearful, I thought I had dealt with it I think I may have only touched the surface, the feelings run so deep.
I don't know which steps to take next. I do want out of these feelings I do want to be strong and help others in thier lives, I have been there and instead of wallowing in my own feelings, I should use my empathy for other peoples pain in a constructive way but not get submerged in the pain were I can't even help myself never mind anyone else. I think even talking about it and asking myself how I can find a way out of this, is a step towards healing myself, and then I can help others find a way out of their pain.